Maybe I Know
by xyellowconverse
Summary: What do you when you find out Sirius Black might be cheating on you? Find the baddest girl in school and persuade her to try to seduce him to see if he's still faithful. *Dual POV by xyellowconverse and Javalon14*
1. Maybe I Know

**A/N : Javalon14 speaking! You are reading a collaboration work between myself and our lovely xyellowconverse. This is a dual POV story, and anything written in Ali's POV is myself, anything written in Cherry's POV is xyellowconverse. It's a dream come true for me to get to work with Evan, who is my favorite fanfic author. I'm going to take this opportunity for a shameless plug: Go read my stories! :D Other than that, I hope you enjoy this project of ours. I know we're having fun with it! Read and review!**

_Maybe I know that he's been a-cheatin'. Maybe I know that he's been untrue, but what can I do?_

_- Alessi's Ark, Maybe I Know_

"Ali? Ali? Did you hear a word I just said?"

Lily Evans was waving her hand in front of my face to catch my attention. I nodded to acknowledge that I had heard her and turned back to the book of magical plants in my lap. Why would anyone want to care for a Snargaluff, anyway?

"So don't you have anything to say about it?"

I shrugged, my soft black curls shifting around them as I looked ever-more-firmly at my book. My eyes had lost their spot on the page. Ah, there it was: 'Caring for your Snargaluff: Common Household Tricks and Tips'.

"Alison Marren, drop that book right now!"

Marlene McKinnon's firm voice made me jump, my book tumbling to the ground off my lap, falling shut, my page lost. I heaved a sigh as I looked up at my two best friends, who were watching me with mixed looks of concern and exasperation.

"Yes?" I sighed, not really wanting to meet their eyes, but knowing they wouldn't leave me in peace until I did.

"You're honestly saying you have nothing to say to the accusation that your boyfriend is a no-good, lowly, cheating piece of scum?" Marlene huffed.

"I don't believe in jumping to rash conclusions," I said softly. In truth, I rather thought he might be, but it was just a phase; it would pass. He wasn't a bad person, really, and he was actually quite loyal by nature. As a Hufflepuff, it was important to me to trust in that loyalty unless he gave me an express reason to believe otherwise.

"So it doesn't bother you at all that Camilla West announced to the entire Ravenclaw table that she had slept with Sirius Black and had a toast to his 'naïve little Hufflepuff toy'?" hissed Lily.

I chewed on my words for a moment. Rash outbursts can't be taken back, something my dear Gryffindor friends often forget in the heat of the moment. I had heard about the incident in question – there was hardly a living soul in Hogwarts who hadn't – but I had asked Sirius about it and he assure me that Camilla was full of hot air. She was, after all, the president of his fan club. Sleeping with one of them would be like giving legitimacy to their rabidity. Still, something gnawed at me…

"Innocent until proven guilty," I decided to say, "and since I have no real proof that he's been unfaithful, I'd prefer to assume he's innocent."

"You know what they say about assuming," Marlene muttered, but Lily cut across her.

"Admirable as that sentiment is, Ali, what's your basis for not taking Camilla seriously? I mean, the gesture was a bit over-the-top, perhaps, but she's always had a penchant for the dramatic. But I've never known her to lie about something like this. What reason do you have not to believe _her_?"

"Sirius said he didn't do it."

Darn my mouth. It had slipped out before I could stop myself, and both Lily and Marlene gave exasperated sighs. They should have known it was a lost cause: I didn't give up on those I trusted without a fight, and I trusted Sirius. After all, he told me he loved me. Sort of.

Actually, it was more that I asked if he loved me and he gave what I took to be an affirmative-sounding grunt. But he didn't say no.

"So basically, there's no way you'd believe he cheated, even if he did?" Lily sighed. "He'd never admit it, even if it was true."

"She could always pay some whore to seduce him and see what he does," Marlene offered dryly. Lily gave a snort of humorless laughter.

"As amusing as all this is," I said with more bite than I expected in my voice, "I've really got to finish my reading and you ladies probably have better things to do than to keep me from it."

My friends exchanged frustrated glances, but they moved down the courtyard part way and pulled out what I was fairly sure were their Arithmancy assignments. At least Snargaluffs didn't require calculations.

They had a point, of course, whether I wanted to hear it or not. If he was cheating on me, he'd have no reason to admit it. And maybe it was my fault if he was. After all, I had him on a strict set of moral rules. I was a virgin, a lady, and I wanted to keep it that way. I was proud of my solid reputation.

Reputation…

Sirius had a bit of a reputation, and I wasn't exactly a fool. He did have somewhat of a roving eye, but he never acted… or did he?

Reputation…

Marlene's sarcastically declared plan had its merits as well. After all, if he wasn't cheating, he wouldn't be tempted. If he was, well, I'd have proof. But who would be depraved enough to agree to such a deal?

Cherry Clark.

I slammed my book shut, stuffed it into my bag, and contemplated my own sanity as I made my way over to Marlene and Lily.

"Hey, you guys room with Cherry Clark, right?"

Lily's nose scrunched into a look of distaste I thought had been reserved for James. I suppose it was fair game for all now she had finally started seeing him.

"What do you want with that disgusting little–"

"Lily!"

"What, Marlene? You know it's true! Clark's the worst sort of person."

Before Marlene could say anything about how such things were once said about James, I cut across her with the best lie I could scrape up on short notice:

"She could see the thestrals in Care of Magical Creatures and I wanted to include my customary rough sketch with my assignment. I want her to look and see if I'm on the right track. Do you know where she might be?"

"Check a broom cupboard," Lily snapped, and Marlene gave a helpless sort of shrug, as if to say that Lily was probably right.

I thanked them and set off to check every broom cupboard in Hogwarts, thinking of how best to word my crazy proposal to the school's baddest bad girl.


	2. Why Hufflepuffs Have No Spine

**Cherry:**

Typical Hufflepuff behavior. Some girls actually ask their boyfriends if they're cheating or assume they are and scream at them in the most crowded and humiliating place possible. Not spineless Hufflepuff girls. No, what do they do? They bloody hire someone to go undercover to see if their boyfriend's a lying, cheating sack of shit so as to not ruffle any feathers. Personally, if I even had an inkling that my boyfriend (not that I can be bothered to have one) was sleeping around I wouldn't bother with diplomacy. I'd castrate the bastard with a rusty set of pliers and then let a pack of wild dogs devour him while he bled to death. With that said it was probably a good idea that I wasn't dating Sirius Black for his and my sake. After all, that bastard wasn't worth going to Azkaban for.

Ali Marren. Hufflepuff prefect, friends with the Queen Bitch (also known as Lily Evans, the Head Girl who just happened to irk my chain more than any other student at Hogwarts), good grades, good social standing, good family, good everything. Well, except for a good sex life. When it came to that she was seriously lacking. Anyways, I could see why such a good girl might be a little wary of crossing my path, proclaimed bad girl and overall delinquent. I was surprised she even approached me considering that one of her best mates hated me. It wasn't until I heard her proposition that I even realized why she was bothering to risk her precious reputation being seen with me.

She looked completely out of her element when she came to me. I was standing outside the castle, feeling bored as usual. I was considering to stealing Professor McGonagall's knickers again for some entertainment. Last time I'd stolen then I'd let her panic over where they had disappeared to for three days. She immediately actually blamed the Marauders. She gave them three months detention without even a speck of evidence. Let's just say she was surprised when her knickers ended up hanging from the Great Hall when all four of the Marauders were in detention. It was about time McGonagall had another panic attack.

"Are – Are you busy?" Marren questioned, looking intimidated. Honestly, there should be a legal limit on how wholesome someone can appear. She was like a family Christmas special, one of those that are so damn cheery and naïve and "the world is made of cupcakes, rainbows and kittens". Merlin, those kinds of people give me a headache.

"Can't you see I'm curing cancer?" I retorted, looking at her boredly. What could she possibly want anyways?

"I – erm -" she stumbled over her words uncomfortably, fumbling nervously with her hands.

I rolled my eyes, "What is it, Marren? Evans send you to give me a hard time?"

She shook her eyes, her eyes widening innocently. "No – I need your help?"

I raised an eyebrow. I couldn't believe my ears. Ali Marren was asking me of all people for help? What could she possibly want from me? Cupcake recipes? "What?"

"I said I need your help," she repeated herself in a slightly louder and more confident voice.

"Did Evans set you up for this?" I questioned suspiciously, crossing my arms in front of me. I didn't trust the Queen Bitch any more than I could throw her. It would be just like her to try to entrap me and then give me detention for the rest of the year because of it. Honestly, I don't see why anyone made her Head Girl. She's like a power driven dictator who if they like you they might always like you but if they hate you it's bound to be permanent.

She shook her head, "No, I really need your help. Lily doesn't even know I'm here and I hope she never finds out. This is something I want to keep strictly between you and me."

"What about your little boyfriend?" I inquired. It was common knowledge that she was dating Sirius Black. When he asked her out half of his fan girls cried. Generally he only dated for fun. A snog here, a shag there, something to cure his boredom. Hm… maybe I could learn something from him. If I had a boy toy I wouldn't nearly be as bored.

"Especially not him," she shook her head again, her black curls whipping around and smacking her in her face. "He's kind of what I need help with."

I rolled my eyes. Every once in a while I had girls come up to me to ask me for my help with their boyfriends. "Sorry, Marren, but I'm not in the sex advice business. Go bark up another tree."

"What? No, no, definitely not. I don't need advice about… that. I need someone to help me find out if he's… faithful or not," she told me.

My mouth made a small "o" shape but no sound came out. Black's fidelity was generally always questioned when it came to his relationships. As I said before, his usual relationships were more for fun so there was less of an urgency to really know if he was fooling around. There were generally minimum emotions and attachments formed so most of the girls he dated tend to cast a blind eye to it. "How could I possibly help you find that out?"

"You're more the kind of girl he goes for," she pointed out with an uneasy shrug. "If he were going to cheat on me with anybody it'd be someone like you."

All of a sudden it all clicked. It was obvious what she wanted me to do even if she was too much of a Hufflepuff to say it out loud. "You want me to try to make him cheat on you."

She threw her hands up defensively, "No, not exactly. I just want to you to – you know – tempt him a bit. Let him make the first move but still… see if he'll take the bait."

Well, maybe for a Hufflepuff that was a bit less pansy than I'd expected. "And why should I help you?" I asked indifferently. "I personally don't see why I should bother. I can't care less about your relationship. It seems like a lot of work and not a big reward. Why don't you go ask one of his bloody fan girls? They'd jump at the chance to get to try to seduce Black."

She shook her head vehemently, "Can you imagine what would happen if the fan girls found out Sirius and I might be having relationship troubles? Besides, if one of those girls found out the entire school would know by breakfast tomorrow."

She was right about that. The fan girls were the worst. They were like balls of estrogen that happened to like to gossip like old ladies over anything that happened to do with Black. His name caused half of them to sigh and the other half to squeal. It honestly made me ashamed to even be the same specie as them. "Right, so that answers one of my questions but you still haven't given me a reason to help."

"Erm – I could try to get Lily off your back for a while," she suggested hopefully. "I know she and McGonagall have kind of been after you for your hair color and some other things for a while now."

I looked down at my cherry red hair. It was true. McGonagall had been after me for my "unnatural hair" because of the "blatant dress code violation" it presented. It'd been since Second Year that she'd been after me for it and two years since Queen Bitch joined the crusade so I doubted that they'd finally have a breakthrough and get Dumbledore to agree to force me to go back to having blond hair.

I tried to look at it from another aspect. Trying to tempt Black into cheating on Marren could be entertaining. This way it wasn't like when Black gave into his normal cheating antics that his girlfriend was going to slap me over it considering she was the one who orchestrated it. Black had always made me curious. There was something about the fact he was a fellow pureblooded reject and rebel that peeked my interest. I'd never been particularly friendly with him. After all, his best mate's fascination with the Queen Bitch made it nearly impossible for him to even have civil small talk when we passed each other in the corridor. And besides, the Queen Bitch was slowly working her way up to dating Potter. It was an inevitable thing that most of us had seen coming for years. If Potter's best mate was spending extra time with me it'd probably really brass her off. Well, I guess that's what we call a "win-win" situation. "Okay, I'll do it."

**A/N: This is xyellowconverse's chapter, just for any of you who happened to forget that I, Evan, write all of Cherry's POV and Javalon14 writes all of Ali's. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and will leave us a review telling us what you think so far.**

**Evan**


	3. Secrets

**A/N: Apologies for the lateness. Midterms. Ick. 'Nuff said. Hope you enjoy the chapter, though! – J**

"_Everyone has a secret, oh, but can they keep it? Oh, no they can't." – Maroon 5, Secret_

The biggest downside of working with Cherry Clark was working with Cherry Clark. Lily had a few things right about her; she _was_ a rather unsavory character. But I didn't think her hair was so bad, and it actually suited her.

Planning was difficult. It wouldn't do for us to be seen together. After all, we weren't the type to stop for a chat in the corridors. She never went to the library; I couldn't be believed to go out for a lap of the Quidditch pitch. We had one real shot at meeting: semi-regular trips to the toilet at off times, and not often enough to become suspicious.

Talking Marlene out of joining me was tricky the first few times. She was initially rather hurt when I said I wanted to go alone. Girls can be so silly about these things.

Another difficulty was my own guilty conscience. I'm a bad enough liar as is, top secret missions aside. So when Sirius sat down with me at breakfast and asked what was up, my stuttering mess of an attempted casual reply really didn't come as a surprise to me.

"Eloquent as ever, Ali," he said with an amused snort. "Evans, what sort of drugs are you giving my girlfriend?"

It was a joke, we all knew it, but the way Lily turned up her nose with distaste told us all that she didn't find it very funny, as if we had thought she might.

"Go bother someone else, Black," she hissed. "I haven't got the time for your antics today."

I blocked out their bickering and noticed something strange. Not Sirius and Lily fighting – that was a daily occurrence – but the look James was giving Sirius, as if he was upset with him. Try though I might to remember seeing that look directed at Sirius before, I couldn't think of a single instance. Perhaps James was just sick of Sirius picking fights with his Lily-flower.

Yes, that was it.

But I checked Sirius's watch and found that I needed to go to the toilet. I excused myself quietly from the table and rushed off to the meeting point: the third floor girl's toilet.

"You're late, Puff," she snapped as I slipped inside. "I checked, we're alone."

"So have you figured out how you're going to do this?" I panted.

"Don't sweat it, Puff," she said with a smirk. "We've been handed an opportunity on a silver platter."

She was rolling a joint in her fingers as she spoke, lighting it and taking a long, slow drag.

"Want?" she said, blowing the smoke out in my face and offering the joint up to me. I wrinkled my nose and shook my head vigorously.

"That stuff's illegal," I said weakly, knowing nothing I said would make her stop.

"What, are you going to report me, princess? You want my help or not, sunshine?"

This was getting old fast. I pressed Cherry for the details of her plan and she smirked, blowing out a long line of smoke.

"Muggle Studies," she said proudly. "There's a project coming up, should take at least a month. That teacher's in my pocket; we've got a deal: She lets me choose my partner and I _don't_ make her life a living hell. That way, I never have to work with the Ginger Menace. Everybody wins. I'll just have her put me with Black this time and we can work from there."

"Do you know how you'll seduce him?" I breathed, torn between disgust at her lifestyle and awe of her confidence. Cherry simply shrugged.

"I've got a few ideas up my skirt. I mean sleeve. Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'll keep you updated, and I'll be discrete. I don't want his super-fans catching wind of this any more than you do, sunshine."

And with that, we parted. There were no pleasantries exchanged, no personal discussions, just strict business. Cherry went off to do whatever Cherry does and I went back to my friends at the breakfast table.

"Hey, Ali," said Marlene. "That took quite a while."

I glared at her and nobody pressed the issue, but Remus was frowning at me curiously.

That was a concern. The girls might find out, but I hoped they would ultimately support me standing up for myself. James, Sirius, and Peter would probably never notice a thing if I didn't tell them. I cut my hair the year prior and it took them two months and Remus's constant hinting to notice that I'd lost six centimeters of hair.

Remus, on the other hand, had the potential to notice something _and_ the potential of spoiling it all. I mean, he was such a loyal friend. What if he told Sirius? I would have to be extra careful where he was concerned.

"So, how are your classes going, Sirius?" I asked, a little flustered as I saw Cherry saunter in and take a seat at the end of the table. The way that girl walked… it seemed almost impossible for males to ignore. Was this really a fair test of his fidelity?

"Same as always," he sighed. "I can't wait until Gudgeon's cauldron explodes again today."

Peter began to snigger and James fought a grin, but Remus just frowned. Lily's eyes flashed furiously.

"Since I know you're not a Seer, Black, I'd hope his cauldron doesn't explode today if I were you, or on your head be it. Honestly, I don't know how that boy has survived six years with you trying to kill him for laughs every five minutes."

"Aw, chill, Evans," he replied with a bark of laughter, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my forehead, making me blush furiously. Lily's expression softened, but she continued to glare as he said, "He's never actually died. There are worse things I could do with my spare time."

Maybe it was my now-overactive and paranoid imagination, maybe it was a by-product of the marijuana fumes I had been subjugated to, but I could have sworn I heard Remus mutter, "Indeed there are."


	4. Motorbikes and Glaring Gingers

Cherry:

Getting the crockpot professor to pair me with Black was easy. She was practically spineless after all. She practically had a seizure whenever I approached her alone. Honestly what did she expect me to do? Actually be a vampire and try to bleed her to death? You know, I really wasn't appreciative of whoever started that rumor. I mean, I wasn't _that_ pale. Also I would like to point out that if I was actually a vampire I wouldn't go after her. She was practically so old her blood probably would have tasted like dust. Anyways, back to her seizures. They were probably why when I cornered her before class started she looked like she was going to go into cardiac arrest.

"You're going to pair me with Sirius Black," I told her. "You're going to do it and not tell anyone it was my idea, understand?"

She nodded quickly, "O – Okay."

I gave her a smile. I bet she had been a Hufflepuff when she was a student here… "Thanks professor," I told her in a sickly sweet voice. Honestly that voice made my own skin crawl. I skipped happily to my seat. I don't know if it was the cannabis that I smoked earlier that morning or what but the day was definitely looking bright. Now all I had to do was wait for Black to get there so I could start things off with a bang. The Puff was starting to get antsy about us not starting already and I could only handle so many of her anxiety attacks. Honestly, didn't she know that you can't hurry art? I mean, technically you can but you'd end up with a Picasso instead of a Michelangelo. Maybe this wasn't exactly the Sistine Chapel or anything but I needed my time.

I began to boredly doodle on the desktop with my quill. I was just about to finish the Ginger Menace's execution scene (death by a thousand paper cuts, of course) when the mousey professor called the class to order. I don't even know what her actual name was. Generally I just referred to her as Professor Spineless due to the fact that... well she was spineless of course. Whatever her real name was I was pretty sure my name for her described her better.

"Alright class, today is the day we start our first project of the term. This is a partner project and it'll be due at the end of next month. You are expected to meet with your partner at least twice a week and I expect each of you to keep a log of your meeting times." Professor Spineless might have actually sounded like she had a full-fledge backbone if she didn't have a wispy, passive voice. "The project will involve each partnership choosing one muggle contraption to write a report about and make a presentation about. This project is worth 20% of your overall grade so I suggest you take it seriously. There be more details about the presentation later but the report should include the history of the contraption, its uses and the mechanics behind it. I expect it to be no less than two feet."

Red Satan's hand flew up in the hair, "Are we allowed to pick our partner, Professor?"

"No, Miss Evans, but you will be allowed to choose your one topic," Professor Spineless replied, giving her a queasy smile. Huh, turns out I'm not the only one who Red Satan makes sick. "Now when I call your partner's name I want you to sit next to them and spend the rest of the class period planning your project. Miss Evans with Mr. Gudgeon, Mr. Potter with Miss Flint, Mr. Black with Miss Clark –"

After I heard her call me and my partner's names I didn't bother listening anymore. I tried to look completely neutral about the announcement but inside I was smirking.

"Clark," Black gruffly greeted me as he begrudgingly took a seat next to me.

Well maybe this was going to take more work than I'd originally expected. "Could you simmer down the enthusiasm just a bit, Black? I know I'm an amazing partner and all but I don't think it's normal to be this excited about a class project."

This caused him to have to fight back a smile, "I'll try to contain myself."

Alright, well I almost got a smile so that was progress. "Appreciated. Now I know you're upset that you aren't partnered with your gay lover but we're going to make this work."

"JAMES IS NOT MY GAY LOVER!"

The entire classroom turned to look at us, causing me to practically convulse with laughter. Black turned slightly pink in color before turning to look at me with a slightly murderous look. "I was referring to Gudgeon but congratulations to you and Potter. Sure, you changing teams will probably cause your fan club to commit suicide but your happiness is all that matters," I told him, nearly tearing up from laughter.

He scowled at me, "Are you always this impossible?"

Alright, as much as making jokes on his behalf was entertaining it really wasn't helping me complete my objective. "Okay fine, I'm sorry. What do you want to do the report on?"

"Well – I had an idea but I'm not sure you'll like it," he replied unsurely.

Since when was he not confident to the border of being arrogant? "Just tell me. I promise I won't judge you too harshly."

"Well, I've always been interested in motorbikes…"

"Brilliant, let's do it."

"Really?" he questioned in surprise. "I didn't think you'd go for it."

"Well I am so let's do it," I nodded.

He grinned and I knew I'd passed the first test. After all if I was going to seduce him then he was going to have to at least tolerate me. "Alright so where do we get started then?" he inquired.

"We should probably do some research, I guess." The idea of doing research made my skin crawl. "They might have books on motorbikes in the library."

He looked like he had just tasted something foul, "The library?"

"I know, not my favorite place in the world either but it's probably the only place to find information. We could get the books, check them out and go someplace less dusty and stuffy to work," I suggested.

"Sounds good," he nodded.

"Or of course we could threaten the professor's life if she didn't give us an O," I added as a second thought.

"Eh, I don't think going to Azkaban is worth it. At least the library doesn't have Dementors."

"Yeah, well the librarian's a soul-sucker in her own right so I don't think in that aspect it's much better," I pointed out with a snort.

"I know, right? Second year I accidently got jam on one of her History of Magic books and I really thought she was going to try to bite my head off."

I nodded as solemnly as I could, "She does have rather sharp teeth, doesn't she?"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Don't be an arse. I was twelve, what do you expect?"

I held my hands up in surrender, "I'm not judging. I mean, isn't your mate Pettigrew still deathly afraid of McGonagall?"

"Well yes but that's McGonagall," he pointed out. "She terrifies everyone."

"Aw, are you afraid of Big Bad Minnie?" I teased.

"I didn't mean me. She just terrifies the skittish," he explained. "I mean, she has a reputation for making First Years cry."

"Everything makes First Years cry," I pointed out.

"I don't think Sprout does," he countered.

"She's a Hufflepuff. It takes a spine to make people cry and Hufflepuffs don't have any," I retorted.

"Do I sense some harsh feelings towards Hufflepuffs?" he questioned almost patronizingly.

I scowled at him, "Why wouldn't I? Supposedly they're picked for their loyalty but pretty much anybody can get in. It's the bloody catch-all House. Besides, they're a bunch of pansies. Name one of them who have a backbone."

"Erm… Well… I… The Qudditch Captain doesn't seem too bad," he grasped for straws.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah right. Do you remember the last Gryffindor-Hufflepuff match? He nearly passed out when Potter grabbed his hand too hard when they shook hands before the game."

He opened his mouth to argue before nodding, "Fair enough."

I was about to retort about how the world must have been ending for him to finally admit he was wrong but that was when I noticed that a certain Ginger Hell-Spawn was glaring holes into me. I grinned at her in return. Well that was one fun bonus I hadn't expected from this. Now it was official, this was going to be even more bloody entertaining.

**A/N: Sorry about the short length, guys, but I have a Human Resource Management midterm calling my name rather loudly. I'll make it up to you later I promise.**

**Evan**


	5. Papercut

**A/N: I'm going to apologize at the beginning of the chapter for the delay because as I'm writing this, I've got three major assignments due in the next two days and haven't started them. I'll probably start writing the meat of this after that, and if you guys are lucky, this chapter will be up at the weekend. (Well, I had a long weekend, so it was the end of mine!) Considering how fast Evan was on the turnaround of the last chapter, I feel guilty and like a horrible person, but I'm not as awesome as Evan. I apologize. On with the story! –J**

"_Something in here's not right today. Why am I so uptight today? Paranoia's all I got left."_

_ - Linkin Park, Papercut_

Cherry had promised it would be in motion by dinner. She was right. When I sat down to dinner, I saw Cherry and Sirius coming into the Great Hall, chattering and laughing like old friends, sitting down across from me. Lily walked behind them, her eyes glaring holes into the back of Cherry's skull as she settled herself by Marlene, on the other side of the 'Marauder Zone'. They didn't like entering into the territory of the boys if they could help it, and I can't really say as I blamed them. Eating with the boys could be a health hazard, at times.

"Ali, this is Cherry Clark, have you guys met?" Sirius said dismissively.

I shook my head, hoping my nervous behavior would be attributed to fear of Cherry. It wasn't so far-fetched. I happened to be a fairly shy and reserved person. And I admittedly was a bit afraid of her. A bit.

"She's my partner for a Muggle Studies project. Cherry, this is my girlfriend, Ali Marren."

So she had managed to terrify the Muggle Studies professor into submission. Well, at least he was introducing me to her as his girlfriend. Cherry fixed me with a disdainful look. It wasn't really acting, either; I knew she didn't like me just as much as I was afraid of her. I suppose that was a bit more than a bit.

"You're a Puffer, yeah?" she sniffed. I nodded and Sirius gave a bark of laughter. There was some sort of inside joke there, but I just smiled nervously. Sirius and I didn't have any inside jokes. They already had inside jokes, after only a couple of hours. Perhaps she had already slept with him, too? No, otherwise he wouldn't have just casually introduced me as his girlfriend. C'mon, Ali, pull yourself together.

The others were sitting down around us. Lily was still glaring daggers at Cherry from her spot down the table and Remus regarded Cherry's presence with momentary surprise. What if I slipped up? What if I said the wrong thing, or made the wrong face, or laughed at the wrong word? I did laugh at odd times when I was nervous; it would be a dead giveaway. What if they realized there was some sort of connection between Cherry and me? Remus would be the one to notice such things… Remus would see, he would figure it all out… I looked down at my steak and kidney pie to avoid giving anything away with my expression.

Somehow, I made it through dinner without any major consequences. I mean, I nearly sliced off my finger and I poured hot gravy all over James's pants (and was subsequently scolded for putting all of his potential James Juniors in danger), but nothing earth-shattering. Remus still looked mildly puzzled, not as though he had figured something out. That was good. Very good.

Sirius walked with me after dinner, taking me to the Charms corridor to look out on the grounds. It was my favorite spot. It was where I had first met Lily as a lost first year. It was where Remus had saved me from embarrassment in third year by taking the blame for my stupid mistake and earning himself several detentions (he told me it was nothing, he and the Marauders were in detention all the time, but there was no point in me going there, I wouldn't find it fun). It was where Sirius had asked me out, and we walked up there at least twice a week. He realized after months of my insisting that we go there that it was a special spot to me and now took me without being prodded.

I leaned onto the windowsill, my elbows propped up on the cold stone. Sirius wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder. It had been a while since he last held me like this, like he really wanted to be with me. It was sweet and warm, but when his lips found my neck, I couldn't help but tense at the thought of the last girl those lips had been with, the last girl he had held like this. I was almost certain it hadn't been me. It might even have been Cherry.

No, Ali, you haven't got proof, pull yourself together.

"What's wrong, Ali?" he muttered against my neck, his hot breath tickling my skin and making me wonder what he was even talking about. I hadn't said anything aloud, had I? Oh, I had tensed, that was right.

But what was I supposed to say to that? 'I think you're cheating on me and I'm repulsed that you're touching my skin with your philandering lips'?

"Nothing," I whispered, but he didn't seem to be listening, anyway. His lips were trailing up the curve of my neck. I bit back a moan. He was following that same old pattern he tired every couple of months, and I knew where this was headed if I let him continue. As his fingers turned my chin to face him more, his nose began to brush against my cheek and I wondered if I gave in this time, would he be faithful? Had my unwillingness to give in to his sexual desires pushed him to infidelity?

His lips claimed mine, and like every time before, my world spun wildly. He was just too good at this, addictive, like some sort of poison, like a drug. It was little surprise to me that there was graffiti in every girl's toilet in honor of his skill. He almost made a girl forget herself completely. Almost.

I maintained enough presence of mind to break the kiss and push him away as his hand made to grope me. I hastily straightened my robes and checked to make sure we were still alone. All the nearby portraits appeared to be dozing. Shaking my head, clearing the fogginess in my brain, I put a bit of distance between our bodies. He groaned.

"C'mon, Ali! We've been standing still for months! Are you ever going to let me do more than kiss you?"

"Of course!" I insisted. "Just not now, Sirius! Not like this, in the middle of a corridor where anybody could walk by. Not when I'm still underage!"

"When?" he demanded, backing me against the stone wall, his eyes fierce and filled with something unfamiliar to me. It was almost… dangerous. "What do I have to do? How long are you going to make me wait? You're nearly of age, Ali, what excuses are you going to dream up then?"

Before I had a chance to answer, his lips were on my neck once more. He was very hard to say no to, but it had become more a thing of habit than of conviction and I pushed him back once more, looking up at his stormy grey eyes, sure in that moment that he would break up with me, end it all. It didn't matter if he was cheating or not, because he was about to leave me.

"Please," I whispered, unsure of how to continue my plea, but Sirius seemed to know what I was saying.

To my surprise, he took a step back, took a deep breath, and gave me one of his most dazzling smiles, apologetic to the core. He did seem to have a smile for every occasion.

"Sorry, love," he said. "That was wrong of me. I shouldn't push you like that. It wouldn't be any good if you weren't ready, anyway. And I want it to be good for your first time." He pressed his lips lightly to my cheek, said good night, and took off for the Gryffindor common room. I checked my watch.

I was late for patrol with Remus.

Practically running, I rushed off to the entrance to the Hufflepuff common room, knowing he would be waiting for me there. When he saw me he frowned and I skidded to a halt in front of him.

"Sorry, Remus," I gasped, clutching my side. "Sirius kept me late."

His face instantly melted into a much practiced indifferent expression and he nodded stiffly.

"Not like that," I groaned, panting. "We weren't doing what you think we were."

Remus laughed softly as we began to walk and said, "I don't need the details of what you and Sirius do and don't do together. I could go my whole life without that knowledge. Really."

I groaned. The word was obviously going crazy if Remus thought I was going to make a whore of myself, even for the great Sirius Black. For a while, we walked in silence, my guilt and paranoia building with each step. Finally, I couldn't handle any more and I burst out, "I haven't slept with him."

Remus blinked.

"Right."

"I promise," I continued swiftly. "I always stop him when he tries to touch me."

Remus's cheeks tinged pink and he muttered, "Good for you."

"I mean, it's not like I haven't thought about it," I continued. "He's supposed to be quite good. I suppose it might be something like learning Transfiguration from Dumbledore."

He made a choking sort of noise and managed to spit out, "No, I don't imagine it's anything like that, Ali. Nothing at all like that."

I shrugged.

"Anyway, the problem is, Sirius is like a child! I mean, he's adorable, lovable, amusing… but you tell him 'no', he says he understands, and not long after it's as though you never had the conversation! He never learns!"

Remus's lips twitched traitorously, showing some sort of agreement, I thought. Perhaps he didn't really think I had done such awful things. Although, I had to admit to myself, I did think about it.

"He's not such a bad guy, though," Remus said softly. His eyes had a bit of a faraway look in them. "He'd do anything for his friends, and he's certainly got a good compass of right and wrong, even if he doesn't always follow it like he should."

Merlin, this was it. I was about to get a confession! Maybe I wouldn't need Cherry's help after all, if Remus was so willing to tell me the truth, tell me what the Marauder's had kept hidden in their little pact of secrets for so long. I was finally breaking through that magical, mystical barrier of their mini-cult. I was such a good interrogator.

"L-like what?" I pressed. Remus pursed his lips. I held my breath. There was some sort of internal struggle going on: Remus Lupin the loyal friend v. Remus Lupin the outstanding human being. What a struggle that must be. I could only hope that the outstanding human being would win.

"Like the Davy Gudgeon thing," he said finally. "If Sirius doesn't grow up, he's going to get someone killed. It's a miracle Lily was able to stop him from blowing up the cauldron, he would have killed Davy for sure. He almost has done a few times."

Gudgeon. Snape. His stupid pranks. Remus was talking about stupid Marauder pranks, not Sirius's potential infidelity. He was hiding the truth from me, he was focusing on the smaller point to obscure the bigger picture. I was being cheated on, and he couldn't even bring himself to tell me. Outstanding human being indeed. What an incredibly let down.

"Right," I said. "Well, we'd better get back to my common room. We've just about finished."

Remus nodded, leading me back to the Hufflepuff common room. Halfway there, Remus blurted out, "I'm a bit worried about Sirius."

"W-what do you mean?" I pressed, nervous. Was he going to tell me now? What had he been waiting for?

"I'm worried about him working so closely with Cherry," Remus muttered. He still wasn't looking at me, as if he was still considering whether or not to tell me something.

"Why?"

"He… they… well, you know, he's got a lot of bad habits. I'm worried she'll bring those out again. They're an awful lot alike, and not in the good sort of ways. I mean, there are reasons Lily hates Cherry, and it's really got little to do with her hair color. I suspect it doesn't have much to do with Professor McGonagall's distaste for Cherry, either."

I blinked. Had he really said so many words and still not concretely told me whether or not I was being cheated on? What was the world coming to? What kind of sick conspiracy was this?

"Just… just look after him, please?" Remus asked, stopping with me outside my common room. "Try to keep him good. But… I don't know. I used to think, when you started dating, that you would be good for him, fix him. Now I'm wondering if maybe… well, maybe he's been bad for you. Don't get hurt, Ali. Don't… I… fixing people doesn't really… I mean, most people don't change unless they really want to. And I don't… well, good night, Ali."

I blinked again and he was walking away, leaving me standing in the hallway, staring after him. I was faintly aware that it had gotten a bit chilly. I was also faintly aware that his ears were slightly pink as he retreated. What in Merlin's name had that boy even said?


	6. Well That Was Unexpected

I honestly don't know what I was thinking. I mean, at first it was all "Yeah, this is going to be fun! Let's go seduce Black and see if I can do it!" If I had known how twitchy the Puff was going to be then I would have saved myself the irritation and told her to piss off. Honestly, why in the world would a bloke like Black bother with her?

I have to admit there was something that was _almost _endearing about her constant anxious rambling. There is a definite emphasis on the word "almost". I mean, it's hard to find someone so twitchy more than annoying. Anyways, either Sirius was a saint and my services were no longer needed OR I was missing something. Either way, I needed to know if I was wasting my time or not. After all I had better things to do than help a Puff find out she's paranoid.

Anyways, my plan to interrogate Black literally came out of nowhere. I was just innocently lounging with some of my mates outside after Herbology and BAM! Black and Potter came running outside like a herd of angry Centaurs were chasing them. I didn't even have the time to make a witty and mildly offensive comment about their frazzled state before they went ducking behind the stone castle wall. It wasn't until then that I realized why they were running like a bat of hell. I never really understood that phrase. I mean, bats don't even run. They fly. Anyways that's not the point. The point is that Professor McGonagall came fuming out of the castle like someone'd lit her knickers on fire while she was still wearing them.

"Where are they?" she demanded.

I feigned an innocent and naïve expression, "Who?"

"Potter and Black, Clark. I know they came this way, now which way did they go?"

"Potter? Black? Which one? I mean, they're both pretty popular last names. Maybe if I had their first names then I could help you," I replied with a shrug.

"Very funny, Miss Clark. James Potter and Sirius Black but you already knew that. Now where are they?" she snapped impatiently.

"Wait, you lost your Head Boy? That's very bad people management skills, Minnie," I shook my head at her disapprovingly.

"Detention!"

I shrugged innocently, "Have you checked detention? Considering it's Black and Potter they practically live in detention or you might want to check the Quidditch Pitch."

She straightened up slightly, looking less like a demon now that she had an answer. "Thank you, Miss Clark." She walked away, looking like she really did have a stick up her arse. Maybe Madam Pomfrey could do something about that for her…

"Well that could have been worse," my mate, Robin, commented as she took a drag of her cigarette.

"Thanks for that, Cherry," I heard Sirius say as he cautiously peeked his head out from around the corner. Once he was confident that McGonagall really was gone for good both he and Potter came nonchalantly shuffling out from behind the wall.

"No worries," I replied with a shrug. "So what'd you do to brass her off this time?"

Black and Potter exchanged mischievous grins that piqued my interest. "Nothing too special," Black replied vaguely.

I gave him a look of disbelief, "Riiiggghttt. Whatever, Black, we have Muggle Studies bullocks to do. What time's good for you?"

He shrugged, "I'm free now."

I flashed him a pearly grin, "Great. Let's go see if we can't survive a trip to the library."

I don't know how we survived our trip to the library. He and I both nearly died of coughing attacks when we walked in. Perhaps the dusty atmosphere was something that you just needed to build up immunity to. Luckily for both of us, however, we didn't plan on spending much time there to build up that immunity. In fact, as soon as we coughed through checking out a few relatively useful looking books on motorbikes we ran away from there like we were being attacked by a herd of brassed off Hippogriffs.

We found solace in a non-dusty empty classroom. It was obvious, however, ten minutes into our attempt at working on this project that our attempts were futile. I mean, I still had to find out why he was dating Marren so I wasn't exactly set on spending my time learning about motorbikes and apparently he was just as distracted.

"Black, you've been reading that page for the past ten minutes," I told him disinterestedly. "Have you forgotten how to read?"

He gave me a playful scowl, "No, I – I guess I'm just not up for reading about Muggle engines."

I gasped, putting a hand over my heart, "Not up for reading about Muggle engines? That's practically blasphemous!"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Shut up Clark."

"Alright fine, I'll bite. What's got you so distracted, huh? Your Puffer girlfriend find a way to steal your thoughts?" I questioned, giving him an obnoxious wink. There was something that made being obnoxious with him so easy. It was probably the fact that he was naturally even more obnoxious than I was.

He gave me yet another scowl, good-naturedly swinging the textbook he'd been attempting to read at my head. I easily ducked, sticking my tongue out at him. "It's not that. It's just – It's complicated," he replied with a shrug.

"Ah," I nodded knowingly. "I think I know something that'll help take the edge of that frustration." I reached into my bag, pulling out a small plastic bag.

"Is that what I think it is?" he questioned, looking interestedly down at my bag.

I smiled coyly at him, "Maybe."

"Do you have any idea how much trouble you could get into for having that? McGonagall would –"

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Is the bloke who just brassed McGonagall off to the verge of murder really going to lecture me about breaking rules?"

He held up his hands in surrender, "Fine, point taken. I just hope you know what you're doing."

I faked a pout, beginning to roll a relatively small blunt, "Don't you have any faith in me at all? Now, are you going to make me smoke alone or are you going to get over yourself?"

He sighed, watching me light the end. He looked like he was struggling with his inner self conscience. Luckily for me I think I smoked my own conscience away years ago. "Well I guess a little bit won't hurt," he conceded.

Success! Hopefully a few hits and his tongue'd loosen up a bit about why he was dating a Puffer. I mean, they were practically not even on our level of the food chain. I handed him the roll, giving him the first hit. "Good man. I swear it's not as bad as people make it out to be. You might even like it."

He cautiously accepted it, tentatively taking his first hit. He coughed, handing it back to me. I laughed at his baby-sized hit, taking in what I considered to be normal sized. "Alright so I have a question," I informed him, soaking in the familiar and comforting smell of marijuana.

"I probably have an answer," he wittily replied, snatching the blunt away from me and taking a slightly more impressive hit.

"Hmm maybe I should wait 'til you've had a little more of that before I ask," I shook my head.

"Ah so that was your plan, huh? To bring me here and get me wasted so you could get some answers?" he teasingly questioned, taking another hit. If he kept going the way he was going then he was going to be a goner in just a couple of minutes.

I didn't want him to know how close he was to my trail so I gave a nonchalant shrug, "What else would I want to get you wasted for?"

He scoffed, shaking his head at me, "Well aren't you a charmer?"

"No, that's apparently your job," I quipped, stealing the roll back. "Alright now are you going to be nice and answer my question or not?"

"How am I supposed to know that if I don't know what the question is?" he retorted as I took a puff.

"Okay fine, why did you agree to date a girl who won't have sex with you?"

Oops, I was going to try to be more subtle and tactful about that. Oh well, there was a reason that Tact wasn't my middle name.

He even looked more surprised than I was that my question had managed to spill out. "Wow, I – I don't even know how to answer that."

"Well generally it's considered acceptable by answering with the truth," I pointed out.

"Alright err I kind of… I started dating her because… Because of James," he admitted.

Well I definitely hadn't seen that one coming. That was definitely not what I was expecting. "I don't understand."

He let out a small laugh and I wasn't sure if it was because he actually found this entertaining or if it was the marijuana going to his brain. "Ali's friends with Evans, and James' been in love with Evans since forever. The idea was if I could get Ali on our side then Evans would be more likely to say yes to him. Well, that was brilliant and all except for the fact that I didn't realize how fragile she is. I couldn't just break up with her so we're in a bit of a rut."

Okay, that made a bit more sense once he explained it. "Was it worth it?"

He shrugged, "She's alright. Kind of grows on you after a bit. I mean she's passive most of the time and a bit timid but she's not that bad."

"So you're cursing yourself with celibacy because you don't have the heart to break up with her? I don't know if that makes you a saint or an idiot," I commented off-handedly.

He let out a canine-like laugh, "It's really not that bad."

I raised an eyebrow at him, "Pet, the sexual frustration is practically dripping off of you. You're lying out of your arse."

He shrugged yet again, "And what if I am. It's not like I can do anything about it."

"Ah so the whole Camilla West announcement was obviously a fluke?" I questioned in disbelief.

He rolled his eyes exaggeratedly with a loud sigh, "Don't you have better faith in me than to think I'd shag _her_?"

"And the rumor that you slept with Courtney Steele last weekend is obviously hearsay too?"

"Well, erm, that _might _not just be hearsay," he admitted.

So he really was a no-good cheating bastard. "Might?"  
>"You have to understand, we'd been dating for months. I mean, it's been like seven months now. I was going crazy. It wasn't – It wasn't just about the sex," he told me, taking a long hit. He exhaled deeply, "It's hard to explain what it's like being with her. It's like – It's like I constantly have to watch what I say and what I do and how I do it. I just needed a break, you know? Just some time to forget about it. It's not that Ali's a bad person. I mean, she's sweet and brilliant and all but – It's like she's my exact opposite on everything. She's so careful about everything and she never wants to offend people and she's so skittish and I'm – I'm blunt and impulsive and I find her exhausting."<p>

I had to feel sorry for the guy. I mean, infidelity is infidelity but he originally had good intentions. I could understand why dating someone who was your complete opposite was exhausting. "And how does she feel about it?"

He let out a humorless laugh, leaning back on his hands, "She once asked me if I loved her. The funny thing is I wanted to be able to tell her I did but I couldn't. I couldn't lie to her and I couldn't tell the truth."

"So what did you tell her?" I questioned curiously.

"I – erm – kind of just grunted. I think she took it as a yes though," he admitted.

"You do realize you're just leading her on, right?"

"Yeah."

I sighed and shook my head at him, taking the blunt back, "You do realize that cheating on her is going to do as much damage as breaking up with her, right? If not worse."

He sighed, "Yeah I know."

"You're lucky either she's gullible and naïve or really stupid because any other girl who thought you were cheating on them and they'd kill you. Well or maybe that's just me," I informed him.

"But I wouldn't cheat on you," he pointed out.

I scoffed, "Ah, I forgot you only cheat on girls who won't put out."

"No, that's not it," he shook his head at me, obviously feeling the effects of the weed. "You aren't as tiring as she is. When I'm around you I don't feel as exhausted and drained. I guess you and I are just more alike. I wouldn't need to cheat on you."

There was something about him saying that which made me internally giggle. What the hell was wrong with me and why was Sirius Bloody Black making me feel like a giggly schoolgirl?

**A/N: This wasn't supposed to turn out like this. In my original planning Sirius wasn't supposed to admit that he cheated on Ali yet. Originally he was just supposed to admit why he was dating her. Obviously that's not what ended up happening. Oops? Anyways I hoped you enjoyed a little more Sirius/Cherry action.**

**Evan**


	7. Over My Head

**A/N: I would have liked to have gotten this chapter to you sooner, but life happened. So sorry about that. Life tends to do such nasty things as happening and whatnot, but I'll try to be better. Hope you enjoy! –J**

_Everyone knows I'm in over my head… And suddenly I become part of the past. I'm becoming the part that don't last. I'm losing you and it's effortless… Everyone knows she's on your mind…_

_-Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray_

I was fidgeting like a mad person. Cherry told me she had made progress and to meet her in our usual place at the usual time. Progress. What did that mean? Had she slept with him? Had she almost slept with him? Had she gotten some sort of confession of guilt?

For the first time I was wishing Cherry would arrive and fill the air with smoke, anything to calm me down. I wondered vaguely if there were potions to help me manage my nerves that were non-addictive.

Great, I was becoming a druggie.

"Morning, sunshine," said that voice I was beginning to see in a vast variety of nightmares. Cherry had finally arrived, already rolling one of those disgusting smoke contraptions and dropping her book bag as she leaned against the wall opposite me. "Been sleeping? You look ill."

Of course, she had to point that out, and with such glee in her voice. It's as if I didn't have feelings. Maybe that's what she thought of me?

Clearly, the paranoia was out of control.

I cleared my throat.

"You said you needed to meet me," I pressed. "What have you got?"

Cherry considered me as she smoked, her face thoughtful and intense. It's as though she was trying to gauge what my possible reactions to her news would be.

"Progress," she said finally. "He's beginning to trust me, but I haven't got anything solid. I've got to go slow so he doesn't suspect. I need to know…" She bit her lip thoughtfully. "I need to know if you can handle the long haul. This isn't a blitz, this is a delicate operation. If this takes time, are you going to be able to wait it out, or are you going to snap?"

I considered her point. It had barely been any time at all into the plan and I was already going a bit nutty with anxiety and guilt. If this took… months… or something like that, would I still be functioning? I had my future, my N.E.W.T.s to think of.

"If he hasn't cheated by the end of the year," I decided, "we call it over."

"And you'll be okay until then?"

I nodded. I had to be.

"If you say so, Puffer," she sighed, exhaling a long stream of smoke. Then, to my surprise, she put out her joint, clasped my shoulder, and said, "Buck up, buttercup," as she made her way back out of the room. I frowned. Buttercup? I wish she'd stick with one degrading nickname and stop bouncing around. I was beginning to feel like a pet.

I wasn't sure what was going on in Cherry's head, but knowing Cherry, it was better that way. My feet carried me to the Charms courtyard. Homework, essays, reading. Immersing myself in school would make everything better.

Barely after I began to read, I was joined by Remus. He said not a word, just sat beside me and pulled out his own book, finding a marked page and going right at it. With a frown, I turned back to my own book. Remus and I were friendly, but this sort of behavior was certainly out of character.

"Don't react to anything I say to you," he said softly, conversationally, "and if you speak, pretend like we're discussing the weather. And be quiet about it."

"Why?" I said, obeying orders and keeping my voice as even as possible. I felt like one of those spies in those Muggle films that were so popular. All I needed was a martini and a slinky cocktail dress. My nerves were already on edge.

"Don't need more rumors flying around about your love life, do you? Anyway, I know what you're doing."

My heart skipped about six beats. He had figured it out. He knew everything. He had come to tell me that Sirius was cheating on me and that he had told Sirius everything and I was about to be publically humiliated. My life was over.

"I haven't determined your plan," he continued, "and I don't expect you to tell me. I don't want you to. But whatever your new arrangement is meant to accomplish, be careful, Ali. I've been a Marauder long enough to know that you don't play around with girls like that unless you know what you're getting yourself into. I don't want to get involved in whatever you're up to, and I think it would be a bad idea if I tried, but you need someone on your side. And I don't mean your partner, I mean someone on your side, looking out for your interests. If – if things don't go well, if you need someone, I'm here for you, okay? If you start feeling funny about things, let me know and pull out. Whatever you're trying to do, it's not worth you getting hurt."

"What are you saying, Remus?" I whispered, very confused about what he was talking about. I clearly wasn't cut out to be in Muggle spy films. It didn't help that my paranoid mind was trying to read more into his words than he was probably saying. Subtlety was not my thing.

"I'm saying," he said softly, pausing thoughtfully. "I'm saying you can trust me, no matter who else you can or can't. I'll be here, and you can trust me." He turned a page of his book leisurely. "I may not always tell you things, but I'd never lie to you, Ali."

I believed him. Remus didn't seem the type. I imagined he wouldn't have been very good at lying, just as I was a terrible spy. There was one way to find out, however.

"Is Sirius–?"

"Good night, Ali," he said swiftly, rushing to get up, waving goodbye, and leaving before I finished my question.

Of course, he could promise not to lie as much as he wanted, but what good did it do if he wouldn't let me demand the truth out of him? I should have made him make an Unbreakable Vow. Perhaps it was selfish of me, asking him to possibly betray one of his best friends for me, but I was a nervous wreck, damn it, and I wanted answers!

Cherry said this could take a while. How long was a while? Would I be a sane, functioning person, or would the stress have rendered me to incoherent mush? At that point, I was leaning toward mush.

"Peter!" I called, spotting the mousey Marauder as I wandered the halls, "I have a couple of questions for you."

"Yeah?" he squeaked eagerly.

"Do you know if Calming Draughts are addictive?"

"I-I-I'm not sure. Is this on our homework? I-I don't' think they are. Y-you could ask Sirius–"

"No," I said sharply, causing the boy to jump. "I don't want him knowing we had this talk. Do you know where they keep them in the infirmary?"

"Of course!" he squeaked happily, obviously pleased I asked a question he knew the answer to.

"Think you can nick me some?" I breathed, shocked as Peter was at my boldness. I was asking Peter to break some serious rules on my behalf, but he was a Marauder, after all. He probably had a rule-breaking quota to meet to stay in the gang.

"How much?" he asked once he had gotten over his initial surprise at my request.

"Not too much, you could always get more later, right?" He nodded. "How soon can you do it? How long will it take?"

"I can go right now!" he squeaked. Before I even had a chance to say please, he rushed off in the direction of the infirmary. Having nothing better to do than wait for him, I pulled out a book and sat against the wall. It didn't take long at all for Peter to return with half a dozen vials of Calming Draught.

"How long will that last you?" he said as he slid them into my bag, one by one, stealthily.

"A few weeks," I replied, astonished with how much he had managed to acquire.

"Let me know if you need more, then," Peter said happily, and I thanked him hastily before rushing into the nearest toilet and carefully drinking about half a mouthful of the liquid. Too much Calming Draught acts as a sedative, and I would attract suspicion if I wasn't cautious about dosage.

I pulled out my homework planner when I got back out to the hall and decided to start on my Defense Against the Dark Arts essay. I had barely been studying long when Cherry and a group of her delinquent friends sauntered past. Her friends looked at me disdainfully, but it was the knowing smirk Cherry gave me that made my brain race with paranoia and my heart rate double. How could this be? Had I studied so long that the potion had already worn off? I checked my watch, but I couldn't think of what time I took the first dose. I must have studied longer than I thought.

Carefully, I finished the vial. It wasn't very big, I told myself. I knew that should have lasted me at least two days, but it wasn't working properly. I wasn't calm.

"Hey," said a voice above me as I returned to my book, feeling not only calm but, a little bit sleepy.

"Sirius," I muttered in greeting, and he flopped to the ground beside me.

"I know you like to study, Ali," he said in an amused voice, "but isn't this a bit of a random location?"

I shrugged.

"C'mon," he chuckled. "Let's go for a walk."

I was growing sleepier, but I complied, following him down the hall. I wasn't sure what path we took to my favorite spot, but I knew we were there before long.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while," he murmured. I nodded absently. I couldn't quite recall the last time we had been alone, but it probably didn't matter. He was acting like a girl, all of the sudden. We were together, why was he being so silly? It wasn't like Sirius to be sentimental.

I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his spicy scent and relishing in his warmth. I allowed him to wrap his arms around him as I inhaled his delicious scent. He was incredibly cozy.

"Ali?" he said, his voice amused. "What are you doing?"

"You smell nice," I mumbled sleepily. "You smell like Christmas."

"Like Christmas," he laughed. "Do you like Christmas, Ali?"

I nodded. Of course I liked Christmas. What a silly question.

His lips were on my neck, I was against the wall, and it all felt so good… smelt so good… I may have sighed, but my brain wasn't processing things at normal speed. His lips on mine, his tongue… Sirius had the most delicious tongue.

I imagine he was pleased. I wasn't fighting him, even if I wasn't the world's most eager and willing participant. And yet, he pulled back, frowning at me. It took me several moments to figure out why.

He was groping me, but I hadn't pushed him away. I hadn't even acknowledged it. I still wasn't acknowledging it. That would have taken energy. I simply stared at his confused face through heavily-lidded eyes, too tired to tell him off. Clearly expecting me to do something, to rebuke him, his hands retreated and he kissed me on the cheek chastely.

"Are you feeling okay, Ali?"

I nodded. I felt great. A little sleepy, but so relaxed…

"Did you take any funny potions?"

"No," I muttered. "I'm just sleepy. N.E.W.T.s."

Well, it was true. I knew exactly what I had taken. There wasn't anything funny about it. And N.E.W.T.s seemed to be a good explanation for everything these days. Late for Slughorn's class? N.E.W.T.s. Forgot the textbook? N.E.W.T.s. Don't have anything to wear? N.E.W.T.s. It was like a disease we all had and blamed for all the bad things in our lives. But he had pushed me away… Had I done something wrong?

"All night studying, again? C'mon, Ali, let's get you to sleep. Promise you'll sleep and not study?"

"Promise."

"I was too drowsy to study, anyway. But I was calm. I wasn't paranoid. Everything was fine.

"You'll be fine tomorrow."

"Mmhmm…"

The next morning, I woke up in an entirely unfamiliar place. The potion had worn off and my initial reaction was panic. Trying to keep myself relatively calm, however, I sat up slowly. There were curtains. I moved one back. I was in a dormitory, and the curtains were red.

Gryffindor.

There were several other beds, but I could have figured that out without seeing. There were posters of Quidditch players on the wall. That was rather ambiguous. I knew Marlene had dozens of posters of Quidditch players she wanted to marry. Most girls did. I kept looking.

More red beds. One of the curtains was shifting to reveal…. Naked Peter?

Perhaps the screaming at the top of my lungs was overreacting. But if you've never seen Peter naked, not only are you incredibly lucky, but you're not one to judge. He had the decency to blush and close the curtains around him. Beside the bed, Sirius, who was on the floor, shot to an upright position and began frantically shushing me.

"Merlin, Ali, what's the matter?"

"Why the bloody hell am I in your room?" I shrieked.

He blinked.

I blinked.

I had just cursed at him.

"Um," he muttered. "I couldn't remember your password and there was a prefect on the way. I figured it was safer to just get you here."

"I can't sleep in your dorm, Sirius!" I cried. "What will people think?"

"I slept on the floor," he huffed defensively.

Cute, I thought to myself. He was cute when he was defensive.

Oh, who was I kidding, Sirius was always cute. It just didn't bode well to say that to him. He prided his manliness.

"Sirius, I can't sleep in this room," I moaned. "For one thing, I just saw Peter nude–"

"Sorry!" Peter squeaked.

" – and for another thing, what do you think people are going to think when I walk out of _your_ dormitory in _your_ house wearing the same thing I wore yesterday?"

"Okay, firstly," Sirius said, "I'm sorry about Peter. He does that. We tell him to stop. He does it anyway." There was a grumble of assent from the other boys on their respective curtained beds. "Secondly, I don't know what people are going to think, but I doubt it matters. Thirdly, nobody's going to know you're wearing the same clothes unless you tell them. It's a bloody school uniform, love. They all look the same."

"Of course you don't see how it would matter what they think," I moaned. "You don't have to live with their stares, and the laughs, and the rumors! They _like_ you. They're not making _you_ the butt of every joke!"

"All right, Ali, calm down," he said nervously. "What's all this about?"

Calm. I needed to take the Calming Draught. Sirius and I needed to have this conversation, but I never envisioned it going quite like this. Calming Draught. It would be better if I wasn't a paranoid piece of work.

"We need to have a chat," I said finally. "Privately."

"All right," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I'll close your curtains, the boys will dress and get out, and then we can have a talk, all right?"

I nodded, closing the curtains around me. Where was my bag? Calming Draught… Calming Draught… There it was! Foot of the bed. I found a vial, uncorked it quietly, and took three half-swallows.

"Hurry up, guys. The sooner you get out of here the sooner I can talk to her and the sooner you can come back and actually get ready. C'mon, Peter, scram!"

Several minutes later, the curtains opened again and Sirius sat on the bed beside me.

"Now," he sighed, "what's on your mind, love?"

"Your bloody fan club," I hissed, realizing I wasn't as calm as I would have liked. My hand twitched toward my bag, but I stopped myself. Sirius didn't need to know about my self-medication. He would get suspicious. Suspicious would get us caught. That would be bad.

"Out of curiosity," Sirius said with an amused expression, "what's the deal with your new vocabulary?"

My cheeks grew hot and I shrugged a little.

"I guess my more recent company is rubbing off on me. Sorry."

Of course, I was referring to Cherry, but Sirius didn't have to know that.

"No, no, I like it," he said with a little bark of laughter. "I just thought I'd never hear something like that come out of your sweet little mouth, princess. Now, my fan club? What about them?"

Princess. Many girls would appreciate such a name from their boyfriend. The way he said it though, it felt too much like how Cherry called me "Puffer" or "sunshine" to make me feel like it was a term of endearment. It was almost demeaning.

"It's not just them, but I think they're the source of it all," I said, trying to imagine I was talking to Remus, a rational, intelligent, drama-free being. With Remus, I could be calm. With Sirius, calm was nearly impossible. "You've heard the rumors?"

"About me sleeping with everything that moves?" he said with a wry smirk. "Don't listen to them, Ali. It's a bunch of rubbish."

"It's not just those, though," I admitted softly. I'd never spoken about this aloud, these things. I had avoided discussing them with Marlene and Lily when they came up. I didn't want to admit knowing, caring, or how much they hurt. "Have you heard what they say about _me_?"

He frowned slightly, the smirk sliding off his face. With a little shake of his head, I steadied myself, trying to think of how to tell him.

"They talk about your 'naïve little Hufflepuff toy', like I'm some sort of piece of trash. Sometimes they say I'm not good enough for you, but you keep me around because I'm something to look at. Sometimes they say the only reason you're near me is because I'm obviously putting out several times a day. S-sometimes…" I rubbed my arms self-consciously. This stung the most. "Sometimes they say you're only dating me as a favor to James, trying to get Lily's attention."

I didn't meet his eyes. Whether or not he was cheating on me, whatever he thought of me, whatever the truth of the relationship was, I never wanted to know whether that particular rumor might be true. There was nothing that hurt more than the thought that I was, once again, second best to Lily. She had everything, the beauty, the personality, the charm, the attention of every professor, every student she wished. James Potter declared his undying love for her on an almost daily basis. Before Sirius asked me out, I was hardly a hot commodity on the dating market.

And that was fine. Lily was unnaturally gorgeous. I was pretty enough, at best. Lily was witty, clever, creative. I was very bookish without much in the way of a sense of humor and, admittedly, underdeveloped social skills. Marlene had worked hard on me for years, dressing me up, telling me what to say, setting me up on Hogsmeade dates, but it never worked out. She picked boys who would like a girl like her or Lily. What sort of a boy would like a girl like me?

And then Lily became Head Girl and she had truly outshined me at everything. The one thing I could never live with is the knowledge that Sirius, the one truly great thing that happened in my time at Hogwarts, the one thing Lily had nothing to do with, was really all because James wanted to have better access to Lily.

"I haven't heard it, but Ali," Sirius whispered, but I cut him off.

"It hurts. It hurts a lot. And I don't care if any of it's true, and even if it was, you'd say it's not, so save your breath," I whispered, "but I think you really ought to know, that even though you can just brush this off and pretend it doesn't matter, because for you it doesn't, for me it does. The world can't live up to your godlike standards, Sirius, and I certainly can't compare."

And without stopping to look at him, without saying goodbye, without even kissing his cheek, I hoisted up my bag with shaking hands and marched right out of the dormitory, out of the common room, and down the hall to the nearest toilet where I took the rest of the Calming Draught in the vial I had opened that morning. Suddenly it occurred to me that half a dozen vials were not going to last me nearly as long as I had thought they would.


	8. Operation Get Some

I was feeling guilty. Me, guilty? That was practically a sign of the apocalypse. I don't do guilty. I especially don't do guilty when it comes to obnoxious Puffers with serious anxiety disorders. I mean, I didn't owe her anything. If I didn't want to tell her that she was being cheated on then I shouldn't have had to. I told her that I'd prove to her whether or not Sirius was a cheater. That just meant that I had to get him to cheat on her so she could witness it firsthand. It didn't mean that I had to bring up old affairs. I was doing nothing wrong, but at the same time if I wasn't doing anything wrong then why did I feel guilty?

It wasn't like the Puffer and I were friends. She'd stopped practically hyperventilating when we were in the same room together so I suppose that could be consider sincere improvement for her but we weren't by any means friendly. I only saw her when I gave her updates on the Sirius situation and the rest of the time we weren't even pretending to acknowledge each other's existence. I had no reason to feel guilty. It didn't concern me. If she had a cheating boyfriend then it wasn't my fault or my problem.

I kind of, sort of, felt sorry for both of them though. I mean, she was way in over her head and he had noble intentions but a sex drive that made him act like an idiot. There was probably not a worst match in Hogwarts but yet they still found each other. Of all the Marauders she chose to date she probably had found the one who was the most different than herself. Lupin or even Pettigrew would have been a better match for her than him.

Speaking of Sirius, I don't know how it happened. First he was Black, a guy who I'd never really interacted with much, and then he became Sirius, the guy who sought me out of every nook and cranny I found myself in just because he was bored or lonely at the moment. Honestly, it was like he was some bloodhound who could follow my scent anywhere. Once he found me skiving off Potions and taking a nap behind a tapestry. Let's just say that waking up to the feeling of someone watching you sleep is creepy as hell.

I had told the Puffer that this was going to be a marathon, not a sprint but I didn't know how much longer I was going to survive. It was too confusing to play the double agent in a failed relationship. I mean, it wasn't like they weren't going to break up without my help. Unless they became one of those perpetually unhappy married couples that eventually slept in different beds. Actually, given the Puffer's anxiety issues I doubted that they would have ever shared a bed even if they were married.

Just because they were doomed for disaster didn't mean that I wasn't still obligated to show her that he was a no-good cheater. Well, just because he was a cheater didn't mean that I couldn't enjoy myself. I mean, there were some definite advantages and perks to being friendly with Sirius. I generally enjoyed his company and there were certain instances where the little things he said and did made my heart spasm in my chest. Though there was the added stress, the bonuses generally outweighed the consequences.

I don't know why Sirius ever chose this life for him. I mean, we both were cut from the same cloth in the sense that neither of us were built for celibacy. Some people could handle it without a second thought but we weren't that kind of people. Part of me was torn of whether or not to feel sorry for him. On one hand it was his own fault that he was in this position. But on the other hand he had only been dating her for Potter. Poor Puffer. That blow to her self-esteem was something she was never going to recover from.

I understood in a way why he cheated. The physical toll it could have on someone who was used to having sex at will to go to being completely deprived must have been intense. I mean, this couldn't have been a lifestyle choice that he was willing to make.

I didn't know what to make of the entire situation. I mean, how screwed up of a relationship can you have? I'd never seen one quite so dysfunctional and for me that was saying something. After all, I was the product of a pureblood, loveless marriage. I think I must have been a test tube baby because there was no way that my parents ever consummated their marriage. I try not to get all philosophical about my upbringing, mostly because I try to repress those memories, but if I had to guess then I'd assume that my parents' relationship had an impact on my outlook on romance and it wasn't a positive impact. Maybe that impact was what made celibacy impossible. That'd explain why both Sirius and I acted like sex addicts. Rumor had it that we'd come from similar backgrounds and I wouldn't have been surprised. After living with parents who can't stand each other it must have been hard for him to have a loveless relationship of his own.

He was a cheater and I knew that. I knew that he and I could never be more than a bit of sexual tension and perhaps a good snog for my efforts or if I was really lucky a shag. That was all I could have expected from that relationship. I knew that I needed to just focus on my objective and get through my last year in one piece. However, my mind knowing something was different than it wanting something. Even though I kept repeating to myself that once a cheater always a cheater it didn't totally persuade me. What I really needed was a sexual outlet. I mean, that's all this was, right, sexual tension? Well if that was the case then it could be cured with a simple venting of my sexual frustration. A good romp every once in a while wasn't going to endanger my mission anyways. I mean, maybe me coming off as unattainable would be even more enticing to him.

Now the biggest problem I was facing was the fact that I didn't really know anybody who I could get away with having a casual fling with. I mean, as much as men want to put it off as them being natural at being able to shag without any attachment they weren't necessarily as good at it as they said. Or at least most of them weren't. I guess that just meant I needed to be more selective about who I chose.

I had a few male mates. A few of them were already romantically involved with other people and I didn't need any more cheating drama in my life. It was bad enough having to deal with the Puffer and Sirius' drama. I just needed to find myself a bloke who I could stand, that wasn't going to take us shagging as a sign that eventually we were going to get married and that would satisfy my pending lust. Honestly, how hard could it be to find a guy who could do that for me? Apparently it was harder than expected considering the one bloke who surpassed all of my requirements was the one guy I was trying to de-lust myself of.

Of the five males I was friendly with (not including Sirius), two of them had girlfriends, one had a severe case of chronic acne, one was definitely not going to sexually satisfy me and that left one last candidate. His name was Riley and he was the epitome of nonchalant coolness. He was the kind of bloke who wouldn't even act like an afternoon romp ever happened after it was over. He was physically attractive and he could probably quench my craving. He was absolutely perfect for what I needed.

So with a target in mind my sights narrowed in on and I was completely blind to everything else except my mission. I liked to call it "Operation: If I Don't Get Some Soon I'm Gonna Go Crazy and Kill All the First Years" or just "Operation: Get Some" for short. Now I just had to find a way to get into his pants without coming off as pathetic or needy.

The first step to my operation? My favorite pair of what I liked to refer to as "Shag Me Pumps". They were a bold red color and, not to come off as egotistical, but damn, they made my legs look good. My Shag Me Pumps and a nice well-fitted skirt and I was practically golden.

I always knew they worked whenever I wore them because of the reaction I got whenever I wore them into a crowded room. There was the general male jaw-dropping and an occasional dropping of dishes but my favorite part was when jealous girlfriends would smack their gawking boyfriends. There was nothing more addicting than the feeling of power that came from all the attention these shoes brought me.

I generally kept them for special occasions. I mean, if I used them all the time then they'd lose some of their novelty effect. That was why when slipped them on for the first time of the year I was anxious to see if they still had their full effect. When I walked into the Great Hall for breakfast I was reassured that they hadn't lost any of their power. In fact by the time I got to my seat at the Gryffindor table I'd grabbed quite a few impressed and intrigued looks, not to mention caused several boyfriends with wandering eyes to get their unimpressed girlfriends to loudly voice their protest over the attention I was getting.

I felt most empowered by the shock, wild eyed expression from a certain Sirius Black when I took my usual seat next to him. I had to fight back a victorious smile. "Didn't your mother tell that staring is bad manners?" I questioned him coolly. "Speaking of your mother, she's a charming woman. Tell me, was she born without a soul or did hers just shrivel up from not being used and fall off?"

He shook his head wildly, like he was trying to shake this off, "I'm pretty sure she was born without."

"And so is having a soul a recessive gene or did you buy yours on the black market?" I inquired nonchalantly.

"Huh? What?" Yep, Mr. Black was definitely easily distracted that morning.

"Clark!" I heard the Hell Spawn Ginger angrily exclaim.

"Yes, Hell Spawn?" I greeted her with a polite smile.

"What are you wearing?" she demanded, her hands on her hips. Dear Merlin, she looked like a little McGonagall.

"Clothes."

She scowled at me, "Barely. And what are you wearing on your feet?"

"Shoes."

"Clark, I'm not in the mood for your bullocks right now! What have I told you about wearing those shoes?"

"That they bring out the color in my eyes?" As much as I knew that getting into it with Evans was a bad idea that didn't mean it was going to stop me from telling her that she needed to get the stick out of her arse. I could only take so much of her "I'm the Head Girl and therefore I rule the world" mentality.

"They're against school uniform! And take that skirt off! We're a school, not some corner that you can sell yourself at!"

Oh and what a golden opportunity the little Attila the Ginger Bitch had presented me. I got to my feet, "Fine." I unsnapped my skirt, pulling it off and throwing it at the bitching ginger. "Happy?" Before I gave her the chance to respond I nonchalantly walked out of the Great Hall, proudly listening to the numerous cat calls and wolf whistles that followed behind me. Sometimes it was good to be me.

I returned to my dormitory, knowing better than to chance the sexual harassment and numerous detentions that would await me if I went to my lessons skirt-less. I decided that the heels might just add something a little special to my school uniform. It'd be like "School Girl Gone Bad" and what guy didn't feel his trousers twitch at school girl fantasies?

I was loudly applauded when I came down the dormitory stairs to the Common Room. I sauntered up to Riley, who was nonchalantly leaning against the Common Room wall. "So guess what I heard?" he commented unconcernedly.

"That McGonagall and Slughorn are secret lovers? Sorry, love, but that's old news," I replied with equal nonchalance.

"No, that I missed quite a show at breakfast," he answered with an amused look and a twinkle in his eyes. "I have to admit I'm a little jealous that every other bloke in Hogwarts got to get your knickers except for me."

Ooh, well this was going a little faster than expected. If I'd had known all I had to do was show a little bit of skin, or rather lace, to get his attention than I would have done this ages ago. "Well maybe if you're a good boy I might give you an encore performance."

He raised an eyebrow in surprise, "Well if that's the case than I can be a very good boy."

"Well then I guess I'll just have to believe it when I see it," I retorted calmly.

"Well how about you skive off lessons with me and I'll show you how good I can be?" he suggested.

Mission successful. I bit my lip to add to the naughty school girl vibe I had going on. "Well if you put it like that then how can I say no?"

**A/N:**

**I'm not really sure how this chapter turned out like this. I just started writing and all of a sudden BAM! Cherry turned into a sex addict. It just kinda happened… Oops? Personally I like the development. I also liked the comparison between her and Sirius about their messed up home lives being part of the reason that they can't do celibacy. More on that to come.**

**Evan**


	9. Thought It's Easy to Pretend

**A/N: This chapter happened much quicker than I anticipated, probably because I've been putting off a major assignment in my psychology classes (less than 24 hours to write a 10 paper left… :/ Haven't written a word yet!). Anyway, here it is. Hope you appreciate it, because I will probably get a C in psychology now.**

**-J**

"_To the heart and mind ignorance is kind, and there's no comfort in the truth. Pain is all you'll find."_

_-Seether or Wham! (Your preference), Careless Whisper_

Lily was in a rage. This wasn't just any Lily Evans rage. This was a Lily-Evans-had-a-skirt-chucked-at-her-in-the-middle-of-the-Great-Hall-for-spite rage, otherwise known as Lily wanting to murder Cherry Clark. It was one of those once in a lifetime rages. Or at least, I was hoping it only happened once. As entertaining as it had been, I didn't think I could handle more of it.

At the time of the event in question, Lily's face could have matched a turnip, and I was sure steam was coming out of her ears. Maybe it makes me a bad friend, but I couldn't say I never wanted to see someone put Lily in her place. Merlin knows Lily always gets what she wants, and that just doesn't seem healthy. Still, I hadn't wanted it to be by someone who looks so spectacular skirtless, and especially someone skirtless standing so close to my boyfriend.

I honestly think every male jaw in the Hall had dropped, and probably a few female jaws. It was understandable. She was a pretty girl, she had incredible legs, and the heels hadn't hurt anything. Still, even through the vial of Calming Draught I had consumed prior to breakfast, I felt a twinge of jealousy at the way Sirius, Remus, and Peter had ogled at Cherry. I mean, they were male, and they obviously hadn't seen it coming. I couldn't hold that against Sirius, as even Remus had stared. But still.

Perhaps the part that bothered me most was that the second Lily ordered Cherry to "take off" her skirt, I knew exactly what was about to happen. Considering my lack of ability to read tea leaves, the only logical explanation was that I had spent enough time around Cherry to begin to not only tolerate her, but to understand her enough to anticipate some of her actions. The thought was unnerving.

But fast forward a bit. Lily, Marline, and I were supposed to be spending our free period practicing Defense in an empty classroom. Instead, Marlene and I took turns Stunning each other while Lily paced and vented her verbal frustration at my partner-in-crime (Cherry), glaring at the wall with such ferocity that you would have thought _it_ had thrown clothing at her that morning as well.

"And that stupid hair!" Lily shrieked.

"Bloody hell, will you just shut up about Cherry's hair already?"

Silence.

Blinking.

Had I actually said that out loud?

"Excuse me?"

Apparently I had. That was a bit awkward.

"What Ali means–" Marlene began, but I cut her off.

"I mean that I'm sick of your self-righteous rants about someone who hasn't even done anything to you! I mean really, do you shriek like this about me when I'm not around?"

"Did you not see her behavior this morning?" Lily said, clearly as shocked as I was by my newfound boldness.

"What Ali's trying to say–"

"Even if I hadn't, I've only had to listen to you harper on about it for the last hour. She wasn't bothering anyone until you started shrieking at her in front of the entire school!"

Marlene's eyes were wide and Lily once again resembled a turnip. That probably should have been a big clue to shut my mouth and apologize, but I was too numb to care. My inhibitions were gone. I wasn't sleepy anymore, I felt great.

"What Ali is–"

"Ali can speak for herself, thanks! I'm right here, Marlene," I said, just feeling a hint of annoyance through my numbness. "I'm not a child. I can say what I mean." I picked up my things and paused at the doorway. "While I'm at it," I said to Lily, "could you please just snog James already? It would make life so much easier for all of us."

Maybe I had gone too far. But nobody ever told Lily what she didn't want to hear unless they wanted detention, and that really didn't seem fair. People told me what I didn't want to hear all the time. It was how I got into the miss, and Lily had been one of those people.

Suddenly, I felt enlightened. I had spent my whole life in a box. I thought it had been comfortable, because I had never been outside the box, but now that I knew the world outside wasn't all bad, I was stretching out and living and it felt so much better, so much more logical.

Or maybe that was the numbness talking. It did that, sometimes. At least, that's what I attributed it to, since I had no other explanation and it didn't seem fair to blame N.E.W.T.s. N.E.W.T.s were getting such a bad rap these days, what with all the seventh years needing excuses for things.

To make my day even more eventful, I ended up sitting next to James in the library that day before dinner. If that sounds odd to you, that's because the entire premise of James being in the library was odd. I was researching Animagi when he sat down beside me.

"Marlene tells me you and Evans had an interesting conversation of sorts today," he muttered, grabbing a book from the stack in front of me and pretending to read it. I would have been reminded of my conversation with Remus, had James not been holding his book upside down.

"Maybe," I responded, trying to find a point behind the existential crap in the book I was reading.

"Care to talk about it?"

I raised my eyebrows and regarded him over my book.

"Since when do we 'talk', Potter?"

He grinned and replied, "Since Marlene says you told Lily Evans to snog me."

"Did she?"

"Snog me? Nope, but thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Sure," I muttered, turning back to my book, too numb to argue with him. "Was there something you needed, Potter?"

"You know, you don't need to play the ice queen with me, Marren," he said brightly. "I'm not trying to get into your knickers."

I was too numb to care what he meant by that.

"Okay," I said. "Was there something you needed?"

"Are you feeling okay?" he asked, his smirk fading and a flicker of worry in his hazel eyes. To my memory, I had never seen James Potter worried about something, except when Lily was around, and then it was probably just worrying when to duck. He was another one of those people who had way too many good breaks in life, far more than a person actually deserved, especially one who was as much of an arrogant toerag as James was. After all, I hadn't been immune to the stringing-people-up-by-their-ankles-for-amusement phase. In fact, James had always thought I made a hilarious victim. Come to think of it, he never had apologized for that. But I was too numb to care.

"Just a bit tired," I muttered.

And numb.

"You know," I said, "Lily would date you if you acted responsible. She's got a thing for the powerful types. If Dumbledore was about a hundred years younger, she'd probably think he was sexy."

He blinked at me, probably trying to remove the mental image of Lily snogging Dumbledore.

"So you actually want me and Evans together?" he said eagerly, with his silly grin.

"No," I said honestly. "I'm just sick of feeling like my love life is all about you two."

If I hadn't been so numb, I might have noticed him growing paler as he said, "What do you mean?"

"Sirius bugs me about how we should have double dates, you harass me about Lily, Lily rants at me about you, and she can never be happy with me being with Sirius, because Sirius is only slightly less obnoxious than you."

"Wait," he said indignantly, slamming the book down on the table. "How is Sirius less obnoxious than me?"

I marked my book, gathered all the books I checked out, threw them in my bag, and slung it over my shoulder before saying, "Because Sirius doesn't follow her around like a lovesick puppy and behave exactly the opposite of how a girl like Lily would want an admirer to behave. Good night, Potter."

I didn't even have to try to fall asleep that night, as life with the Calming Draught felt like living in a dream, anyway. It was waking up that was trouble, dealing with the nerves and anxiety before I had the potion. The morning that followed the skirt-incident was one of the worst.

"Do you know if Ali's around?"

"She's still asleep, Emily. What's on your mind?"

"Did you guys hear the rumor about Ella?"

"Wait, Ella Davis, as in our roommate?"

"That's the one. Rumor has it she and Sirius Black had a midnight rendezvous on the Astronomy Tower last night."

I could feel myself shaking. No. These were more rumors. There was no proof. This was Camilla West all over again.

"Ella wouldn't do that to Ali–"

"Oh, grow up, Grace. We all know Ella fancied him long before Ali had ever even thought he was attractive. That's definitely breaking some kind of roommate code. I mean, she wasn't even interested in him. She should have turned him down when he asked her to Hogsmeade, on principle. If you ask me, Ali's getting what she deserves."

"You would, wouldn't you, Emily? Leave Grace out of this and go exchange rumors with the rest of the hate-mongering fan girls. I'm sure West would love to hear you talk down Ali Marren, but that kind of thing isn't welcome here. Where's your House loyalty, Johnson? Don't forget everything Ali's done for us. You and I both know she's the reason you didn't fail your Charms O.W.L."

I could hear Emily storm out of the dormitory.

"I wish she hadn't dated him," Grace whispered. "That's when all this in-fighting started."

"Ali can do whatever she wants, Grace. It's not our place to judge," Ashley said. "This can't be easy for her, with all the rumors. She needs us on her side, regardless of what should or shouldn't have been done."

"But Ashley, what if the rumors are true? What if he really is cheating on her?"

There was a pause and I held my breath. It had been the very question I had been asking myself since Cherry and I started our partnership: What if? What would I do? What would I say? How would I act?

"If it's true," Ashley said softly, "then she'll need us on her side all the more, and Sirius Black will wish he had never messed with the Hufflepuffs."

The determination in her voice gave me a surge of House pride as I uncorked my daily vial with a shaky hand. _Cheers to that_, I thought, downing the potion in one, and suddenly I wondered very much what a fight between Cherry Clark and Ashley Thompson would look like. For the what-if that hung on the air would mean Cherry would also incur the wrath of my Housemates, or at least of Ashley and Grace. Maybe Cherry would have a different view of Hufflepuffs if she had seen Ashley calmly hex a fifth-year Slytherin into incoherent fear for picking on Ella when we were twelve. Ashley was sweet, but when provoked she was a force to be reckoned with.

And of course, she never got into trouble, because honestly, what professor was going to believe sweet little Ashley Thompson actually attacked someone? None of them, that's who.

I stretched and pulled open my bed hangings, and then I saw Ashley and Grace silently curling their hair in the corner of the room.

"Good morning, Ali," Grace said sweetly, smiling as if she hadn't effectively blamed me for Emily being the biggest bitch in the universe, but I was already much too numb to care enough to call her out on it. "Did you sleep well?"

"Fine, thanks," I said truthfully. That was one of the best things about the Draught: I was sleeping more peacefully than ever, which boded well for my N.E.W.T.s.

"That's good," Grace twittered. "Remus said you seemed unusually tired lately."

It took a moment for the strangeness of what she had said to sink through the numb. Remus was talking to Grace – strange. Remus was talking to Grace about me – strange. Remus was talking to Grace about my behavior in a seemingly concerned manner – strange.

"Since when do you talk to Remus?" I asked, rummaging around for a pair of socks. I hate socks.

"We were talking in Ancient Runes about Clark's big scene at breakfast and how her behavior's been stranger than usual. Then he mentioned you'd seemed tired and asked if you'd been sleeping okay."

Remus was more than onto us, but I couldn't really bring myself to care through the numb. Still, the weird quality of events didn't escape me. Remus was meddling in my life, and even through the numb, I knew I wanted him to stop. I made a mental note to have words with him later as I pulled on my socks.

Ugh, socks, disrupting my numb. Somehow, the socks were Remus's fault, though I couldn't quite reason how. The numb didn't let me.

Wait, what?

Anyway, Grace said, "I told him I wasn't sure, but I thought maybe it was just N.E.W.T. stress."

"Yeah," I said, "N.E.W.T. stress. That's what it is."

Blame it on the N.E.W.T.s. Except the socks. Those were _all_ Remus, even though I still wasn't sure why.


	10. Jealousy and Perverted Ferrets

Despite the five detentions McGonagall gave me, as well as a long, boring lecture about "Gryffindor decency", I could hardly make myself care about the Great Hall stunt. I was just too busy being blissfully happy to be bothered to care. It must have been the aftereffect of amazing sex.

Despite my original intention of shagging Riley and then going back to just being friends, I had no desire to give up my favorite new boy toy. In fact, I had no desire to let him put his clothes on ever again let alone stop shagging him. I had been celibate for way too damn long and it had worn down my mental stability.

Talking about mental stability, I was hearing some odd things about Marren. I hadn't really seen much of her since my guilt had decided to show up from bloody nowhere. She just seemed off whenever I saw her even though I never saw her up-close. She wasn't the same spineless Puff I knew. She was off and though I enjoyed watching her grow a backbone, it wasn't right. She wasn't who she was supposed to be. It was like she was hollow inside, completely numb.

I wasn't the only one who noticed it either. Lupin and Sirius were noticeably always casting her worried glances, especially Lupin. Maybe I was right about them being a better match than her and Sirius…

As much as I should have spared my attention to the obvious train wreck that was the Puff, Riley always seemed to be stealing my attention. I was too busy snogging and shagging him to think about anything else. My studies suffered, my mates went neglected and I practically forgot my whole promise to test Sirius' faithfulness. The Puff didn't seem to notice that I wasn't working on Sirius but then again I don't think she was noticing many things those days. She was definitely not in her element.

Robin and my other mates weren't nearly as oblivious to my new changes. They were quite vocal about my attention being stolen by Riley. Not only did they like to take the piss over Riley and I shagging but they complained loudly and frequently about our attention being on each other rather than them. If they'd seen Riley naked, however, they'd understand the distraction.

"Cher, what are you doing later?" Riley questioned as he and I were lounging lazily around an unused classroom after a heated snog session.

I stretched in a very cat-like manner, "You hopefully."

He chuckled, "You little minx."

"But I'm your favorite minx," I pointed out, nuzzling his neck with a purr. I don't know where this feline behavior was coming from but it was definitely hitting full force.

"Oh is that so?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow at me.

I nodded, resting my mouth on his ear, "After all I am minx who lets you do the things you do to me and the one who does certain things to you."

There was a faintly visible shiver that went down his neck, "Well when you put it like that I suppose you definitely are my favorite."

"You suppose?" Okay, maybe me using his hormones against him was morally wrong but I was a female. Female kind had been using men's weakness to get what they want for centuries so why couldn't I get away with it too?

"Definitely. You're definitely my favorite," he conceded with an enthusiastic nod.

I smiled victoriously as I got to my feet, "I know. I should go. Sirius' gonna have a fit if I'm late again."

"So what? It's not like he has a claim on you. You should stay with me instead," he suggested, pulling me back to him. "I'm sure I can think of something more interesting for you to do than go meet up with him."

"I'm sure you could, love, but I really need to do this assignment and he is my partner," I pointed out.

"But surely you can miss one little meeting," he attempted to persuade.

"That's what you said to make me miss last time ! I really have to go," I pulled away from him. "I'll be back in a few hours and then my attention will be all yours."

"Promise?"

I rolled my eyes. Wasn't this the same laidback, nonchalant guy from a week before? Since when did he turn into a pouting three year old? "I promise."

"Well I guess I'll let you go," he conceded. "But you're going to owe me."

I couldn't help but roll my eyes again, "What else is new?" I gave him a peck on his lips, "I'll find you when I'm done. Don't wait up."

He gave my arse a playful swat, "Haha, Clara. You're so funny."

I scowled at him at the use of my first name. No one called me Clara. Well, except my family and I hated when they called me that. Actually I hated when I had to hear their voices at all. "Watch yourself, Alexander," I gave him a pointed look before sauntering out of the classroom.

I don't know what happened to him. He never used to act like that. In fact, it wasn't until he and I started shagging that he didn't act like an icebox all the time. It was like his whole cool attitude was really just a façade to cover up his sexual deprivation and once his deprivation was gone then his original disposition shined through.

I was generally happy with him, I suppose. It was fun. The sex was satisfying and the company pleasant. I didn't know how long that would last but I was going to make the most of it.

Sirius was waiting for me in the library when I arrived. I don't know why he'd started wanting to meet in the dank, musky library but I was there per his request. He definitely looked brassed off and that probably had something to do with the fact that I was nearly ten minutes late. "Sorry," I apologized, taking a seat next to him.

He suddenly sat upright like he'd smelled something foul. "You smell like him."

That didn't quite sound like a compliment so I decided to play dumb, "Who?"

"You know who. Riley Alexander, the one you've been shagging for a week," he pointed out bitterly. I didn't understand why he was sounding so bitter. He had nothing to be bitter about.

"Yeah and at least I shag a person for a week unlike you, who's too busy sneaking around on his virgin girlfriend to bother shagging someone for more than ten minutes at a time," I retorted.

"Excuse me? Ten minutes? How horrible of stamina do you think I have?" Of course, of everything I said _that_ would be the part to offend.

I was about to retort when all of a sudden I was being attacked by a flying fur ball. "Jasper!" I growled as my perverted ferret burrowed himself down the cleavage of my shirt. "Honestly, rat, if you don't knock this off I'm going to turn you into a hat!"

"What? Only like it when Alexander does it?" Sirius sneered. Honestly, what the hell was that bloke's problem?

Merlin, what was wrong with him? I sighed and got to my feet, "Alright, Black, I can see we're not going to get anything done today. How about when you finally decide to man up and own up to your jealousy you come find me? I'd love to find out how good or bad your stamina is firsthand." I left him in a state of shock as I sashayed out of the library, ferret in cleavage. Well, I guess after that I couldn't say that I hadn't made any progress on the Sirius front…

**A/N: This chapter was about half the length that I originally wanted (I decided to cut out a scene between Cherry and Robin talking about Riley) but I felt like this fit better. Besides, this way I felt like there was more of a spotlight on Sirius' evident jealousy. This chapter also took me longer than expected with the holidays but some of my other stories sort of commandeered my attention for a while. Oops? I'll try not to do that again but no promises. I'll try though.**

**Evan **


	11. Miracle

"_I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive, so I'm gonna start over tonight, beginning with you and I."_

_-Paramore, Miracle_

I had been meaning to tell Remus off for a while, and the socks were just the least of it. The problem was, the numb liked his presence very much, and making me annoyed enough to disturb the numb was seemingly improbable in his presence. Still, between the socks and his seeming inability to mind his own business, Remus Lupin had it coming.

It happened in the library of all places. For some reason that space was practically begging for a confrontation. I was working on a Potions essay when Remus sat down beside me, his own stack of books before him, and gave me that look which said he was worried about me.

The look disturbed the numb. That was exactly what I had needed.

"Something to say, Remus?"

Despite my mild annoyance, my voice sounded eerily hollow. Even I was aware of it, which alerted me to must how much he had disturbed the numb.

"You've not been yourself lately," he said softly. "Is there something you would like to tell me?"

Had he been anyone else, I would have blamed it all on the N.E.W.T.s, but this was Remus Lupin, and his overly careful attention had been half the reason for my paranoia. It was unacceptable. He had no reason to be watching me with such care, looking at me with eyes full of concern, like Sirius ought to have looked at me.

"I can think of one thing," I replied calmly. "Leave me alone."

He blinked.

"W-what? What do you mean?"

"The amount of attention you've been paying me lately has been bothering me, Remus. I would appreciate it if you would back off. You don't have any business in my private life, so I'd appreciate if you stopped acting as if you do."

There was a silence that anyone but me would have recognized as awkward. I expected him to say something, to fight back. Most people would have done. But I had misunderstood the mindset of Remus Lupin, expecting him to behave like his bolder counterparts.

Instead, he replied, "If that's what you want, then I won't be bothering you. It's simple enough." Quickly, he gathered up his books and walked away, saying, "See you around, Alison," as he went.

A bit of something like regret disturbed the numb, but it was gone as soon as it had come.

Studying was more productive than it had been for a while, and when I went back to my dormitory to drop off my things for dinner, I felt incredibly peaceful. I hadn't felt like that in quite a while and I decided to bask in it for a while. The numb purred.

On my way down to dinner, however, I was pulled into an empty classroom by none other than Marlene and Lily. They watched me expectantly as I settled on a creaky desk across from them.

"Well?" I asked softly, staring at them, waiting. "I'm assuming you have something to say, and I'd like to make it to dinner."

"I'm sorry," Lily answered anxiously, "and you were pretty much right. Clark gets me all worked up and she brings out the worst in me. It's been that way since first year, and I don't know how to stop reacting so violently. I should have let McGonagall punish her and been satisfied. You two didn't need to hear me carry on about it, and I'm sorry. I will try to control myself better next time." She paused. "But I won't be snogging Potter!"

"No one's forcing you to," I pointed out. She nodded.

More awkward silence. It took me a moment to realize that they expected a similar sort of apology/explanation from me. This was what we girls did, exchanged words after fights before hugging and making up, even if there was only one guilty party. What had I done lately that I should apologize for?

"I'm sorry," I said, unsure of what I was supposed to be sorry for, but knowing I was expected to be sorry. They also wanted me to give them some sort of reasoning for me being sorry, as Lily had done. So, I gave the only excuse I could expect to be believed: "N.E.W.T.s."

"I didn't realize you were so stressed," Marlene said sympathetically. "Have you seen Madam Pomfrey?"

"Yes," I lied. "I'll be fine."

"You would let us know if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" Lily asked anxiously.

"Of course," I lied. It was becoming far too common to do that, lately. I wanted to push them out of my personal space, as I had done with Remus, but the numb told me that this would be a bad idea.

We went to dinner, but I realized just as I sat down beside Sirius that I had left my Potions notes in the library.

"I have to go," I said abruptly. "I left something in the library. I'll be back soon."

No one appeared surprised, so I went along my way, taking the familiar route to the library. Madam Pince had found my notes and put them behind the desk for me, so I took them and stashed them in my dormitory quickly before heading back down to dinner. I was halfway there when it happened.

"Well, what have we here?" said a sickeningly smug voice. "A little lost Hufflepuff, with no one to hear her scream."

Something about the words that had been said made me think I ought to run, but instead I turned to find Camilla West with an assortment of Marauder fan girls, of the most rabid sort. They were looking at me with such pure and unadulterated hatred that it might have made an unnumb person shiver.

"West," I said hollowly. "Just heading to dinner; I expect you were doing the same?"

"You think you're so special, don't you, Marren?" she spat. "You're not. Sirius doesn't love you. He's with you because you're the only one stupid enough not to see what he does behind your back."

"Do you want me to be scared of you, West?" I whispered. I looked her square in the eye as I spoke, not from confidence, but because it seemed the most logical place to look. "Do you want me to run away like everyone else who's ever dated him, to cower before you? I'm not afraid. I'm not running from you."

"How very _Gryffindor_ of you," she drawled. "Foolish, I mean. But then, Hufflepuffs never were known for their ability to reason. And we all know you aren't the brightest of Hufflepuffs."

She flicked her wand and sent a Stinging Jinx at me. I dodged it and put up a Shield Charm, but my reaction time was a little slower than usual. A Full-Body Bind hit me, and I lay on the ground, praying my shield would hold long enough for someone to find me. I didn't want my obituary to say that I had been gored by a pack of crazed fan girls of my boyfriend who was cheating on me. Probably. It still hadn't been proven, but in that moment, proof didn't matter. Whether or not he was cheating wouldn't save my life.

The shield did last, but not long enough. It was only a matter of minutes before the storm of psychopathic fan girls had descended upon me, spitting on me, stepping on me, kicking me, pulling my hair, and laughing all the while.

"I say we rearrange her pretty little face. Sirius wouldn't want her then," one of them voiced.

"A good idea," Camilla said, smirking. She looked down at me, spitting on my nose. "Who would like to do the honors?"

"Allow me," said a voice from outside the group. Camilla's smirk twisted as she turned.

"Thompson," she said. "Nice of you to join us. Want to help us give the little bint what she deserves?"

"With pleasure," Ashley snarled, shooting a curse at Camilla. Gasps of outrage sounded throughout the fan girls. I hadn't heard an incantation or seen the results, but there was a flash of purple.

"My hair!" the Ravenclaw shrieked.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Ashley said with a cold laugh, "were you referring to a different bint? Silly me. If it's any consolation, West, you were getting split ends, anyway."

Camilla West gave off a horrifying cry and they began to duel. I listened to the sounds of dueling as I endured more kicking and spitting. Actually, their methods of abuse were more dull than painful at that point. It went on like that for several minutes, until I heard Lily's voice yell, "Oh my god, Ali!"

"Did you find her?" called Potter.

"A little help would be nice, guys! There's a fair amount of these birds." Ashley yelled.

I could see the distinct profiles of Lily, Potter, Sirius, and Remus join in on the dueling action, but even so they were outnumbered two to one by fan girls and I was still immobilized. That was particularly frustrating, because I was still being kicked, even if it was more accidental now, and I was no longer being spat at. That, and my foot itched fiercely.

After about twenty minutes went by, the fan girls had begun to scatter, as they happened to be matched against the five best duelists in the school. A couple of the more rabid girls were still around, including Camilla West, who must have been better with a wand than I would have guessed.

It was when that wand suddenly pointed at my chest, however, that several of my defenders froze. She didn't declare her intentions. Attacking her could cause her to hit me with any number of curses, and she had proven herself to have impeccable reflexes.

Before anyone had figured out what to do, a spell shot from the corridor behind Camilla West and hit her in the wand arm. The dynamic of the fight changed instantaneously. Whatever it was that hit Camilla West seemed painful, because she promptly dropped her wand and screamed as her arm began to bend the wrong direction.

"Who was that?" Sirius barked, but nobody answered.

Lily and Remus ran to look for my elusive savior as Potter led West and the only remaining compatriot of the Ravenclaw to the hospital wing, taking points off Ravenclaw as he went, and Ashley rushed to unfreeze me. She and Sirius knelt at my sides.

"Are you all right?" she said carefully, running her wand over me and cleaning all the saliva off me.

"Just bruised," I said honestly as I sat up, stiff from being stiff for so long. "You have really good timing, Ashley. I thought I was going to die."

"Nobody messes with my House," Ashley snarled. "West will be lucky if she survives the week."

"I think she's suffered enough," Sirius said firmly, "between whatever you did to her hair and what happened to her arm."

Lily and Remus had just arrived back, shaking their heads.

"No sign of whoever it was," Remus said. "Not that I blame them, they could have been expelled for a spell like that against a student."

"Come on, Ali, let's get you to the hospital wing," Lily said, helping me to my feet. "You're going to have bruises in the morning if we don't."

I allowed them to steer me off to the infirmary, but my mind was on the person who had attacked Camilla West from behind. I didn't say a word, but I was positive that I had seen a head of cherry-red hair disappearing around the corner just after the spell had hit its target.

A brief thought of thanking her crossed my mind, but if I knew Cherry at all, I knew she didn't want me to know she had done it.

"See?" Potter cried as they led me into the hospital wing. "There she is. I told you it was in defense of a student! I _told_ you I wasn't just attacking people. Why do you never believe me?"

Professor Flitwick and Professor McGonagall were there, apparently not believing a word the Marauder had to say about the state the two Ravenclaw girls were in. However, with one look at my condition they summoned Professor Sprout. The three heads of House sat down with Lily, Potter, and Remus to discuss the events and proper punishment for those responsible as Madam Pomfrey began salving my welts and bruises.

It was then that I got a good look at Camilla West. There was a bottle of Skele-Gro at her bedside and Madam Pomfrey had had to use a magical binding to bend her arm back into place and hold it there for healing. Also, her previously luxurious blonde hair was choppily hacked up to around her ears with odd patches missing and a look as though the tips of the shorter strands had been melted.

Well done, Ashley.

"Oh, dear, Miss Marren," said Madam Pomfrey. "It appears you have had a couple of patches of hair pulled clean out. Let me fix that for you."

Camilla shrieked, "But you said _mine_ couldn't be fixed! How can you fix hers?"

"Miss Marren's hair was ripped out by hand, Miss West," Madam Pomfrey said sternly. "Yours was cursed. The method makes a difference. I can make yours grow faster, but I'm afraid that is the best I can do. You will just have to wait."

Ashley and I exchanged incredulous looks. That was a lie. We knew perfectly well that Madam Pomfrey could fix the spell, and she had, in fact, done so when a Slytherin had used the same curse on Grace the previous winter. That had been how Ashley had learned the curse in question.

"Miss Marren," Professor McGonagall said to me, rather more kindly than I was used to hearing her speak, "did you, by chance, happen to see the person who injured Miss West at all? Or did you perhaps hear something? Anything you can remember could be useful in helping us identify him or her."

My mind recalled the flash of cherry-red hair instantly. I didn't just see something; I knew exactly who they were looking for. My heart began to race. I looked up at Professor McGonagall's expectant face, then to Lily's anxious expression, then to Camilla West's injured arm.

Camilla had deserved it. If McGonagall and Lily knew who I was very sure it was, they would both lose their heads. Neither could be reasonable where she was concerned; there were simply too many years of tension to put aside emotion and treat her as any old student.

"No," I lied evenly. It struck me again how regular lying had become for me. "I didn't see anything."

Half the room let out a collective sigh of frustration.

"Very well," Professor McGonagall said. The disappointment was clear on her face, but her voice was still intensely kind. "Please, let me know if you _do_ remember something."

"Of course, Professor," I said, and as she turned back to the more important people to determine punishments, I turned to Madam Pomfrey. "Could I get a Calming Draught?"

The numb was wearing off and I could feel my anxiety returning, building, taking over. I suddenly wanted to crawl under the blankets of the nearest cot and avoid the staring eyes. All of them were looking at me, even if they were turning away before I could catch them at it. They couldn't see me like this. I wasn't okay.

Madam Pomfrey blinked.

"O-of course, dear. Are you sure? Do you need one? You seem quite calm."

"I need it," I said, a little too quickly. They were all looking at me. I ignored curious looks Sirius and Remus gave me as Madam Pomfrey went into the storeroom and the professors continued their discussion of fair punishments. Madam Pomfrey regarded me with surprise as I downed the vial in one. I should have taken much less, but I needed the numb back.

"You shouldn't take so much at once," Remus said softly. He was apparently paying less attention to the heads of House than I was. "You could develop a dependency."

I ignored him, and the teachers began distributing detentions, saving me from being the center of attention as the numb settled back in. Camilla was given by far the most, but the others had still engaged in the duel, even if it had been for my safety. They all received two detentions (Ashley had three because of the hair incident, much to the surprise of all the professors), and the numb was back.

Remus gave me a curious look as we exited the hospital wing, my hair back and the rest of me properly salved. He didn't speak to me, though, as we made our way to the kitchens to make up for the dinner I had missed and the others had cut short, and this pleased the numb. Now if I could just sort out my sock issues, everything would be grand.

**A/N: This is probably my record fastest chapter for this story. It was mapped in general, but my specific plan developed as I wrote it. I'm surprised it didn't take a different course, but I'm glad it stuck with what I told Evan I was going to do! I'm glad you guys are starting to appreciate Ali more. I promise, she's not a dull character, but she needs more time to develop. Not all people are interesting by nature. Some have to become that way, through the circumstances in their lives. Honestly, if Harry Potter had never gotten that random Hogwarts letter, he would have been the most boring kid ever. It was all circumstances. Off the soapbox, now. Hope you guys enjoy this!**

**As for the socks, it's not meant to be understood. I don't get it either, but I wrote it and I liked it and I'm stickin' to it! Hope you guys appreciate it too.**

**-J**


	12. Cue Angst Now

I wanted Sirius and I wanted Riley. Life would have just have been grand if we could just all have an orgy and so I wouldn't have to make a decision.

They were so different in a way. Riley was sweet under the surface with Sirius it was just arrogance under his arrogance but I was still attracted. He made me feel things that Riley didn't. Riley didn't make me feel angry or happy or even jealous. I saw him being chatted up during lunch one day and I couldn't even make myself care. With Sirius though... With Sirius a green-eyed monster came flying out when he even seemed remotely attracted to the Puff and I even knew that he didn't like her! Well he didn't like her in a way that should make me jealous anyways. With Riley I felt... Content. Not even in a warm and fuzzy way, just in a "Life-doesn't-suck-too-bad-so-it's-bearable" kind of a way. Maybe content wasn't the right word. He made me feel... Like I could survive being with him but all it'd be was survival. He was safe.

I wanted to feel more for him. I wanted at least a little more than lust and safety. I wanted to feel passionate about him. He was good to me and he obviously cared about me. I wanted to feel something for him more than convenient lust but I couldn't. I just couldn't seem to make myself care.

I hated even having to admit to myself that I was using Riley to try to curb my sexual appetite. I felt so ashamed that I was using him for sex. He deserved more. I should have done the right thing and let him go. The thing was I couldn't let him go. It was like if I gave him up then I was going to give into my attraction to Sirius and jump him before the right time. As much as I was anti-Hufflepuff, Marren had managed to slowly work her way under my skin in the way that I couldn't bring myself to hurt her. Hell, I'd attacked one of the Sirius Black Fan Club members for her. That wasn't something I did for just anybody. Whether I liked it or not she'd accidentally managed to make me care. Of course, I wasn't going to tell her that because that just wasn't who I was. Knowing her she probably would have read more into it then there was.

How did I deal with this inner conflict of Riley vs. Sirius? I hid mostly. I hid in broom cupboards, behind tapestries, in unused classroom, etc. to keep myself from running into them. It was relatively hard to never see them, especially since we often had class together. I usually just didn't bother going to class or when I did I spent it in the back corner with Robin, trying not to draw their attention. When we were dismissed from our lessons I'd try to calmly exit the room in the most high speed manner possible without looking conspicuous.

Robin was generally pretty good about just going with it and taking my lead without asking questions but every once in a while she would demand an explanation about why I was behaving so erratically. Usually I just shrug it off or tried to draw her attention to something else so we could finally get off that subject. One time, however, she wasn't falling for any of my usual smoke and mirrors. She was demanding answers and she wouldn't budge on the subject.

"You're going to tell me what's going on with you," she informed me after I ran away from Riley one afternoon, dragging her along with me. "You've been acting really weirdly these past few days and I want to know why."

I gave her a small, pathetic shrug, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

She gave me a dubious look, "Yesterday at breakfast you nearly hid under the table because Sirius Black tried to talk to you and today you were just running away from Riley. That's not normal behavior, even for you."

I shrugged again, "I - erm - I heard that Sirius has a rather nasty sickness and I'd rather not catch it."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Nice try, Cherry, but that's the worst excuse I've ever heard you make up."

I sighed, giving up my valiant attempt to keep her in the dark on this, "Alright fine. I'm having a bit of a dilemma over Riley and Sirius."

"What kind of dilemma?" she questioned with an intrigued look. Apparently she hadn't expected me to cave so easily. To my defense I generally wouldn't have but with having to run away from Sirius and Riley I didn't have the energy to keep lying to her too.

"I think I fancy Sirius," I admitted. "But I think Riley thinks we're kind of involved."

"Well you have been shagging him for almost two weeks," she pointed out bluntly.

"Yeah I know but I think he thinks it's more than what it really is, you know? And he's a great guy and I should want him. I mean, he's fit and he treats me well and all but - But I just can't get Sirius out of my head. It's I don't want to want him but I can't help it, you know? Riley's sweet and funny and fit and pretty amazing in bed and Sirius is arrogant and immature and haughty and he practically has a smirk permanently pasted on his face. I know that it seems like it should be an easy decision and I should just pick Riley but I don't want him the same way I want Sirius. Riley doesn't make me - He doesn't make me feel the same way that Sirius does, you know? I just can't make myself settle on him. I can't choose him and he's logically the better choice. Sirius... Well he's more dangerous. He's cheating on his current girlfriend and he can be a foul git but that isn't making me want him less. I can't bring myself to settle on Riley and I can't bring myself to take the chance on Sirius, especially since -" I sighed again. "Robin, I made a promise to Sirius' current girlfriend, Ali Marren from Hufflepuff, that I'd test his faithfulness. I'm supposed to sleep with him to prove to her that he's shagging around. Once I fulfill that promise he's not going to want anything to do with me. And so I have no good options so instead of trying to pick between the lesser of the two evils I'm not choosing but that means I'm stuck dodging them until they move onto their next targets."

Robin blinked rapidly for a moment, trying to process all the information I'd just thrown at her, "You've really fucked up this time, Cherry."

I let out a chuckle. She was absolutely right, "The thing is that if I never made that promise to Marren I'd never have realized that I wanted him. I could have just gone on with my life without knowing what I was missing."

She exhaled deeply, shaking her head at me, "Jump him, pet. You're going to lose him eventually so just take advantage of all the time you have left with him. Just go up to him, knock him over the head with a Beater's Bat, drag him back to your dormitory and shag him like the world is ending. You might not get to have him for the long run but at least a little time is better than no time at all, right?"

I deliberated over whether she was right or not. I was going to lose him. I couldn't exactly go up to Marren and say "Hey Puff, I've suddenly realized that I fancy your boyfriend so I'm going to have to cancel this whole 'let's-see-if-he's-a-cheating-bastard-or-not' operation and call it good." Like I said before I'd began to become a bit attached to the Puffer. She was like some sort of benign tumor that managed to attach itself onto me silently overnight without me noticing. One day nothing and the next day she's stuck on me. "You're right," I nodded slowly. "I'm going to lose him anyways so I might as well make the best of the time I have left. Thanks Robin."

She grinned, "It's what I'm here for, pet. Just make sure to protect yourself in the situation. Not just with a Contraceptive Charm but protect your heart too. Black doesn't deserve to get to hurt both Marren and you."

I nodded with a small smile, "I promise I will." I might have promised to her that I would but some promises are harder to keep than others.

**A/N: Woot, that chapter was mildly exhilarating to write. Don't ask me why because I have no idea why. It just was. I hope you like it and that you're as excited as I am for the next few chapters to come!**

**Evan**


	13. Golden

**A/N: Hello, lovely readers! I'm typing up this chapter from 30,000 ft. in the air, or something around that. I'm currently on my flight home and I've been writing this chapter since I got to the airport this morning! Three hours, but I think you're going to like it, and really, what else would I have done with those three hours? This chapter is dedicated for anyone still working on finals. Being a college student really does suck sometimes. I sympathize.**

** -J**

"_The earth spins and the moon goes round, the green comes from the frozen ground, and everything will be made new again like freedom in the spring."_

_-Switchfoot, Golden_

It must have been a Monday. Only Mondays could be so incredibly painful, and so unapologetic for being thus. Was it a Monday? I'm actually not sure, but it would be a safe bet.

The fact was that the numb had consumed my sense of time and its passing, swallowed my ability to tell what day of the week I was in. But even through the numb, I was able to recognize what an irksome and painful day it was.

It all started with Remus. Yes, I know, that seems odd. It _was_ odd. It was completely inexplicable. After all, once I asked him to mind his own business, he did so, easy as you please. But it didn't improve anything, not even the socks. When it came down to it, I was taking out my issues on Remus when none of them really had anything to do with him. But that wasn't even the worst of it.

Remus Lupin, boy who was practically a hermit (he just needed a shell… or is that just for the crab variety?), asked a girl on a date. And not just any girl, but my darling roommate, Grace Anderson. And not just any date, but a double date with me, Sirius, and Peter and James. Or is that a triple date? And not just one date, because they started "going out" that afternoon.

How did that all happen? Good question. How did it all go down? Even better question.

As far as how Remus and Grace started to gravitate, Merlin only knows. My best theory is that in one of their chats in Ancient Runes they accidentally incorrectly translated some ancient tome and their mistake turned them into a sappy, mushy, mindless couple. Except that Grace was really the only one behaving at all sappy, mushy, or mindless. Maybe Remus translated it correctly, and was merely dating her out of pity. Example:

The Marauders, Grace, and I were walking down the path to Hogsmeade (I suppose that means it wasn't a Monday after all, but it _felt_ like one), my hand in Sirius's, Grace clinging to Remus's arm, and Peter and James walking in step with each other, though without any sort of visible affectionate contact.

"Where first?" Sirius asked.

"Zonko's!" James and Peter cried. Grace sniffed.

"Well, there's this lovely teashop," she said brightly, making pleading, googly eyes at Remus, who's whole face twitched nervously. I blinked at that, making sure I was looking at Remus, not Peter. It really was Remus.

"No," James snapped. "We're absolutely _not_ going to Madam Puddlefoot's–"

"Pudifoot."

"Whatever. It's not going to happen. I don't do cherubs."

"Well, you've obviously never been in love," Grace tittered and everyone present held their breath, waiting for an eruption.

After all, that was the gravest insult anyone could use against James, even worse than downplaying his Quidditch skills. He was, of course, madly in love with Lily Evans, and anyone who suggested otherwise was simply begging to be hexed.

And James didn't hex Grace, which would have been entertaining, but he was clearly stabbing her viciously with his angry eyes.

"Ali, do you want to go to Madam Pudifoot's?" Sirius demanded, attempting to put the matter to rest.

"No," I replied. I was with James on the cherubs. I liked lovey-dovey as much as the next girl, but there was just something unnatural and freakish about cherubs.

"You want to go to Zonko's, don't you?" James pressed proudly.

"No."

Being dragged by my arm around a shop I had no interest in sounded like almost a worse way to spend my morning than being attacked by freakish cherubs.

Remus cleared his throat.

"How about a compromise? We got to the Three Broomsticks for a drink, then I take the girls to Honeydukes while you three go to Zonko's."

Always the logical one, that Remus.

It certainly was a different sort of date, with another girl along. Typically, I felt like a fifth wheel to the Marauders. Now, I felt like a sixth wheel to the Peter-Sirius-and-James-shooting-dirty-looks-at-Grace-and-Remus Show. I had no idea people could blink as many times a minute as Grace was doing, but it didn't look healthy or comfortable.

I had never had a problem with Grace as a roommate. She was a nice girl, didn't snore, kept her part of the dormitory clean. I had no complaints. And honestly, this was the first Hogsmeade visit since I had started seeing Sirius where what I wanted was taken into account.

And yet inexplicably, something about Grace's presence irked me through the numb. Maybe it was the way Remus treated her, the way Sirius had once treated me, in the beginning, before any of this suspicion of infidelity. Maybe I was jealous of how carefree and happy she was. Yes, that was probably it, but it was difficult to differentiate emotions through the numb.

Speaking of the numb, I was almost out of potion. That night I managed to catch Peter alone in the boys' dormitory.

"I need more, Peter," I said urgently. The last bit was already beginning to wear off. It had only been a couple of mouthfuls.

He frowned at me.

"You shouldn't," he squeaked, counting it out. "You should only be half through the vials I gave you. How much are you taking, and how often?"

I blinked.

Peter was going to play Healer on me?

"I'm taking as much as I need," I snapped. "And as you can probably tell, I need more."

"Need more what?"

Sirius and Remus had just entered, Sirius looking genuinely confused and curious, Remus's eyes full of knowing disappointment.

"Chocolate," I lied hastily. "I'm out."

Sirius frowned and said, "But you just went to Honeydukes. You got enough chocolate to tide over even the likes of Moony for months. There's no physical way you could have eaten that much."

"Well, I did," I snapped. "Any more criticisms of my eating habits while you're at it, Sirius?"

"Woah, claws in, love," he said quickly, eyes wide with shock. "What's with you lately?"

"Peter?" Remus said softly. "Is there something you should be saying right about now?"

"Is there?" Peter squeaked nervously.

"No," I growled, glaring at him maliciously.

So much for Remus minding his own business.

"Wormtail," Sirius said in a low, dangerous voice that made my blood shiver. He sure caught on fast. "Don't forget the Code. Are you keeping something from us?"

The pressure of three people expecting things of him was obviously just too much for poor Peter and he made a sound like a scared rodent before saying, "She had me steal her stuff from the hospital wing and now she's asking for more when she shouldn't need more yet!"

"Traitor," I hissed, kicking James's bedpost and, naturally, stubbing my toe.

"What was it?" Sirius demanded urgently. "What have you been taking?"

I glared at him, not answering, but I didn't have to. Remus sighed, "Calming Draught. I had suspected, but I didn't want to intervene before I knew for sure. I didn't want to pressure."

At the unveiling of my secret, something in me snapped and I sank to the floor, sobbing. They were looking at me, judging me, especially Remus, who knew all of my secrets, even that Cherry and I were plotting something. The thought of what he must have thought of me once his suspicions were confirmed made me feel awful, sick, and even more anxious than I could ever remember feeling. He, they all, would hate me now, would be repulsed by me. I couldn't handle the thought. I just needed another vial, just one more vial, to ride out this tense period of unveiling. I needed the numb.

Sirius was sitting beside me, cradling me in his arms, cooing calming things in my ear and smoothing my hair.

"Remus, go get the girls. We're going to fix this and fix it now, before it gets any worse."

My perception of time and its passing was still a bit off, but I would guess that Sirius gently rocked me for about ten minutes with Peter just sitting there awkwardly. Then Remus returned, Marlene and Lily in tow. They looked a little bewildered, and especially so when the saw me sobbing my spleen out in Sirius's arms.

"What happened?" Marlene breathed, nervous.

"It seems Ali has developed a dependence on Calming Draught," Sirius murmured, still rocking me in his arms.

"But how?" Lily asked frowning. "Madam Pomfrey keeps close count of how often a person gets those, especially students in their exam years."

"_Someone_," Remus said softly, casting a disappointed glance in Peter's direction, "nicked her a stash. She's out now, and we need to make sure she's got plenty of distractions from the stressors in her life."

"Of course," Lily said quickly, and I just sat there in Sirius's arms, walking back and forth, face buried in his chest, breathing in his delicious scent as my zealous friends made a plan to keep me from drugging myself back to numb. I wasn't sure what I was going to do without it, but I would have to figure it out. They effectively told me as much and then sent me on my way.

"Merlin, Remus," Sirius muttered when I left the dormitory and he thought I couldn't hear, "I knew she was fragile, but I had no idea it was this bad."

Fragile. That's me in one.

Grace and Ashley agreed to participate in my makeshift rehabilitation, and the first step in the process of rehabilitating someone who self-medicated themselves into a Calming Draught dependency was to have a girls' night in the Hufflepuff seventh year girls' dormitory with all of her roommates and her two best friends.

At least, that's what Grace and Lily dreamed up. Lily, Marlene, Grace, Ashley, Ella, Emily, and I were sitting on the floor of the dormitory, pointing each other's toenails it was a nice thought, and they were all doing their best not to say anything to upset me, as I would shriek at just about anyone or anything, and I even burst out with random, unprovoked screams of frustration a couple of times, which had scared several third year boys and even reduced a first year girl to tears of fright.

"So," Emily said conversationally, "have you and Remus shagged yet, Gracie?"

Grace turned bright red and shook her head fervently.

"No, we haven't even had a proper snog. Sometimes I wonder if he even really wants to be with me, but he's so sweet and considerate; he wouldn't date me if he didn't want to."

For some inexplicable reason, I felt that all-too-familiar agitation pooling in my chest once again. Why were they talking about shagging? They'd barely been together for any time at all, and Remus wasn't that sort of a guy.

Then again, I hadn't thought that Grace was that sort of girl, but there were surprises every day.

"If you ask me," Emily said complacently, regarding her nails with vague interest, "he's a pouf and is keeping it quiet with the occasional 'crush'. I suspect he's got a thing for Sirius, and who could blame him?"

"Well, it's a good thing nobody asked you, then, isn't it?" I hissed, my temper on a shorter and shorter fuse.

"I'm sure he's into girls," Ashley said firmly, "but the one he wants is off limits."

Marlene frowned.

"Are you talking about how James has 'claimed' Lily? The Marauders are a bit weird about those sorts of things."

"Remus _doesn't_ want me," Lily insisted. "Trust me, having spent plenty of time alone together, he's never even hinted at any interest."

"Who were you referring to, Ashley?" Ella asked quietly, taking a drink of butterbeer.

But Ashley refused to say a word, and we were left contemplate the possibilities on our own, which I actively did not do. The contemplation of Remus's secret desires agitated me and that agitation was a dangerous, slippery slope.

When our toes were dry, it was time for bed and Lily and Marlene made their way back to Gryffindor Tower. Grace and I went to bed, but the others girls went to the common room so as not disturb us. After about an hour, I woke up with the nagging realization that I had left my Charms notes in the common room. Heaving a great sigh, I climbed out of bed, threw on my dressing gown, and made my way toward the common room, but stopped just short when I heard raised voices.

"Take it back, Emily!" Ashley snarled. "You're not going to want fight me on this."

"I'm not fighting anyone," Emily replied coolly. "I merely don't understand why we're bothering to pussyfoot around a girl who so clearly has it coming."

I glanced around the wall and realized that the common room hadn't emptied the whole of Hufflepuff was merely watching the conflict between my dorm mates.

"Please, Emily, dear," Ashley said in a dangerously low voice that any of us Hufflepuffs recognized as a warning to back off, "explain to me how any of this is her fault."

"You were there!" Emily shrieked, not getting the message, or maybe ignoring it." You saw what happened to Camilla West!"

"Yeah, I was there," Ashley conceded. "I saw how some unknown person gave Camilla West what she deserved for immobilizing Ali and picking on her when Ali was outnumbered by about twenty to one. None of this is her fault. If you want to blame anyone, blame Black."

"Oh, yes," Emily retorted dryly. "Of course let's blame the poor boy who has to put up with her mood swings and–"

Her eyes were wide as Ashley's wand whipped out.

"You know perfectly well that he drove her to his by either cheating on her or not doing enough to dispel the rumors, to reign in his rabid fans. And I swear to Merlin, if I ever find out proof that he cheated, I'll have his head on a platter. I would expect everyone else in this room to be out for blood as well."

Emily's wand was out and her lips were forming an incantation, but Ashley disarmed her with swift motion, wordlessly, making it look like child's play. I had long envied Ashley her incredible proficiency with wordless spellcasting. It gave her quite an advantage in duels.

"If I were you, Emily," a sixth year boy said, "I'd be going to bed right about now."

I held my breath. Was that vote of support for me, or merely good advice? Either way, Emily stalked off and Ella followed after her, looking sheepishly over her shoulder at Ashley, who was still standing with wand outstretched and eyes full of rage.

I decided I could retrieve my Charms notes in the morning. It's not like I would be missing any study hours, and it was probably better for everyone if no one knew I had witnessed that exchange.

And they say Hufflepuffs are boring.

Ha.


	14. Lost Nerve

Today was the day. I was finally going to jump Sirius and be done with all this moping and inner turmoil. I was just going to say "To hell with it" and just take him to bed where he belonged.

Well originally that was my intention. I really did intend to shag his brains out that day. It's just that my plans didn't go as well as, well, planned. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know that all of a sudden Sirius was going to start playing the protective, perfect boyfriend card?

I tried to start this whole thing innocently enough. I just sauntered up to him and informed him that we needed to work on our Muggle Studies project. He told me that he really couldn't be away from Ali for that long. What the fuck? Since when did he give two shits about how long he was away from his girlfriend? I mean, he was cheating on her with multiple women for Merlin's sake! And all of a sudden he just can't part with her for an hour or two? What the bloody hell?

Maybe it had nothing to do with Marren. Maybe he just didn't want to spend time with me. Maybe he just didn't know how to say it without hurting my feelings. Maybe it as all just a ploy to keep himself away with me. OR maybe I was just reading way the hell too much into this.

Over the next few days I was beginning to know why he wasn't up to leaving her alone. She wasn't herself. It was different than before. I mean, she wasn't any more like herself but it was a different kind of not herself. Instead of being numb she was just angry all the time. It was becoming a common sight for her to start screaming over nothing, throwing snippy remarks at everyone for the smallest of things. I don't know what had gotten her knickers in a bunch but she was making the normal PMS bitchiness look like a bloody cakewalk.

I understood that Sirius felt responsible for spending time with her to make sure that her rage wasn't unleashed on innocent, unsuspecting bystanders but I needed his time. It wasn't just to further my agreement with Marren, I also needed his help with the damn Muggle Studies project. During my little episode of inner battling over Riley vs. Sirius I'd been avoiding him, which resulted in a lack of progress in the academic department.

Eventually I had no choice but to confront him about it. I decided to do it before breakfast, hoping that maybe I could catch him before he was fully awake so he'd more likely to do whatever it took to get rid of whatever came between him and food. It was hard to catch him when he wasn't with Marren or at least the other Marauders. When I saw him alone I began to notice how worn out he looked. He looked like he'd been training for a marathon 24/7. He looked absolutely exhausted.

"You alright?" I questioned as I caught him leaving for breakfast early. "You don't look so good, mate."

He gave me a small, tired smile, "Just a little tired." It actually reminded me a bit of the smiles Lupin gave out whenever somebody asked how he felt after one of his numerous ill trips to the Hospital Wing. It made him look so… old. He looked like he was about to start spreading white hairs and start walking with a cane or something. He didn't quite have the wrinkles yet but he just look worn out like he was spread out too thin.

"I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but we still have half of our Muggle Studies' project still to do," I told him, feeling mildly bad about giving him something else to worry about when he was obviously in over his head. "We really need to work on it."

He sighed and nodded, "I know. I'm sorry that I haven't been around much to work on it with you. I – erm I might be able to get away for an hour or two after dinner tonight to work on it. I'll let you know?"

I knew I was being dismissed from the conversation. I couldn't really blame the bloke. He was hardly standing as is. "Yeah, just let me know."

He gave me another one of his Lupin-esque smiles, "Thanks Cherry."

I spent the rest of lessons that day contemplating why he looked so tired. Was he staying up all night partying? Did Marren start putting out and they stayed up all night shagging all the time? No, if they had then she probably wouldn't have been so angry all the time. Maybe he found a new mistress who had a strenuous daily sexual regiment. Was mistress even the right word? It made it sound like he was cheating on his wife. He and the Puff weren't married. Hell, they were hardly in a functioning relationship. When I slept with him eventually would I be considered a mistress too? Well, maybe that really wasn't the right word. That definitely wouldn't be the word they'd be using when everyone found out about Sirius and I. I'd be the "other woman" or the "slag who couldn't keep her legs closed" if it were one of her fellow Puffs talking. Anyways compared to what they were going to call me the term "mistress" would seem mild.

Whatever seemed to drain Sirius of all his energy appeared to have struck the Puff's mates. They all looked like they haven't gotten a proper night's sleep in weeks. Bags under their eyes and glazed over looks were pretty standard between the lot of them. It must have been Marren who was responsible for this change in appearance. Even Evans, who was debatably (and sadly) one of the most attractive girls in the school, didn't have her usual shine. I couldn't quite put my finger on what exactly had changed the group dynamic so dramatically but I knew the change was there.

Sirius and I managed to escape away to the inner alcove of the library, pouring over a few textbooks that could possibly have information about Muggle motorbikes. Well, I was reading and Sirius was staring at the cover of a book with his eyes glazed over. "Earth to Sirius," I waved my hand in his face, causing him to jerk back in reality. I decided to test his attention skills, "So you excited for the Qudditch match against Slytherin this weekend?"

He didn't even nod or shake his head let alone verbally acknowledge that I'd spoken to him.

"What's going on with you? You're spacier than usual."

He shook his head, as if he could try to shake off whatever had a hold on him, "It's just Ali. You know what? Never mind. I'm sure you don't want to hear about it."

Oh he couldn't have been more wrong. I very, very much wanted to hear about it. "Come on, pet, I know you want to rant your spleen out. Trust me, I won't judge. Just let it out."

He buried his head in his hands, something I took as a good sign, "Ali's… Well she's recovering from a bit of a dependency on Calming Draughts."

"Oh." Yep, that definitely made sense. Calming Draughts were highly addictive and withdrawal would account for why she seemed so angry all the time and it also made sense why before she'd seemed so numb.

"And I feel so bloody guilty for not realizing sooner! Even bloody Remus had an idea before I could even put two and two together and she's my own girlfriend! I had no idea how fragile she is! What if this is all my fault? What if the reason she started taking those damn potions in the first place was because of me? Now I've got an addict girlfriend and I don't know what to say or do to make her feel better and everything I try just makes matters worse!" he ranted. "I'm officially the world's worst boyfriend."

Well, considering the fact that he was cheating on her with multiple women I couldn't necessarily in good conscience tell him that he wasn't in fact the world's worst boyfriend. I thought about telling him that at least he didn't beat her but that just seemed like a stupid and awkward thing to say. "First of all, it's not your fault. Ali Marren is just an anxious person. She suffered from anxiety before you two started dating and she could have started taking Calming Draughts even if you two had never started dating. Secondly addiction is a hard topic. I've – Well, I've known quite a few addicts in my day and there's never the right thing to do or say. You just have to be as supportive as you possibly can. Also, Remus Lupin is just an observant person. It's part of his personality so don't feel the need to compare yourself to him, alright? Now, if you want I can try to give you some suggestions about what I've known to help some people to recover from their addictions. I've never quite met a Calming Draught addict but I'm not surprised. There's a reason Pomfrey keeps that stuff under lock and key."

"You'll help me?" He looked at me with these adorable hopeful gray eyes that I had no chance of saying no to.

I nodded slowly. Well, it looked like our Muggle Studies project wasn't exactly going to get any attention right then. "How big of a dosage is she taking right now?"

"Well she's recovering so she's off it," he pointed out as if it were off it.

"You're making her quit cold turkey?" I questioned, shaking my head at his ignorance. "Worst idea ever. She's dependent on it. You have to wean her off it. If you try to take her off it all at once she's more likely to relapse. I suggest starting to cut down on her usage until finally she doesn't need it anymore."

"Wow, how do you know this stuff?" he inquired, apparently amazed by my knowledge on addiction recovery.

"My older brother was addicted to cocaine," I answered, somewhat stiffly. "He went through two stints of rehab before he finally overdosed and nearly died. There's something about a near death experience that suddenly makes you put everything in prospective. Anyways, he's two years clean now but it was rough there for a while."

"I didn't even know you have a brother," he commented, obviously not really knowing how else to respond to my little session of opening up. "Actually I've never really heard you talk about your home life."

I shrugged, trying to distract myself by unfolding one of the textbook pages' corners, "There's not much to tell. Once you hear about one pureblood family you've heard about them all. Typical bullocks."

"I'd still like to hear about it," he told me in a softer tone. I'd once heard him use that sort of tone on Ali when she having one of her anxiety fits. It was the kind of voice you use on someone fragile. I'd never been treated like I was fragile. I'd always been more addressed as someone sturdy, rock-like. I suppose they don't assume that many girls with cherry red colored hair who had a tendency to have the look on their face like they could beat the shit out of a trucker would ever be delicate.

"My parents are second cousins, apparently my family thought that inbreeding would help keep their blood pure or something. Their parents were also second cousins, just like their parents were before them. I guess the problems first started when I was five and stopped believing the whole bullocks about purebloods being better than Muggles or Muggleborns. Sometimes I'd pretend to agree with them just to keep the peace but when I was eleven and broke the family tradition by being sorted into Gryffindor it was the straw that broke the camel's back. My family casted me out. I – erm – I spent some time on the streets after First Year, staying place to place. Eventually the innkeeper at the Leaky Cauldron took pity on me, offered me a job as a cleaning witch in exchange for room and board during the summer holidays.

"My brother, Wen, sought me out a year later after he graduated from Hogwarts. He was a Slytherin too, though not quite the die-hard that his classmates were. He offered me a room in his flat but I wouldn't take it. I didn't forgive him for letting my family cast me out when I was a First Year. When I was a Third Year when I started to get a reputation. I didn't have Wen there to keep the fear of Merlin in me and I had years of rebellion built up. Hell, I can remember the day I dyed my hair red. I thought Evans was going to start convulsing when she saw it. Anyways it was shortly after that I started getting called Cherry. I was thankful for it. I always hated the name Clara. Wen used to tease me about it all the time. Apparently it was the name of the main character in a Muggle ballet. Anyways, I haven't heard anything from my parents since a drunken letter my dear mother sent me in Fourth Year about how much of a disgrace I was because I wouldn't even consider marrying my second cousin. Like I said, pretty typical. I'm sure your fall from grace in the pureblood society was much more interesting than mine."

The funny thing was that through my entire story he actually appeared to be paying close attention, like he was actually interested in what I had to say. He shook his head, "Mine's different but certainly not more interesting. My parents are second cousins too, both Blacks, so they were both incredibly disappointed when I didn't live up to the family name. They didn't cast me out though. I ran away when I was sixteen. I ran to the Potter's actually. I was always welcome there. Mr. and Mrs. Potter took me in without a second thought, which I was thankful for. I stayed with them during the holidays until recently my favorite uncle, who also would have been considered a disgrace to the Black name, died. He left me a bit of gold and I moved into a flat. Pro – James still jokes that it was my Black pride that made me leave the Potter's. Maybe he's right. I just couldn't bear the thought of living off someone's charity. I suppose the only thing that's more interesting about my story than yours is the fact that my leaving my parents' house was a bit more violent." He rolled up his left shirt sleeve, revealing four crescent-shaped scars the size of fingernails on his forearm. "My mother was a bit… Vicious towards the end."

I thoughtlessly traced a finger along the scars, "Some people just shouldn't be allowed to reproduce," I managed to tell him, his skin feeling warm under my touch.

He grabbed my hand, "Your fingers are freezing."

I could practically feel myself blush, "Oh I'm –" I didn't manage to get out my apology. The kiss caught me off-guard. It was so gentle, so almost anxious but yet so self-assured at the same time. I'd heard rumors that he was an incredible kisser but he made all the other blokes I'd kissed seem like I'd just been kissing walls. Maybe it was all his experience but he was impeccable.

I suppose that's what made it so hard to pull away. What the hell was I doing though? I knew that I'd agreed to seduce him for Marren and all but not while she was getting over an addiction. She was too fragile to deal with the awful truth that she was dating a cheater. He seemed almost as surprised as I would that I pulled away. I managed to barely get out an "I've got to go" before tearing out of the library like a mad woman. Damn… That really should not have been as enjoyable as it was. I mean, I was the other woman. Shouldn't I have been brassed off about him using me or something? Nope. Maybe it was the lack of oxygen going to my brain or something but damn, I really needed to get my priorities straight.


	15. Let the Flames Begin

**A/N: Hey everybody! This is my late Christmas present to Evan, as well as all of you. :/ Sorry it's late. Christmas interrupted my sleep cycle which screwed up all of my plans. Bad excuse, I know. Anyway, it's here now! I've done some things a little differently, but all in all, I hope you guys like it.**

**-J**

"_What a shame we all became such fragile broken things. A memory remains, just a tiny spark. I give it all my oxygen so let the flames begin… I can't let myself regret such selfishness."_

_-Paramore, Let the Flames Begin_

Because I was weak, the lives of all the people I cared about were completely upside down. Because I was weak, they were forced to babysit me, protect me, restrain me if necessary. It wasn't fair, and I never would have asked them to do it, but there they were, taking it all in turns, and Sirius most of all.

I suspect he felt a little guilty, a bit responsible, but in a way, he was. The best part of my needing to be coddled was that Sirius, whatever he had been doing before, had no time to be unfaithful. Instead, he was treating me like someone who belonged in a permanent residency at St. Mungo's for mental disorder.

At least I had his attention.

They all dealt with me in different ways, particularly in the library, because it was, after all, N.E.W.T. year, despite my mental weakness. This is how things had gone with a handful of my babysitters:

Marlene: "And those shoes. Oh, Ali, you should have seen those shoes. She was really asking for it."

Me: "But honestly, Avery Riggs is fifteen. I don't get why you insist on seeing her as a threat."

Marlene: "Because she is taunting me! Every time Brandon McPherson is around, she gets that knowing _smirk_–"

Me: "She's a Ravenclaw. She was born with a knowing smirk."

Marlene: "True."

Me: "Besides, you don't want to marry McPherson, anyway. You wouldn't get to change your initials."

Marlene: "But 'Marlene McPherson' sounds so good!"

Me: "Because it sounds almost exactly like 'Marlene McKinnon'!"

Marlene: "True."

Later…

James: "… so I think I've made a lot of progress, all things considered."

Me: "Does Lily know this?"

James: "What?"

Me: "That you've made progress."

James: "Obviously. Jeez, Marren, keep up."

Me: "Whatever. Explain human transfiguration again. I'm three inches short."

James: "Why don't you ask Sirius?"

Me: "Does it look like Sirius is sitting here? No, you are, so if you're not going to help, James, do you think you could shut your fat mouth so I can actually read the book?"

James: "Fine… You know, I'm only here for Lily-bean."

Me: "I'm well aware. I hadn't thought that had changed since you last pointed it out, which was about fifteen minutes ago."

James: "Right, well… Oh, fine, hand me the damn essay, Marren. I've got things I'd rather be doing."

Me: "Oh, I never would have guessed."

James: "Watch the tongue, Marren. For your information, I've got a lovely sort of surprise planned. I expect you'll be hearing about how wonderful it is later."

Me: "I'm sure."

Later…

Lily: "It was absolutely wonderful."

Me: "You don't say."

Lily: "I mean, the level of Charmwork required for that sort of thing… I mean, we knew Potter was bright–"

Me: "He wouldn't let us not."

Lily: "But I'd never realized… I mean, he's just… I mean…"

Me: "You're redder than a tomato, Lily. I know you're nuts for the boy. You don't have to be so ashamed about it. He was bound to break through your stubborn shell sooner or later."

Lily: "I said I'd be his girl. I must be crazy."

Me: "You're not crazy. You're smitten. Even the best of us do some pretty stupid shit when smitten, and I doubt anything that goes on between you and James could top some of the things I've done lately."

What really took the cake, though, was the night Sirius _had_ to work on homework and designated Remus as babysitter. There were a lot of long, awkward silences at first.

"Grace seemed sad today," I pointed out.

"I suppose," Remus conceded. His eyes, his sad eyes, looked at me over an Herbology text and my heart clenched guiltily. "Why did you do it?" he whispered. "Why did you even start?"

Why indeed? It had seemed like such a sensible thing to do at the time, to calm myself so that I didn't do anything stupid. As it were, the Calming Draughts _were_ something stupid.

I had avoided thinking about it. I had avoided considering my actions at all. My friends had facilitated this behavior, regaling me with _their_ lives and drama, not bringing up the elephant in the room. Remus didn't seem to be okay with continuing that pattern.

Then again, I had the distinct and inexplicable notion that we had two elephants in the room, and he was simply pointing out the more obvious, the less complex of the two.

"I never meant for any of this," I whispered. "It was just so hard, so much stress all of the time. My anxiety, it was bordering paranoia. I just thought if I could calm myself, take it for a while until my life found rhythm again, everything would be fine."

Remus sighed.

"You should have talked to someone, to Sirius or Lily or Marlene or… or me."

I shook my head and said, "I didn't want to. I still don't. It's my life and I don't' need or want anyone poking around in my business. But… but things got even more out of hand only… only I didn't realize."

He set down the book, nodded slowly and whispered, "Tell me."

I didn't want to tell him. It was my life. I needed my own life, my own secrets. But at the same time, when he grasped my hand, I was dying to tell him absolutely everything. I hadn't realized until then how badly I needed to talk about things.

"Mostly, I was numb," I croaked, "and it was one of the most beautiful feelings I'd ever had in my life. It was able to say things I had always been too timid to say. My fears and anxiety, they just vanished. The numb was good, so good, Remus." I sighed deeply. "Sometimes, though, feelings would be strong enough to break through the numb. I didn't like that. Disturbing the numb was bad."

"What sort of feelings?" he pressed.

I frowned, thinking back.

"Like… like… like socks." I gasped dramatically. "The socks, they were your fault! It was all your fault, Remus!"

He raised an eyebrow questioningly and said, "The… I'm sorry, the _socks_?"

"You should be sorry," I hissed. "I mean, you did start leaving me alone after a while, but the socks didn't go away! They… th…"

I began to sob. Why? I'm not really sure, but I suddenly felt so incredibly overwhelmed…

It took me a moment to realize that Remus had moved. He was holding me, cradling me gently in his arms, his warm, familiar scent washing over me. I felt foolish, in that moment, blaming him for anything. Remus Lupin was the last person on the planet who would ever do a thing to harm me. He had helped me, protected me when everyone else who could have chose instead to turn their backs.

The running from my pain, the hiding from my fears, none of it made anything better. The pushing Remus away, the attempts to take care of myself… They had made everything so much worse. There had to be some way… some way to fix things, make it all right again.

"I'm so sorry," I choked out. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"No," he breathed into my ear as he smoothed my hair. "It's not your fault, Ali. We failed you… all of us. But we're going to make it all better now, okay? We're all going to work together and you're going to be okay again. You'll see."

His breath smelled like chocolate. His breath usually smelt of chocolate, warm and inviting, just like that parchment scent of him that had a calming, almost numbing effect on me. When was the last time I had felt so safe, so peaceful? I couldn't remember. The strangest bit of all was I found myself wondering what his breath tasted like, wondering what his fingers would feel liked tangled up in my hair instead of smoothing it the way they were doing. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way, thinking these things before about someone else, and it both thrilled and terrified me.

"It's nearly curfew," he said softly, and I suppressed a shudder at his voice.

"Lily and I have patrol tonight," I said.

"I'll take it."

"No, you've done so much already."

"Nonsense, Ali," he insisted. "You girls cover when I'm sick or gone all the time. It's time I returned the favor." He squeezed me gently and said, "C'mon. I'll walk you back to your common room."

"No," I said suddenly. I had been avoiding my dormitory since the conflict I'd seen and I wasn't ready to go back yet. "Can you take me to Gryffindor Tower? I'd like to stay with Marlene tonight."

His expression was curious and questioning, but he didn't ask. He simply nodded, gathered up all of our things, and flung both bags over his shoulder, ignoring my protests that I could carry my own bag.

Silly Gryffindor chivalry.

As we walked, something nagged at me. I'm not sure where it came from or why it bothered me so much, but halfway to the tower, I asked, "Do you love Grace?"

He didn't answer for a moment, and I started to think he wouldn't. After all, it was absolutely none of my business what went on between Grace and Remus, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself.

Finally, he said, "I care about her very much. We haven't really been together long enough to say. I think… I think it would be easy to love Grace, but that doesn't mean I will. She…" He sighed. "She expects the moon, and I can't give it to her, for a number of reasons." He gave a bitter sort of laugh that sounded foreign coming from him, but after several moments of nothing but our footsteps he said, "And you? Do you love Sirius?"

I should have expected the question, but somehow it caught me off guard. For a moment, I nearly said yes out of habit, but things had become so complicated in my life.

Firstly, there was Cherry. As much as I didn't want to believe that I was being cheated on, I certainly couldn't prove otherwise, so until Cherry had conclusive answers for me, I couldn't rule out the thought.

Was it possible to love someone I honestly couldn't be sure of?

And then there was our relationship. Sirius was a perfectly nice boy, mostly, and when he kissed me… well, let's just say his incredible reputation did him justice. But he pushed and prodded and it was so hard to know when he was going to be sweet as pie about my refusal and when he would get frustrated and moody.

Should I love someone I couldn't predict, couldn't expect?

"I-I'm not sure," I said finally. "I thought I did, but I… Well, this whole ordeal has sort of put things in perspective, I guess, made me think about my life again. I guess I'll have to reevaluate."

"Venomous Tentacula," Remus said, and the portrait guarding Gryffindor Tower swung open, giving us entrance. "There's Lily," he said vaguely, pointing toward the fireplace. "I'll go get her and start on patrolling. I'll see you tomorrow, Ali. Sweet dreams."

He handed me my bag and I made my way upstairs to the seventh year girls' dormitory, where Marlene was scribbling merrily away on a roll of parchment.

"Hey," I said tentatively. "Mind if I set up here for the night?"

Marlene frowned.

"It's a week night."

"I know."

"We've got class tomorrow."

"Yes, we do."

"Why are you here on a week night?"

I didn't want to tell her the truth of the matter, but the idea of lying to Marlene felt very uncomfortable in that moment.

"I missed you," I said, which wasn't altogether false. "I feel like the only time we get to talk anymore, you're babysitting me. I wanted to have a bit of a girls' night, just you and me… and Lily, when she gets back. Is that all right?"

Marlene beamed and rolled up her parchment.

"Absolutely!" she squealed. "Come on, let's set up a bed for you between Lily and me!"

With a stack full of blankets and a careful bit of transfiguration (a magazine into a mattress), we had a makeshift bed set up and ready for the night.

"Have you pursued Brandon McPherson at all?" I asked, settling into my blankets.

"No," Marlene said honestly. "I've given him up as a bad job. I've got my eye on Benjy Fenwick…"

"His best friend?" I chuckled. "Oh, Marlene, wonders never _cease_!"

"Well, he's far more talented," she reasoned. "He's going to make something out of himself, and I don't want anything less from my man!"

"What do your odds look like?" I asked, casually picking at the shoelace of Lily's trainer.

Marlene babbled on for quite some time about Benjy Fenwick and how promising and clever he was until Lily finally returned from patrol and joined in the conversation.

"Oh, Marlene," Lily sighed, "when was the last time you even had a boyfriend? You're always picking the unattainable."

"Says the girl who's barely ever gone on a date because every eligible male in school lived in fear of her stalker castrating them," Marlene scoffed.

I smiled in spite of myself as Lily blushed. James really had tried just about everything under the sun to win her over, and I suppose it paid off, in the end. And then it occurred to me.

"How do you think you know you're in love?" I asked, more to the ceiling than to either of my companions, but they recognized the open nature of the question.

"I think," Lily said after a moment, "love is feeling safe and wanted and cared for, and at the same time feeling a passionate chemistry. I think you'll just know, maybe not right off, but when the time is right. At least, that's what my mum told me."

"Well," Marlene said dramatically, "I'm not sure I know how to tell when it is, but I'm sure I'll be able to tell when it's not."

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting up a little.

She ticked off on her fingers.

"You don't think he's even a little bit cute, he's not the one. You go on a date and you can't talk about anything but school, he's not the one. He's a Slytherin, he's not the one. His career goals don't lead to a steady, sizable income, or he doesn't have a sizable inheritance, he's not the one. He doesn't tell you you're beautiful at least twice a week, he's not the one. And if you're name doesn't sound good with his surname, he's definitely not the one."

We laughed, but we all recognized the truth in Marlene's words, and had all used one or more of those excuses not to date someone in the past.

Sirius was obviously more than attractive. Dates were a bit lacking in conversation, but I had always blamed the others with us or myself for that. I'd never been very good at conversation, and I never really had been able to calm my nerves enough to properly converse with Sirius. Thankfully, Sirius was the anti-Slytherin, so no worries there. He had inherited a reasonable amount of gold from his uncle, but nowhere near what his original worth would have been. Still, the more I thought about the money the more I realized I had never cared about gold, certainly not like Marlene did. What would I spend it on, anyway? My career would pay plenty for the both of us.

When was the last time Sirius had called me beautiful? I couldn't actually recall, and it certainly wasn't an adjective I was hearing twice a week, if ever.

Alison Black…

Not bad.

Ali Black…

Not nearly as good.

I laid back in my blankets, turning over the whole situation in my mind. I certainly had yet to feel with Sirius any of the things Lily described. Safety, wanted, cared for… perhaps in a way, but never the complete sense of it that I associated with the idea of love. Sirius was perfectly wonderful, and he certainly had a way of making me go weak in the knees, but was that really chemistry? After all, Sirius Black made every girl weak in the knees, even Lily, and some of the blokes.

And wasn't love a two-way street? Did I make him feel any of those things? I certainly had always tried to, always attempted to care for him, to convey that I wanted to be with him. Did he feel anything akin to chemistry with me?

There was a part of Sirius I knew, no matter how hard I tried, that I would never understand. We just didn't sit and talk about our home lives, but I knew as well as anyone else that he had run away from home, which isn't something that happens when you're happy with your situation. I, on the other hand, had perfectly normal, loving parents and a typical home life. The idea of running away seemed absurd to me. I could try to understand all I wanted, but I knew I would never be in a place to truly grasp the situation he had been in. It was even more difficult when I was so tired, and my thoughts so heavy.

Ali Lupin sounded rather nice, was my last thought as I slipped into the world of blissful dreaming.


	16. Secrets in the Dark

I'd been pushing it off long enough but it was finally time for me to make good on my end of Marren and I's bargain. I was finally going to sleep with Sirius Black.

In one way I was terrified at the thought. I mean, what if I tried to get him to shag me and failed? In another way I was hopeful. Maybe a good romp in bed would be just what I needed to get him off of my mind. Maybe afterwards I could go back to my life pre-Puff.

The Quidditch victory party after the Gryffindor-Slytherin game was the perfect opportunity to make a move. This way no one would even notice he was missing for a good few hours and that would give me plenty of time. Now I just needed to grow the ovaries to do it.

I managed to slip a note into Marren's cloak pocket telling her that the time was finally right and if anything happened she'd be able to find out for herself in the farthest abandoned classroom on the sixth floor at one o'clock the next morning. With that it was set in stone that I had to do whatever I could to meet that deadline. He'd already kissed me so he must have at least kind of found me attractive, right? That meant that he might want me enough to go along with my little seduction scene. I just had to time it right so Potter or Lupin didn't get a chance to stop him. There had to no doubt in Marren's mind at the end of this that Sirius was unfaithful and she needed to have proof that back that allegation up.

I tried to keep things social at first, not wanting to seem like some sort of jungle cat that just pounces on her victim after stalking it. I wanted it to at least seem natural, even if to me it seemed completely like I was setting him up to fail. Well, no. I was giving him an opportunity to fail. It was me opening a door of forbidden opportunity for him. He'd know quite well that he wasn't going to go through it but if he did then it was his own fault. He'd have made his own choice.

Slytherin was trailing behind Gryffindor by twenty points when I finally managed to maneuver to the row behind Sirius and Co. I didn't feel too awkward because Robin had agreed to come with me to make it seem even more social. She didn't seem to mind. She was looking forward to attending the victory party with me afterwards as well. I think she was hoping that there'd be plenty of intoxicated blokes for her to get her claws into.

Gryffindor scored another post and the half of the stadium bellowed with excitement, including Robin and I. Sirius and Marren turned around in surprise, obviously not expecting someone to be behind them. The stands weren't nearly as crowded as they usually were. Several students had refused to attend the game due to the general violence that happened between the Houses. The Gryffindor-Slytherin games had more vicious fan fights happen than the other matches combined.

"Cherry, Robin, fancy seeing you two here," Sirius greeted us politely. Well polite was good but it was nowhere near the lustfulness I needed to make my plan work.

"We come to every Gryffindor match," Robin pointed out. Okay, that was a lie. I came to every game but generally the closest thing she did to going to a game was her smoking under the bleachers.

He raised an eyebrow in interest, "Really?"

"Don't act all surprised," I mocked insult. "Just because I act like I don't care doesn't mean I can stay away from a good match of Quidditch, especially when it's my team playing."

Marren gave me almost what looked like a smile. Well, that was new and different. She'd never done that before.

"And do you both always go to the victory party afterwards?" he inquired curiously.

I nodded, "Hard not to when they're in our Common Room."

He almost blushed, mumbling something before diverting his attention back to the match. James was in rare form, being more aggressive than I'd seen him play before. Maybe he was sick of having a close game with the Slytherins or he was just trying to relieve some aggression he was feeling.

I searched the Pitch for any sight of the Snitch, wishing that the match would be over so I could get on with my plan. I was beginning to dread what I had to do and the damage I promised to cause and I just wanted it over with.

I wouldn't be the only one hurting from this. Marren was fragile, something that became obvious from her little Calming Draught addiction. She wanted to know if Sirius was unfaithful but just because she wanted to know didn't mean she should. Deep down she might have known that he was cheating on her but having it brought out to the light where it was unarguably happening. And the others… Potter, Lupin, Evans, Pettigrew and all of Marren's Hufflepuff friends wouldn't understand. They wouldn't believe that this was all Marren's idea. I'd be stamped as an everyday home wrecker and that'd be all they'd see.

I promised Marren I'd do it and she deserved answers. She deserved to be confronted with the truth and if no one else was going to grow the ovaries to get her that truth then I was just going to have to do it myself.

Ethan Young, the Quidditch commentator and my personal stalker, was blasting through the pitch. He was almost too loud for his words to be clear enough to hear. "And Potter steals the Quaffle from Avery, speeding down the Pitch. He looks like he's about to score! WAIT, WHAT IS THAT? IT APPEARS THAT SMIDGEON FROM GRYFFINDOR HAS SEEN THE SNITCH!"

I craned my head, trying to see the midget-sized Seeker dive from the Golden Snitch. She went plunging straight down the pitch, speeding towards the flying gold ball. How pathetic is it that half of the Wizarding World was mesmerized by a game of playing with balls? I guess since I was one of those simple folks who were hit with Quidditch fever I really couldn't complain too much. I suppose that just goes to show how easily entertained we are.

I tried to get on my tip-toes trying to see her as dove down before the edge of the stands and out of view. "Why do I have to be so short?" I complained under my breath as I continued trying to catch a peek of the speeding Seeker.

"OH BUT LOOK AT THAT! RAINSON IS ON HER TAIL! THEY'RE RACING TOWARDS THE SNITCH! THIS IS GOING TO BE ONE CLOSE CALL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! SMIDGEON'S REACHING OUT FOR IT BUT IT APPEARS THAT RAINSON IS TRYING TO KNOCK HER OFF HER BROOM! COME ON, REFEREE! HE'S OBVIOUSLY COBBING!" Through the crowd I could see Young on his feet, frantically making obnoxious gestures with his arms. I also saw Professor McGonagall physically pulling him back into his seat, looking livid as her mouth seemed to move a mile a minute. I was definitely glad that it was him and not me. "Alright fine. SMIDGEON IS SPEEDING TOWARDS THE SNITCH, FLYING AT IT WITH INCREDIBLE SPEED. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S HER SMALL SIZE MAKING HER AERODYNAMIC OR THE FACT THAT SHE'S ON THE BEST BROOM THAT MONEY CAN BUY BUT THERE'S NO WAY THAT SLYTHERIN IS GOING TO RECOVER THE SNITCH. THE SNITCH IS PLUMMETING TOWARDS THE GROUND WITH SMIDGEON CLOSE BEHIND IT! SHE'S LEANING FORWARD – showing off her impeccable chest if I might say – AND SHE'S CAUGHT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS 370 – 180!"

I let out a squeal of excitement, uncharacteristically jumping in my seat. I couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment even if I hadn't even been the one playing. Gryffindor was victorious against Slytherin the way it was supposed to be.

I wasn't the only Gryffindor celebrating either. Robin was even screaming gleefully at the final score, giving me an almost hysterical hug. I don't know if it was what she'd been smoking earlier kicking in or if she'd finally uncovered a deep love for Quidditch but she looked like she'd just been named Minister of Magic.

Sirius was bellowing his congratulations to the team, a wide grin plastered to his face. He squeezed Marren into him, bringing out a hint of jealousy. She didn't even look like she was having a good time! She probably didn't even like Quidditch. Knowing her it was probably too loud for her and too dangerous for her anxiety issues. I knew that he didn't like leaving her anymore since he found out about the Calming Draughts but she looked miserable, like this was the last place in the world she wanted to be. It was just another sign that they didn't belong together. She was too mild for him. He needed someone who enjoyed life as much as he did, someone who wasn't scared of her own shadow. What he needed was me.

I was almost surprised with myself when I first thought about it. I'd come to terms with my attraction to him, blaming it mostly on lust, but I'd hadn't really thought of it as more than that. It was just sexual attraction, hormones making my brain make me want to shag his brains out. The fact that I liked Quidditch and he liked Quidditch should have nothing to do with that. This had to have been deeper than sex. Did I want more than that?  
>The idea of it literally blew me away. I was just trying to make this lust for him go away, wasn't I? I was just trying to uphold my end of the bargain with Marren, wasn't I? This had nothing to do with having feeling above the waist from him.<p>

"Cherry? Cherry, everyone's leaving," Robin tugged on my arm. "It's time to go get ready for the party."

I snapped out of my thoughts, noticing that she was right. Sirius and Marren and all their mates had already left. "Bloody hell," I muttered to myself as I followed behind her, trailing behind the masses as we headed back towards the masses.

"So…" Robin started up light conversation, hooking her arm around mine, "What are you going to wear tonight?"

I shrugged, "Dunno. I guess I really haven't thought much about it."

"Well I suggest you wear something low cut," she told me. "He spent half the time we were there glancing at your tits."

I rolled my eyes. She might have been right but more than likely she was just being her overly blunt and tactless self. She might have been right in a way but I just didn't want to look easy or sleazy. Attractive yes, slaggish no. "I'll think about it," I told her to placate her.

"Oh red's a good color," she suggested. "It's the color of passion and it looks pretty good on you."

I had to disagree. I thought red was cliché and often made people look more like a traffic light than a seductress. Besides despite what she said wearing red often clashed with my cherry colored hair. In fact I was beginning to get tired of my red locks. It made me look like some sort of childish rebel trying to brass her parents off. I suppose that was exactly why I'd done it in the first place but I wasn't a child anymore. It wasn't who I was anymore. I outgrew it and it was time for me to move on.

"I think I want to go back to being blond," I commented off-handedly.

She looked at me in surprise, "What?"

I shrugged, "It's just not me anymore. I've had red hair for too long."

"But – But that's the point," she argued, "It's who you are. It's your trademark. It's the entire reason you're Cherry."

I shrugged yet again, "It's just not me anymore. Besides it clashed with everything."

She definitely looked like she was in shock. I suppose after nearly five years of having me use my hair as a blinding display against rebelling against Merlin knows what that might have been a bit of a shock to her that I was considering putting it aside. The more I thought about it the more convinced I was in my pursuit. I knew I was doing the right thing for me even if she didn't quite understand.

It felt almost liberating when I shed the red. I felt less like I was expected to be some rebel without a cause and I could just be myself. It was just me giving up these pathetic attempts at rebelling at anything and everything. It was just me growing up. I felt free and maybe that freedom would help me get through the night.

I decided on trying to tone it down a bit, not wanting to come as though I was walking into tonight with the assumption that I was going to end up trying to seduce him. I needed to be more natural than that, more subtle.

Despite Robin's protests I went back to my original blond. I hardly recognized myself in the mirror. In a way I looked older and in another I looked like every other girl at Hogwarts and for the first time I didn't mind. I suppose that was a big part of growing up, losing the need to always be running against the crowd.

To placate her and her increasingly bad mood I agreed to take her advice and wear a relatively low cut dark red shirt under my leather jacket. I couldn't believe I was looking at myself in the mirror. It looked like I'd taken some sort of Polyjuice Potion or something.

"He's going to practically get hard just looking at you," Robin informed me somewhat proudly as she applied a dark layer of eyeliners on me. I didn't exactly appreciate being used as a life-size doll but I didn't have the energy to fight her off AND prepare myself for the big event. I mean, persuading a taken guy to seduce you without him knowing that you're persuading him is a bitch. It was very clear in Marren and I's talks that he had to be seducer and the instigator. I could… push him in the right direction. It was like I said before about opening the door. If I pushed him through it then it would completely ruin everything I'd been working for.

"So… Do you know what you're going to say?" she questioned almost in a pushy maternal behavior as she began putting a shade of red lipstick on me. I don't know what her fascination with the color red was but she seemed to think that I needed to be covered in it.

I shrugged, "No idea."

"And do you know where you're going to take him?" she continued to press, brushing lint of my shoulder.

"An empty classroom on the sixth floor," I replied. At least I knew the answer to one out of the two questions. I was one for two.

"And how are you going to get him away from his mates? Potter and Lupin won't make it easy for you," she pointed out as she fumbled through my trunk, looking for Merlin knows what.

"I'll figure it out. I'm sure with the crowd I'll be able to find a way to break them up for a few minutes," I answered, feeling a bit less sure of myself whenever she brought up an aspect I hadn't thought of.

"And when is the Puff meeting you?" she inquired as she pulled a pair of black stud earrings out of my trunk. Well at least they weren't red.

"At one," I responded as I took the earrings away from her. The last thing I wanted was her to stab my ears while trying to get it in my pierced hole.

"Right. And I'll be trying to keep Riley occupied and away from you two," she nodded with a rather proud grin.

My stomach immediately plummeted at the thought of Riley. He was another causality of this chaos. I'd been avoiding him for as long as I could, not being able to look at him while knowing that eventually I was going to hurt him. We weren't technically dating so I wouldn't considering it cheating but it surely wasn't anything much nicer.

"Robin, I don't – I don't think I can do this," I admitted shakily, my guilt beginning to take it over.

"What? No, Cher, no. You can't do this to us," she instantaneously jumped into action, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Marren needs you, we've been preparing for this for weeks! You need to grab ahold of yourself, grow some ovaries and man up! You promised her you would help her and you can't back out now!"

She was right. I needed to get ahold of myself and just get over with it. I had promised Marren I would do this. I nodded, slipping on my "Shag Me Pumps" to try to give me some added confidence. "I can do this," I announced, assuring myself more than her.

She slapped my arse the way a coach would do to one of his players, causing me to jump a bit in surprise, "Then let's get out of here, princess!"

I scowled at her, treading lightly down the Dormitory stairs and into the murky unknown that was the party already beginning to spring to life. This was by far not my first Gryffindor victory party but this was the first one that I was acting like some sort of spy out of a muggle novel. I'd been doing alright so far but this was where things were really getting dicey. It was the make or break phase where if I didn't do this right then Marren was never going to get the truth.

I easily spotted Sirius standing by the makeshift bar Potter had set up on one of the tables. "Go get him," she told me, giving me a push in his direction.

I obeyed her but still gave her a glare over my shoulder as I sauntered up to him. "Wotcher Black," I greeted him.

He looked at me in bewilderment, "Cherry? Bloody hell, I hardly recognized you! You look – Wow, you look amazing."

I tried my best not to blush, "Thanks."

He continued to stare at me, making me a bit uncomfortable. Eventually he coughed a bit, recovering from his little moment of awkwardness, "So… How about we get out of here and go someplace a bit quieter? I – erm – have something I want to talk you about. You know, for our Muggle Studies project."

I highly doubted that he really had anything to talk to me about when it came to our abandoned project but I took the bait. If anything it'd give me an opportunity to try to seduce him in private. Or rather seduce him into seducing me I suppose. "Sure. I know a place that Prefects hardly ever patrol."

I led him out of the Common Room, trying to keep myself calm and even minded. I had to get through the night. I had to survive it. I didn't have a choice about it. I just had to man up and get it over with no matter how much I didn't want to.

"Are you sure Prefects hardly patrol down here?" he questioned as we made our way down the sixth floor corridor towards the classroom that Marren and I had arranged him to get caught cheating. Of course, he didn't know about the arrangement but that didn't mean it didn't exist.

I shook my head, "They never come this far down the corridor. Nothing really is on this floor so they generally only skim it. I found that out earlier this year."

"With Alexander?" he stated more than questioned with disdain.

I sighed as I opened the classroom door, "What's your problem with Riley anyways? You haven't said a nice thing about him since I met you."

"I think you know the answer to that," he replied as he entered into the dark classroom ahead of me.

I took a deep breath to collect my wits before following him inside, "Not particularly. I don't exactly sit around all day trying to theorize why you hate people. If I did then it'd take me a year just to get through Slytherin House."

He closed the door behind me, leaving us in the dark. "You once told me when I decided to man up and admit I was jealous of Alexander I should come find you."

I nodded, "I remember."

"Well I was jealous," he told me. I couldn't see him in the dark but I could I could see his shadowy outline.

"I know," I nodded even though he couldn't see me.

"I've never met anyone like you before, Cherry," he informed me and I could feel him in dark, moving closer and closer to me until the hair of the back of my neck was on end. "You're intriguing, hardheaded and ridiculous. You've been plaguing my thoughts since the day we were assigned that damn Muggle Studies project. I can't stop thinking about you. It's like you're haunting me everywhere I go. At first I just wanted you to leave me alone so the torment would be over but eventually I realized I didn't want that. Not really. I know now after what happened in the library that you don't feel the same way towards me but I had to tell you anyways."

"Sirius, I – I never said –" I began to argue.

My argument didn't get too far. Let's just say his lips were a very good conversation stopper after all. He kissed me differently than the night at the library. This was more urgent, passionate like he was afraid if he waited too long he'd lose me.

I pulled away for a moment, "Sirius –"

He pressed a warm finger to my lips, "No, love, tonight there's not going to be any arguing. Tonight you're mine."

I was definitely not going to argue with that. I only had until one o'clock to get out all of my lust and attraction for him out. I had a lot of work to do in a short amount of time. I nodded in response, agreeing with him.

He pulled me flesh against him, allowing me to breath him in. I could feel his hands sliding down me, eventually coming to rest on my waist. I had to admit that though he was blind in the dark he was still nowhere out of his element, moving just as smoothly as he would have in the light. "From that conversation I also remember you displaying interest in seeing my stamina firsthand," he breathed in my ear.

My knees suddenly felt gelatinous. So much for me being a great seductress. I could hardly take what I dished out. With my power of speech completely MIA I could only nod foolishly in reply.

"Well then, love, I'll try not to disappoint."

Sex with Sirius Black had always been idolized and put on a pedestal so high that I originally thought it would physically be impossible for him to be nearly as good as rumors stated. I was wrong. It made every other sexual experience I'd ever had look like an awkward amateur grope in a broom cupboard in comparison. Maybe it was his experience but I couldn't help but thinking that it was the fact that I wanted him so much. I'd never desired someone as I did him. There was Riley but he – He didn't awaken the same sort of primitive, carnal instincts that Sirius did. With Riley there would have always been a sort of craving left over, nagging at me that I needed more. With Sirius it was like it could read my mind. Everything I wanted him to do I would find him doing moments later. He knew what I wanted better than any other bloke before, whether that was a testament of what he knew what I wanted personally or just his ability to read his bedmates.

Part of me felt like I couldn't breathe and another part of me felt like I would never need to breathe again. It felt something along the lines of what I imagined it'd feel like to have to race to make up for moving in slow motion for too long. I felt like I was laying there on the cold oak desk while the world sped by me.

Having the world speed by was by far not the worst thing about that night. It was the anxiety about what I knew was coming. Marren was going to come through the door and shit was going to hit the fan and I couldn't fix it.

"Cherry? Love, what's wrong?" Since when was he an observant bloke? I had always thought the role of the perceptive Marauder belonged to Lupin…

"I'm sorry," I told him, knowing that if I was ever going to get him to forgive me, though it was doubtful that it was possible, that I'd have to apologize early and often.

"What are you talking about, love?" I couldn't see him but I knew he was giving me one of his "I-have-no-idea-what-you're-talking-about-but-I'm-smiling-anyways" smiles. "You don't have anything to be sorry about."

"Yes, I – You don't know but I – I did something really stupid," I admitted, soothing my inner nerves by stroking along his knuckles. "I didn't know though. I didn't know then what I know now and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I ever said yes."

"Cherry, pet, you aren't making sense," the amount of concern in his voice began to double by the second. "What are you talking about?"

"It's Marren – I – You're going to be so angry," I sighed, shaking my head. "I'm sorry."  
>"Cher, you're beginning to worry me. What about Ali? Did you do something to her?" He might have just shagged me but his concern was still her. What was that supposed to mean? I didn't even know how to feel about that.<p>

"I said yes."

"Yes to what, love?"

Suddenly there was a strong Lumos charm brightening up the room, causing me to shelter my eyes from the light. "I can't believe." I'd recognize that fragile voice anywhere. Apparently it was one o'clock already. "I can't believe you would actually do this to me."

I immediately went to the task of dressing, not bother to share eye contact with either Marren or Sirius.

"Ali, please," Sirius immediately began to try to do damage control with his girlfriend who, for a generally spineless Puff, was looking impressively angry. "You have to let me explain, pet."

She ignored his pleads, turning to me, "Thank you."

I gave her a queasy smile, feeling as though I was going to vomit at any moment, "Any time, Marren." I could see Sirius looking between us in confusion but I tried my best to ignore it, ducking out of the classroom at lightning speed without even bothering to make myself look. After all I was crumbling fast and though I did many things that day I swore I'd never do while sharing secrets in the dark, falling to pieces in front of someone was still something I refused to do.

**A/N: Evan here and oh my dead God that was the most exhausting chapter I've ever written (and one of the longest). I hope you all liked it and if not then tough tiddlywinks :P. Oh and one last thing (I forgot to address this during my last chapter so I've got to make a note of it this time around), neither one of us, either myself or Javalon14 are male. Yep, we're both pretty female and when I say "pretty" I mean we're definitely women just so you know. Oh and this is in response to a review earlier about questioning genders of us writers and it's not just one of my usual rants that make no sense why they're there or where they came from. Just so you know!**

**Evan**


	17. Won't You Stay With Me?

**A/N: Firstly, I'm typing this up on New Year's Eve at 5:30 my time, so by the time Evan gets it up, it may already be the New Year… so Happy New Year all! I hope you guys all loved the last chapter as much as I did. I've read it eight times already. :D Isn't Evan fabulous? **_**OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT**_**: Evan and I have started a tumblr blog related to this story! Isn't that great? It's at **_**maybeiknowfanfic dot tumblr dot com.**_** We'll be posting story-related content like photosets, the musical inspirations for my chapters, and whatnot. We have an ask box where you can direct questions to Cherry and/or Ali, and we are accepting submissions, so if you're interested, you can make fan art, fan vids, whatever! We'd love to see your interpretations of the characters and the story! Join in on the fun! Again, **_**maybeiknowfanfic dot tumblr dot com**_**! Please review this chapter. I used half a pen working on it.**

**-J**

"_He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional it couldn't last. I loved him so but I let him go 'cause I knew he'd never love me back. Such pain as this shouldn't have to be experienced. I'm still reeling from the loss, still a little bit delirious. Near to you, I am healing…. I only know that I am better where you are." – A Fine Frenzy, Near to You_

"Thank you," I said to the newly dressed Cherry.

"Anytime Marren," she muttered forcibly, quickly leaving the room.

I was alone. Alone, dealing with Sirius and the mess he made, the way he absolutely played me.

"What the hell just happened?" he asked incredulously.

I sighed.

"You're not stupid, Sirius. Use your head. I was sick of waiting around, listening to the nasty rumors, wondering if they were true, so I asked Cherry to test your fidelity." I fought the tears welling up in my eyes, but it was a lot of pain and excitement for one night. "You failed."

His jaw was hanging dumbly. The worst part was, he looked adorable like that, but I needed to think about how ugly he had treated me.

"She… she lied to me?" he finally whispered. "She just… she just toyed with me?"

I wanted to rip out his throat. I wanted to hex him into a thousand pieces. I settled for making him feel as lowly as humanly possible.

"How does it feel, Sirius?" I hissed. "You played me for such a fool. Did you and your Marauders just sit around laughing about my naivety in your dorm every night? I mean, when you weren't out fucking other girls, that is!"

He winced when I swore. The powerful anger running through my veins in that moment relished the pained and pathetic expression he was wearing. I wanted him to hurt just as badly as I did.

"Of course not," he sighed. "And it wasn't all a lie, Ali. I just… by the time I realized it wasn't going to work I had realized how attached you were and I didn't want to hurt you. I just thought – Merlin, I'm so stupid."

"Yeah," I snapped. "Glad that finally sunk in." I shifted uncomfortably. What was I supposed to do next? He hurt me, I shamed and berated him. Was there something that was supposed to go between that and my crying my eyes out to Marlene and Lily? "So, we're done. Just in case you didn't get that part."

Were those… tears? Was Sirius Black… crying? Of all the things…

"I'm sorry, love," he sighed. "I never meant any of this. I do care about you, just not in the way you wanted me to. I…"

A tear rolled down his cheek. Suddenly, I put it all together.

Sirius was in love with Cherry.

But Cherry had lied to him and slept with him to prove he wafs cheating on me.

I had known the plan would be dangerous and messy, but this had absolutely blown up in all of our faces. I was hurt, he was hurt, and now all his friends would be mad and Cherry and me, and my friends would be mad at him and Cherry.

We had inadvertently started a war in the middle of N.E.W.T. year. As if the one outside the castle walls wasn't enough…

"Are… are you going to be okay?" I asked, not certain that was a typically acceptable thing to ask the guy who just cheated on you, but it felt important to say, somehow.

He nodded, but another tear rolled down his cheek and I knew it was a lie. Stupid boys, always thinking they had to be strong. I sighed and reached out for him, pulling him into a tight but friendly hug. He held onto me more tightly than ever, and his tears flowed freely onto my shoulder.

Somehow, this wasn't how I had pictured the whole event going down, but it felt right. Besides, it would be hard for us to do this in the morning for quite a while, at least until things cooled down a bit.

Back in my common room, the weight of my pain hit me and I curled up on the sofa and cried myself to sleep. By breakfast, I realized, the whole school would know. This was just how these things worked at Hogwarts.

The worst part, I found, was not the tears or the whispers or the dull pain in the back of it all, throbbing consistently. I had prepared myself for those. It was the blow to my sense of trust and sense of self. If he had been cheating, how many of the other rumors were true? Did I even want to know?

What's more, once word got out that he really _had_ cheated every boy in Hogwarts would know that I could be played like a piano. There was no trusting anyone. Thank Merlin it was a Sunday.

As soon as I finished breakfast, at which neither Sirius nor Cherry was present, I made my way to the library. I tried to lose myself in my homework and N.E.W.T. practice exams, but I was less than successful.

The thought that Sirius was in love with Cherry swam back to the surface of my thoughts. What should I do about that tibit of knowledge? I felt I ought to tell her. After all, she had done a lot for me. It made some logical sense.

But she wouldn't want to talk to me. The deal was completed. She probably never wanted to speak to me again. After all, it was no secret what she thought of Hufflepuffs. But my inner debate was cut short when someone sat down across from me.

Remus was smiling down at me sadly.

"I thought you might be here," he sighed. "I suppose I don't have to ask how you're feeling."

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered. "Why didn't you warn me? I never should have found out like that. It never should have gotten to this point."

He frowned and said, "I couldn't, Ali. I wanted to, but the Marauders took oaths years ago to keep each other's secrets. Sirius has kept even the worst of mine. I couldn't do it. I tried to hint. I wrote anonymous notes to Lily and Marlene. I even set him up with one of your dormmates hoping you'd believe her when she and Emily Johnson talked about it. But you just didn't want to see it, I guess."

He was right. What right did I have, feeling sorry for myself when I so willingly buried my head in the sand for so long?

"Why did you use Cherry?" he asked quietly.

"Marlene gave me the idea," I admitted, "though I doubt she'd remember. And Cherry seemed enough his type to pull it off."

Remus snorted.

"Well, you sure got that right. I've never seen him look at someone like that before."

I bit my lip for a moment before I said, "Remus, I think he might be in love with her."

I braced myself for the worst of it. He would call me crazy, delusional, think it was my way of making myself feel better over what happened. There was no way such an outlandish statement would go without being laughed at, even by Remus.

But he simply nodded and said, "You know, anyone else and I'd say you were way off, but I think you could be right about this one. It's a bit out of nowhere, but he's completely different with her than he's ever been with a girl."

"He was really hurt," I admitted, "when he realized what we'd done. It was like he was the one feeling all the pain I was supposed to feel. He… Don't tell him I told you this, but he actually cried."

His eyebrows shot upward and he asked, "Did you?"

"Not at the time," I mused. "I was really angry. But I definitely cried when I was alone. I… erm… I cried myself to sleep last night."

"Oh, Ali," he sighed.

"I'm not as hurt as I thought I would be," I said with a shrug. "I'm humiliated and confused, but it has less to do with Sirius and more to do with me. I mean, what kind of girl lets herself get cheated on? What kind of girl…?"

I hadn't even realized I was crying until Remus gently shushed me and wiped away the little teardrop on my cheek. The sensation made my skin tingle. As he traced the tracks of my tears, gathering each drop of moisture with his fingertips, he grazed my lips and I found myself wishing he were closer, wanting to take comfort in his presence.

"Don't let Sirius's stupidity make you doubt yourself, Ali," he breathed. "You are _perfect_. Do you understand me? You are absolutely perfect. You deserve someone spending every spare second telling you how perfect and beautiful you are."

I could feel crimson creeping into my cheeks and I shook my head a little as though brushing away his praise with the motion.

"Do you do that with Grace?" I teased, but he tensed at my question and pulled his hand away quickly from my skin as though I'd burned him with my blush.

"We, erm, broke up," he muttered. "She said I wasn't spending enough time with her. She wanted me to give my shifts with you to someone else, but you need… you needed me. I couldn't just… Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's done now."

I blinked. Remus had taken twice as many shifts as anyone but Sirius. Lily and Marlene would have been more than happy to take a few, but he'd never asked. As a result, my lack of ability to care for myself caused their breakup. I felt a bit guilty, but was it normal for a part of me to feel so… elated?

No, there was no point in denying it at this point. I was falling for Remus Lupin. The situation smacked me in the face. Sirius was in love with Cherry. I was falling for Remus. Of course we hadn't been able to love each other. The whole thing seemed so obvious in that moment of realization that I was at a loss as to why I hadn't seen it before.

But what did Remus think of me? I had no idea, and suddenly my heart was pounding fearfully. What if he left? I had only just discovered I loved him, he couldn't leave! But I wasn't Cherry Clark. I had no idea what to do to let a guy know I was interested in him.

So I did the only thing I could think of.

I leaned over the table and kissed him.

Best decision ever.

At first, he was as surprised as I was, but after a moment he relaxed against my lips and began kissing me back. It was then that I realized the absolutely breathtaking quality of his kiss, something even Sirius didn't accomplish. I mean, to be fair, Sirius was an incredible kisser, but this… this was beyond incredible. It was probably illegal, it felt so good.

When I remembered I needed to breathe, I pulled away, breaking the kiss and looking up into his shocked amber eyes.

"What was that for?" he gasped.

Here we go… words. I was not looking forward to making a fool out of myself.

"I… erm… I'm kind of in the process of… of, erm… falling and… I dunno, it just felt right."

He blinked. Then he got to his feet and my heart sank. He was leaving.

To my surprise, however, he walked around the table and right up next to me, sat beside me, and kissed me even more spectacularly than the first time.

I can't honestly say how long we were there, snogging in the library, but someone in the next aisle over dropped a book loudly, eventually, and we finally parted looking disheveled and flushed, but I for one felt fantastic. I was also grinning like an idiot.

"So," he whispered in my ear, his arms wrapped loosely around me, "what now?"

A very good question. What now, indeed?

I had, after all, just ended a long-term and high profile relationship. I was supposed to be drowning my pain in tears, ice cream, and chocolate, not snogging one of my ex-boyfriend's best friends. I ought to be doing homework at the very least.

What's more, Remus had just been in a break-up of a much less messy and public nature, and judging by our previous conversations on the topic, he hadn't been nearly as attached to Grace as I had been to Sirius. Still, it was probably not the best of ideas for him to be snogging his ex-girlfriend's roommate in dusty corners of the library so soon.

And yet, all I wanted was to lean forward, wrap my arms around his neck, and snog him until the world ended.

But it was N.E.W.T. year. There was an actual war going on out there and we were nearly qualified. It was about time I started making adult decisions, doing what I ought to do, no matter how much I wanted to do the opposite.

"I can't date you," I sighed. "Not right now. My life's been unstable enough as it is, and it's bound to get quite a bit worse before it gets better."

"Right," he muttered, his face falling a little. "Right."

"But I want to," I insisted hastily. "I want you. It just isn't very good timing…"

"No, I understand," he sighed.

"We can revisit this conversation, though," I said with a smile. "I want to revisit this. But that doesn't mean I want you to give me space. I feel better with you. I feel better about myself and this whole mess, and I'm less angry about everything."

Remus smiled, pulling me into a hug very different from the one shared with Sirius in the abandoned classroom. With Sirius, I was comforting him. With Remus, I was being comforted, protected, cared for.

"Don't worry," he whispered. "I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you could do to make me leave you alone again."

I sighed, resting my head against his chest and reveling in the sound and feel of his heartbeat. His warm, parchment-like scent washed over me.

"To be honest," he murmured, running his fingers gently through my hair, "I've wanted you for a very long time. I'd wanted you before Sirius asked you out."

I frowned.

"Why did you date Grace?"

"You told me to leave you alone," he explained with a shrug. "I thought I didn't have a shot and I ought to try and get over you, go for someone else. But it didn't work. I spent all my time with her thinking about you, comparing her to you… And that was completely unfair to her, I know. She could never compete with how I adore you, but I couldn't help myself."

He said he adored me. I instantly had giddy excitement fluttering around my stomach and a ridiculous grin plastered on my face. I managed to make it look a bit less silly by the time he pulled away from our marathon hug, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "It's about time for lunch, love. I think you need a study break."

I giggled.

"Remus, I haven't even thought about my books in…" – I checked my watch – "… an hour or so."

"All the same, darling," he insisted with a smile, "you need to eat. Come on, I think they've got ham today."

Ham sandwiches. He knew my favorite sandwich. It was obviously love.

Or maybe it was the fact that we'd had lunch together almost every day for two whole terms. Either way, I was thrilled.

I couldn't help but walk closer than normal to Remus as we made our way down to the Great Hall, although we weren't holding hands. We weren't, technically, together, after all. Still, some indescribably force was pulling me ever closer to Remus.

Any hopes I'd had for a peaceful lunch with Remus were dashed when James Potter sat down with us.

"Marren, you need to fix this," he said manically.

I blinked. Fix what? The only thing nearby that needed fixing was his hair, and we all knew that was a lost cause.

"Fix… I'm sorry, fix what, exactly?"

He groaned and grabbed a sandwich.

"You need to get back with Sirius."

I blinked. Then I burst with hysterical laughter. The worst part was I knew he meant it. The question was, why?

"He didn't mean it," James whined. "That she-devil Clark tricked him, Marren. He's miserable without you."

It became clear that I was actually going to have to deal with James, because Remus looked about ready to skin the bespectacled boy alive.

"James," I sighed, "have you even _talked_ to Sirius about this?"

"I don't have to," James hissed. "He's my best mate and I know what's best for him, damn it!"

"Really?" I snorted. "Because last night he told me he didn't want me but didn't break up with me to spare my feelings. And he admitted there's been more than Cherry. Besides," I said, swallowing a bite of ham sandwich, "Cherry was just doing what I asked her to do. None of this is her fault."

"All of this is her fault!" James cried. I winced. We were starting to attract attention, which was the last thing I wanted right then. James seemed bent on making an outright scene of things. "And now Lily won't speak to me because I didn't tell her… You have to fix this, Marren, because Sirius is such a mess that he refuses to listen to me. Honestly, the most important thing I've ever asked him to do and he buggers it up royally."

I blinked.

"What did you just say?"

He frowned a little, thinking over his words. Then, his eyes grew wide with fear and I knew he meant what I thought he'd meant.

"You made Sirius ask me out!" I shrieked. "This was all about you wanting Lily! Well, you can forget every good word I ever put in for you, Potter!"

Not caring about the scene we were making anymore, I stood up, picked up the nearest pitcher of ice cold pumpkin juice, and emptied it over his head, which caused quite a stir in the Hall.

"Damn it, Clark!" James spluttered at no one in particular. "She's poisoned Marren! What the fuck did she do to the old Marren? Remus, do something! Exorcize her!"

Remus shrugged.

"You had it coming, mate," Remus said, calmly munching his sandwich.

"Stay away from me, Potter," I hissed, doing my best to keep from screaming. I was already shaking with anger. "Sirius can tell you, crossing me is a very bad idea."

With that, I stormed out of the Hall, wandering the corridors until I'd calmed down enough to study again.

It was N.E.W.T. year, after all.


	18. Break Even

I barely made it to the closest lavatory before I was sick to my stomach. I'd never vomited before from emotional stress but this was going to be a memorable first. I felt nauseous even afterwards and there was this strong pain in my chest, like a dragon was standing on top of me with all of his weight. I'd never felt something like this before, it was like my entire ribcage was being snapped in two under the weight.

I didn't know what I was feeling or what was even causing it. Guilt? Hurt? Anxiety? Probably but there was another element that I didn't quite recognize. It felt something like the pain I felt when I was casted out of my home during my First Year. Was it the feeling of being heartbroken? Maybe. But why should I be heartbroken? Why should I feel such strong emotions about this of all things? I had no reason to feel brokenhearted. I wasn't the one who'd been cheated on. It would make sense for Marren to feel this way, not me. I had no right to feel like this.

What could have possibly brought this on? Maybe my attachment to Marren was beginning to make me feel empathy? No, not even that would be this strong and I wasn't _that _attached to her. This was a more self-absorbed feeling. This was my own pain. Had I – Had I hurt myself more than I thought by going on with this? Impossible. I couldn't have possibly… Oh Merlin, unless… Unless I made a very stupid mistake and got too attached to Sirius… That would have been a very, very stupid mistake indeed. I had no business going about and getting attached to him. He wasn't good for me and I definitely wasn't good for him. What a stupid thing to do.

It would explain it though. It would explain the horrible pain in my chest. I had ruined it. Anything Sirius and I had or could have had was gone the moment I told Marren I would go along with her plan. Any future he and I had just went out the window.

The thought of it made me nearly vomit a second time. It was like I sadly felt like life was bleaker than it had been only minutes before. It was ridiculous. No person should have had the right to make me feel so miserable and yet I still felt like part of me was dying. The weight was unbearable. I'd never felt something so raw and painful before. Generally I just brushed things off, rolled a joint and went on my merry, oblivious way but I knew that this wasn't the case. Something that caused this intense of feelings wasn't going to be able to be smoked away. Well that didn't mean I couldn't try.

I picked myself off the cold lavatory floor, stumbling out of the loo and down the corridor. I couldn't go back to Gryffindor Tower. The Ginger Nazi would kill me in my sleep after she found out what happened with me and Sirius. I wouldn't be safe there but Morgan would be in Ravenclaw Tower, even though she swore to be a Gryffindor through and through she was still a Clawie by Sorting Hat's judgment at least and her dormitory would be safer.

Every step towards Ravenclaw Tower felt like I was being hit by the Knight Bus. With each one I felt more nauseous and exhausted. By the time I reached the door with the eagle knocker I was nearly falling over with exhaustion. "I hold golden treasure yet I have no keyhole or door. What am I?" the eagle questioned.

"An egg," I replied.

The door swung open, allowing me entrance to the gold and blue Common Room, complete with a marble statue of Rowena Ravenclaw, one of the Founders of Hogwarts. I practically crawled up the stairs, draining what little energy I had left. I barely managed to pull myself across the dormitory floor, using my forearms to drag me along the wooden floor. I felt so ashamed having to crawl on the floor like an animal but somehow it felt fitting. I never should have agreed to help Marren, I never should have meddled where I didn't belong. Her failing relationship with him wasn't my problem. I was only asking for trouble when I stuck my nose where it didn't belong and now I'd done so much more damage than good.

As I managed to roll into bed with the passed out Robin I couldn't help but wonder how Marren was reacting, whether she was alright or not. She had always been such a fragile thing and learning that her boyfriend was a cheater couldn't have been something she'd get over overnight. I also couldn't help but wonder how her mates would react. Would they track me down and try to take their revenge? Why was it that when a girl's boyfriends cheats on her instead of going after said boyfriend she goes after the other woman? Alright, well in this case Marren literally asked for it but still. Her friends would be less likely to understand. I'd be Head Bitch prey but the next day.

"Cher? Is that you? What happened?" Robin managed to groggily questioned, reeking of Firewhiskey.

"Let's talk about it in the morning," I replied quickly, wanting to at least lick my wounds a bit more before I had to reopen them and talk about it.

She yawned, "Okay. Night, pet."

"Night," I replied, knowing full well that there wasn't going to be any sleep for me to be had. My brain was too full to let me sleep. How did this happen? How did that cheating git get himself so far under my skin? Why did Marren have to choose me of all people? Why couldn't she have picked anyone else to carry this burden? And why did the burden never end? Hadn't I fulfilled my end of the bargain? I did what she asked so why was I even more wounded than before?

I hated her for doing this to me and I hated him for making there be a need for this to have happened. It was all their fault. I was blissfully ignorant before they sucked me into their little vortex of drama. I was happy before Marren came into my life and now… Now it seemed like I'd never be happy again.

I spent the rest of my night cursing Marren's name and generally feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't think about anything else except for how stupid I was for getting involved with him in the first place. Him… I couldn't even think his name let alone feel comfortable enough to say it out loud. It was like my brain just wouldn't let me say it.

Anyways morning came before I knew it, the sun hitting me mercilessly in the face. I was thankful that it was a Sunday so I didn't need to venture out of the dormitory. Or at least I didn't plan on leaving Robin's dormitory but like always she didn't see the need to make it easy on me. "I'm hungry," she complained as soon as she opened her eyes. "Let's go get lunch."

I looked up at in disbelief, "No."

"No? But you love food," she pointed out. "If we wait too long then all the good stuff will be gone!"

I rolled my eyes, "It's half noon on Sunday, pet, I don't think people will be racing down to lunch just yet."

"But I'm hungry!" she whined.

"Then go get lunch," I told her gruffly. "I'm not leaving this Tower until I die."

"Cher, I'm sure it wasn't that bad," she told me half-heartedly. She was never good for any sort of sympathy before lunch.

I looked at her in disbelief, "No that bad? Not that bad? You're an idiot."

"And you're an overdramatic whore," she retorted lazily, stretching out. "Now let's go get some lunch."

Robin was generally bossy in her own way but she was always worse when she hadn't eaten yet. She nearly dragged me by the ear down to the Great Hall despite my many protests. She was a woman on a mission and that meant she was getting my arse down to lunch no matter how much I wished she'd leave me in peace.

When we got to the Great Hall I froze completely, eyeing it with dread. I didn't know what was inside. I knew that it would come with pain in one sense or another but I didn't know how much or what kind. What if _he _was there? What if he confronted me? The thought of it literally made me want to crawl into a hole and die. I couldn't survive that. I couldn't see him. It'd be much too painful.

Robin didn't seem to notice how much I was dreading it and she pulled me into the Hall without my will as I thrashed against her, trying hysterically to get out of her hold. That's when I saw it. Marren and Lupin looking at each other with little lovey dovey eyes. WERE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Here I was worrying about how badly she was hurt and SHE HAD MOVED ON ALREADY? Why was it that I did this damn favor for her and I got shafted in the end? Well fuck her, fuck him and fuck everybody.

Something snapped inside of me in the worst way. All of a sudden it was like I was seeing red and I didn't give a shit about anyone or anything anymore. This couldn't be good…

**A/N: I know that this chapter is a bit short but I figured with Cherry exhausted as she is really wouldn't do a long chapter, besides I don't have much more that would fit in this chapter so I'm sending it back to Javalon14 to try to make sense of it all. Good luck to her and happy readings to the rest of you!**

**Evan**


	19. How Was I To Know?

**A/N: Just for the heads up, odd numbered chapters may have a bit of a wait from now on. I go back to school on Tuesday, can't promise how prompt anything will be. School comes first. :/ Gosh, those words are painful! Still we've got the next half dozen or so chapters mapped out, so that's helpful. HOPEFULLY, it won't take too long! Thanks for your understanding!**

**-J**

"_What I was so afraid of turned out to be my freedom in disguise. Now I know what I'm made of. Guess it just took some time to realize. I was blind, I couldn't tell, put too much faith in someone else, gave up on myself."_

_-Reba McEntire, How Was I To Know_

It didn't take long after my assaulting James in the middle of the Great Hall for Lily and Marlene to hear about it and drag me up to their dormitory to discuss recent events. As much as I didn't feel like talking, I had come to the conclusion that the more willing I was to talk things through now, the sooner it would all be over.

"So, what actually has been going on in the last twenty-four hours?" Marlene questioned delicately. "I mean, we've heard a lot of rumors, but what's the truth of it all?"

So I explained to them my actions, including the entire history of my alliance with Cherry, which Lily was disapproving of and Marlene seemed a bit sheepish about once she recognized the plan as her own brainchild. They were furious about Sirius's behavior, and I wish I could have softened that blow by explaining my suspicions about his feelings toward Cherry, but it didn't feel right, somehow, telling that to anyone but Remus. I did tell them about Remus, however, which surprised them and lifted their moods considerably before I got to the tidbit about James.

"He did _what_?" Lily shrieked, and she was red with fury, clashing horribly with her own hair. I thought she might combust.

"Yeah," I muttered. "It was all about you, all the time. I honestly don't know why we're even surprised about any of this anymore. I mean, he was actually _stalking_ you for a bit, there."

Watching lily rant and rave about what she was going to do to the pair of them when she got her hands on them was entertaining, but honestly a bit terrifying.

"Clark's not off the hook either!" Lily hissed. "What sort of person agrees to do something like that?"

"If she hadn't," Marlene reasoned, "Ali would probably still be with Sirius for the sake of James's obsession with you, constantly being cheated on. Is that what you want?"

"Of course not!" Lily cried, frustrated. "No, but first things, first. I need to deal with those boys!"

A thought occurred to me, so obvious that I wondered for a moment why it was only just occurring to me. With a small, nervous nibble of my lip, I turned to Lily and asked, "Are you going to break up with James now?"

She blinked.

Marlene blinked.

I blinked, for good measure.

"W-well… Well I…" she stuttered, clearly flustered. I saw the thought hadn't occurred to her, either. "I suppose I really ought to…"

"But?" Marlene prompted.

Lily frowned down at the charm bracelet James had gotten her on their first date. It was a very pretty thing, it suited her perfectly, and Lily wore it everywhere. She had become attached to James, certainly. Anyone with eyes could tell that she was increasingly fond of him. It was possible, I realized in that moment, that she had fallen for him. Had the knowledge of how he'd treated me changed that? Should it?

"He loves you," I said softly. "He absolutely adores you. But I expect you knew that. I think he'd do anything for you, at this point."

"I know," Lily sighed.

"I'm not going to ask you to leave him," I assured her. "And I couldn't expect you to."

"What sort of friend would I be if didn't?" she whispered, tears welling up in her big green eyes.

"You're human, Lily," Marlene pointed out. "You can't do the perfect thing all the time, and nobody expects you to. If Ali's fine with it, what does anything else matter?"

Lily bit her lip, contemplating the situation guiltily, but it may as well have been for show because Marlene and I knew exactly what she was going to say.

"All right," she sighed, "but I should at least hex him to assuage my guilt, yes?"

"By all means!" I said with a grin, and the three of us found ourselves in the Marauders' dormitory, led by a raging Lily.

I had to admit, some of Cherry's nicknames for Lily made quite a bit of sense…

"Lily!" James cried nervously, but I paid little attention to their fight, although I could tell that it was quite an epic battle; James surprised us all by fighting back when hexes started flying.

No, what caught my eye was the sullen, unresponsive, practically catatonic form of Sirius Black, sprawled out on his bed, staring out a nearby window, seemingly unaware of the impending doom of his best mate. He seemed… smaller, somehow, than he ever had, even smaller than when I held him in my arms as he cried. There was no doubt in my mind after seeing the state he was in: only love could so completely debilitate someone so incredibly near to being invincible, at least in matters of the heart.

"And you!" Lily shrieked, finally turning her attention to Sirius after reducing James to a shaking, whimpering mass in the corner. Marlene was watching in horror. "This is all your fault you lying, cheating, heartless piece of shit!"

Each word of insult was punctuated by Lily stabbing her wand very roughly at Sirius's ribs. But he didn't move. He didn't argue. He didn't even flinch. Lily faltered for a moment, but her anger quickly restored the raging persona of fury she had been channeling and she sent a few Stinging Hexes at him, probably as a warm-up. But aside from a small start at each spell and the obvious swelling, Sirius gave no indication that he was even aware of our presence.

Lily took a step back, eyes wide with shock, and she and Marlene both looked at me fearfully, expectantly. But what was I supposed to do?

I sat down on the side of the bed, taking his hand in both of mine and caressing it gently.

"Sirius?" I said softly. "Are you all right?"

He didn't respond, but his hand managed to grasp a couple of my fingers and grip them tightly. I was instantly reminded of a small child, unable to effectively communicate, but grabbing people's fingers like they were a bloody key to life.

"What's wrong with him?" Marlene asked breathlessly. I frowned.

"He _can_ still hear you, Marlene, even if he's currently incapable of speech. Sirius? Sirius, it's me, Ali. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

Suddenly, he was sitting bolt upright, looking me in the eye wildly, gripping my hands in both of his. The transition was so sudden that Lily actually screamed.

"I need to talk to you," he croaked, his voice obviously out of use for some time. "I need to explain. No one else could understand… only you. I need to tell you, alone."

I blinked. What in the name of Merlin was he on about? Lily and Marlene recognized the need for privacy, however, and promptly excused themselves.

"Ali," he moaned. "Ali, you have every right to hate me–"

"I don't hate you," I insisted.

"You should," he sighed. "Anyway, I need to tell you something because I need to tell somebody and nobody else will understand."

I nodded, taking his hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.

"I – I think I'm in love," he whispered, "with Cherry."

In a way, it was almost a relief to hear him say it out loud. I'm not sure if it made me feel better about myself or him or the whole situation, but there was certainly a sensation of a weight being lifted from my chest.

"I thought so," I said soothingly. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," he sniffed. "She must hate me. I mean, she knows what I did to you… Well, _everyone_ knows what I did to you, but she _knows_. And she only pretended to be interested because of you, and she probably thinks I was just treating her like everyone else, but I _wasn't_. I've never felt this way but I don't know what to _do_! I don't know what I could have done, Ali. It's a bit mess, isn't it?"

I nodded. A mess it was, that was certain. But if Sirius was really in love with her… surely there was something we could do? It couldn't have been my imagination that Cherry was out of sorts when everything went down. I mean, I suppose I could have imagined it, yes, but he was clearly an absolute mess. It was worth a try, anyway.

"Did you know Remus liked me?" I asked, still holding Sirius's hand. He shook his head. "Apparently, he wanted me for quite some time, and nobody ever knew, even his best friends. He's very guarded with his emotions, but you knew that."

"Do you like him?" he croaked, looking up at me like a sick, scared child who's just been given a distraction.

"Yes," I admitted. What was the point of keeping secrets from Sirius? It had never led to anything productive. "I think I love him."

"That's good," he said, with a smile that looked a fair amount like a grimace. "You two are good for each other. I hope he makes you happier than I ever could."

I smiled sadly, wondering what Sirius regretted more, agreeing to date me in the first place or treating me so badly when we were together. But it really didn't matter. It felt too much like trying to place blame.

"The point is," I sighed, "that Cherry is actually a lot like Remus that way, guarded with her emotions. There's a chance she has feelings for you, too. Isn't it better to try and fail than to lock yourself away, not knowing, staring at the ceiling and breathing in the stench of Peter's dirty socks?"

Sirius frowned.

"That smells too good to be the socks…"

Ew.

"You're changing the subject, Sirius. You're going to drive yourself mad, going on like this. You can't keep on this way. Please, promise me you'll make an effort, rejoin the real world?"

He gave me another strained smile, wrapped me up in a weak but heartfelt hug and whispered, "I promise."

We talked for hours, just the two of us. He told me how he had come to fall for Cherry, and it was sort of nice to hear it from him, how things had happened. In turn, he wanted to hear all about Remus and me, and somehow we ended up laying side-by-side in his bed, my head resting on his arm. It was comfortable, more so than any of our time together.

"You know," he sighed at one point, "we could have been really good friends. I think we should have been."

"We still could be," I mumbled, cuddling into his side. "In a way, I think this brought us closer than we would have been without the whole big mess. I'd like to be friends, if we can."

"Me too," he said softly, playing with my hair. "You know, they're going to ask questions. I mean, at the very least, you ought to hate me."

"Forget about that," I mumbled tiredly. "I'm in the process of overcoming an addiction and falling in love. I don't have the time or energy to be mad at you."

He smiled down at me the first real smile I'd seen on his face that day.

"Falling in love?" he said happily, as if he'd only just realized that I had said such a thing, although I had said something similar hours earlier. "You're falling in love with Remus?" I nodded. "Well that's good. At least one of us is happy. At least the one who deserves to be happy is happy…"

"You deserve to be happy, too!" I insisted, sitting up a little out of indignation. Sirius snorted.

"You know," he sighed, "James spouted those same words at me the other day, but he didn't really mean them like that. I suppose you've learned that he wants us back together?"

"Yes," I snarled, "for the sake of saving his own worthless, miserable hide."

Sirius nodded and said, "Yeah, I wish he'd get off my back about things. The way he talks, Cherry's the root of all evil. He's got his head so far up Evans's ass–"

"I get the picture, thanks," I sniffed.

He was right, of course. It was all a part of some grand ploy to maintain Lily's affections. The problem was, I was sure they would be good for each other, but I didn't appreciate being used like a disposable object on James's way to bliss. Sirius seemed to agree with that sentiment.

"What we need to do," Sirius said, "is get revenge."

It was so true, so obvious, that I wondered why the thought had never properly occurred to me before.

Planning revenge with a Marauder, I learned, was serious business. For the next three hours, Sirius and I discussed numerous possibilities, stitched together a rough plan, fine-tuned the final decisions until we felt it was absolutely fool-proof, and raided Remus's chocolate stash in the name of dinner.

Remus came into the room a bit later, tentative, and seemed unsure of whether to feel concerned or relieved at the sight of us giggling maniacally together on Sirius's bed. In hindsight, I'm sure that was remarkably suspicious.

"Moony!" Sirius cried in jubilant greeting. "This girl is a spectacular criminal mastermind! I should have known, after the one she and Cherry pulled on me!"

"Remus!" I said happily, leaping off Sirius's bed and nearly attacking Remus with an exuberant hug. "We've just done something wonderful, love, would you like to guess?"

Remus raised his eyebrows as he sat down on his own bed with me settling on his lap.

"I haven't got a clue, love," he said softly, a stifled amusement in his voice.

"We're getting revenge on Prongs!" Sirius hissed. "Wanna help?"

Remus was clearly hesitant, so we explained to him our elaborate plans and incredible schemes. Remus listened with an impassive expression very typical to his face, although when I kissed his cheek impulsively partway through the explanation his face flushed with pride. That was one of my favorite things about Remus: He didn't act entitled to me, as Sirius had, but as though it was an honor to have me. He made me feel incredibly special.

"Well," he finally sighed, "I'm afraid I won't be participating in this childish yet highly amusing revenge campaign. However, you have my absolute blessing and support in the whole endeavor. I suspect Lily would help, though. I spoke with her earlier. She was _fuming_. I expect handing her James's head on a platter wouldn't be overkill in her eyes at the moment."

Sirius and I exchanged a look, both clearly considering the possibilities of this suggestion. Remus sighed.

"No," he said firmly. "I draw the line at anything that separates his head from his body, whether or not it is reversible."

Sirius pouted a bit at this restriction, but we both agreed that it wasn't worth Azkaban for James.

We said our good nights, Sirius turned his head thoughtfully as I gave Remus a (head-spinning) good-night kiss, and I made my way back to Lily and Marlene's dormitory. I wasn't ready to face my own dormitory yet. The room was silent with sleep by the time I got there, and I quietly made myself a reasonably comfortable space on the floor. Lily could be briefed on the revenge plot in the morning.

I reflected on my afternoon as I laid awake, staring at the ceiling. Before I even knew the truth of anything, I had thought losing Sirius would be the end of me, of my self-esteem, of any confidence I had. I had thought that if the worst were true, I would be the one lying catatonic somewhere.

But somehow, whether it was Cherry or Remus or something in my or some combination of it all, I think knowing the truth actually helped me find my strength, my self-esteem. I wasn't just getting by; I was happy, happier than I'd been in my whole time with Sirius.

I wondered if Remus could be the key to my happiness. It felt like a sappy, romantic thing that Marlene would quote knowingly from some book or magazine that only she had the patience to read. There was certainly a lovely ring to the thought.

Not having, Remus would be sad, yes. But I realized that I would be okay. I would always have Marlene and Lily. I would still be _me_ without Remus. I had to choose to be happy, not rely on someone else to make me happy, and that revelation was monumental. I felt as though a veil had been lifted from my eyes.

The biggest difference between myself and Cherry, I found, wasn't anything about who we were, where we were from, or even the circumstances handed to us. I could have easily been her, and she me. The biggest difference was our choices.

Choice was a powerful thing, I thought as I drifted off to sleep, and I'd made up my mind. Remus and I were going to be together. I had figured myself out that night, lying on the floor of someone else's dormitory, staring at a darkened ceiling and drifting into the world of dreamless sleep. I was ready to be in love.


	20. Firewhiskey Is God

Firewhiskey was good. No, scratch that. Firewhiskey was god. It made life bearable. It wasn't necessarily as fancy or dramatic as Marren's little stint with the Calming Draught but look where that landed her. But enough about that life-ruiner and back to the godsend that is Firewhiskey. In fact when you know the joys of Firewhiskey it makes life without almost unbearable. It wasn't just the inevitable hangover. It was like... Everything seemed bleaker without it. Feelings were rawer, more painful. My thoughts were more depressing and pessimistic. With Firewhiskey I could forget what had happened with… Him. I could forget my anger with Marren and my general hatred towards the world. Sometimes the pain would be too much for Firewhiskey to fix. For example, the jealousy I felt whenever I saw Him and Marren huddled up together, whispering closely would bring up too much emotion for the Firewhiskey-drenched alone to fix. There was rage, hurt and jealousy all swirled together into a mess of bitter emotions. That was something that needed to be suppressed with something a little stronger.

Robin had developed a strong interest, or really obsession, with heroin. With the high market value and limit availability we had to settled on something a little less glamorous. Since my brother's addiction to cocaine I refused to ever experiment so that also limited our options. So what do you do when you can't afford heroin and you won't do cocaine? Answer: Ecstasy, Speed and whatever Muggle pills we could get our hands on. These weren't necessarily as common practice for me as alcohol was but they were welcomed just as much. They were just a bit more expensive and therefore our access to them was a bit limited.

Drugs and alcohol were just two things I used to try to distract myself. I'd go out to the local pub almost every night, gamble frivolously with money I didn't have, fight like a drunken sailor and wake up every morning in a different and even odder place than the night before. The only thing I didn't try to use to distract myself was sex. I'd tried miserably once after the Him fiasco and I wasn't keen for another disaster. The first one had been devastating enough.

I was supposed the best way to describe myself was as a "train wreck". I was on a one way track towards becoming a junkie by the time I was twenty or dead by the time I was twenty five or both. The thing was that I just couldn't make myself care. I mean, I knew. Deep down I knew that I was making one bad mistake after another but I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.

Besides drinking and using drugs indiscriminately and generally behaving recklessly I'd stopped attending lessons all together, making myself inch closer and closer towards failing out of Hogwarts completely. I wasn't at all prepared for the upcoming N.E.W.T.s and I couldn't seem to think about the future or prepare for it. It was like I just couldn't care about anything anymore.

Sometimes certain things in life would pop up and make me care. Not often but every once in a while someone would say or do something that made me have to react and leave my bubble of ignorant bliss. The most evident example of this would be the confrontation between Marren's mates and I.

It was before breakfast on a Tuesday I think. No maybe it was a Wednesday. Possibly a Thursday. Anyways it must have been a weekday because it was way too damn early for everyone to be up for breakfast on a weekend. I was finally coming in after a night out in Hogsmeade and I had the worst hangover I'd ever had in my life. Not only was I nauseous but I had this urge to literally tear every moving things to shreds with my teeth. It was sort of a carnal aggression that was indiscriminate and overwhelming. I was doing my best not to attack anyone and just try to mind my own business until I could get some sleep and a Sobering Solution but I was rudely interrupted on my ascent towards my bed.

Who would have been enough of a pain in my arse to get in my way? Lily bloody Evans, my personal pain in the arse. I'd almost forgotten that since I'd been wasting so much time doing nothing everywhere besides Gryffindor Tower that I'd hadn't been properly confronted by Marren's friends about the Him fiasco. Honestly, wasn't having to deal with the aftermath of that horrible night awful enough already? I mean, hadn't I suffered enough? According to the Ginger Supreme Ruler of Hell apparently not.

"Clark," she barked at me, stopping me as I tried to escape the loud noise of the Grand Entrance corridor. "We need to talk to you."

I groaned. "We" was right. Behind her was an army of brassed off bitches. I recognized all of them though I was by no means on first name basis with any of them. There was Marlene McKinnon, one of the Ginger's closer mates and one of my roommates. And then there was Ashley Thompson, a Puffer Marren's year. You know for there just being three girls they still seemed like a militia. "I'm not in the mood for you, Evans. Go bother someone who cares."

"We know what you did to Ali, Clark," she hissed at me. "We know what happened between you and Black."

I winced at the sound of his name but tried to brush it off, "Do you? And exactly do you think you know?"

"We know that Ali asked you to test Black's loyalty," she informed me in a low, predatory tone.

I tried not to roll my eyes at her, feeling irritable from lack of alcohol, "And you're pissy with me because I did your mate a favor?"

"You shouldn't have done it, Clark," the hostile Puff snarled at me. "You should have told her no."

I sighed. I really didn't have time for this. "So you're telling me what I should have done was told her no so she could stay miserable relationship where she was constantly being cheated on? You know, before I did anything she spent months on end with him. You might not like my methods but I sure as hell got more results than you did."

"At what cost?" Evans demanded. "Do you know what you put Ali through?"

I snorted, "Marren is fine. From what I hear she's moved on and everything."

"That doesn't mean –" the aggressive Puff began to argue.

"Listen, pets, Marren came to me. She _asked _me to help her, she was the one who came up with this entire plan. If she wanted to do it your way then she would have came to you. She came out okay so why don't you back the fuck off me before we have problems?" Between my hangover and my general annoyance at their existence I was quickly losing patience and my ability to be at least a little civil.

"What's going on?" Well speak of the Devil and the Devil shall appear.

I turned to see Marren, giving the Ginger, Angry Puff and McKinnon a sharp look. Hm… McKinnon needed her own name too so she wouldn't feel left out. Hm… the Brunette Bitch from Hell? Hm… It was rusty but it'd work for now. "We and Clark here are just having a conversation," the Brunette Bitch replied coolly.

"About what exactly?" Marren pressed. Well to give her credit, despite how much I hated her, she'd come a long ways to being able to confront people without needing a Calming Draught.

I rolled my eyes, "Come on, Marren, you know exactly what this is about."

She turned to her little band of friends with a disappointed look, "I thought we'd been over this. Everything that happened with Sirius and Cherry was my idea. You can't blame her for that."

"She should have said no," Lily argued.

I was growing tired of all this bullocks. "Listen here, Evans, you might not like my methods but they weren't my idea and I got a hell of a lot more results than you did. Next time if you want to picky about how something gets done then do it your damn self. Also, don't talk to me about cost, okay? You have no idea what it cost or who. No do me a favor and stay off my arse?" I pushed through their little blockade gruffly, in dire need of some sleep and maybe a bottle of Firewhiskey. Actually after all the emotions that little confrontation brought up I was probably going to need something a little stronger…


	21. A Mean Cycle

**A/N: I'M SO SORRY! I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE YOU ALL! Life sucks. Being a college student sucks. But no excuses. I'll do better next time. This was a difficult chapter for me to write, and I'm not particularly happy w/ it, but I hope you can all forgive me. :'( As far as the chapter, it's dedicated to xyellowconverse (shocking), who has made all my dreams come true in her latest chapter of Best Accident Ever. If you've not read it, PLEASE DO, it's amazing! :D**

**-J**

"_Where's your gavel? Your jury? What's my offense this time? You're not a judge…. When you swear it's all my fault 'cause you know we're not the same… Ignorance is your new best friend…. This is the best thing that could have happened. Any longer and I wouldn't have made it…. The same tricks that, that once fooled me, they won't get you anywhere. I'm not the same kid from your memory. Well, now I can fend for myself… We used to stick together. We wrote our names in blood, but I guess you can't accept that the change is good…" – Paramore, Ignorance_

Revenge on James was, apparently, a desirable and popular goal. Lily jumped on the bandwagon quickly when we presented our plans to her and even agreed to leave Cherry alone at my request, although she was certainly less happy about that part.

After several days of careful planning, it was the big day. Phases one and two both began at breakfast.

You know, you can tell Sirius whatever you'd like to get him to do homework and he'll never crack a book, but make it a pranking occasion and you can't peel him away until he's found what he was looking for. In fact, I never even had to come up with any spells, as Sirius was so keen about it.

"Moony doesn't help with prank research," Sirius explained. "Don't tell anybody this, but this is the one time I like the library."

Of course, he never went during the day. He snuck in after hours. He did have a reputation to maintain, after all.

Speaking of reputations, Lily flat-out refused to use any magic against James. Of course, we didn't need her to and hadn't expected it of her, but she made a point of informing us of this for about ten minutes, regardless. Sirius had looked about ready to tell her we weren't asking, but I kicked him solidly in the shins. Telling Lily she wasn't wanted for something was a surefire way to make her rip the reigns right out of your hands and prove her capability and importance.

Sometimes, it was still best to keep my mouth shut, I had learned, and thankfully Sirius took the hint.

At any rate, Lily had her minimal, yet important, role and Sirius and I were primed and ready for battle, with Remus's promise to stay out of the way.

What I hadn't counted on was… what's his name?... Riley something… I think…

Anyway, he cornered me on my way to breakfast for the beginning of phases one and two and yanked me unceremoniously into an empty classroom. I blinked up at him, both shocked and confused. After all, I didn't even know the guy.

"Um, can I help you?" I muttered, eyebrows raised as he looked at me, on the verge of what I'd call manic.

"Cherry's avoiding me," he snapped.

Right. I was still unsure of where this was going.

"I'm… I'm sorry? I guess," I sighed.

"Why is she avoiding me?"

I frowned and said, "Isn't that, maybe, more of a question for her?"

"She's avoiding me!" he cried frantically, running his fingers through his hair like James did around Lily. Then it dawned on me: He was falling for Cherry.

The situations I find myself in, I swear.

But honestly, that girl gets _everything_ and she doesn't even have to try. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't jealous. Remus and I were incredibly happy. But I guess I was more impressed by her awesome powers. And in a way, I felt a bit sorry for her, because she didn't seem to be coping very well at the moment. The Cherry that I had to rescue from my rampaging friends wasn't the badass, confident girl I had first approached fearfully for aid.

Most importantly, if she was hiding, something was very wrong. Cherry didn't run and hide. She faced her problems and threw her skirt at them. Was she in love with Sirius? I certainly hoped so, because that was something I could do something about, once James was dealt with.

Of course, it wouldn't be good for the distraught bloke I was currently dealing with, but not everyone could win. And if Cherry was avoiding him, he ought to have taken the hint.

I made my way to the Great Hall. I ran into Sirius in the entrance hall, and he exchanged a glare with the guy who had just asked me about Cherry, growling at me, "What were you doing with that creep, Ali?"

"He wanted to talk to me about Cherry," I said casually as possible, sensing the tension in the air. "Apparently, she's avoiding him, or he thinks she is."

I wasn't too surprised when a lesser version of Sirius's infamous smirk played at his lips and he muttered, "Avoid him, is she?"

"That's how it seems," I sighed, amused, "but one thing at a time. James first, all right?"

He seemed reminded of our plot and nodded, following me into the Great Hall, settling down at the Gryffindor table beside Remus, who appeared to know nothing of what was about to happen. He had such good acting skills.

"Morning," he said nonchalantly, kissing me gently on the cheek. "Sleep well?"

Actually, the nerves and excitement for the next day had kept me from sleeping at all, but Remus would have worried unnecessarily had I told him that, so I just said, "Absolutely. And you?"

"Well enough," he muttered, raising an eyebrow at my perky, enthusiastic attitude, probably hinting that I ought to tone down my excitement.

James came into the Great Hall, closely tailed by Peter, who seemed much more concerned and confused by the fact that the boys were no longer all attached at the hip than even James was.

Poor Peter. All of the drama and in-fighting was probably doing a number on his sensitive little soul. The Marauders were everything to him. I wondered what would become of him if something more permanently damaging to the group dynamic did occur.

But that thought was a digression, and I could not afford digressions on this important day. James and Peter joined us, settling themselves at the table, and that cloud of awkwardness that had become typical when Sirius, James, and I were all together had descended over the group.

"So," I said, attempting to dissipate the awkwardness, "how did everyone sleep last night?"

I swear the boys all blinked at me as a collective unit. It was nice to see that they still had their Marauder oneness on some things.

We were all saved from the awkward moment by the incoming of the morning post. Quickly, silently, and under the table, I performed the spell Sirius had found for me on about half a dozen owls, and Sirius turned his wand on James's food and drink while there was a distraction. It went over perfectly.

James, assuming after several moments that he wasn't getting mail that day, turned back to his food and lifted his fork to his face, shoveling a heap of scrambled eggs into his mouth. Almost as soon as he put it in his mouth, he spit it back onto his plate, a look of disgust on his face.

"James, that's gross," Remus said frankly, his face scrunched unpleasantly as he looked down at the offending eggs.

"Did I put salt on those?" James asked frantically. We all shook our heads. "Did one of you put salt on them?" We shook our heads. "Are any of your eggs salty?" We all tasted our own and shook our heads. "Weird," he muttered taking a long swig of pumpkin juice before promptly spraying it violently on poor Peter, who was across from him.

Poor Peter.

The innocent party in the pumpkin juice incident (namely Peter, the only one at our part of the table who couldn't be held responsible in some way) took the whole thing rather well, I thought. He blinked, wiped the sticky orange concoction from his eyes, dabbed his face with a napkin, and turned back to his sausage as if nothing had happened.

Satisfied that Peter was all right, James snapped, "All right, whoever's wielding the salt, it's not funny."

"James, are you sure you're all right?" Remus said, eyebrows raised in concern. "Nobody's touched the salt all morning."

James was just about to say something snarky, judging by the look on his face, but I pointed above him and said, "Friends of yours?"

We all looked up just as half a dozen owls dive-bombed James's face, covering his glasses in bird poop, and circling in a holding pattern over his head until I waved my wand discretely to call them off.

There was an awkward semi-silence in the Great Hall, punctuated by a handful of whisperers and snickering first years, but everyone at Hogwarts watched as James calmly siphoned the bird excrement off his glasses with his wand and wiped his face clean with a napkin.

"Excuse me," he said tersely. "I have to go dunk my head in soapy water. Hopefully, I won't be late for Charms."

As soon as he stood and began marching away, there was an eruption of laughter, mainly proliferated by the Slytherins.

"Continuing phases one and two," Sirius whispered to me with a smirk, "and I'll go on phase three this afternoon."

James found a variety of animals following and peeing on him throughout the day, most notably my cat, Fang, Mrs. Norris, and all of the unicorns in Care of Magical Creatures. With each animal, James's rage built within him more, and he began to realize that these were not merely random occurrences. His food and drink, also tasted incredibly salty at each meal, and he was starting to get rather hungry and frustrated. But what James didn't know was that his day was about to get a whole lot worse than salty food and drink at every meal and being pissed on by a vast array of animals.

Sirius singlehandedly turned every surface in the Slytherin and Hufflepuff common rooms neon pink. As they had expected, Professor Sprout, Slughorn, and McGonagall called Sirius and James in as their primary suspects. Lily, Avery, and I were called in to handle the discipline of the situation and bear witness and whatnot.

"Can you tell us your knowledge of the crimes in question and account for your whereabouts this afternoon, all of you?" Professor McGonagall said judiciously.

"Well, Professor," said Sirius with a perfectly straight face, "I was at the Quidditch pitch, flying laps. I know nothing about this."

Two things: Firstly, McGonagall looked incredibly skeptical. Secondly, James looked a bit surprised and confused, since we happened to know that this was exactly what he had spent his afternoon doing.

"Can anyone vouch for this, Mr. Black?" Professor Sprout asked calmly.

"I can," James said quickly, thinking that he was covering for his best friend and effectively digging his own grave so that we could all toss dirt in on him.

Sirius frowned perfectly.

"No you can't," Sirius said, looking confused. "You weren't there."

"What are you talking about, Sirius?" James demanded. "Of course I was!"

The professors exchanged baffled looks at the dynamic duo's disagreement, and I struggled not to grin as I said, "Please, Professors, I did see James near the Hufflepuff common room this afternoon, but I had assumed he was on a trip to the kitchens."

James's jaw dropped as he turned toward me.

"No I wasn't! I was at the Quidditch pitch!"

"Avery, do you know anything about this incident?" Professor Slughorn asked incredulously, clearly trying to piece together the puzzle.

"No, sir," Avery said honestly, bemused. "I was in the library."

"I, erm, I saw something," Lily lied, although I must say she was a far better actress than I would have expected.

"Yes, Miss Evans?" said Professor McGonagall swiftly.

"I, erm," she muttered nervously, "well, on my way back from tea with you, Professor Slughorn, I ran into James in the dungeons, but he asked me not to say anything about it and assured me not to worry, told me he was looking for me."

At this point, James could do little more than splutter at the outrageous and carefully planned lies we were all telling, but the professors all took lily Evans's word as gospel. There was really nothing he could do.

"Might I suggest," Lily said sweetly as the three professors turned their dark expressions on James, "that he be made to clean the owlery weekly in detention for the remainder of the term… without magic?"

"Yes, Miss Evans, that seems a suitable punishment," Professor McGonagall said. "Potter, you'll receive an owl with details of your detention tomorrow." It would have been impossible not to notice how James flinched at the word 'owl'. "Good day."

I stuck around with the three Gryffindors, no longer hiding my wide grin at the sight of a red-faced James Potter.

"What the hell, Sirius?" James exploded. "You weren't at the Quidditch pitch this afternoon!"

"No, I was turning common rooms pink," Sirius said with a cheerful smile. "They bought it, though."

"And you!" James shrieked, turning on me. "I was nowhere _near_ your common room, Marren!"

"Neither was I," I said with a shrug. "I was following you around all day, making animals pee on you. It's a full-time job."

His eyes grew wide and he gasped, "That was you?"

I just smiled sweetly in response.

"Do you have any idea how many times I had to shower today, Marren?" he roared in my face, but Sirius pushed him back from me forcefully.

"Don't you go getting angry with her, Prongs," Sirius spat. "Ali didn't hurt anyone, you did."

"I don't know how you put up with this girl so long, Sirius," James snarled. "Leave it to you to pick a crazy one."

"Actually, you picked her," Sirius snapped, "and therein lies the problem. We could do a lot worse than this, James, and believe me, the thought's crossed all of our minds. Don't push us. Let us live our own lives. Ali and I don't want to be together. Get over it."

"And Lily-flower," James whined pathetically, "why did you lie about me like that?"

Lily frowned.

"Is everything Sirius says going in one ear and out the other? James, leave Ali alone and mind your own business! Let them live their own lives!"

James opened his mouth, clearly about to make another stupid, stubborn, 'poor me' comment, but Lily cut across him and said, "I mean it, James. Ali's being really big about this because she knows you mean a lot to me, but if you don't stop being so unreasonable, I _will_ leave you."

If there was one thing James Potter understood, it was the power of Lily Evans to stick to something once she'd set her mind to it. He hastily swallowed his protests and nodded numbly. I would have preferred an apology and assurance that it wouldn't happen again, but beggars can't be choosers. I trusted Lily to keep him in line.

"So," I said to Sirius as we headed for the kitchens, "now that's over we can move on to the next order of business."

"And that would be?" he asked suspiciously.

"Getting you and Cherry together, of course," I said matter-of-fact.

Sirius sighed.

"Oh, Ali. If only I could believe that were actually possible."

But I wasn't willing to give up so easily. The first step would be a plan…

Actually, that would be the second step. A good night's sleep, _then_ a plan…


	22. Wake Up Call

Chapter Twenty Two Wake-Up Call

Have you ever had a moment where you take a step back, look at your life and not like what you see? Well when that happens most people try to reassess their choices and turn their life around. I, however, was not most people. My response to that was downing enough Firewhiskey so that I couldn't even remember my own name. Generally it worked. I could usually drink myself to blissful ignorance but it was inevitable that eventually it would catch up to me. Whether it was liver failure or just something big enough to shake me from my drunken stupor it still loomed in the future, despite my ignorance of its existence.

There were some definite advantages to my lifestyle. For example, not many people could boast that they spent their N.E.W.T.s year barhopping. On the other hand there were some serious disadvantages. Every once in a while I'd be sober enough to realize that with every shot of Firewhiskey and every missed lesson I was destroying my future. I wasn't going to miraculously just get all O's on my N.E.W.T.s without any preparation or studying. I was continually screwing myself over and while I did care I still couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. Alcohol was safer than sobriety, it was more comfortable. Why would I choose dealing with painful and conflicted feelings when I could just drink them away after all? When I drank I didn't remember anything that happened with Marren or... _him_. I could forget about being shafted in the deal and just live in the drunken moment.  
>I'd been tempting fate for long enough. After all, with all the bad behavior I'd been displaying it was only a matter of time before the universe decided to punish me. I'd only wished it'd been a little more forgiving about it.<p>

I was drinking with a few of my "mates", or really just some of the more rowdy, alcohol-loving students Hogwarts had to offer. They were a rougher crowd and made the self-proclaimed "bad boys of the school", the Marauders, look like chumps. I generally enjoyed drinking with them because I didn't have to worry that they couldn't hold their liquor. They could drink with the best of us and I never had to worry that they'd pass out or vomit on me or even drown in their own vomit. It was always appreciated when I didn't have to wear some bloke's vomit because he couldn't hold his own Firewhiskey.

"Come on, Cher," one of the blokes pestered. I think he was a Ravenclaw. What was his name? Ryan? Brian? Oh who the hell knows anyways? "You should try some. They're amazing. You'll feel like you're flying for hours."

"Do I look new? Even I'm not drunk enough to try mixing booze and pills," I told him while working on my second bottle of Firewhiskey that night. "Maybe tomorrow, love. Speaking of pills, where's Robin?"

Ryan/Brian/Whoever The Fuck He Was shrugged, "I haven't seen her since yesterday. She said something about meeting a bloke who had a package for her or something."  
>I nodded. Her heroin must have come in. She'd been so bloody excited about it. I don't why she'd been so fanatic about the bloody stuff. I personally had no desire to shoot up with anything. I had an aversion to stabbing myself with sharp things no matter what the effect was. "I'll - I'll go find her and congratulate the bint."<p>

"You sure? You don't seem to firm on your feet," he pointed out.

He was right. I was stumbling like... well, a drunk. "I'll be fine," I assured him, waving him off in an over-exaggerated manner. "You go ahead and fly away with your pills." I managed to stagger away in a way that it'd be obvious even to a blind person that I was sauced.

It was surprising that I hadn't been expelled yet for displaying such unruly behavior, especially since McGonagall had been gunning for me for years. I mean, I was a horrid drunk that never went to classes so why did they even let me stay in school? Looking bad I'm surprised that they hadn't thrown me out on my arse. McGonagall at least probably wanted to. Dumbledore always seemed to be the forgiving one. For example, there was that one time that a few Slytherins got in trouble for using an Imperius Curse against Mary McDonald and they didn't even get expelled. Dumbledore did make them get tailed by professors wherever they went and they got detentions for the rest of the year but in the real world they would have gotten a one-way ticket to Azkaban. I guess I was just lucky that Dumbledore was Headmaster and not McGonagall. If she had been then I would've been kicked out without a second thought. I don't know why she hated me so much. It might have been that I almost never attended her class and when I did I would either sleep in the back of the classroom or talk to Robin through it. It also could have been that I didn't respect her as much as she wanted or that I didn't consider the school rules to be as important as she did. I suppose it might have been a combination of reasons now that I think about it. Let's just say it wasn't my hair. The red was gone and she still treated me with the same level of distain.

"Wotcher Clark," I recognized the voice of the slimy git, Ethan Young. Merlin, even I wasn't drunk enough to deal with that prat. Actually I was never drunk enough to deal with him. Maybe if I tried dealing with him while I was on pills… Hm… That might work…

"Piss off, Young," I told him disinterestedly. "I don't have time to be bothered with your bullocks."

"Aw come on, love. There's no reason to be mean," he told me breezily, easily keeping up with my stride. "I was only trying to be cordial."

I snorted, "First of all, I have no desire to be nice to you. Second of all, you're never cordial, just horny. Thirdly, just run again. I can't be arsed with you."

He stopped in his tracks, grabbing my arm and yanking me to a stop. "I'm done being nice to you about this, Clark. I'm going to have you one way or another so I suggest you stop fighting me on this."

I rolled my eyes at him, "Sod off, git. I may be pissed but even I'm not stupid enough to believe your empty threats. You don't intimidate me. You're just a pervert who doesn't like to keep it in his pants. Now let me go before I break your face." I had to hand it to myself for being a generally laid-back and happy drunk I was impressively intimidating. I suppose my loathing of him must have been so intense that it transcended into my usual happy-go-drunkenness.

He gave me a scathing look but released his hold of my arm nonetheless, "You're going to regret this, sooner rather than later." He dramatically walked away, looking like some sort of teenage drama queen.

Didn't we have enough dramatic teenage girls in Hogwarts? To me it seemed like we had a surplus and were not in any need of any more. Maybe we should have shipped some of our excess to Beauxbatons. They always seemed to have more room for bitchy teenage girls.  
>I continued my hunt for Robin. She was being impressively hard to find, though I was drunker than hell so I suppose that might have had something to do with the reason that I couldn't seem to track her down. I checked the Ravenclaw Tower but her bed was empty and I searched the corridors but she was nowhere in sight. She'd always been a bit dramatic about the ways she liked to rebel. When she rebelled she liked to "do it right". That pretty much meant that she liked to drugs in a stereotypical way and whatever else she could do to brass her family off.<p>

The Firewhiskey was beginning to wear off and I was beginning to feel the effects of a hangover. Merlin, it kind of felt like someone smacked me in the forehead with a sledgehammer. I generally never had any problems with hangovers. In fact, I had a foolproof technique for never getting any. When I began to feel one coming on then I'd start drinking again so that it never caught up with me. Of course that meant that I was literally always drunk to some degree but I never got the head-splitting hangovers and I quite enjoyed the idea of never being sober. Sobriety complicated things. I was a simple drunk. Fun was good and drama and emotions were bad. It was a very easy, cut and dry philosophy but it suited my life fine.

As the alcohol began to lose its effect I started to begin to consider where she'd hide away for her first heroin use. Like I said before she really was one of those traditionalist when it came to anything rebellious. She was one for the classics. You know, smoking under the Quidditch Pitch stands, shagging in broom cupboards... Broom cupboards. That was it! My drug addict friend was hiding away in a cupboard!

There were dozens of broom cupboards in Hogwarts. There had to have been at least thirty but I'd never taken the time to actually count them. There were some that were more likely to be used by horny couples who wanted some time alone and she'd be less likely to be there than any of the other more isolated and discreet cupboards so that ruled out most of the ground level. There was still at least twenty five other than them though, not including the dungeons. After all, she might have been obsessed but she was still a Ravenclaw and therefore smart enough to stay out of Slytherin territory when she was alone. I was done trying to use logical. I'd crossed two floors off my list before I even began searching cupboards and my brain was already reeling from having to use that much brain power. Since I'd stopped using my mind for anything productive and only for making plans for getting alcohol it made it harder for me to be logical about anything or really even try to think about anything for too long. There was that whole saying about "use it or lose it" and apparently I was losing my mind, or at least my ability to make rational thoughts for more than a few moments at a time.

I started on the First Floor and continued on my way up the floors. I didn't really have a logical search pattern, of course. I just would start on the bottom and work my way to the top. Eventually I would find her. Or not. If not then she wasn't in a cupboard and then I was wrong. I had a feeling I wasn't wrong though. She wasn't usually one to disappoint me. She was usually pretty predictable, despite her appearance to be unpredictable and unruly to the outside world. She was... predictably unpredictable. Yes, I suppose that really was her. She'd break rules and do stupid things but she always did it in a logical and consistent way.

I made it to the Third Floor when I was beginning to feel exhausted and like I was never going to find her. Where could she possibly have gone? I wasn't even halfway through the floors but I felt like I'd been searching for her for hours. My hangover was only getting worse and between it and my exhaustion I thought I was going to die before I ever saw my mate again.

She was on Fourth Floor. I opened the cupboard door and I could immediately smell her perfume. "Robin? Robin, pet, it's late. Let's go back to the Tower. Robin?" I grasped her shoulder and she fell forward, clattering to the floor. "Robin?" I questioned with my urgency. She was cold to the touch. "Robin? Robin, wake up! Please? Come on, Rob, this isn't funny! Robin?" I felt for a pulse, looking desperately for any sign that she was still alive. I heard myself scream but I didn't realize I was the one who let it out. It was like my brain wouldn't let me accept what I was seeing. The concept that Robin was gone was too much for my brain to process.

"Honestly, Clark, it's almost curfew. Do you really have to –" I heard the Ginger Hell Spawn spit at me in her generally belligerent manner. She caught one look at Robin at the floor and for once in her life she shut her ungodly lopsided mouth. "Oh my God," she managed to eventually mutter. "Oh my God."

I wanted to tell her that she wasn't helping and that we needed Madam Pomfrey but my mouth wouldn't work. I tried to speak but no words would come out and I was glued to the spot. It was like I was suddenly mute and immobile.

"James!" she suddenly shrieked. "James!" Merlin, looking back I actually had to feel sorry for Potter. I mean, he must have had some sort of mental problems to willingly date such a high-maintenance bitch, especially one with such an annoying and nagging voice.

Suddenly the poor bastard appeared. "Lils, what's - Oh," he fell silently as he saw Robin. "Is she…"

"We need to get Madam Pomfrey," Lily interrupted him. "And we need to get her to the Hospital Wing."

I could feel both of them look at me and nodded. "I'll take her," he volunteered. "You stay here and wait for Pomfrey, alright? I'll send her as fast as I can. Come on, Clark."

I knew he was telling me to move and for the first time I wanted to actually listen to him but my legs still wouldn't work. I was glued to the spot. I couldn't help but look at Robin's lifeless body in horror, my brain not even able to process the simple command to look away. In all my life I'd never felt so useless.

"Clark," he commanded again. He and the Head Bitch exchanged a look. I'd never quite seen that look before and since I only saw it out of the corner of my eye I wasn't quite sure I'd seen the full extent of it. However, it did look like it was almost a sympathetic look. They looked genuinely like they were sorry for me. "Come on Clark," he said again, though this time his voice was softer and less commanding. So I guess he really did have the ability not to be a prat to me all the time. Who would have figured?

He grabbed hold of my arm and the sudden sensation of being touched made my brain regain some of its previous ability. I nodded to show him I understood. I might have recovered my ability to move but I still didn't have the ability to comprehend what I was seeing. It was like my brain wasn't capable of accepting the fact Robin was gone. It refused to even consider the possibility. I began to move in what felt like a slow motion speed down the corridor with Potter easily keeping up with my stride by my side.

I felt like some sort of zombie as we traveled down the corridor, taking the changing staircases down to the first floor. We probably should have ran but I think that deep down we both knew that time was no longer of an essence. Even if we'd Apparated to the Hospital Wing Pomfrey wouldn't have been able to do any good. I might not have been able to accept the fact that she was gone but I think I knew subconsciously that it was all over with. Even with my brain not cooperating with me deep down I still knew, even if I didn't necessarily know that I knew.

"Madam Pomfrey," I hardly even registered Potter saying as we arrived finally at the Hospital Wing what felt like ages later. "Madam Pomfrey!"

The middle-aged School Healer appeared from behind a curtain, "Mr. Potter, what in the world are you yelling about? This is a place for injured and sick students to recover and I would appreciate it if you would respect that and -"

"Madam Pomfrey, please. We don't have time for formalities," he interrupted her impatiently. "There's a dead student in a broom cupboard upstairs. And this one needs something for the shock," he nodded in my direction.

She nodded urgently, "I see that. She'll just have to wait here until we get back. Miss Clark, go lay down on an empty bed, alright? I'll be right back for you."

I nodded to demonstrate my understanding but it was useless considering that they were already gone. I found an empty bed just like Pomfrey had told me. It took less thought power to obey orders than make my own. Generally I would disobey any authority figure's orders just because I could but now didn't seem like the right time for such childish rebellion. I wouldn't gain anything from being insubordinate and it would only cause unnecessary trouble when there was enough going on without any help from me.

I laid in that bed for what seemed like ages. I don't know how long I laid there. With my lack of mental capabilities my sense of time eroded away. It felt like days but I still had enough common sense to know that it couldn't have been longer than a few minutes. Pomfrey would never leave the Hospital Wing unguarded for that long after all. That didn't have any consolation for me considering the fact that I couldn't tell the difference between a minute or an hour or a day. Every second drew out like a lifetime. If I'd been in my right mind I would've been preparing myself for the inevitable news. I would have been softening the blow but at the same time Robin was the closest thing I'd ever had to a sister. How can you soften the blow of losing a sibling? Telling them that they're in a better place, that their suffering is over now doesn't work when you're talking about a seventeen year old girl.

"Well fancy finding you here, Clark," I heard the reptilian voice of Young ring out in the otherwise silent Hospital Wing. "What? Did one of those mean Slytherins finally get to you?" he sneered at me patronizingly. "What did they do to you, huh? Full-Body Bind? Hm? Silencing Charm too, huh? Well it looks like today just keeps getting better and better for me, huh? So, Clark, do you have anything you want to say? Perhaps an apology for that little attitude of yours earlier? Oh right, I forgot. Someone got you with a Silencing Charm. Well I suppose that's just as well. You always were a stubborn little bint. You're never really one to apologize, are you? Well I suppose I'll just have to teach you a lesson then, won't I?"

I looked at him miserably. If I'd been myself I'd have told him to piss off and that I wasn't intimidated by him or that I wanted him to leave so I didn't catch any of his communicable diseases. Yet again, I wasn't myself. I couldn't the will or the energy in me to fight back. I could only just lay there and hope that'd be over quickly enough that none of the damage would be permanent. Feelings of shame drifted over me as I laid there motionlessly as he crept behind the curtain with a predatory smirk on his face. I'd never really been one to let myself get taken advantage of like this. I'd always known how to take care of myself but now I just couldn't even make myself tell this prat to stay away from me. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I just laid there like I somehow accepted what was coming to me.

"You know, Clark, you're not nearly as special as you think you are," he informed me as he sauntered onto the bed. He put his knee on the hospital bed, causing it to groan underneath his weight as he pinned me against the bed. "You walk around like some sort of gift from above, flaunting your legs like a bloody prostitute. Do you enjoy teasing men? Huh? Do you enjoy degrading them like they're not worth your time? Huh, Clark? Look at me when I'm talking to you!" He roughly grabbed hold of my chin, forcing me to meet his gaze. "Much better. I want you to know that I take you I'm going to make sure you don't enjoy it. I want you to feel a taste of the pain you've been dishing out for years."

The shame that was beginning to bleed through the numb was nothing compared to the dread and almost fear. I was honestly terrified but I couldn't make myself react. It was like in sometimes when you know you're having a nightmare and you're watching the dream happen in first person and you want to make the dream version of you do something else but you can't. You have no control over your body and you can't make yourself wake up so you're being held at the mercy of the nightmare. This was my nightmare and I wasn't waking up. I wasn't going to be able to just pinch myself and just wake up. This nightmare wasn't going to end on my terms. I was just going to have to suffer through it until it was over.

I could feel his hands slithering across me, ripping at the front of my uniform. I saw the buttons fly across the room and I couldn't help but feel sorry for the House Elf in the laundry who was going to have to end the buttons back on. What a silly thing to think, isn't it? About having to get your shirt mended when you're about to be raped? I guess that just goes to emphasize what I'd said before about not being in my mind.

His teeth grazed against my neck, biting and gnawing against my tender flesh until I felt like he was going to start drawing blood. As his teeth abused my neck I could feel his hand roughly slide along my thigh. He pushed my legs apart mercilessly, bruising them without a second thought. It was like the years of my rejecting him all of a sudden brought this monster out of him. He'd always been a creep but I'd never expected him to be capable of this.

I forced myself to stop thinking about what he was doing, trying to just ride out the storm. This pain couldn't last forever. I needed to just survive until it was over.

"Madam Pomfrey, you have to let me see her!" I heard a familiar voice demand from beyond the curtain. I didn't think much about it at the time. The curtain was closed and Young had gone silent. No one would have known what was happening behind that curtain unless they opened it. I couldn't make myself make any noise at all to catch any of their attention either. Unless Pomfrey opened it then it wouldn't make any difference at all whether Young and I were alone in the room or not.

I tried to clear my thoughts, trying not to think of the rapist on top of me or the fact that the closest thing I'd ever had to a sister was probably in a body bag at that moment. I didn't even want to listen to what the people outside the curtain were arguing about. I just wanted to completely disconnect from everything.

"Well you know what? I don't bloody care about your policies, Pomfrey! I'm seeing her whether you like it or not!" the voice from before announced. The hospital curtain was suddenly yanked open. "What the fuck?"

The commotion forced me to stop my disconnect attempt. I turned my head to glance at the recently opened curtain. What happened next was so fast it was like I just saw a blur of color. The next thing I knew Young had been pulled off of me and was on the floor with someone else on top of him, using him like a human punching bag.

I tentatively sat up, unsure of what had happened or what this meant for me now. Pomfrey was looking at the violent display on the floor with horror. Apparently I wasn't the only one that day who was having trouble making her brain communicate with the rest of her body. "Mr. Black, stop it! Get off Mr. Young right now!"

Black? "Sirius?" I almost thought for a moment that I'd thought that I'd only imagined saying his name. It'd been a while since I'd spoken and even longer since I spoke his name. I knew, however, that when he turned to look at me he heard me.

He immediately got off of Young, leaving him bleeding on the floor and rushing to my bedside. He gingerly pulled my now button-less shirt closed before bringing me to his chest. It felt like suddenly I could breathe, finally being able to inhale after weeks of my oxygen being stifled.

"Is she okay?" I heard the distinctive small voice of one Ali Marren. I thought I'd never be able to hear that Puff speak again without being filled with feelings contempt and anger. Surprisingly enough I wasn't angry at her anymore. I wasn't angry at anyone anymore. I don't know it was the relief of knowing that Sirius didn't hate me or the stress of what happened to Robin but it was like I couldn't be bothered to hold those grudges anymore.

I could feel him nod, "She'll be fine." For the first time in a very long time, despite all the chaos and insanity, I actually agreed. Eventually I really was going to be fine. Now it was just a matter of surviving until then.


	23. Turned Inside Out

**A/N: OMG, this was so much faster than the last one. Hope you guys like it, and be sure to check out our tumblr!**

**-J**

"_Maybe you're just jaded from some nobody's unforgotten words. Maybe you're just faded, a little gray from every time that you've been hurt, so you're lookin' for your skin that you never did fit in. You can't hide when you're turned inside out. Love is looking for you now… Maybe you've been thirsty but the rain just ain't enough when you're this dry, so you're runnin' from the water and the fire's getting' hotter. I think you'd better find some level ground…"_

_-Miranda Lambert, Love is Looking For You_

Ethan Young slept in the hospital wing that night after Madam Pomfrey healed his broken jaw, bloody nose, fourteen bruises (not counting the black eye), three broken ribs, concussion, and internal bleeding.

He deserved it.

Seeing Cherry that broken, that lost, was a shock indeed. Even though nobody had seen her sober since I found her with Sirius, nobody could ever recall seeing her like this. My heart swelled when I saw Sirius cradling her, though. He had gone from viciously angry to tenderly protective from just a single word from her lips and I hadn't had to do a thing.

But it was the circumstances that brought the entire Hogwarts student body to be addressed by the headmaster at breakfast. Most students had heard garbled versions of the previous night's events by the time we had gathered, so that one version had me killing Robin to get back at Cherry for sleeping with Sirius, and then trying to get Lily to hide the body in the Gryffindor common room for Cherry to find whilst Sirius put Ethan Young in a coma for raping James, who had been traumatized by my actions and was running to warn Cherry not to come to Gryffindor Tower.

At least, that's what the first years were circulating, so you can imagine what the students my age were spewing. Ella and Emily didn't even say a word to me, just stared at me for a moment and turned to gossip behind their hands, as if I couldn't guess what they were saying. Ashley and a frightened-looking Grace sat down with me moments later, and Ashley glared viciously at the pair of Camilla-followers down the table.

"Don't mind them," Ashley hissed. "You obviously didn't kill anybody. You know, her parents are coming in this afternoon, I heard… you know, for the body–"

"Gossiping about legitimate things only makes you marginally better than those two, Ashley," I said acidly. "Why don't you wait and see what happens for yourself?"

Ashley's mouth clammed shut in surprise. Timidly, Grace decided it was obviously worth asking her plaguing question.

"I just have to know," she whispered, "is Ethan Young really in a coma?"

"No, of course not," I sighed. "He's fine. Madam Pomfrey only kept him because he'd had internal bleeding and didn't want to risk it. She does the same with all internal injuries that aren't broken bones."

Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat and the Hall fell eerily silent. Hundreds of faces turned to look expectantly up at him, hardly daring to breathe. He seemed to me more tired than he had been… he somehow seemed so much older. Perhaps it was death putting life into prospective or some such philosophical crap.

Still, his face was dark and solemn. There was not a student who was not instantly impressed with the notion that this was in no way a matter to be taken lightly or laughed about.

"As you are all now aware," Dumbledore said clearly, "a tragedy occurred within these very halls last night. Before I get to that, however, it has been requested that I clear up a few details. Firstly, Mr. Ethan Young is neither dead nor in a coma. He is, Madam Pomfrey tells me, absolutely healthy. Also healthy, and furthermore unharmed, is Mr. James Potter. Neither Mr. Sirius Black nor Miss Alison Marren are about to be taken away to Azkaban. In fact, I find it necessary to stress that no murder occurred here last night of any kind.

"However, as many of you have now heard, Miss Robin Thorsen of Ravenclaw House was discovered dead in the night. Madam Pomfrey has declared her cause of death as a drug overdose, and I am only telling you all of this because there is such a prevalent rumor already circulating that she was killed by another student. Her death appears to be purely accidental, but no less tragic for that fact."

I looked over at the Gryffindor table where Cherry was staring blankly at the empty plate in front of her, shivering. She looked so small, so lost. Sirius was watching her too, and I was sure that all he wanted was to hold her. I wasn't sure why he wasn't, but we'd have a talk about that later.

"Miss Thorsen was a natural at Charms," Professor Dumbledore continued, "and Professor Flitwick said that even when she was misbehaving, it was hard not to be proud that such a talented mind had been a part of his House. She was a creative person and a loyal friend. I ask that we have a moment of silence in her memory."

That wasn't a tall order, as the Hall was already silent but for Dumbledore's voice. That moment was long and tense, and it occurred to me that Robin Thorsen was only the first.

Outside those walls, a war was going on. People had already lost parents, siblings, friends. Robin's death hadn't been war-related, but I began to wonder how many of ours would be. Lily and Marlene would fight. Ashley probably would. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter by extension. Grace and Mary likely wouldn't fight. Would Cherry? Would I?

Professor Dumbledore dismissed us to our days and I buttered my toast with a shaky hand. Remus came over to sit with me and Grace muttered that she forgot one of her books, getting up and leaving. Ashley sighed.

"You're lucky, you know," she said to me. "When you two got together, she nearly joined forces with Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum. Anyway… just be careful. I know Emily has been feeding a lot of the rumors about Thorsen's death to younger students. At best, they'll be frightened, but some of the Ravenclaw third years have already expressed interest in vigilante justice. Probably Camilla West's doing."

I nodded as Remus slipped his arm around my waist.

"Sirius is really worried about Cherry," Remus said softly. "She's absolutely in shock. Something tells me that Young's assault wasn't helpful."

"What _did_ happen?" Ashley pressed. I opened my mouth to tell her off for gossiping again, but she hastily continued, "Ali, I know you're trying to protect her, but the truth being told can't do any harm at this point, and it might even good a bit of good."

I sighed. She was right, of course. Ashley would work to combat the rumors with the truth if only for my sake, and she was someone people listened to and trusted.

"Lily and James found Cherry finding her friend while they were on patrol. They took her to the hospital wing for her shock. Madam Pomfrey went to deal with the body and James, surprisingly, came to tell Sirius and me what happened. We ran to the hospital wing and met Madam Pomfrey at the door. Sirius forced his way in and the next thing I remember was the sound of fighting. Sirius said that Ethan was on top of her, ripping her clothes off her, but that she was still catatonic with shock."

Ashley snorted.

"Obviously," she said. "Even Cherry Clark has standards."

We all chuckled humorlessly and I said, "Yeah, but after Madam Pomfrey tried to get Sirius to stop trying to kill Ethan by yelling at him for a while, Cherry said Sirius's name and he dropped the fight and just held her."

"That's so sweet," Ashley cooed.

Leave it to Ashley to find the 'sweet' in attempted rape and assault.

"Anyway, that's what happened," I sighed. "Cherry's still essentially catatonic from what Lily and I have observed, Sirius didn't get detention because Dumbledore said he was, and I quote, 'chivalrously defending a fellow student', Ethan's got detention for the rest of the year, and from what I hear the only reason he wasn't expelled is that his mommy through a hissy fit and his step-dad paid off a bunch of people to put pressure on Dumbledore because he wanted to appease his wife. Same old story."

"You know," Ashley whispered, leaning in, "between the attack on Mary and Cherry's near-rape, that's a growing number of students _proven_ to be dangerous still wandering the halls. And we all know Camilla West is a few quick hops off insane. We really need to stick together, now."

She was right, of course, and the thought was on my mind all day. All through class, I thought about Grace and Mary, the two most obvious easy targets in our year, and realized they weren't much weaker than me. Who's to say I wouldn't be next?

It made me reevaluate everything.

Remus and I sat by the fire in the empty Gryffindor common room during the last period of the day, which we both had off. His face was cuddled into my neck and I couldn't help but think about how right everything felt with him, how natural. Sirius and I had never set strict rules on anything physical, just that things would happen when I felt 'ready'. But I think somewhere in the back of our minds, we both of our minds, we knew I wouldn't feel ready with Sirius ever.

Everything was different with Remus. It wasn't that I was spending every night in his bed, or anything, but I found myself almost _wanting_ him, _wishing_ his hands would wander just a little bit, just to see if it felt as good as I thought it would.

But Remus had always been too much of a gentleman for his own good. At least, I was pretty sure that was why Remus had been almost frustratingly gentlemanly.

"Remus," I whispered, turning to face him. He unburied his face from my neck and pressed his forehead to mine. "You don't have to gentle with me anymore. I'm stronger than I used to be. I won't break."

He frowned a little.

"What do you mean?"

I took his hand and he moved to wrap his fingers around mine, but I surprised him by placing his hand on my breast. His eyes widened a little, and when I let go to grab his other hand, he made to release it, but I hastily pressed it back in place before putting his other hand on my other breast.

"Ali," he said huskily, clearing his throat, obviously nervous, "I don't think–"

"Am I not pretty enough?" I whispered, trying to keep the tears from welling up, thinking my worst fears were true: I wasn't good enough even for Remus, who had seemed to be so perfect.

"No," he said firmly. "Ali, love, you're gorgeous. You're absolutely perfect. It's me, Ali." He looked so pained as he whispered, "I'm a monster."

I frowned. What did that mean? Remus was the sweetest, gentlest, most caring person I had ever met. How could he be a monster? What had he done that I didn't know about?

"Just… just tell me," I managed to say finally. "It can't be as bad as all that."

_I hope._

His golden eyes were rimmed with tears. I nearly shook with terror. What had he done?

He finally kissed my hands, and without looking me in the eye, he whimpered, "I want you to know that I love, Ali, and I think I've loved you since I met you and it took me a while to realize it. But you mean the world to me. You have to know that." I braced myself for the worst as he took a deep breath and continued, "I'm a werewolf."

Oh my – wait, what? Not cheating. He wasn't cheating on me. He… what?

"You haven't cheated on me?" I asked dumbly.

His eyes snapped up to meet mine and he said, "Never. I love you, Ali. You're perfect. I – I adore you."

Werewolf.

Now that the relief of not being cheated on had worn off a bit, I realized what he had actually meant by 'monster'.

Werewolf.

"H-how long have… when – when were you bitten?"

I had to wrap my brain around it. I had to process it. He hadn't cheated on me. He wasn't a criminal. He hadn't become a Death Eater. He said he loved me. I had to wrap my brain around it; I had to stomach it, because this was something forgivable, something I could work past.

"I was a small child," he said, his voice shaking. "I was about five. I don't really remember life before lycanthropy."

"That must have been horrible," I whispered, thinking back to all of the things I'd read about werewolf attacks for my advanced magical creatures essays: most small children didn't survive. "It explains your scars and such. What do you do on the full moon, then?"

He explained all about the truth of the Shrieking Shack and the Whomping Willow, how they had been put in for the purpose of making it possible for him to attend Hogwarts. I asked him to tell me about his transformations and he explained the excruciating, terrifying process and I couldn't help but hug him tightly and sob into his chest.

All of my problems looked like specks of insignificant dust by comparison, and it just wasn't fair. He was the best person I had ever known. He didn't deserve this.

"I would understand," he said slowly, "if you didn't… if you didn't want to be with me anymore…"

"No," I gasped. "Remus, I love you. The fact that you're a werewolf, that's a part of you, just another characteristic, like your sweet smile. It doesn't change anything between us."

"It should," he muttered.

"But it doesn't," I insisted, kissing him firmly.

At first, he tried to pull away, to not kiss me back, but I refused to let him, and it didn't take him long to surrender to the kiss.

It neared dinner time, and I realized what I had to do.

"I'll meet you at dinner," I whispered, kissing his cheek. "I just remembered something I've got to do."

He gave me a curious look, but I shook my head and rushed up to the seventh year girls' dormitory. I walked over to the nearly unused bed in the furthest part from Lily's, pulled out a quill, ink, and parchment from my bag, and began to hastily scribble a note:

_Cherry,_

_I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I would have told you to your face, but I wasn't sure how you'd take to that, considering everything that's gone on between us._

_But I wanted you to know, I've known Sirius a long time, and I've never seen him as scared as when James explained that you were catatonic in the hospital wing. I don't know how you feel about him, but it's obvious to me that he cares about you a great deal, and a great deal more than he ever could have cared about me. I hope the pair of you can work something out._

_As things stand at the moment, I miss the old Cherry a bit. Okay, a lot. You see, I've found myself in a situation where I need to discuss a sensitive topic, and not only are you the only person who could understand, but you're the only one I want to talk to._

_I'm not sure the kinds of things that slime ball told you before Sirius rearranged his face, but none of them are true, and I can guess. You didn't have it coming. None of what happened yesterday was your fault. You are a beautiful, confident, vibrant person, and I have to confess that you're everything I wanted to be but was too afraid to emulate._

_I'll never be you, Cherry, and losing Sirius was a painful reminder of that truth. But you're needed, and not just by me. Sirius needs you more than you could imagine._

_I suppose I'm probably the last person on earth you want to talk to now (maybe behind Lily, Professor McGonagall, and, hopefully, Young), but I'd like to talk to you, when you feel up to it. Just know that if there's anything I can do for you, let me know._

_Please get better._

_-Ali_

I folded up the parchment and placed it conspicuously on the bed, hoping she would find it and read it, not just toss it without opening it.

At dinner, I sat with Remus and watched Cherry, who was down the table a ways, staring at the long chicken leg on her plate blankly. Had she already lost weight?

She looked up at me for just a moment, and when our eyes met, I was struck by the emptiness I saw there. And what's more, her face was blank, her blonde hair fell limply around her features, and even her shoulders suggested some sort of defeat. I felt at a loss, and she turned away again before I could decide what sort of an expression might be a comfort to her, what she was looking for.

Sirius sat down across from us and sighed heavily.

"Apparently, Professor Dumbledore decided that Young was safer _not_ serving detention with James all term, so there goes all my hard work and planning. I was going to drive him slowly out of his mind. I need a Plan B."

"I think he's probably already out of his mind," I said softly. I had a sudden, unrelated thought. "Can I borrow your lunar calendar, either of you?"

"I don't have one," Sirius said grimly. "I've got the cycles memorized."

He looked questioningly at Remus.

"She knows about the furry little problem," Remus said.

"Ah," Sirius muttered, piling chicken onto his plate. "I'll discuss with the boys, then. I think she ought to know the whole of it, but James will be hesitant."

"Not if we let him tell Lily," Remus reasoned. "He's been begging to show her."

"Good point," Sirius said with a small smirk. "To answer your question, Ali," he continued as he reached for the gravy, "the full moon's fifteen days away."

I caught him looking at Cherry and wanted to ask him about her, but decided better of it. Everything was still so fresh, and Sirius was so impulsive. He needed time for reflection.

"Tell me what?" I asked, pulling back the conversation to that point of something James might not want me to know.

"We'll tell you when I convince James it's worth you knowing," Sirius said. "Don't worry, it's nothing bad… but it's something that has to be kept very quiet, so we all have to feel it's worth the risk before telling anyone."

"Are you going to tell Cherry?" I asked before I could stop myself.

He gave me a sad sort of smile and said softly, "One step at a time, Marren. At the rate the world is working against me, I'd hazard a guess at no."

I spent the rest of the night hoping Cherry would accept my attempts to help, for her sake, for Sirius's sake, and for the sake of my admittedly fragile sense of self.


	24. Coming Back to Life

Have you ever had one of those moments when you're awake but not? When it's like you're literally sleepwalking through your life, just going through the motions and not feeling anything? I was tired of it. I hated living like this. I'd been numb long enough. That was what caused this whole issue, wasn't it? Trying to be numb? Wasn't that why Robin'd gone to heroin in the first place? Wasn't that why I was too drunk to talk her out of it and tell her how dangerous it was? I didn't want to be numb anymore. I'd used to think that emotions could be the devil. How could so much pain and suffering be any good to anyone? Pain was just pain whether it was emotional or physical. What do you do when you break an arm? You take a potion away to make the pain stop. With that mentality it wasn't hard for me to transpose that idea to emotional pain. If your heart hurts then take a shot of Firewhiskey or a magic white pill to make the pain stop. It seemed simple enough. Pain was bad and numb was better. It wasn't until I realized how truly fragile life is that I realized otherwise. Other than a beating heart, emotions were one of the only things that truly separate the living from the dead. When I die I know that I won't feel happiness or sadness or anger again. Humans only have such a short period of time on this earth so why should I start acting like I was dead before I really was?

On the inside I was alive but on the outside... I acted like the walking dead. It was isolating to say the least. It was like everyone assumed that if they got too close to me that they'd turn into a zombie too. I just didn't know how to act, how to react. I'd spent nearly my whole life being one person with one personality. I was Cherry Clark, bad ass extraordinaire. All of a sudden I couldn't be that person anymore. My desire to rebel practically melted away within minutes of finding Robin in that cupboard. My lifestyle was over. I'd never drink or smoke or pop pills again. I'd hadn't realized how much that'd defined who I was. Now I felt like I was in some sort of limbo. It was like looking at myself and telling myself that I had to change but not knowing how or what to. I'd been this one specific type of person so long that any other possibility just seemed foreign and I was in over my head.

How to people move on when they lose a loved one? I still couldn't understand why the sun was still shining, the birds were still singing and everyone else just seemed to go on with their lives. How could the world just not care? It was like the world was still revolving but I was stuck in a standstill. I couldn't make myself go on, no matter how much I wanted to. I wanted to keep living but I didn't know how to anymore. The life I knew I knew how to lead was over, dead. Where was I supposed to go from there? How was I supposed to get there? For all of my spiels about how independent I was I'd never really had to go anything alone. I'd always had Robin since my first day. She and I had been glued to each others' hips since our very first train ride to Hogwarts. Now I was alone. I'd thought I'd had Sirius for a short time but since I got discharged from the Hospital Wing he practically vanished. I'd supposed he just assumed that he'd done his part and I guess I couldn't blame him. After what happened with me and Marren I was sure he hated me anyways.

How did I get here? How did I get to a point in my life where I'd really only had one real friend? Now she was gone and I felt like an island in the middle of the ocean who'd stupidly burnt all the other bridges in its youth. How could I have been this stupid? Why did I alienate everyone? Why did I pick the wrong mates? I had so many questions but it was like I was never going to ever have any answers. I suppose it didn't really matter why I'd done things in the past. The past was gone, my mistakes were done and I would just have to find out a way to move on instead of just kicking myself for things I should have done. It wouldn't change anything.

Robin's funeral was going to be in a few days. Her parents had never really liked me but they invited me all the same. Robin was like me, she didn't have many friends and she had estranged relationships with her family. There wouldn't be many people at the funeral and if there were then most of them probably would only be there as a custom practice, spewing out non-heartfelt condolences to the grieving family. I didn't want to go. Her parents had always thought I was the devil and I was dragging Robin down to hell with me. They might have invited me but I knew that deep down they really didn't want me to go and I couldn't blame them. They'd never come to terms with Robin and who she'd turned out to be. The shock of her death was bound to lead them to pointing fingers at me for her "corruption" and eventual death. I didn't want to subject myself to that sort of blind hate by going to a funeral I wasn't really wanted at.

Merlin, Robin would have never forgiven me for this. She wouldn't have been bothered by the fact that I didn't attend her funeral. She hated spending time with her family and she'd have never wanted me to be subjected to that sort of torture. She would never have forgiven me for all this moping about though. That was one of the many things I loved about the girl. She never let life get in her way. If she saw a mountain then she would climb it without any hesitation. It was like she was born without fear and she'd never bothered to learn how to be afraid. I'd been pretending to be fearless for years but it was Robin who had the nerve between the two of us. She'd be ashamed to see me living like this. She'd always told me that life was for the living and to leave death to the dead. I suppose that was easy for her to say considering she'd never been to a funeral a day in her life and never had someone she cared about die. It's easy to have beliefs when they go unchallenged.

I knew how Robin would react if she'd been in my position. She'd have thrown a party to honor the dead and celebrate life. How would my mother have reacted? Well, if I made the huge assumption that my mother was capable of emotions, then I would have to say she'd probably soldier on. She'd go to the funeral, do her duty to the dead and keep that grief bottled up and buried. My father would have probably drank himself silly but since I was swearing off my old lifestyle it didn't seem befitting to get smashed when I needed to sober up. I wasn't going to "do my duty" like my mother and I wasn't going to party it up like Robin so I suppose I would have to make some sort of compromise. I'd have to keep living like Robin would want me to, just not in the same impulsive, extravagant lifestyle, and I'd temper it with my mother's sense of perseverance, but I wasn't going to the funeral and I wasn't going to bottle up any guilt.

It was easy to say what I was going to do but it was harder to actually do it. I needed a sign, something to point me in the right direction. Anything to just give me a starting point. I'd never exactly been a woman with direction and I was going to need some assistance to help my feet to start trudging in the right direction.

It was right around the time I decided I was in need of some sort of sign from the universe that I rolled onto my side. There was the faint sound of parchment crunching on the bed underneath me. I hadn't taken parchment to bed in months. It wasn't like I'd been staying up all night doing Transfiguration homework or whatever. Curiosity got the best of me and I pulled the parchment from underneath me, unsure about what I would find. I didn't recognize the handwriting so I inquisitively began to read it.

_Cherry,_

_I'm truly sorry for the loss of your friend. I would have told you to your face, but I wasn't sure how you'd take to that, considering everything that's gone on between us._

_But I wanted you to know, I've known Sirius a long time, and I've never seen him as scared as when James explained that you were catatonic in the hospital wing. I don't know how you feel about him, but it's obvious to me that he cares about you a great deal, and a great deal more than he ever could have cared about me. I hope the pair of you can work something out._

_As things stand at the moment, I miss the old Cherry a bit. Okay, a lot. You see, I've found myself in a situation where I need to discuss a sensitive topic, and not only are you the only person who could understand, but you're the only one I want to talk to._

_I'm not sure the kinds of things that slime ball told you before Sirius rearranged his face, but none of them are true, and I can guess. You didn't have it coming. None of what happened yesterday was your fault. You are a beautiful, confident, vibrant person, and I have to confess that you're everything I wanted to be but was too afraid to emulate._

_I'll never be you, Cherry, and losing Sirius was a painful reminder of that truth. But you're needed, and not just by me. Sirius needs you more than you could imagine._

_I suppose I'm probably the last person on earth you want to talk to now (maybe behind Lily, Professor McGonagall, and, hopefully, Young), but I'd like to talk to you, when you feel up to it. Just know that if there's anything I can do for you, let me know._

_Please get better._

_-Ali_

I could feel myself smiling. I'd forgotten I even knew how to smile. My cheeks actually hurt from using muscles I hadn't used in such a long time. Oh Marren. She was just so... genuinely innocent and sincere. How had I really duped myself into hating her? I mean, the whole Sirius thing ended badly between us but it wasn't really her fault. I'd really known from the beginning how this was going to end. I'd just hadn't planned on having such strong feelings for him. I mean, at the beginning it was just something to do. I had never expected for me to get too involved. It was her fault, it was just my miscalculation.

What could she have needed to talk to me about? She and I hadn't been friendly for the longest time. Why would she need to talk to me instead of the Ginger Menace or McKinnon or that angry Hufflepuff girl? Well, I suppose there was only one way to find out.

For the first time in what felt like forever I managed to pull myself out of bed without the instant desire to crawl back under the covers again. Maybe this was really a start to something. It wasn't like I could be picky anyways. I'd asked for a sign, hadn't I? Well this was definitely a sign if I'd ever seen one. I wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth, whether it was a Hufflepuff or not. She seemed happy after all. Maybe Puffs had a better grasp in this whole happiness thing. Or at least they had a better grasp on it than I did but I suppose that wasn't saying much, especially since my happiness generally came at the bottom of a bottle.

Where would that Poof be anyways? I didn't know the password for the Hufflepuff Common Room so it wasn't like I was going to be able to track her down there. I also didn't know her class schedule so I couldn't stalk the corridors until her class got out and classes were already out for the day. If I were Marren where would I spend my free time? The answer was so obvious that it was almost blinding. The library, of course. She spent more time there than most Ravenclaws, but then again Ravenclaws are more naturally cunning and therefore don't need to study as much. I hated the library instinctively but I supposed that if I was going to turn over a new leaf that it'd be befitting that it happened in the place that the old me used to despise.

My feet began to practically work on their own, needing no directions for me to make them start heading towards the dusty old library. Sometimes I felt like it was a tomb for books. I mean, the only people who really went there were Marren and other few intellectuals but most of the people who spent their time in there were only there because all the broom cupboards were full. Surprisingly enough the library was the only place I hadn't gone to regularly for a snog. In fact, Sirius was the only person I'd ever kissed in there.

Memories of Sirius were always hard to swallow. Even my happiest memories of him always came with a side of melancholy. I mean, it was just a remainder of things that were never going to happen again. I'd burned that bridge along with the others. But maybe… Maybe if I started by repairing this bridge with Marren then maybe eventually I could start mending other bridges. I suppose I had to start somewhere.

I was a bit surprised to find Marren alone in the library. She was usually always surrounded by people. After what Young did to me it just seemed like everyone had closed ranks, especially around someone who was perceived as weak as she was. I guess the library was considered safe enough that she didn't need an escort.

"Wotcher Marren," I greeted her as I took a seat across from her at her table. She looked up at me, surprised. I was surprised too. I'd hadn't used my voice in a while but I hadn't expected it to be so gruff and husky. I sounded actually quite masculine.

"Cherry," she countered with a small, shocked nod. "I – I didn't expect you to – I left the note yesterday and you hadn't said anything. I thought you just tossed it."

I shook my head, "I just got it today. I'd have gotten it sooner but erm – I was in the Hospital Wing for the night. I took a bit of a fall down some stairs." I'd forgotten how exhausting just having a conversation was.

"I hadn't heard about that. Were you hurt pretty bad?" she inquired, sincerity obvious in every inch of her. I'd forgotten how just naturally genuine she was.

I shook my head again with a grimace-like smile, "No. They saw it as a suicide attempt rather than a moment of clumsiness. They just kept me overnight to keep me under surveillance or some other bullocks."

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat, "Erm – Are you? I mean, are you suicidal?"

I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle, "No. Just the opposite actually. Since everything happened life just seems more precious now. There's so much stuff Robin never got to do so now it's my job to do it for the both of us." I coughed uncomfortably, realizing that I'd probably shared more than I should have. "Anyways, enough about me. What did you want to want to talk me about?"

She paused for a moment, seeming to mull it over before answering, "You know what? It can wait. It's not that important?"

"Are you sure?" I inquired dubiously. "It doesn't have something to do with a certain Gryffindor Prefect, does it?"

She immediately turned right red and a goofy smile erupted onto her face at the mention of her Gryffindor lover, "Maybe." Maybe, huh? I'd take that look as a definite yes.

"So what's life like being Remus Lupin's girlfriend?" I was surprised but I found myself having missed gossip. Maybe not the same kind of gossip that most girls at Hogwarts liked to share (honestly, who would believe that I was in the Hospital Wing due to injuries inflicted while having a orgy with various professors?) but I felt like I'd been out of the loop for so long. That was a definite disadvantage for suddenly trying to rejoin the world after so long. There was so much I'd missed that it was going to take twice as much energy to catch up on the past and keep up with the present. Maybe I needed a nap before I undertook this all. My body just wasn't the way it used to be and I was getting tired so much faster now.

Her goofy smile melted into a grin, "It's good. It's so much more natural than being with Sirius. I just don't feel as awkward with him. Who would have known I'd been dating the wrong Marauder?"

"I did," I admitted. "Well, I figured that out once I started paying attention. Before you came to me with your brilliant plan I didn't think twice about it. I suppose there's an advantage to be outside of a situation and looking in. You get better perspective that way. Anyways, as soon as I started paying attention I had a feeling that you'd probably be a better match with one of the others. I didn't necessarily think I'd find you jumping to a new Marauder but I'm glad you're happy."

She got almost a sly look on her face. Since when did she have the ability to look so... mischievous? "So, speaking about the Marauders, have you talked to Sirius lately?"

I should have seen this coming. I should have known that Sirius and I would have been brought into the conversation. I don't know why I let myself be blindsided by it. Apparently I was more rusty with my conversation and social skills than I'd thought. "I haven't spoken to him since the first time I was in the Hospital Wing."

"But - But why?" She looked almost like a five year old that just couldn't seem to the logic in something. Her eyes were wide and curious while looking attentive and anxious for my answer. So this was why I'd found her so endearing. Sometimes it felt like speaking to a small child.

I shrugged uncomfortably, not enjoying all the emotions being kicked up at the mention of Sirius. I'd only been able to think his name and the ability to speak it or really think about him was still seemingly far away. "I don't think he wants to talk to me. I suppose I can't blame him. He did kind of get let high and dry when everything went down after the party. He's been avoiding me since I got released from the Hospital Wing so I just decided to leave him alone."

"Are you stupid?" she demanded. I couldn't help but let out an uncontrollable fit of laughter, nearly falling out of my seat. She didn't seem to see the same humor I saw. "What? What's so funny?" she inquired.

"I just help but think about when we first met," I told her, my eyes tearing up from all my laughter. "Merlin, you nearly pissed your pants just talking to me. Now look at you. You've actually grown yourself a backbone. I'm impressed."

A proud grin managed to dance its way across her lips, "You're right. I never would have talked to you like this. What happened?"

"Your ego deflated once you got out a loveless relationship where you kept getting cheated on and I got more grounded at the loss of my best friend," I replied bluntly with a shrug. "Kind of sad, isn't it? How much it took to get us here? Merlin, it feels like its been years since you came to me. It makes me feel so old."

She gave me an almost sympathetic look. Well that one was new. I wasn't used to getting those kinds of looks from here. She reached across the table and squeezed my hand supportively. Yeah, either she'd really gone a spine or she had replaced by some sort of lookalike because this was not the girl I remembered. "Why don't you come with me to dinner?" she suggested. "You look like you haven't eaten in days and it'll be good with you to socialize with the world again."

Hey, look at that. I was right. She really was turning out to be the sign pointing me towards rejoining the world. "You know, I think you might just be right."


	25. These Worlds Collide

**A/N: I apologize for the delay. Life was crazier than I anticipated, and apparently I need sleep? Crazy, I know. SOOOO…. Here's the chapter! The song, BTW, isn't exactly descriptive of the chapter, but it felt like the perfect Remus/Ali Sirius/Cherry ship son, so THAT'S WHAT MADE MY CUT. Deal.**

**-J**

"_If feel so alive tonight. You've got me feeling sublime. I want to yell it from the rooftops down until it's over, and we're older… How do we pretend everything's all right? And how do we stay here? Do we erase all the fear inside?... So take me, but go slow. Let me hide somewhere I know and let this seed grow until we finally call this home… If I was to die tonight would it tear you apart?" - Seether, Tonight_

I didn't feel that my talk with Cherry had much forward motion to it, but it _did_ hold a fair amount of promise. After all, she had talked to me. We couldn't accomplish anything without talking.

How my life had become such a bundle of tasks I needed to accomplish, I didn't know, but I found myself needing to set up Sirius and Cherry, figure out how to proceed with Remus, and somehow pass my N.E.W.T.s. I wasn't Lily Evans. I wasn't Cherry Clark. I was just Ali Marren, so how was I supposed to do it all?

All I could do was my best. I decided to focus on one thing at a time. Cherry would be more likely to help me if she were happier, and she would be more likely to be happier if she and Sirius were together. So that was my first task, I decided.

But Remus, seemingly, had other ideas.

It was nearly curfew when I got his owl, begging me to meet him at the astronomy tower in thirty minutes. I frowned, checking the time. Even as prefects, it would be cutting it rather fine, but I wanted to see him so badly that I broke down and put on a cloak over my night clothes and made my way to the tower.

Remus was sitting on the ledge students put their school things on during class, playing with a little flame he'd made with his wand and watching it thoughtfully. He started a little when I slid in beside him. Then he smiled at me and I was glad I'd decided to meet him.

"Hey, Ali," he whispered, kissing my lips gently.

"Hey," I whispered back. "What's up? Shouldn't we be getting ready for bed?"

I could see, even in the moonlight, that he'd turned a bit pink. He brushed a bit of my hair behind my ear and kissed my cheek.

"In a couple of days, I've got to go away for a few days. I just needed to see you while I'm still myself, before I get moody and difficult to be around and–"

I cut off his words with a kiss. If he was leaving me soon, I wanted to spend as much time with him as possible, not listening to him blather on. I must have caught him by surprise, because at first he stiffened, but soon he was responding with fervor, pressing me against the stone wall, his tongue exploring my mouth.

With a surge of inspiration, I pressed my body against his, arching my back a little, attempting to get as much pressure between our torsos as possible. At first he tried to pull back a little bit, but as I would one hand up in his hair I took one of his hands in my other hand, moving it to my breast.

It didn't take too long for him to begin to relax and respond a bit to my physical pressure, his hands roaming my body, his mouth exploring my neck. Unlike with Sirius, it felt addictively good, and I found myself needing more, begging him not to stop.

My fingers had just begun to explore underneath his shirt when he pulled back firmly, visibly attempting to calm himself, attempting to restrain himself, which was exactly the opposite of what I wanted him to do.

"Ali," he whimpered, "I do want you. You have to know that. This is really hard for me, but it can't be like this, here and now. I'm too close to the full moon and I could so easily lose control and hurt you, and I'd never forgive myself, love. Besides, you deserve better than a stone ledge of the astronomy tower. I want it to be special, Ali. Promise me you'll let it go for now? We can revisit the idea when I get back, but until then it's just not going to be safe."

I didn't want to, but I agreed with his pleading because he just looked so pathetically adorable and desperate that I had to. Besides, his constant concern for my well-being was sweet, and while I tried to convince myself that it was unnecessary, my recent track record of taking care of myself was abysmal, to say the least. Would it be so bad to let him take care of me for a bit?

No, I decided. It wouldn't be bad at all. Especially since I clearly needed time to form a more solid plan.

I said goodnight to Remus not long after that because it was clear he was incredibly tired. When I snuck into my dormitory, Ashley was sitting on my bed, wide awake, eyebrows raised questioningly.

With a sigh, I pulled the curtains around us and she did a nonverbal charm so we didn't wake the other girls.

"Midnight trysts, Ali?" she said, clearly amused. "This isn't like you, you know."

"I realize," I responded dryly. "You know, Remus and I are prefects and thereby allowed to be out of bed after hours."

"Yeah, for patrolling, not for snogging and shagging in secluded broom cupboards," she laughed.

I guess I must have blushed, because she gasped loudly.

"You weren't–"

"No," I snapped. "We weren't in a broom cupboard and there has yet to be any shagging."

Ashley bit her lip thoughtfully and said, "Well, since you didn't say otherwise I'll assume that's a yes on the snogging… Do you _want_ to shag him?"

But I didn't have to answer. My blush answered for me.

"Oh, Merlin, Ali!" she squealed. "You know, I've thought for a while that you two would be adorable together, and it turns out I was right!"

I had the strange sensation that I was a small kitten and a ribbon was being tied around my neck for Ashley's amusement. The thought was sickening and made me so angry that I had to remind myself that I wasn't actually upset with Ashley, who had done nothing wrong.

"So what's holding you back?" she asked.

I sighed, deciding to be honest.

"I need to discuss things with Cherry, but I can't until Cherry is happier. Cherry won't be happier until I fix her. I can't fix her until she and Sirius are together. And they can't be together until they actually speak to each other, but I have no idea how to get the ball rolling."

Ashley frowned.

"Hmm. That _is_ a bit of a problem. Remember when your life was simple?"

We both laughed.

"Well," she sighed, "I guess you just have to force them to sit down and talk."

"Right," I said, rolling my eyes. "Because it's no problem at all, forcing two of the most stubborn, strong-willed people on the planet to do things they don't want to do. Brilliant plan."

Ashley snorted.

"I mean, you could always trap them in a room together."

"That–" I began harshly, but I cut off, a plan forming in my mind. "That actually might work. Ashley, you're a genius!"

She shrugged.

"I've been told. Now sleep!"

She left me alone, but I was far too excited to sleep. I had to make sure the whole thing was flawless, because if it wasn't, I would have two of the most strong-willed people in the world angry with me.

At least they might talk about their anger…

The following morning at breakfast, Remus and I sat down across from James and Lily, the latter beaming at us, the former grumbling a less-than-enthusiastic greeting. Marlene sat on James's other side and I decided the time was as good as any to strike.

"Is Sirius moping in bed again?" I asked sadly, and Remus nodded. "If only there were something we could do to cheer him up."

I went about buttering my toast thoughtfully, hoping my acting was better than I thought it was. When I could wait no longer, my countenance lit up and I dropped my toast dramatically.

"I think I've got something!" I cried, and the others blinked at me. Remus raised his eyebrows, clearly alarmed and suspicious, and James rolled his eyes, annoyed.

"Like you're the authority on cheering Sirius up," he grumbled. "It's all your fault, anyway."

Lily's fist came out of nowhere at about the same time Remus's did and James's face never really stood a chance.

"I was talking to myself!" he insisted in a while, clutching his bright red face, his glasses still miraculously intact, although a bit askew from the blows. "I've started doing that sometimes, there was really no need to assault me!"

We all rolled our eyes, knowing he was lying through his teeth.

"What's your plan?" Lily asked kindly, turning to me and ignoring her boyfriend's whimpers of pain.

"I was thinking we could lock him in a room with Cherry," I said, casually as I could muster.

Remus and Marlene exchanged uncertain looks. James began howling with uncontrollable laughter, and Lily's face contorted with a very purple sort of rage.

"Clark?" she hissed, clearly trying to keep herself funder some semblance of control. "Isn't that what started this whole mess in the first place?"

I gave myself a few moments to collect myself, get it under control, and I finally took a deep breath and said, "Look, they're miserable, the pair of them. I know they'd both be a lot happier if they just talked to each other, but I've got to get them together to pull that off."

Lily snorted.

"I don't know what Clark's got to be depressed about. She's the home wrecker in this equation."

Furious, I stuck my butter knife in the table and said, "Lily, her best friend just died, so stop being such an insensitive bitch!" Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped, but I wasn't finished. "Try imagining for a split second that you were sure James hated you and then Marlene died! That's what Cherry is going through right now, so excuse me if I don't find your petty rivalry to be of the utmost importance at the moment!"

I got the sense that a lot of people were staring at me, shocked. Briefly, I wondered if this was how it had been when I was under the influence of the numb, but I didn't really have time to dwell on that. I stood up, still feeling a bit dramatic, and glared down at all of them.

"Fine," I snapped. "If you won't help me trap them, I'll do it by myself! I don't need any help from you unsentimental jerks!"

As I stormed off I heard James say, "Told you she was barmy."

There was a sound of smacking and another yelp of pain and I retreated to the Charms courtyard to plan my solitary attack. What was the one thing Sirius and Cherry both enjoyed immensely?

Skipping class. That was easy.

Now how to convince them to skip class at the same time in the same place?

I wandered down the nearest corridor, found an empty classroom and made note of where it was. Then I settled down at one of the empty desks, pulled out a piece of parchment, a quill, and ink, and bit my cheek thoughtfully.

_Cherry,_

_I need your help, right away. I'm sorry, you'll have to miss class, but I have a serious problem no one else can help me with. Meet me in the third classroom on the right down the Charms corridor going away from the courtyard as soon as you can._

_-Ali_

I read it over about three times, decided it would get her there, and made another copy with Sirius's name at the top. I ran down to the Owlery as fast as my feet would carry me and sent them off, rushing back to the classroom I had specified. Frantically, I hid behind the door, listening carefully for the approach of footsteps.

It took about ten minutes for the first pair. I saw a flash of blonde and Cherry barged through the open door, panting, looking around in a frenzy. When she didn't see me, she pulled out the note, reading it over to be sure she was in the right place. That left just enough time for…

"Sirius," she said slowly and suspiciously as he rushed in. "Lemme guess, you got an urgent letter from Marren too?"

"Yeah," he gasped. "Where is she?"

"Not here," Cherry snarled. "But I think I can guess what this is about."

Their eyes met and I could see the stubbornness on their faces. I would need to make my move quickly.

"What's to keep us from just walking right back out of that door?" she pointed out.

I flung the door shut, revealing my hiding place and facing their angry expressions.

"Me," I said, matter-of-fact. "This is how this is going to work. You two are going to sit in this room and work things out. You two are going not going to leave this room until you have come to being friends at the very least."

"What makes you think we'll stay?" Cherry snapped.

"I charmed the door," I lied. "Only I can open and close it until you have come to a genuine mutual understanding of friendship at the very least. I'd suggest working it out fast, because I'm not giving you toilet breaks _or_ bringing you food."

I cast a shield charm to keep Cherry from trying to charge me as I opened the door to leave them alone, then closed the door on their furious faces with a grin, locked it magically, and settled down across the hall.

"This isn't funny, Marren!" Cherry shrieked. "It's not even legal!"

"Oh, like you care about the law," I retorted.

"You could probably get expelled for this! It's kidnapping!"

"And you think anyone would believe you, either one of you, against me?"

That was one thing being friends with Ashley had taught me. Having a clean record made it easier to keep clean even after breaking the rules.

"Anyway, you'll thank me one day!" I called, silently praying that the day in question would come sooner rather than later, for the sake of my love life and everyone's happiness and sanity.

And then I counted stones in the wall, waiting.

**A/N: It's a bit short, I know, but I had to turn it over to Evan. It just needed to end there. Will the work it out? Wait and see. ;)**

**-J**


	26. Uphill, Downhill, Too Many Hills

I could have killed her. I could have legitimately killed her. Why had I been so nice to her in the first place? Maybe I couldn't blame her for ruining my life with the original Sirius thing but this was undeniably her fault. How could she put me in such an awkward position anyways? What the hell did she think she was helping anyways?

I uncomfortably crossed my arms in front of me. I was so angry I couldn't even think straight. What did she possibly think was going to come out of this? Well, other than her death warrant. What right did she think she had to put me in this position anyways? I sat on the edge of the front desk, feeling an enormous amount of discomfort. Of all the uncomfortable situations I'd been in this probably took the cake as the worst. I mean, who could honestly say that they enjoy being locked against their will in a room with a bloke who hates them yet they still have romantic feelings for? Nobody in their right mind at least.

I stared outside the window, trying to distract myself from the obvious tension of the room. I could see the trees outside and I was surprised how bare they were. Was the season really that close to winter? How distracted did I have to be to completely miss the fact that the trees had already shed their leaves for the year? I suppose I really shouldn't have been surprised by my obliviousness. I hadn't really been that observant, even since before everything that happened that year. Before Marren brought me into her drama and before what happened with Robin I still hadn't been very aware of what was going on around me. I must have gotten my tendency to forget about everyone else in the world from my parents. They'd never really been very aware either. Looking back, Wen was probably worse than them. The horrid, selfish bastard!

"We should probably be pretending to make a truce," Sirius' gruff voice brought me back to reality. I turned to look at him, surprised to hear him speak. He hadn't seen anything since Marren locked us in. "The sooner we make her think we're on good terms, the sooner she lets us out and the sooner you can go back to hating me in peace."

I was more than a little taken back by his assumption that I hated him. I'd hadn't done anything that came off even vaguely hostile, had I? I mean, I threatened to get Marren expelled for locking me into a room with him but that was because this was awkward, not because I resented him. I probably couldn't have brought myself to if I tried.

The old me would have rolled my eyes at him, insulted his intelligence and informed him that I didn't hate people for being idiots so he was safe. This new, more tired me, however, was less aggressive. "I don't hate you," I replied matter-of-factly.

He snorted, looking at me dubiously, "I don't believe you."

I shrugged, "Fine, think whatever you want. It doesn't matter anyways." I turned my attention back to the window, staring back at the bald trees.

"Yes it does!" he argued with a sense of passion that I didn't have the energy to match. Just being in the same room was him zapped me of too much energy from me to even try to argue with him. Between the emotional tailspin I was in from being around him and yelling at Marren I just too tired to play these pointless games. It didn't matter if I hated him because he hated me. Even if I could persuade him I didn't hate him then it still wouldn't change our situation. I didn't have enough energy anymore to waste on such pointless things.

I sighed, "Sirius, can't we just get out of here already? Can we please just focus on persuading Marren to let out of here?"

"No!" he refused stubbornly, his habit of being thick-skinned flaring up. "I'm not leaving here until you explain."

I groaned. Why did he have to be so infuriating? I really didn't have the attention for this or the time for him to raise my blood pressure. "What do you want me to explain? If you want something just tell me so we can both be on our way before Hogwarts gets two new ghosts."

"I want to know what happened."

"Which 'what'? There's a lot of 'what's in the world so perhaps you could be a little more specific," I snapped, feeling a sense of frustration I'd hadn't felt in a long time.

"What happened with Marren," he retorted. "Tell me why you agreed to any of this in the first place."

I didn't need any more specification than that. Immediately I decided to tell him the truth, the whole truth and the hell to any consequences. "Because I felt bad for her," I replied angrily. "I saw a silly little girl who was never going to wake up to reality until something smacked her in the face with it. I figured that considering at that point she didn't have a spine that it took a lot of courage for her to come and ask me for her help. I figured if I told her no then she'd stay in her unhappy relationship forever."

"Oh so you were saving her from me?" he scoffed. Merlin, I'd forgotten how much a pain in the arse he could be sometimes.

"I was saving her from herself, you idiot," I retorted hotly. "If you hadn't noticed before that she didn't have enough self esteem to realize anything. I was saving her from spending the rest of her life with her head stuck in the sand. If you hadn't noticed, it worked. She's finally got a backbone, no thanks to you. Shouldn't you be thanking me for saving you from a loveless relationship, anyways?" Alright, maybe the old Cherry was instinctively coming back to the surface. "Besides, she seems to be better for it too. She seems quite fond of Lupin."

"That's not the point!" he argued.

I sighed, feeling my blood pressure beginning to rise and my usual desire to snog him was replaced by the desire to throttle him. "What is the point then? What is this all about, huh? If you're brassed off about something then I wish you'd just tell what it is so that we can get this over with."

"Who says I'm brassed off?"

"So you're not angry?" I inquired dubiously.

"Of course I'm angry! Do you realize what you've done?" he demanded.

I felt the sudden urge to pull my own hair out. This was getting us absolutely nowhere. I didn't remember him to be so ridiculous and foolhardy. "Fine! What is it you want from me, huh? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do for this whole nightmare to be over, huh? That I'm sorry? That I'll never co-conspire with any of your future girlfriends? What do you want from me?"

His expression softened from the hardheaded irritation I saw before. "I just - I just want you to have missed me as much as I missed you."

That was definitely not something I'd had expected. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn't think of any words to say so I closed it soon after. I opened it again but it resulted in the same results. I didn't know what to say. I'd braced myself from him to be angry, not act like this. I opened and closed my mouth so frequently and so rapidly I probably looked like a fish out of water. "But you - You hate me," I ended up telling him lamely.

He let out a rather unattractive snort, "Hate you? I wish I could. It would make things easier, wouldn't it? If I could just be angry with you and leave it at that?" He let out a heavy sigh. "Well I suppose if I'm going to muck this up then I might as well do it right, huh? How could you think I could even comprehend the idea of hating you? You think we'd be in this mess if I could just despise you and go on with my life? I can't even try. I'm not even sure I would if I could."

"I - I don't understand," I admitted, feeling a bit helpless and out of the loop. I suppose that goes without saying. The blank look was probably enough for him to realize that I was having trouble putting the pieces together.

"Cherry Clark, sometimes I wonder which one of us is really the thicker one. Do you think I'd try to kill Young for anyone? Do you think I'd stay at the Hospital Wing twenty four hours a day for just anybody?"

"But - But you left," I pointed out rather stupidly.

"I had to," he replied in a soft tone. "I thought I could handle it. I thought I could manage standing by your side through your entire disdain for me. I thought it didn't matter as long as I kept you safe. I thought that as long as I could make your pain go away that it would be enough for me. I guess I overestimated myself. Alexander was always coming into the Hospital Wing to look for you and it was too painful. When Pomfrey discharged you I saw a chance to leave with only minimal feelings of guilt. I figured you'd survived the worst of it and you'd get your bearing back in no time. Now that I look back I realize it was all me just trying to make myself feel better for leaving."

I didn't know what to say. I'd really convinced myself that he hated me. I'd been so sure after the night at the party that he'd had to have hated me for everything that happened. It was like my brain was still refusing to put the pieces together, despite how obvious it seemed to fit. My mind was so full of questions I felt like I was going to explode as each one of them fought to get out. "What does Riley have to do with all of this?" Really? Of all the questions that I manage to let escape and it's that one?

He let out a gruff laugh, not anything like the canine-like laugh I'd grown to adore and eventually miss. This one was more bitter and dry-humored, "Do you remember when we talked about my jealousy towards your relationship with Alexander? Do you really think it stopped just because of what happened at the party? I can't turn my emotions off as easily as I'd like to, Cherry. Trust me, if I could then I would have stopped the suffering a while ago."

"I – I still don't understand," I admitted feebly.

He groaned, shaking his head at me with an exasperated smile, "I love you, you dolt."

I felt kind of like someone who'd been trying to complete a puzzle for a horridly long time and then someone else came in and pointed out where the missing piece went like it were obvious. It really was obvious, wasn't it? I suppose I should have really been able to put the pieces together. "Oh."

He snorted and shook his head at me, "What am I going to do with you?"

If he could put it all out there and admit to loving me when he thought I hated him in return then I could return the favor. I decided then and there to start acting like the Gryffindor I was and not some pathetic Hufflepuff. Just because I'd helped Ali get a spine didn't mean I'd automatically lose my own. I determinedly pushed myself off of the desk, marching up to him with a purpose. He looked at me with silent surprise. I wrapped my arms around him in one fell swoop. I breathed him in, inhaling in his scent like I was never going to get an opportunity to do this again.

"Is this pity or you not the only idiot here?" he inquired apprehensively, his arms at his side.

"Love, have you ever looked at our school? We've got so many idiots here we're practically overflowing," I pointed out.

A grin slowly erupted on his face. "You love me back," he commented with his grin practically taking over his entire face. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I countered.

"I thought you hated me," he told me, squeezing me firmly against him. "It was hard enough being away from you. I knew I couldn't risk being rejected. It would have killed me."

"Well I thought you hated me for everything that I did with Marren," I admitted. "I'd just hoped I could forget about all of it. Turns out that attempt became a whole disaster and it caused me to turn into an alcoholic. It was an apparently impossible attempt."

"Tell me what happened," he requested. "Tell me everything that happened after you left that night. It might help me understand."

"Well it's a long story so you might want to sit down," I informed him.

I felt him let go of me, causing me to let out a wordless groan of complaint. He gave me a consoling smile, pulling his wand from his back pocket. He did a fancy bit of wand work, Transfiguring a desk into a couch. I was impressed. Maybe I could have learned to do something like that too if I'd bothered going to Transfiguration regularly but I'd been too drunk lately to go and if McGonagall had caught me she'd have expelled me.

He took a seat on the couch, beckoning me to take a seat next to him. I didn't need much persuasion. Though it was an extremely hard story to tell, I was so excited to have him back in my life I would have told him anything he wanted to know. "Where would you like me to start and where would you like me to end?"

"From when you left that night to when Ali brought you here," he answered.

I nodded, trying to remember everything that was memorable enough to need mentioning. "After I left I fell apart. I just couldn't function anymore. I felt incredibly guilty and I knew I couldn't go back to Gryffindor Tower without Evans trying to kill me in my sleep. I ended up in Ravenclaw Tower with Robin. She dragged me to lunch the next day. That was when I saw Marren with Lupin for the first time. She looked so incredibly happy and I felt like I'd gotten the short end of the stick. I'd done this for her and she was so happy and free because of it while I was completely miserable. I blamed her for everything. I didn't realize until much later that I was the one who I was really angry at, not her. Anyways, seeing her be so happy made something snap inside of me. That's when I turned to trying to forget you in all the wrong ways.

"Pills, alcohol, etc. None of it really made me forget you. It just made me not care. I tried almost everything I could think of to try and make me forget. Well, almost everything," I added with a wary smile. "There were some things I couldn't make myself do."

"Like what?" he questioned curiously.

"Save your questions 'til after the story," I scolded him jokingly with a light-hearted smile. "Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, now I remember. I didn't come out of my stupor until I found Robin in that broom cupboard. It was like I couldn't breathe or move or even think. It was like my world had just ended in front of my eyes. She had been the only person I had left and when she was gone I just shut down. The next part about Evans and Potter finding me I'm sure you've heard from them so I'll spare you from having to listen to the mundane details. You also know about what happened with Young and you were with me until I got discharged so I suppose that takes us to after I left the Hospital Wing. After that I don't remember much before Marren gave me her first letter. I'd been trying so long to go numb from the pain and the hurt that I didn't realize until after Robin died that I'd been living like the dead. The problem with living like that for so long is that it's hard to return to the land of the living, especially when you're trying to do it alone.

"After Evans put me in the Hospital Wing for a suicide attempt false alarm, I got a letter from Marren. She was seeking my help about something or another, though she never told me what that was. Anyways, she become my gateway back to reality. That alone is probably the only reason I'm not going to kill her for this little stunt. And I think that's really the whole story in a nutshell."

"Can I ask questions now?" he inquired, reminding me a lot of a young child who was forced to wait until after the story to ask about how big the dragon that the hero fought in the story was.

"Only if I reserve the right to choose not to answer," I agreed.

"Alright, first question is what didn't you do?

I could practically feel myself blush. I really didn't want to tell him that he'd practically turned me impotent but I knew that if I refused to answer that it would look worse than it really was. "Erm – I didn't turn to sex or cocaine. Next question?"

"What really happened with Young? What happened before I got there?" Well, at least he didn't push the subject about my sudden lack of a sex life. He just wanted to know about my recent sexual assault.

I took a deep breath before giving the most bare boned recollection of the story I thought I could get away with, "Before I found Robin, Young was hitting on me in the corridor. I pretty much told him to go to hell and he got a little mad. When he found me practically comatose I suppose he thought he'd try to teach me a lesson or something."

"Well that's a bare minimum story if I've ever heard one," he commented.

I opened my mouth to argue but he silenced me, pressing a finger to my lips. "I'm not complaining. I know you've got a right not to answer any questions you're uncomfortable with and I'm not going to pry if you don't want me to."

Yep, that was definitely one of the many reasons I'd fallen in love with the bloke in the first place. I guess I really was in love with him, wasn't I? "Any other questions?"

"Just one. How much did you miss me?" he grinned cheekily. How did we get here? How did we go from thinking that the other one hated us to swapping angst stories to him teasing me? And furthermore, why did this feel so natural? Was it because we both wanted to stop avoiding each other? Because we'd actually missed each other quite a deal?

"Who says I missed you?" I scoffed. "Aren't you a self-important git?"

"You did miss me," he shook his head confidently. "If you didn't then you wouldn't have thrown yourself at me at the first opening."

I rolled my eyes, knowing he was just being playful. "Watch yourself, Black, or I'll start actually hating you."

He wraped his arm around my shoulder, "You wouldn't dare. You know it'd kill me if I lost you again."

"Well then you'd better watch yourself because if I were to hate you then I wouldn't be too worried about killing you," I informed him.

"Should I really be concerned about you starting to hate me?" he inquired dubiously.

I just rolled my eyes. Of course not. He had to have known that being away from him would do as much damage to me as it did to him. I would never have been able to make myself walk away anyways. I peeled his arm off of me and strode up to the door. I banged on it purposefully, "Marren, open this damn door already or I'll kill Black and it'll be all your fault."

I could see Sirius gape at me out of the corner of my eye. "You'd kill me?" he demanded.

I just shook my head at him, waiting for Marren to open the door. Of course, I wouldn't kill him. I just didn't want Marren to think that he and I had worked through our issues because of this. She'd locked me in a room against my will. I certainly wasn't going to give her any reason to celebrate because of it.

The door squelched open and Marren looked less than impressed. "Clark, you're positively the most stubborn, hardheaded –" she began to rant.

"Oh save it, Marren," I cut her off. "Sirius, love, let's get out of here before she locks us in again. It's almost time for dinner."

I could see the clogs in Marren's mind beginning to turn as Sirius got to his feet. Walking over to me in a victorious way, "Let's go, pet." He even took my hand for good measure, leading me away from the classroom and towards the Great Hall.

"CHERRY CLARK! YOU LYING –" I could hear Marren yell from behind me, obviously not appreciative of my little white lie about considering killing Sirius.

Sirius and I laughed and my ribs left like they might collapse. It'd been a while since I laughed like that and my body was apparently not used to it. I couldn't help but feel incredibly happy. I felt like all my suffering was finally over and that life was finally going to go uphill for once.

Evans and Potter looked completely disgusted and gobsmacked when Sirius and I arrived at the Great Hall, hand in hand. Apparently they weren't too happy with the idea of me sticking around. Lupin had a small smile, however, and he looked like the only one in the group who might possibly not completely despise me and my involvement with Sirius.

"Clark, I need to talk to you," Evans informed me with a small, almost undetectable snarl. "Boys, please excuse us." She got to her feet in a very determined and aggressive way, tearing me away from Sirius, much to my chagrin. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't even really want to remember she existed.

She marched me back of the Great Hall, her eyes looking like they were full of lightning and her hair like a forest fire. "I don't know if you've noticed this, Clark, but I really don't like you." I opened my mouth to retort that she'd made that very obvious but she cut me off before I could. "I can see now that you're not going away. You wormed your way into Ali's life and now you're leeching onto Black. You might be a parasite but just remember that you're only here because I'm letting you be. James will do whatever I say and if I told him to make Black break up with you then he would in an instant. He doesn't like you much better than I do. Just remember who has the power in this situation."

I knew she was right. I knew that James was practically her lapdog and that Sirius took James' opinion very seriously. I'd just blindly walked into a situation where the person who hated me most at Hogwarts suddenly had all the power. I didn't respond to her. I knew that I couldn't fight back against her and I didn't want to have to concede out loud that I really was at her mercy.

She dug into her book bag, something I hadn't even realized that she'd brought with her. She handed me a worn piece of parchment, "Here's how you're going to live your new life. I wrote them after Ali started taking a liking to you again. Don't even think about breaking any of these rules or I'll make sure Black casts you out so fast it'll make your head spin. Learn them, memorize them and live them, Clark. If anything needs to be added, changed or updated I'll let you know. I'll see you at dinner." She stormed away like some sort of natural disaster, bringing misery to anyone that crossed her path.

I looked down at the parchment and there in Evans' perfectly neat handwriting were the new guidelines to my life.

_No more receiving detentions_

_No more skipping lessons, unless Madam Pomfrey herself calls for it_

_No more picking fights with anyone, including Slytherins_

_Interacting with any old friends who I, myself, do not approve of is forbidden_

_Insulting anyone is no longer allowed_

_No breaking curfew_

_No more meeting with Ali when no one else is around_

_Homework is mandatory_

_Drinking alcohol, smoking and doing any recreational drugs is forbidden_

_You must speak to everyone in a polite tone_

I didn't know how I was going to survive any of these conditions. I even considered throwing the rules back in Evans' face and telling her to go to hell. That was until I remembered how that breaking any of these rules would result in her completely sabotaging my relationship with Sirius. _Well you're an idiot, _I couldn't help but think bitterly. _Looks like life won't be going uphill, huh? _I scowled at myself for thinking that but I didn't even try to argue with myself. I might not have liked my inner cynic but it was definitely right. Life was not going uphill anytime soon. In fact, life was about to really start to suck.

**Author's Note:**

**I'm really sorry that this chapter took longer to get out then my chapters usually do. I've been very distracted lately with my new novel I'm planning on writing. That's right, my dear readers, I'm finally going to get back on the horse and try writing an actual novel for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm excited and nervous and anxious and pretty much a ball of nerves but this is definitely time for me to explore other options than just fanfiction. Though this means I'll be eventually leaving the world of fanfiction, it doesn't mean that this fic in particular is going to be abandoned. This fic and my eventual collaboration piece with javalon14, Freakin-Little and BulletTheBlueSkyU2 is going to be my last work in fanfiction for a while. I've been blessed with an amazing collection of readers but it's time for me to start moving on to other aspects of writing. I have to emphasize that Maybe I Know is NOT going to be abandoned. Javalon14 might possibly try to kill me if I tried anyways. We are seeing this story to the end so don't worry.**

**Happy Reading!**

**Evan**


	27. A Love That Will Last

**A/N: Sorry about the delay on this… I've been VERY busy with classes, but it's finals week, so next week we should be able to get on a more regular schedule about things. We're nearing the end of the story! I hope you've all really enjoyed it and that you'll enjoy this chapter! Your reviews are so wonderful, so keep them coming!**

**-J**

"_I don't desire a complicated past. I want a love that will last. Say that you love me. Say I'm the one…. I don't want just a memory. Give me forever. Don't even think about saying goodbye 'cause I just want one love to be enough and remain in my heart 'til I die…. I'll never leave you so don't even ask…. So there's just a little more that I need. I wanna share all the air that you breathe." – Renee Olstead, A Love That Will Last_

I'm sure Cherry had other things she would rather be doing in that moment. For one, Sirius was virtually drooling on the library table we were sitting at. In fact, we were in the library, which was not only one of her least favorite places, but we were discussing what couldn't be one of her favorite topics: my sex life, or rather, what was hopefully going to become my sex life.

Remus was recovering from the full moon and I wanted to be ready when he was out of the hospital wing. Cherry wasn't particularly comfortable with the topic, but she was helping me anyway, which I thought was rather big of her.

"So what's holding it all back?" Cherry said, her eyes shifting to give Sirius an annoyed look out of the corner of her eye.

"Timing for one," I said slowly, deliberating how to explain without sharing Remus's biggest secret.

"Time of the month?" she prodded with a smirk.

"_Yeah_," I said slowly. "He also is really concerned with hurting me."

"Well, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Puff," she snorted. "It's going to hurt. Lupin's obviously concerned with your comfort, though, so he'll make sure it's as minimal as possible."

She sighed, flicking a bit of balled up parchment at Sirius's nose. His nose twitched a bit, but he otherwise did not stir. I wondered how much it would hurt, but I reasoned that if Cherry was still interested in sex it must not hurt after a while.

"Use protection," she continued, still flicking parchment at Sirius. "You don't want a bunch of little Lupins running around. You're barely of age. There's a contraceptive charm. Do you…?"

I nodded. I'd looked it up as soon as I decided I was ready for the next step.

"Don't rush things," she continued. "Don't do this because he wants it or because you feel like you ought to. Really want to do it."

"Right," I said. "I do."

"Well, then," she said with an almost friendly smile, "relax, Puff. Let it happen. He knows what you want, and he's male so he wants it too. He's probably just as nervous as you are, so let it happen. Do what feels right. Don't worry about being a great seductress. He's expecting _you_. He wants _you_. I think you can manage that."

I laughed. She was right, I could manage, by and large, to be myself, although I would have liked for 'myself' to be a bit more confident, to be sure he would like me as me, but Cherry had assured me he would, and when had she ever been wrong? About _my_ love life, that is.

"So," I said casually, "how's life with Sirius?"

Cherry snorted and my eyebrows rose instinctively.

"Let's just say that this conversation is the current pinnacle of my sex life in the recent past…"

Really? This news surprised me more than a little. I would have thought the pair of them would be taking every opportunity to shag like bunnies. Apparently they had not. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard the bitterness in Cherry's voice.

But we didn't have a lot of time to discuss Cherry and Sirius – as if I would have been brave enough to bring up such things when Cherry was already so testy – because Lily rounded the corner and glared at us.

"Clark, what did I–?"

"Sirius is right here," Cherry said quickly, kicking Sirius awake. "We're not alone!"

Alone? Was Lily trying to keep her from being alone with Sirius? Was that why they weren't shagging?

No, that couldn't be right because Sirius was what kept 'alone' from occurring. So that meant Lily didn't want Cherry to be alone with… me?

"The unconscious don't count," Lily snapped.

"He was sleeping, not unconscious, if you're going to be that nitpicky," Cherry grumbled. But Lily just narrowed her eyes and Cherry sighed. "Right. If you need to continue this conversation later, Puff, we'll have to acquire a suitable chaperone for Evans's demands. Right now Sirius and I have to actually work on Muggle Studies. I'll see you around."

I said my goodbyes to Cherry and Sirius, walking out of the library with an agitated Lily Evans.

"Why can't you just leave her be?" I sighed. "She's had a rough year."

"No rougher than yours," Lily sniffed, nose in the air.

I clenched my fists with frustration, but there was no point trying to argue the truth that Cherry's year was a million times worse than mine. Lily and I had gone round and round about it for quite some time and had gotten nowhere. It wasn't worth my energy. Everyone knew Lily Evans was the most stubborn being on the planet.

Ashley, on the other hand, seemed to be handling the whole situation rather nicely. In fact, she had even begun defending Cherry as she had done me against the malicious fan club. I think once she realized how much Cherry had done for me, she knew she couldn't do anything but help me support Cherry. And if Ashley didn't quite like her yet, well, she respected her at the least, and that was really the main thing, after all. Liking could only come with time.

Thoughts of changes in Cherry's social life were pushed from my mind as Remus disappeared from school due to his 'furry little problem'. I had nightmares while he was gone, and even contemplated going to Madam Pomfrey to get something for my growing anxiety, but Sirius stopped me.

"He'll be fine, Ali," he assured me. "He's done this hundreds of times."

I knew that was meant to be reassuring, but it only served to increase my anxiety, to the point that I actually burst into tears with no provocation at all in the middle of Charms. Professor Flitwick excused Ashley and me, concerned that the stress of N.E.W.T.s was getting to me.

"What's wrong?" she demanded when we reached the corridor.

I gave her the same excuse Cherry attributed all my abnormal behavior to:

"Time of the month."

Ashley frowned.

"Really?" she said incredulously. "That's odd. Ours usually go together."

"Mine's changed," I lied. "I think it's all the stress I've been under."

She pursed her lips.

"Remus is sick again, isn't he?" she said with a sigh.

I nodded and burst into tears again.

"Oh, Ali, I'm sorry," Ashley said softly. "I didn't mean to upset you. Is it serious?"

"Not necessarily," I said, "if they keep it contained. But it's aggressive."

Ashley, while usually one to want the whole story, knew better than to harass answers out of me while I was so upset, so I just kept crying.

Those few days were so incredibly painful and stressful that I was sure that I wasn't going to make it, but as soon as Remus was back in classes I nearly tackled him on the way to Potions, making him blush rather furiously as I pressed my lips vigorously to his. We had never kissed so publically before, but his hesitation and embarrassment melted away soon enough and it took Lily clearing her throat to bring us back to the reality that we were snogging each other's brains out in the middle of the corridor, and a couple of first year girls were giggling at us.

I could hardly force myself to care, despite Remus's adorable blush.

A soon as we were alone that night I let him lead me to the fourth floor where there was a secret passageway behind the giant mirror.

"Where does it lead?" I asked breathlessly.

"There's a little cavern under the lake," Remus said dismissively. "This will do."

He reached into his book bag and pulled out a couple of fluffy blankets and several candles, which he lit with his wand before spreading out the blankets a little ways from them. He took my hand and led me over to the blankets where we sat together in the candlelight, me curled onto his lap, my head resting on his shoulder as he ran his fingers through my hair with a shaky hand.

"I missed you," he whispered in my ear. "The whole time I was awake in my proper, human mind, I was thinking about you. Your sweet hair," he muttered, burying his face in my hair. "Your soft skin," he murmured, his lips grazing my neck, making me shiver. "Your sweet lips," he breathed, pressing his lips to mine.

The gentle quality of the kiss dissipated rapidly, Remus laced his fingers through my hair, grasping it and pushing our faces even closer together. His tongue demanded entrance to my mouth and was greeted with a sigh upon entry.

When we finally parted from the kiss I breathlessly sighed, "Remus, please. Please."

"Are you sure?" he whispered, although from the way his fingers were caressing my back through my shirt I was fairly certain that the question was more for his sake than for mine.

"Please," I moaned, watching his face flush as I pulled away, slowly stripping off my shirt.

As though something in him completely snapped, he pushed me back onto the blankets, leaning over my torso, trailing kisses across my bare skin. I shivered, but not because I was cold.

He kissed his way back up to my neck and whispered, "Ali, I've… I've never done this before."

I couldn't say why, but I felt a rush of relief at this confession.

"Me either," I whispered. "I'm not doing it lightly, either."

"Nor me," he muttered, pressing his lips to my neck once more. "I love you, Ali, and while I can't offer you half of what you deserve, I'll offer you everything I have, anything I can give you, although it's not much."

It was so very hard to think while his fingertips were teasing my skin, but I managed to exhale the worlds, "What do you mean?"

"I love you," he said softly, "and while I can't ask you to marry me here and now, I'm with you for as long as you can stand to be with me." He kissed my collarbone and said, "Wolves mate for life. It's one of the things I actually admire about them."

Before he could do something stupid like ask how I felt about that, I kissed him, working to eagerly strip off the rest of our clothes. As far as I was concerned, no further answer was necessary. Remus seemed to agree by the intensity with which he returned my kiss and the way he eagerly assisted the removal of clothing.

As soon as the stripping of clothing was achieved, he turned us, laying me back on the blankets and worshipping my skin with loving kisses.

I couldn't say how long we stayed there, exploring each other and pleasing each other until we were completely spent, but then we curled up together on the blankets, skin on skin, Remus still placing gentle kisses on my neck.

Although I got the sense that Remus had talked with Sirius in much the same way I had talked with Cherry, we still learned from each other as we went, discovering each other. It was nice, meaningful, and I found that Cherry was right. If it had happened any other way, it wouldn't have been honest.

"Well," he finally whispered, "do you regret it?"

"Of course not!" I cried, looking up at him fiercely. "Do you?"

"Never," he assured me, kissing my hand sweetly. After a short pause he said, "Will you regret it tomorrow?"

With an aggravated sigh I swatted him playfully, laying back on the blankets, dismissing the ridiculous question, but Remus rolled onto his side to look down at me urgently.

"I need to know," he said firmly. "You have to realize, Ali, the implications of what I am and what we've just done."

"What do you mean?" I asked, dreading the answer.

"No one can know," he whispered. "You would be socially ruined to marry anyone else should you ever desire to." I made an impatient noise, but he placed a finger over my lips to silence me before continuing. "Suppose I die in the war, or something similar. I would like to think you wouldn't keep yourself from ever moving on. And should… should our union now or… or in the future ever… ever produce…. If you…. If you were ever to…." He sighed. "If a child ever came of this, you would need to abort it, as soon as possible."

"What?" I cried, sitting up so that our faces were level. "Remus, that's illegal!"

"No," he said slowly, deliberately. "Not if the father is a werewolf. You'd be surprised what's legal in those circumstances."

I could feel anger building like my tears forming in the corner of my eyes. How could the law, on top of everything else, be so cruel to him? I was disgusted.

"Don't you see?" he whispered hoarsely. "No child of a werewolf has been carried to term, and for good reason. The chance is so very real that the child would have the same condition, and that's unsafe for society and unfair to the child. It's been presumed dangerous for the mother, as well and…" His fingers ran through my hair lovingly, eyes swimming with tears. "I could never forgive myself if I somehow hurt you."

As horrified and disgusted with the whole thought as I was, I had to recognize his very good points. I couldn't, in good conscience, subject a child to lycanthropy, either. But could I kill an unborn child, even if the law encouraged it, even knowing what it could become and what could happen to me?

"Well," I said finally, "I guess that's pretty good motivation to not have any accidents."

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have ruined a beautiful night with such terrible realities, but I couldn't risk not telling you now and then allowing it to slip by unsaid as I waited for the right moment. I don't want to lose you, Ali. I… I…"

"The night's not ruined," I insisted. I kissed his lips and said, "I love you, and I love every part of you, and this is just another part of being with you. The good and the harder to stomach, but it's all you, just as I'm sure it's not always easy…"

I tapered off, unsure if I wanted to say what I was thinking.

"What's not always easy?" he whispered, his lips hovering so close to mine that I could feel the air vibrating between our mouths.

"Being in love with me," I replied, leaning just a little closer, my lips against his.

"There's nothing easier," he sighed, claiming my lips in another of the countless sweet kisses we shared that night.

This was what it meant, I realized, to be in love. Sometimes it was beautiful and breathtaking and sometimes it was hard to bear, and sometimes it was both all at once, but no matter how much good came with the bad, it was never logical, never worth it to walk away, because those bad things were so small in light of the good.

And once I realized that, it seemed as though I'd known it all my life and I couldn't imagine ever being without Remus.


	28. Rock, Meet Hard Place

"There is no way we're going to get this done by the time it's due," Sirius announced grumpily after we spent nearly two hours working on our Muggle Studies project. "I think we should just give up now and take the bad mark."

"No," I refused stubbornly. "We need to get at least an E on this. We just need to focus and get this done."

He groaned, setting his head on the desk in front of him with a pathetic whine, "Do we have to? Can't we just make a Third Year do it or something?"

I gave him a reproachful look. Generally I would have agreed with him but since Evans started dishing out her ridiculous rules left and right I knew that I couldn't do it. Rule number 18 on her list of rules strictly applied to this situation: _Bribing or threatening other students is forbidden. _Being the Head Girl meant that she had the power to monitor me and I couldn't risk her finding out that I broke some of her rules. I mean, her rules were ridiculous and overbearing (for example, rule number 28 was "Wearing your hair down in lessons is forbidden") but they had to be obeyed hell or high water.

He whimpered pathetically, "But it's such a waste of time! This is the most ridiculous, stupid, pointless assignment in the world!"

"You're the one who decided you wanted to do the report on motorbikes," I reminded him. "If you'd just followed everyone else's example and chose an easy topic then we'd be done right now."

"Oi, don't put this just on me! You're the one who agreed to it!" he pointed out defensively.

"Yes because I was sent by your then girlfriend to test if you were cheating and I couldn't do that if we were squabbling over something stupid," I bluntly told him.

He mumbled some unintelligibly before letting out a deep sigh, "Can't we just take a little break? You know, for the rest of the day?"

I shook my head at his laziness, "We don't have time to take the rest of the day off. We're already behind as is. We need to get this done, love. We need to just bunker down, grit your teeth and let's just it over with."

"I've heard that before," he huffed, unimpressed.

"I'm sure you have. You know, from every woman that you've ever taken to bed."

"Clara!" he exclaimed in disbelief. "That's not true and you know it!"

"Oh do I?" I inquired, focusing on the textbook in front of me.

"That was definitely not what you said before we went to bed," he pointed out.

"First of all, that was a desk," I reminded him brusquely. "Second of all – Well to be honest, I don't remember what I said that night but I do remember that you cut me off so I couldn't say what everything I was going to. Maybe I was going to say it but you cut me off before I could." It was a lie. That was probably of the last things I was going to tell him that night but I didn't need to tell him that.

"You don't remember that night?" he questioned dubiously.

"Of course I remember that night," I rolled my eyes. "I was just a little too busy dealing with guilt and anxiety to remember every word I said."

"But you do remember all the non-speaking, more physical parts, don't you?" he inquired hopefully, looking up at me like an optimistic child.

"Vaguely." That was a complete lie. I had very detailed memories of shagging him and I remember every physical part of that night. My mind replayed the events of that night every night for weeks, making sure that I couldn't forget if I wanted to.

"'Vaguely'?" he scoffed. "Just vaguely? Unbelievable! Honestly, I've never –!"

"Oh just quit your whining, get your arse over here and refresh my memory," I interrupted him impatiently.

He picked his head up from the table and grinned, "I was hoping you'd say that." He was on his feet in record time, nearly knocking over the desk as he rounded on me. He tipped me backwards with eager exuberance, pushing me onto the covered desk. My back ached from the textbooks underneath me digging into my back but my lust silenced it.

My fingers gripped into his shoulder blades, trying to pull him closer to me. His mouth fiercely crashed into mine. His mouth aggressively bruised mine, his teeth carnally tugging at my lips.

My alarm clock began to shrilly ring, causing me to sit straight up in my bed. It'd just been a dream. I turned off the alarm, looking around the room. Everyone else was still blissfully asleep, not having to wake at the bloody crack of dawn like I did. Rule number thirty on Evans' Rules, was that I had to wake up at seven every weekday and since it was only Tuesday that applied to this morning too.

I rolled out of bed, my body groaning at the lack of sleep. I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes and accept that this was the start of yet another long day. Busy sixteen hour days were beginning to wear me down and there wasn't an end to them in sight. Evans must have loved all this power. She'd been after me since our First Year and now she was exercising power over me that she couldn't have ever dreamed of. Note to self: Next time you fall in love with a guy make sure that it doesn't give your enemy total power over you.

I staggered into the bathroom, feeling like I'd been ran over by a herd of Hippogriffs. Did Hippogriffs even live in herds? Were they packs of Hippogriffs? Clans? Tribe? Did animals, other than humans, even live in tribes anyways?

I turned on the shower's cold water on full blast. My body was still tingling from my slightly disappointing dream. Why did my stupid alarm clock have to interrupt it anyways? And why did it have to be a dream? It would have been much more satisfying if it were real. I blamed Sirius. What was going on with him anyways? This was a bloke who didn't know how to survive celibacy and now he was suddenly against sex? What was wrong with him anyways? He'd never been one to argue with sex before. All of a sudden he wanted celibacy when he had a girlfriend that wanted sex but when he had a girlfriend who was anti-sex that was all he wanted? The man was obviously confused.

I brushed my teeth, giving my body a few more minutes to prepare itself for the cold. Cold showers were becoming an increasingly common practice for me but my body still hated the cold. I stepped into the frigid water, shivering at the instant cold. This was becoming quite a common habit for me since I started dating Sirius. My body wasn't accustomed to the celibate lifestyle. It just didn't seem to understand why I had Sirius but I couldn't shag the bloke silly.

I often pondered why he had suddenly changed his position on sex out of the blue but I didn't like to dwell on it. When I dwelled on it my brain began to wander to all the possibilities and it generally ended on some sort of question of self-worth. I had enough on my plate already and I didn't need to actively question whether I was attractive enough for him anymore.

I turned off the water, my body covered in goose bumps from the cold. I wrapped myself in a Gryffindor colored towel, knowing that it wouldn't be long until my roommates began to wake up and want the bathroom to get ready for the day.

I knew what was waiting for me outside. Evans would have already set the daily rules update on my bedside table. With her current pattern of making more and more ridiculous rules I was likely to find a piece of parchment that said something ridiculous like I wasn't allowed to wear the color blue on Mondays or something else of that nature. Some of her earliest rules made sense, though they were still overbearing, but these new rules were neurotic at best. I mean, rule number nine "Drinking alcohol, smoking and doing any recreational drugs is forbidden" kind of made sense. Rule number twenty nine "Wearing high heels is forbidden", however, was a bit ridiculous.

I tried to take Evans' control over my life in stride. She couldn't control my life forever and I just had to wait it out. Eventually this control game of hers wouldn't be as fun anymore and she'd let me be. Or at least I hoped she would. If her rules kept getting more and more outlandish then she was going to star trying to regulate when I breathed.

Evans couldn't have control of Potter forever. I doubted that she needed to control him in order to make him want to break Sirius and I up though. He hated me _almost _as much as she did. I don't know if he ever quite got over the fact that I "broke up" Ali and Sirius. Of course, that disastrous relationship was doomed almost from the start so even if I hadn't been involved it would have eventually went down in flames. I just fanned the flames a little bit.

I stepped out of the bathroom, clenching my bath towel. Changing in front of my roommates never bothered me before and now that I was supposed to be matey with them I guess it shouldn't have bothered me now. It wasn't like after nearly seven years of living with them that being seen naked by them, or even seeing them naked, really even fazed me anymore. It was just a common occurrence now and I didn't bat an eyelash at it.

I was right about Evans' daily rules update. When I arrived back at my bed there was a little piece of parchment with crisp, neat handwriting that I'd learned to recognize as belonging to Evans. In purple ink the new additions to her growing list of rules for me to follow looked almost ironically cheerful. The purple ink and the careful script might have looked almost friendly if they weren't telling me more unreasonable rules that were going to govern my life. It'd be more fitting if it was in looming black ink and horrific chicken scratch, like the notes that the professors would write on their blackboards.

_Rule 31. You must have a chaperone while outside of the castle._

_Rule 32. Your trunk, bed, drawers and bag are all subject to random searches for contraband._

Rule number thirty two surprised me. I'd thought that it was just common sense that Evans was going to search my belongings without a second thought. I suppose now that it was in writing she felt like she had it in her authority or some other rubbish. Rule number thirty one was a little more vexing. I never really got much alone time when I wasn't with Sirius or being monitored for "potential bad behavior" by Evans or Potter or having a chaperoned visit with Ali. When I did get a few minutes on my own I liked to spend some time out by the lake. I guess that was just another casualty in Evans' power trip.

I dressed according to Evans' Rules for classes. Rule number twenty six was "Wearing anything but your uniform to class is forbidden" and rule number seventeen stated that "All skirts must be knee length and all shirt buttons conservatively buttoned" so I didn't really have much leeway with what I got to wear during the weekdays. Since I wasn't allowed to wear my hair down in lessons and my high heels had been outlawed, decided what was I was going to wear each day was at least simpler.

I hated our school uniforms. They felt like they'd been designed by some old man with a fetish for school girls. It was like plaid vomit complete with woolen socks from hell. Dumbledore must have hated us or something. At least the blokes didn't have the ugly shoes that only Professor McGonagall would be caught wearing of her own free will.

I pulled on my Gryffindor colored tie over my head, heading towards the stairs and down to the Great Hall. I felt like some sort of carbon copy of every other girl in Hogwarts. The same outfit and the same non-special blond hair as several of the other girls. Part of me wished that I hadn't shed my cherry colored locks but even if I hadn't before then that just would have been one of Evans' Rules. It probably would have been the first one. It'd probably be something along the lines of "Having a non-natural hair color is forbidden" or something of that nature. I'd thought that going back to a boring, common hair color was a sign of growing up but now that every other part of my life was uniform I felt like I wanted my little bit of mindless rebellion back.

Sirius was waiting in the Common Room for me like he always did. He was leaned against the maroon sofa, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows with an expectant smile on his face. I could feel the beaming smile begin to spread across my face. This was why I was enduring through Evans' creative torture attempts. It was because he was worth it.

"Morning love," he greeted me with an affectionate yet disappointingly chaste kiss. "Sleep well?"

"Relatively," I lied easily. I suppose it wasn't necessarily a lie considering that I'd slept quite well until my sexually deprived mind started teasing me. "You?"

"Well enough," he replied, slipping his hand casually into mine. "Breakfast?"

I nodded unenthusiastically. Breakfast was by far my least favorite meal. It wasn't the food. I quite enjoyed breakfast food but just not the company that came with it. Breakfast was always the hardest because Potter and Evans were at their meanest. Potter was not a morning person in any definition and Evans used the excuse just be to be nasty. If I survived breakfast with a little bit of my neck still attached so I could grow my head back then it was a good day.

I looked at Sirius as we walked down to the Great Hall. What a naïve boy. Was he blind to everything that was happening around him or did he just ignore it. He never questioned my increasingly changing habits. He never once questioned why I addressed Evans and Potter by their first name (thanks to rule number eleven) or why I suddenly stopped swearing like a sailor (courtesy of rule number thirteen). I don't know if he just didn't notice or if he didn't care or if he thought it was part of my rehabilitation process. How could such a brilliant bloke be so blind?

I couldn't tell him. If I told him then he'd have to make a choice. He'd either have to tell Potter and Evans to get it together or he'd have to tell me to live with it. My gut knew that he was more likely to sway towards the first option. He was fiercely loyal, one of the many things I loved about him. Potter was like a brother to him and that made him very wary about fighting with him. I believed he loved me but I knew that Potter was in his life first and that wasn't something I was ever going to be able to contend with. I just had to grit my teeth and endure it until Evans and Potter lost interest or I really couldn't take anymore. That's what love is though, isn't it? Sacrifice and compromise, right?


	29. I Run To You

**A/N: Can't believe how quickly this story has gone! Every time I go back and read all your lovely reviews I feel a rush of excitement. You guys are the best! Thanks for sticking by us through this story!**

**-J**

"_When it all starts coming undone, baby, you're the only one I run to…. And our love's the only truth." – I Run To You, Lady Antebellum_

I wasn't sure if Sirius was the most oblivious person or if he didn't want to rock the boat for some reason, but his clueless behavior toward all the changes in Cherry's life were beyond worrisome, least of all being her calling Lily 'Lily', even when Lily wasn't in the room. She just looked so… unhappy and dead all the time, like whatever game Lily was playing had sucked out Cherry's soul.

Somewhere in Lily's mind, I knew, she thought she was doing the right thing, beyond being vindictive and childish about finally having the upper hand in their ridiculous feud.

But it had gotten to the point where Remus, Ashley, and even Marlene had begun asking me what was wrong with Cherry.

As much as I tried to get through to Lily, it seemed to be the impossible task.

"I've made Clark into a model citizen," she sniffed.

"You've made her into an Inferius!" I hissed. One never knew when Madam Pince would poke her vulture-nose out from behind a shelf and expel you from the library for breathing too loud. Remus and I had been kicked out earlier that week because I was 'giggling too loud'.

"Hang on," Marlene said, furrowing her brow, "how is it that she's got to call you by her first name, but you don't have to use hers?"

"I'm perfectly happy to call her Clara," Lily began stiffly.

"Except even you are worried about pushing her past her breaking point," I sighed. "Lily, she's a human being, not some evil cyborg." Marlene blinked and made to ask what a cyborg was. Her mother didn't let her go to see Muggle films with us. I spoke over her question, "The point is that you need to back off, Lily. Sirius will never forgive you if you drive her back over the edge."

"Sirius seems perfectly happy," Lily argued.

"Yeah," I muttered, "and that's entirely suspicious enough on its own, but I'll deal with his stupidity later. You know that if he's got to deal with another traumatic event this year and it's your fault, he'll be out for your blood."

Queen of Stubborn, Lily Evans, didn't seem to care that even the most moral of the Black clan might be out for her blood. She just continued to diagram the cross-sections of a mandrake at its various stages.

Giving her up as a more or less lost cause, I figured it might be worth trying to talk to Sirius. From my conversations with Cherry, he was not only not noticing her out-of-character behavior, but had also been displaying plenty of his own.

James and Sirius were playing Exploding Snap in their dormitory, which I was able to get to because Marlene let me into Gryffindor Tower.

"You're cheating!" James roared as I walked in, and I froze, confused, my heart pounding. "There's no way you could win so many times in a row otherwise!"

I let out a relieved breath, realizing they were just talking about their game.

"Sirius?" I said softly, causing them both to jump. "Can we talk?"

James opened his mouth, no doubt getting ready to tell me to bugger off, but Sirius said, "Sure, Ali. Scram, Prongs." James game us both furious looks, but he left, probably to find Lily or Peter to complain, as they were the only people who ever listened anymore.

"What's up?" he said with a smile as I sat down beside him on his bed.

"I, um," I sighed, trying to decide how to best approach the conversation. The words sort of poured out of my mouth before I could think about them. "How do you feel about your current lack of sex?"

Sirius blinked at me, wide-eyed.

"Where is this conversation headed, Ali?" he asked slowly. "Please tell me this isn't another one of those loyalty tests you and my girlfriend are so fond of cooking up?"

"No," I choked out. "No, definitely not. Although, the thought that you might be unfaithful to Cherry has certainly crossed my mind–"

"Well, it shouldn't," Sirius snapped. "I love Cherry. I would never do that to her. I would never do anything to hurt her!" I raised my eyebrows and he sighed and said, "Look, Ali, I care about you too, but it was never the same. You know that. We were a terrible fit, and I really didn't see a way not to hurt you. It was a big mess from the word 'go'."

I held up my hand to cut him off.

"I know," I said firmly, "but this isn't about us. This is about you and my best friend."

I hadn't realized the words had come out of my mouth until Sirius raised his eyebrows in surprise.

In a way, it made a lot of sense. Cherry had come to mean more to me than anyone but Remus. We confided in each other. We supported each other. I even went to her for sex advice. Sure, I hadn't really had anyone else to turn to, but I suppose I could have always gone to Sirius.

Sirius…

But that thought could wait for a moment, important though it was.

"Look, Sirius," I sighed, "I'm concerned. You and Cherry are both behaving odd. I care about both of you immensely and I'm at a loss as to what to do!"

"Please, Ali," he sighed, "I know you're worried. I'm thrilled you care. But I'm begging you to stay out of this, all right? Please."

What was it with the sickening amount of stubborn people I'd surrounded myself with? It was no wonder I'd spent so many years keeping out of the way and minding my own business. They were hardly worth the headache.

"Actually," I whispered once I'd resigned myself to letting go of the Sirius/Cherry/Lily issue for the time being, "There was something else I'd like to talk with you about."

Sirius shifted, nodding a little and saying, "All right. What's on your mind?"

I sighed heavily. I wasn't sure that I entirely wanted to talk with him about it, but as I couldn't talk to Cherry or Remus, he was all I had left…. And he was _very_ good at keeping secrets, I knew.

"You have to promise," I said urgently, "that you'll never mention this conversation to anyone, _especially_ Remus. Promise?"

His eyes widened with surprise and confusion but he nodded and said, "Of course."

There was no turning back at that point.

"When Remus and I spent our first night together," I explained, flushing slightly as he smirked, "he said some things that quite frankly…. Well, honestly , they disturbed me."

He frowned.

"Like what?" he asked slowly.

"Sirius, he said that if I ever got pregnant, I'd have to… that if he got me pregnant I'd need to…"

"He said you'd have to abort it," Sirius sighed eyes sad with understanding. "Oh, Ali. C'mere."

He held out his arms and I scrambled over, allowing him to wrap me in a warm, comforting hug. We just sat there for a while as he obviously struggled with words and I fought off tears.

"That must have been awful," he whispered finally.

"It's not even that," I sighed. "Do you think, if I did get pregnant, that he'd send himself to jail to spare my reputation? You know it would get out, and Remus is so hard on himself about those sorts of things. I don't know if I could handle it."

"No," Sirius said firmly. "I'm going to make sure personally that he never does something so stupid. I don't care if I have to drag Dumbledore into it, he's not throwing away his life and he's _not_ going to hurt you like that. Don't you worry, Ali," he muttered, kissing the top of my head.

"Thank you," I whispered, hugging his torso tightly. Over his shoulder, my eyes caught a glimpse of James's alarm clock and my eyes widened.

"Sirius, is James's clock right?"

He checked his watch and craned around to look at the clock in question.

"Yeah, it seems fine. Why?"

"I'm late," I moaned. "I was meant to meet Remus in the entrance hall ten minute ago! He's going to be so worried!"

Sirius laughed and winked.

"Play safe, now!"

I grabbed a bit of balled-up parchment from Remus's bedside table and tossed it at Sirius's head as I made my way toward the door, but he easily dodged it and barked with laughter.

"You're forgetting, love, that your darling Remus learned everything he knows about how to make you feel good by taking notes on my best advice. You ought to be thanking me, sweetheart, not attacking me!"

But I just waved my hand dismissively as I left the room, rushing to the entrance hall as fast as my feet could carry me.

Remus was pacing the entrance hall, frantically looking around and checking his watch. I sighed with relief that he hadn't panicked and done something crazy like reporting me missing to Professor McGonagall.

"Remus," I said, smiling, "sorry I'm late. I was talking with Sirius and I lost track of time."

He blew out a sigh of relief and wrapped me in a hug, gently pecking my lips.

"You look beautiful," he whispered, kissing my cheek, pulling back to look at me lovingly for a moment before pressing his lips more eagerly to mine.

I smiled against his kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck. One of the best things that had come from our sleeping together was that Remus had more or less stopped caring that someone might see us kissing, and he'd even kissed me in front of Professor McGonagall, which struck me as rather brave.

I suppose he'd been Sorted into Gryffindor for a reason.

We just stood there in the hall for several minutes, kissing, ignoring the world around us, including the giggling that passed us as it made its way toward the stairs. But there had to be something. There was always something.

"Ali? Remus?"

The voice was a small, lifeless version of its former self, but I'd recognized it almost instantly as Cherry's voice.

I pulled away from Remus's lips to find her with my eyes, but his lips landed on my neck for a moment before he realized fully what had happened and he pulled away as well, also looking for the source of the interruption.

There was Cherry, standing on the marble staircase, looking at us as though trying to decide something. I felt a rush of sympathy and affection for her, seeing how lost she looked.

"Hey, Cherry," I said with a smile that I hoped looked encouraging. "What's up?"

"Can I ask you guys for a favor?"

We both nodded, but I felt my stomach tighten as I wondered what madness Lily had legislated most recently.

"Well, I'd really like to go out to the lake for a bit…. Not long, I promise. Anyway, I'm not allowed to go on the grounds unsupervised and I…. Well, I won't be an awkward third wheel or something. You won't even know I'm there. I won't stare at you or anything, I just… I just need some air."

I really couldn't feel anything but sorry for her. Lily had to be reined in, but I couldn't think of any way to make her see reason. All I could do was grant Cherry her quite reasonable wish.

"Of course," I said, lacing my fingers in Remus's, smiling even more happily. "It's no trouble at all!"

The three of us walked silently out to the lake, settling under Remus's favorite tree. Cherry was about twenty feet closer to the water than we were, giving us as much privacy as she could manage. I curled up against Remus, resting my head on his strong chest and playing with the buttons on his shirt as he ran his fingers through my hair.

After about ten minutes of silence, Remus leaned down and whispered, "You know, this would almost be romantic if…"

He didn't need to say any more. If we weren't babysitting Cherry because Lily was being a power-hungry, vindictive pain in the arse. I just sighed, shrugged, and snuggled a little closer, thrilled when I felt him wrap his arms around me, sheltering me with his elevated body heat as the air around us began to cool.

Several minutes later, Cherry stood and Remus said, "Are you ready to go back in?"

She turned to us and nodded, thanking us softly as we walked back to the castle.

"Honestly, it's not a problem," Remus said calmly. "If you ever want to go outside, let me know. I find it's a nice place to do some thinking."

We parted ways in the entrance hall, Cherry going up the marble staircase - probably back to Gryffindor Tower - and Remus pulling me into the closest abandoned classroom. We settled on a desk he transfigured into a loveseat and curled up similar to how we had been outside.

"I wish I could make Lily be reasonable," I sighed. "Poor Cherry seems so miserable. I tried to talk to Sirius about it, but he told me he didn't want me to get involved."

"Mmm," Remus exhaled cryptically.

"I just wish there were something I could do," I said. "I mean, I know we've all poked our noses into each other's business quite enough lately and we've got N.E.W.T.s and our futures to think of and everything, but Cherry went through so much pain and I can't help but feel quite responsible–"

I stopped when Remus placed his finger over my lips, eyes sparkling as they met mine.

"That's quite enough of that," he whispered. "You're ranting, love, and I don't plan to spend the rest of this lovely evening talking about all of that drama."

I raised my eyebrows and had half a mind to ask how he'd like to spend the evening, but he pressed his lips hungrily to mine and answered my unspoken question exactly how I'd hoped he would.

Kissing him back, I began undoing the buttons on his shirt that I'd been playing with earlier, throwing off the fabric with his help, the fabric that had been keeping me from running my hands along the intricate, pale scars that lined his well-muscled flesh. The low moan that came from his mouth and vibrated in the cavern of my own mouth reminded me of the other reason I loved to trace the scars on his skin, connecting them in decorative patterns that I saw as beautiful. Once he'd realized how much I'd loved them, Remus had become much less nervous about taking off his shirt around me.

I shivered as he began placing a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses down my neck. Even in the brief time we'd been together, the little bit of exploring we'd done with each other's bodies, we'd gotten quite good at finding what made the other feel amazing, and Remus had become especially confident and aggressive, which I was surprised to find that I liked.

Remus and I spent several hours finding new ways to please each other before we collapsed together on the loveseat, completely spent. I was lying on top of him, my face buried in his neck, inhaling the scent of him, enjoying the feel of him gently tracing shapes on my skin.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," I sighed.

Somehow, that was all we needed to say, but it meant so much more. We were both scared. IT was bad enough to be a couple of seventh year students, with N.E.W.T.s and careers to think about. There also happened to be a war on, people dying every day, and nowhere to hide.

Well, that wasn't completely true. We'd talked a few days earlier about running away to the continent together, but that was the fear talking. We wouldn't go anywhere and we both knew it. Where would we go? Our whole lives were in England.

We probably ought to have been studying for N.E.W.T.s, planning our futures, thinking about flats and the like, but we couldn't bring ourselves to do it, practical as we both usually were. I suspected Dumbledore had given our year and the years around us so many liberties knowing that so many of us would die young.

What if it was me? What if it was Remus?

I wanted to be the one to say it out loud, that I was afraid, but the words just died in my throat. Remus didn't say them either, although I knew he wanted to as well, so we just laid there in that classroom on that loveseat holding each other.

Finally, I managed to say, "I love you."

It didn't matter that we'd just said it twenty minutes prior. Remus whispered back, "I love you too."

And it was truly all we could say, all there was to be said. We weren't supposed to be scared, we were supposed to feel invincible.

And so we were just in love.

For a little while, it could be enough.


	30. Stuff: Meet Fan

Lily Evans could make me attend class and stop drinking and all those other slightly painful things but she couldn't stop me from plotting her death.

Things were getting bad too quickly for my taste. I knew that my breaking point was coming faster than I wanted it to and that when it arrived that Sirius was going to have to be history. I just wanted to make the time we had left count.

The problem with making the time count was that I was completely out of my league. My experience with celibate relationships was nonexistent and with all the restrictions Evan put on me wasn't making anything easier. I'd already began plotting all the things I was going to do to her after our arrangement was over but that didn't help me with what I was presently going to do with Sirius. It just made me feel a little better knowing that she was going to have to live in fear of my wrath.

I was up to forty four rules on Evans' growing list. It was making life impossible, let a romance. I'd been banned from the Boys' Dormitory with her rule number forty three and all public displays of affection were banned with rule forty two. Rules number thirty six, thirty eight and thirty nine prohibited snogging in broom cupboards, the library, and unused classrooms respectively. I literally could not put my hands on him anywhere.

As much as Evans' Rules were driving me out of what was left of my mind, I tried to focus on the positive side of things. Sure, eventually it was going to lead to the end of Sirius and I's relationship and that could possibly kill me. On the positive side, however, that was going to make it open season on my least favorite flaming ginger from hell. Oh all the things I was going to do to that horrid bint…

That's enough ranting about Evans though. As much as she liked to think she ruled my life I had more important things going on in my life than her control complex. Like Sirius, for example. He was much more pleasant to think about than that Ginger Devil. He'd probably be more pleasant to think about if I could actually put my hands on him though. Between Evans' Rules and his self-imposed celibacy I was lucky to get within a few feet of him. Luckily the weather wasn't too terrible and we could find a little bit of solace in the grounds. At least there I wasn't breaking Evans' Rules and I could escape a bit of her soulless ginger rage.

To get outside, though, I had to survive breakfast. Breakfast, like I've said many times before and will say again, was the epitome of hell for me. It was also when I felt like I was most likely to stab someone with my butter knife.

This morning was particular bad. I never get post but today a large tawny owl came swooping into the Great Hall and aimed for my head.

Its bony head collided with my forehead, nearly making me break one of Evans' rules and let out a very colorful string of curses. I managed to contain myself, untying the letter from the owl's foot. It let out a collection of hooting noises before stealing my piece of toast and flying off.

"Stupid bird," I muttered to myself, breaking the envelope's seal. I expected it to be from my parents, cursing at me for one thing or another. They did that every once in a while. It was like they wanted me to remember that I was still a disappointment in their eyes. The script, however, was too messy and cramped for it to belong to either of my parents. Once my eyes reached the greeting of "Dear Little Sister", I stopped reading.

"Problems?" Sirius questioned, watching me with a concerned look.

I shook my head, forcing a smile as I balled up the letter, "Nope. Just nothing worth reading."

He looked unconvinced but didn't press the issue. He returned his attention back to the plate of bacon and sausage in front of him, looking up at me curiously every once in a while.

"Clark," Lily said suddenly, looking up from her breakfast.

I turned to her, trying not to let all the loathing I was feeling become evident in my stare, "Yes, Lily?"

"There's an exam in Transfiguration today," she informed me. "Are you ready for it?"

Was I ready for it? Of course I was ready for it. The Ginger Bitch had been making me study for two hours a day and she demanded I never get below an E on any assignment (refer to rule number thirty four). I didn't have a choice but to be ready. "Yes," I replied evenly.

"And how well do you think you're going to do on it? An A? An E? An O?" she pressed, batting her eyelashes at me in a demonic kind of a way.

"Definitely at least an E. This one should be pretty easy," I answered. That was a lie. This exam was probably going to be the hardest thing I'd ever done in my entire life but I wasn't about to admit that to her of all people.

"Well I hope you're right," she commented in a falsely innocent tone. "Wouldn't it just be a shame if you weren't as prepared as you thought?"

And wouldn't it just be a shame if I broke my breakfast plate over your fat, evil head? "I'm not worried about it," I assured her, trying to stop myself from hurling myself at her from across the table.

"Erm, Cherry, Ashley, come with me to the lavatory," Ali suddenly announced, practically dragging me from the table. Ashley followed behind us in confusion as we were ushered away.

"Puff, what are you doing?" I inquired as I was swept away into the lavatory.

"Saving Hogwarts from a nuclear explosion," she answered. "I didn't know if you or Lily were going to burst first but you two were headed towards knock-down-drag-out. Believe me, I was doing you a favor."

I chuckled at how much she'd changed since she asked me to test Sirius' fidelity. Before she'd have never even tried to get in between Evans and I when we started heading down the path to a bloodbath. "I appreciate it, Puff, but it wasn't necessary. Trust me, that was mild for Lily and I."

"Why do you call her that?" she questioned. "Before the past few weeks I've never heard you call her anything but Evans or some sort of insulting nickname. What's changed?"

"Nothing," I lied breezily with a shrug.

"Liar!" she accused. "I know something's happening with you two. You've been acting weird lately. She's got some sort of hold on you so what is it?"

Oh silly, silly Puff. Even if I wanted to tell her, I couldn't. Well, I could technically. There wasn't a rule that said that I couldn't talk about them. It just wouldn't do any good. She couldn't contain the sadistic Satan inside of Evans and I didn't really want to admit that the Ginger Hellspawn was exercising this much power over me so easily. My pride had taken enough hits during this school year and I wasn't going to sign up for another one so easily. "Just don't worry about it. It's just an adjustment period," I assured her. "Lily and I are just learning to co-exist. It's better for everyone if you don't get involved. Trust me, it won't help anything."

She looked unconvinced, "Are you sure? You haven't been yourself lately. You're doing things that you'd never usually do."

"Yeah and the things that I would usually do got my best mate killed and turned me into an alcoholic who was about to fail out of school," I pointed out bluntly.

"So you're okay?" she questioned dubiously. "Everything with you and Lily is alright?"

I nodded, "Of course. Trust me, this is good for everyone involved. The less Lily and I try to kill each other, the more smoothly things will go for everyone. Just trust me." It was almost disconcerting how natural that lie sounded. If I didn't know better then I would have believed myself that everything that was happening with Lily was peachy keen.

"Well if you're sure," she nodded slowly.

"I am," I confidently informed her. "Now can we please go destroy this Transfiguration exam already? I didn't study all week just for kicks."

She smiled weakly and nodded, "Sure. Let's go."

The examination was a bitch and a half. I don't know why anyone would care so much about turning useless things into even more useless things. It an exam of almost everything we'd learned in our six and a half years of schooling. Honestly, most of the content was ridiculous. I mean, who wants to turn a hedgehog into a pin cushion? What's the use of a hedgehog? Why would I even want a pin cushion? No one at Hogwarts even sews, except for maybe Madam Pomfrey. She seems like the arts and crafts type of woman. Maybe it helps soothe her obvious anxiety issues. Either way, I'd rather learn how to turn things into useful things that I might actually use someday rather than something I'll never use.

Despite the uselessness of the entire exam, I felt pretty confident about my performance. It might have been a pointless test but I still had to dominate it or face Evans' wrath. She's already given me a glimpse of the consequences I was risking by crossing her. When I'd accidentally slipped up once and called her "Evans", she convinced Potter to convince Sirius that she and Potter had seen me with another man. All it took was for one of them to mention the fact that it looked vaguely similar to Riley Alexander and Sirius was flying off the handle. After hours of yelling on his part and a little bit of crying on my part, Potter and Evan finally conceded that maybe they hadn't seen me. Maybe they just saw Sarah Jones, a Hufflepuff girl who had the same blond hair as me. If that was her punishment for accidentally calling her by her surname then I really couldn't risk breaking any of her bigger rules.

Sirius didn't seem nearly as excited as I was to be done with the exam. The exam was over and that meant that we had nearly an hour and a half free period before lunch. I nearly had to drag him outside of the castle to enjoy the fleeting sunshine. It wasn't going to last forever and winter was coming. I wanted to be able to enjoy the grounds as much as I could before the cold weather came.

"Cherry," he spoke slowly, taking a seat at the base of an oak tree. "Why don't you come and sit with me?"

"Uh okay?" I replied, not liking his tone. It sounded like he wanted to say something and that made me paranoid. Had I done something to brass Evans off? Had I unknowingly broken one of her rules and now I was going to have to pay for it? "What's going on?"

"Don't be mad."

"Why is it that everyone always says that before they do something that they know is going to make someone angry? It's like saying 'no offense' before telling someone completely offensive," I ranted anxiously. "I mean telling someone not to get mad isn't going to make them any less mad, especially if you do something that constitutes getting mad about. I mean, it doesn't soften the blow or anything so why say it? To prepare someone so that they know that they're probably going to get mad over what you're about to say? It just doesn't –"

"Cherry, love, you're rambling," he interrupted with a small smirk.

"Fine," I waved him off. "What is it that's going to get me mad? I'll try not to get too explosive."

His smirk suddenly turned to a sheepish expression, "I – Well, I – Erm -" He dug into his pocket, retrieving a piece of balled up parchment. "It just kind of happened."

"Is that my letter?" I inquired, my voice low and exceedingly cold.

"I just wanted to know what was going on with you!" he explained quickly. "You wouldn't tell me and I was afraid that something was really wrong! I just wanted to make sure everything's okay!"

I scoffed irritably, "My personal letters aren't any of your business. If I wanted you to know what they said then I'd tell you. You don't have any right to go prying into my things!"

"I just wanted to make sure everything was alright with you! I just did it because I care!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah well caring for someone isn't an excuse for reading other people's post," I informed him hotly. "You don't get to use that as a 'get out of jail free' card. You still have to respect my right for privacy."

"I do!" he assured me. "I just want to make sure you're alright!"

"Well you need to do that without crossing the line and trust me, reading someone's post without their permission is definitely crossing that line."

"Well what am I supposed to do then?" he demanded frantically. "If you won't tell me what's going on then how else am I supposed to know? What do you want me to do? Have to hear about everything going on in your life from the gossip-mongers and have to try to sort out the truth from the fiction?"

"Of course not." I didn't want the gossip-mongers and the rumor mill to have anything to do with our relationship.

"Well then what? Tell me what I'm supposed to do then," he implored. "How am I supposed to find out what's going on with you if you won't tell me?"

As much as I hated to admit it, he had a point. "Don't do it again."

"I won't but that really doesn't answer my question," he pointed out.

"Alright fine, you're right, okay? Is that what you want to hear? You're right. You can't understand things you don't know and you can't know things I don't tell you," I conceded begrudgingly.

"And?" he gestured for me to continue.

"And I'll try to keep you more informed with here on out if you agree to stop reading my post," I sighed.

"I promise," he agreed.

"Alright good," I smiled, leaning back on the oak tree.

He didn't reply. He stared pensively across the Grounds. I hated it when he was pensive. It was like his entire face lost any noticeable emotion and I couldn't ever tell what he was thinking or feeling. It was like watching a stone statue.

Eventually, after what left like eons, he spoke, "Love, you and I –" I never got to hear what he had to say about him and I. Potter ruined a potential moment in the making.

"Pads! Pads!" he hysterically exclaimed, his breath ragged from running. He bent over, grabbing his knees as he took a few shallow breaths. "Pads, we've got – Dumbledore – We've got to go."

Sirius nodded, obviously understanding more of what Potter said than I did, "I'll be right there. Cherry, I –"

"Leave the bint and let's go!" Potter snapped before sprinting back towards the castle. You'd have thought that a Quidditch captain would have better cardio.

I was shocked at being so blatantly called a "bint" by my boyfriend's best mate. I knew that Potter didn't like me but I never thought he'd call me that, especially not in front of Sirius. Sirius also looked pretty stunned by his mate's choice of words.

"He didn't mean that," he assured me.

I knew that he was wrong but I nodded anyways, "I know."

"I've got to go see Dumbledore now, alright? I want you to go straight back to the Common Room and wait for me, alright? Promise me you'll go straight there," he informed me in a hurried tone.

"What's happening?" I questioned. "What was he talking about?"

"I don't know. It could be nothing but it could be – Just go back to the Common Room, alright? No detours, okay? I don't want to risk anything until I find out what's going on. Just promise me, okay?" His eyes pleaded with me. "Please?"

I nodded slowly, "I promise."

He gave me a tight smile, helping to pull me to my feet, "I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?"

I nodded again to show I understood. He and I hurried back into the castle; not speaking about all the possible reasons Potter could need him in Dumbledore's Office. We parted ways in silence after he and I reached the First Floor.

I walked to Gryffindor Tower in a conundrum. I promised Sirius that I would stay in the Tower until he got back but Evans' Rules said that I wasn't allowed to skip classes anymore. What if he didn't get back until after the lessons started? I didn't want to have to follow Evans' Rules and go against my promise to Sirius but I knew that Evans would be less than understanding. What the hell was I talking about? Of course I wasn't going to follow Evans' Rules. She could make me do a lot of things but she couldn't make me break a promise to him. If he was going to break up with me then I would have preferred it be over a lie made up by Evans than one of my own.

I tried to be patient as I waited in the Common Room, ignoring the hum of students around me that were struggling to finish their homework before their lessons. My thoughts were too preoccupied with Sirius to care about their procrastination. Why would the Headmaster need to see Potter and Sirius in his office? Was something wrong? Were they in trouble? It took a lot of trouble for Dumbledore to deal out the punishment and I hadn't seen either one of them making too many waves lately. Had something happened? With all the Death Eater tension going on in the outside world, it was a definite possibility.

I wringed my hands anxiously, watching the clock. With every minute passed by that Sirius didn't walk through the portrait hole I could feel myself grow more and more restless. Something had to have happened but what?

"Clark, what are you doing? Have you forgotten we have Defense this afternoon?" I heard Evans ask in a sickly sweet, mockingly concerned tone.

"I'm waiting for Sirius," I replied stonily.

"And are you going to class?" she pressed impatiently.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "It depends on when he gets back from Dumbledore's office."

"Aw, did your boyfriend get in trouble again?" she smirked, making me wonder why anyone ever saw her as something other than a horrid bitch from hell.

"Yours too apparently," I retorted, trying to contain my anger at her haughty expression. "He's with Dumbledore too."

Her smirk quickly dropped from her face, "What? What did they do this time?"

I shrugged, not wanting to tell her anything other than to sod off, "Apparently it's urgent but I don't know what it is."

"Is something wrong? Did something happen?" she quickly inquired, her tone suddenly becoming humane. Why couldn't she ever act like a human being all the time?

"I don't know," I repeated irritably. How many times would I have to tell her that before she understood? It wasn't like I got the agenda for Potter and Sirius' meeting with Dumbledore.

"Do you know anything?" she demanded, the humanity in her voice quickly leaving. "Merlin, what's the use of keeping you around when –?"

She was cut off by the almost eerie squeak of the portrait hole opening. My head immediately jerked, drawing my attention to the figures entering the Common Room. My heart plummeted when I saw Sirius' expression. I'd never seen him look so lost like that. His face was filled with a mixture of confusion and grief.

I got to my feet, unsure of what to do in this situation. No one had ever come to me for emotional consoling. I didn't know what he needed me to do or what was expected of me. Should I embrace him? Would that help anything? Should I ask what was wrong?

He approached me first, saving me from having to make the awkward decision of what to do. He threw his arms around me, pulling me to him without a word. I knew then that it didn't matter. It didn't matter if I was breaking one of Evans' Rules and it didn't matter that we were in the middle of the Common Room. Sirius needed me and everyone else could go to hell.

"Are you okay?" I inquired softly, unsure of what to say.

He shook his head, "Mr. – Mr. Potter's dead."

Potter's father died? I knew that Sirius was close to Potter's parents, having been adopted by them practically as a second son after he ran away from home. Everyone in Hogwarts knew that he had a horrible relationship with his parents and that the Potters had taken him in when no one else did. "Oh, my love, I'm so sorry," I told him sincerely, tightening my hold around his middle. "What happened?"

"Death Eaters," he spat the word as if he was trying to get poison out of his mouth. "Mr. Potter had some connections at the Ministry and they saw him as an easy target. They wanted to make an example of him."

"And Mrs. Potter?" I questioned, hoping that he still had one of his adoptive parents still alive.

"A mess but still alive. Luckily for her, they didn't attack him when he was at home. They waited until he was out for a stroll when they sprang him. Bloody cowards. What kind of person even attacks an elderly man from behind?"

I reached one hand up to comforting stroke his hair, "I'm so sorry, love. When's the funeral?"

"We're planning it for some time later this week. James and I are going back to his house tonight to help Mrs. Potter plan it. She's not in any state to plan it by herself. They were married almost fifty seven years," he answered softly.

I tried to think of a more productive way to comfort him. When Robin died, I clung to him for comfort. Now I didn't know how to return the favor. "Sirius, I'm so sorry," I told him, feeling a bit lame for not knowing anything better to tell him. I tried to think of the things that he'd told me to console me after Robin's death but I couldn't remember. I could hardly even recall him speaking at all during my stay at the Hospital Wing. All I could remember was him holding me.

"Come with me?" he requested, an underlying pleading in his voice. "I'd feel better if you were there."

I opened my mouth to assure him that I'd go anywhere he needed me to be but I was promptly interrupted. "That bitch is not going anywhere near my father's funeral!" I could hear Potter snarl. I looked over to see him in a similar position with Evans, his face looking as if he'd been crying. "He might be dead but you're not going to disrespect his memory by bringing a whore to his funeral!"

Sirius let out a throaty growl, tightening his grip protectively. "Shh, love. It's just the grief," I lied easily. Potter definitely meant it personally but with all that was going on, I couldn't let there be some feud when there was a funeral to plan. "We just need to honor his wishes. If he doesn't want me to go then I'm going to have to respect that."

"But I need you," he told me, a lot like a scared child would tell their mum.

I clenched him tightly to me, "I know and I want to be with you but James needs you too. I'm not coming between you during a time like this. I'm always going to be an owl away but I can't come with you. I want to but I just can't."

He sighed and nodded, "I guess I understand. I just don't want to be away from you. I don't want to do this alone."

"You're not going to be alone," I assured him. "James'll be there and I'm sure Lily and Remus and Peter will be there too. And if Remus goes then Ali'll probably go too. You're not going to have to do this alone."

"But they're not you," he pointed out. "It's different."

I couldn't help but feel guilty about making him leave without me. I didn't have a choice though. I couldn't let there be a fight over me when they were still in mourning. Loved ones are too important around the time of someone's death for me to let them start fighting amongst themselves. "I know but I'm going to be right here waiting for you when you get back and you can write me whenever you need to. I know this isn't ideal but it's the only way."

He nodded slowly and somewhat disappointed, "I guess so. I still would feel better if you came with me."

"James needs you and he can't depend on you if he's too angry about you bringing me with you," I reminded him. "It'll only be for a few days, even though now it seems longer than that."

He nodded again, relinquishing his hold on me, "I'm – I'm going to go pack. Just wait here for me, alright?"

I nodded, giving him a weak smile, "Okay."

He collected himself, starting towards the Boys' Dormitory. I took my seat back on the sofa, feeling somewhat useless in the whole situation. I couldn't comfort him and I couldn't honor his wishes. Maybe Evans was right. What was I good for anyways?

Potter separated himself from Evans, joining Sirius in packing to leave for the Potter's. Their parting wasn't nearly as reluctant as Sirius and I's, probably because they knew that they didn't have a limited amount of time together. Sirius and I only had a few minutes but Evans wasn't going to be banned from going with them. Sirius knew better than to try to separate them during such a hard time, a decency that was apparently lost on Potter. I suppose I wasn't surprised because I knew that almost none of Sirius' mates liked me but it was still a hard pill to swallow.

"Thank you," I heard Evans say. At first I thought she was speaking to someone else but I soon realized that she was looking straight at me.

"For what?" I inquired; shocked that she would thank me for anything. Her Rules might have made me use "please" and "thank you" but she never returned the favor.

"For letting him go," she replied. "Things could've gotten ugly if you hadn't so thank you."

I nodded. She was thanking me for accepting Potter's prejudice? Well, I suppose I had heard weirder things that day. "They need each other more than he needs me," I admitted, though it was painful to say.

She nodded back before trotting off to the Girls' Dormitory, probably to pack for her trip. I had to admit that I was jealous that she was allowed to follow her boyfriend without anyone holding her back. I had already been facing some consequences that came with having a boyfriend whose friends hated me but this wasn't a consequence that I saw coming. I'd never expected that it'd keep me away from Sirius when he was mourning the loss of someone who was like a father to him. That was something that I never saw coming.

After Sirius packed for his trip to the Potter's, I followed him into Dumbledore's office. Ali, Remus and Pettigrew were already there, somehow having packed without my noticing that either of the boys were in the Tower. I'd been right about Ali being allowed to go at least. I wasn't surprised though. The Marauders had always been a tight-knit group and I could imagine that all four of them were attached to Potter's parents. I hadn't met them before but from what Sirius had told me, I knew that they'd been very welcoming to all of Potter's mates. I wondered if they would have liked me because their foster son loved me or if they would have disliked me because their biological son hated me. I suppose it didn't matter because Mr. Potter was dead and Mrs. Potter was in too much grief to pass judgment on anyone.

I watched all the Marauders and their girlfriends, besides me, floo back to the Potter's without me. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel but my heart wrenched as I was left alone in the office with Dumbledore. I muttered my thanks to him for letting me come to say goodbye before scurrying out of his office.

I suppose the best word to describe the way that I felt would be rejected. I knew that Evans and Potter really didn't like me but it'd never had such a devastating effect on anything before. Sure, Evans' Rules made life a little irritating and difficult but it really only affected my patience. Now they were gone and I was left behind. It felt kind of like when you're a kid and you watch the kids around you go off to play and they tell you that you can't come too. I knew that they weren't going to play and that they were planning and attending a funeral but it still had the same kind of isolating feeling of being singled out.

I tried to think of it as an opportunity to free myself from Evans' grasp for a while. For the first time in weeks, I was going to be able to wake up every morning without having more obnoxious and ridiculous rules piling up for me. She wasn't going to be about to monitor my ever move. At the same time, though, that came with a cost. I wasn't going to see her smirking face every day but I wasn't going to see Sirius either. To me, that negative far out-weighed the positive.

I didn't even know what I was going to do with myself. My entire life had revolved around Sirius and trying to survive Evans' Rules. What was I going to do with myself now that neither one of them were going to be around to affect my life? There was no way around it: This sucked.


	31. Viva La Vida

_"I used to rule the world. Seas would rise when I gave the word. Now in the morning I sleep alone... One minute I held the key, next the walls were closed on me and I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand._

_ -Coldplay, Viva La Vida_

We left for James's house pretty much the minute I was informed that his father had been killed. Lily and Ashley helped me pack a bag quickly and then Lily, James, Sirius, Peter, Remus, and I Flooed basically right into arms of a hysterically sobbing elderly woman who was explained by Remus to be Mrs. Potter.

The first thing I learned about James's was that it was _huge_. So huge, in fact, that we each had our rooms for the short time we in Remus's room and I was certain that Lily would be staying in James's room. In fact, I happened to know that James had proposed already. Lily kept the ring in a box beneath her pillow, 'considering', which really meant trying to decide when to announce the happy news to the rest of the word.

Mr. Potter's funeral would put her timing off a bit, of course.

It was funny, Lily was the most stubborn person I'd met, but when she changed her mind she did it suddenly and completely. The war probably didn't help either, looming over all our heads, the recent death making it all even more real.

The next thing I noticed was, in fact the lack of Cherry's presence. I knew better than to ask Sirius about it, even though I knew he was very, very hurt she wasn't there. It just didn't seem like something Cherry would do. She was intensely loyal to those she cared about and there wasn't a doubt in my mind that she cared about Sirius more than anything.

So I asked Remus.

"I don't get it," I whispered as we go ready for bed in his room. I tried hard not to get distracted by the sight of him peeling off his shirt, which was difficult, but I shook my head a bit to refocus. "Why didn't Cherry come with us? I'm here with you, I never met Mr. Potter, and you're not even family. Did he not ask her?"

"No, he did," Remus said with a yawn, climbing into bed and motioning for me to join him. Despite my concern that lying in his arms would completely distract me, I also reasoned that it would be impolite to refuse so I quickly got under the covers and cuddled up against him. "In fact," he whispered, "I'd say he begged her."

"So she said no?" I muttered, running my fingers along the scars on his torso out of habit.

"Not exactly," he sighed, his skin forming goose bumps under my fingers. "Merlin, Ali, how do you expect me to carry on a conversation when you do that?"

"Sorry," I whispered, pulling my hand hastily, but to my surprise he grabbed my wrist, moving closer.

"She said no because James didn't want her here and she didn't want to make problems. He called her a whore and all kinds of other things. Conversation over."

With that he rolled me over onto my back and began kissing my neck hungrily. At first I just gave into the sensation, allowing my brain to tune out but then part of what he said sank in and I pulled away, furious.

"James called her a _what_?" I hissed.

Remus sighed heavily.

"The moment's dead, isn't it?" he muttered.

"He called her a _whore_?"

"Ali, calm down."

"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to go over there right now and rip him limb from limb."

"No you're not," Remus said firmly. "Even in his dying moments, James is not allowed to see you in this outfit."

"It's a t-shirt and shorts."

"A very tight t-shirt and very short shorts. He's not seeing it, period."

"Remus, I can't just let him say things like that! She's my best friend!"

"I thought Lily was your best friend."

"So did I," I sighed. "Not lately. Lately I want to strangle her."

"I don't know where this violent streak came from," Remus whispered against my neck, "but I know we can put it to better use..."

"_Remus!_"

"Ali," he whined, "Cherry let it go, said it was the grief! I know it's weird but it's not my business and it's really not yours either so will you please just shut up and let me make love to you?"

"Fine," I pouted, "but I'm ignoring James until he apologizes to Cherry and means it. I don't care if his dad died or not."

I could almost picture Remus rolling his eyes as he whispered, "I'm sure he'll be devastated. Now get over here so I can worship you."

True to my word, I said nothing more about the matter that night, although I didn't really say anything intelligible except Remus's name. The next morning, however, as Remus 'helped' me put my dress robes on, I said, "I'm doing it, you know."

"Doing what, love?" he muttered, only briefly moving his mouth from my shoulder that he was keeping me from putting in my robes.

"I'm ignoring James," I said firmly. "Until he apologizes."

Remus snorted, pulling back to grin at me.

"Firstly," he said as though explaining a complex charm, "James won't care if you aren't speaking to him. He doesn't like talking to you anyway. Secondly, he'll never apologize sincerely because he means it, and you know it and I know it and Cherry knows it and none of us are ever going to convince ourselves that he means any apology, so you're basically saying you're never speaking to James again, and you'll never be able to do that."

"And why not?" I snapped, pulling my dress robes on all the way.

Remus whimpered, but when I glared at him he silenced immediately.

"Because," he said with a smirk, pulling me in close, "he'll do something else to make you rightfully upset and you'll not be able to resist the temptation to scream at him."

"What did Sirius do now?" Lily asked, sweeping in with her black dress (she didn't have dress robes, and thankfully James's mother didn't care).

"Not Sirius," Remus said, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling be back into his comfortable embrace. "James."

"What about James?" Lily asked, brushing her hair out of her eyes.

"Excuse me?" I cried, leaping forward. "What is _that_?"

I was pointing, of course, to the engagement ring that ought to have been in a box under her pillow but was instead comfortably nestled on her left hand.

"You know what it is," she said, flushing uncomfortably, minimally to her credit. "James and I decided the time was right."

"You decided that his _father's funeral_ was the right time to announce your hasty, rushed engagement?" I hissed. "When's the wedding? Or are you waiting for someone else to die?"

"Ali," Remus said softly, warningly.

"You're just jealous," Lily spat.

"Oh, am I?" I prompted furiously.

"Yes," she snapped. "You're jealous because Remus won't ask you to marry him because he _can't_."

My jaw dropped and Remus held me tightly, probably thinking I was going to charge her or something, but I was too stunned to move. I wanted to rip her hair out. I wanted to gouge her eyes out. I at least wanted to smack her across the face, but I was paralyzed as the corners of my vision blurred and I began to panic.

Remus couldn't see my crying about it, he just couldn't. He would feel guilty and it wasn't his fault.

"Lily," Remus began, and I could hear the hurt and anger in his voice, but I cut him off.

"You're right," I said, forcing my voice to a steady, dangerous calm. "Remus and I can't get married. But that's all right because I love him, and as far as I'm concerned, we already are."

Remus's arms tightened around me and I thought I could feel him purr against my back.

"But you and James," I scoffed, "you're making his father's death all about you! You get engaged, James bullies Cherry out of coming-"

"That's what you're upset with James about?" Lily snarled. "She was fine with it. She knows her place, and it wouldn't have been right for her to be here with James not wanting it."

"What about Sirius?" I snapped. "He was practically his father too, and you _know_ he wanted her here! James called her a _whore_!"

"So?" Lily hissed. "She is!"

I blinked. Remus tensed behind me, but I wasn't going to attack her. I turned around and smiled at him.

"We should probably go to breakfast, love," I cooed. "We wouldn't want to be late. Mrs. Potter has enough to worry about today."

"Yes, darling," he smirked. "Are you coming, Lily?"

"Come _on_, Remus," I sighed, walking right past Lily to the doorway, not even looking at her.

"I'll be right there, love," he said quickly. "I've got to do my tie. I won't be long."

I left the room and stood in the hallway just far enough from the door to still hear Lily say, "What is she doing, Remus?"

"I believe she's ignoring you, as she is James, until you give genuine apologies to Cherry. She's upset. You hurt her friend." He paused. "And to tell you the truth, I'm upset you hurt Ali. I can't believe you said that."

Lily sighed.

"I know, it was terrible," she said sadly. "I was just so upset that she wasn't happy for me and I said the worst thing I could think of. This has gotten out of hand."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, Remus."

"I know."

"Do you think we're being selfish, getting engaged?"

There was a pause and I realized I was holding my breath.

"Yes," he said finally, "but I can't blame you. If I could, I would do the same. I would have begged her to marry me the very first time we kissed if I could have, but I can't. It kills me to know I can't give her what she deserves."

"Remus, I'm so sorry."

"You're apologizing to the wrong person, Lily."

"But Ali's being ridiculous! How am I supposed to apologize to someone who's pretending I don't exist?"

"I meant Cherry. I have to go, I'm sure Ali's waiting for me, but you already know what you should do, Lily. I can't make you do it."

I jumped when he came into the hall and grinned at me.

"I was listening in," I admitted as we walked down the stars and he slipped his hand in mine.

"I know," he teased. "I love you, Ali."

"I love you too, Remus," I sighed, bracing myself for a long, hard, depressing day. I almost said 'I know' instead of 'I love you', but in spite of how strong he was acting, I was sure that he needed reassurance more than he was willing to let on to my face.

Breakfast was awkward. It was incredibly obvious that Mrs. Potter was thrilled to be welcoming Lily into the family, which made me feel like an insensitive idiot. Sirius seemed sullen and miserable. And every time James asked me to pass something Remus had to cover for my obviously feigned deafness. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when it was over and we headed to the funeral, which was being held in a local council building that was, admittedly, beautiful. It was better than anything my local council owned, that was for sure, but I had a suspicion that the Potters had donated a lot of money for it at some point.

I sat between Sirius and Remus, pretending not to hear Lily sneeze, even when everyone but me said something to her, blessing her and all that.

Sirius was already crying and I didn't know what to do. Lily was laying her head on James's shoulder, wrapping her arms around his torso in a comforting way, and petting his unruly hair. I obviously couldn't do that with Sirius, and Cherry wasn't around to, so I covered one of his clenched fists with my hand and patted it for a moment.

It felt awkward, though, so I quietly pried his fingers out of the fist and laced them into mine, holding Remus's hand in one and Sirius's hand in the other. After a moment Sirius brought his other hand over and grasped our entwined hands firmly, and we sat like that for the rest of the service.

There were a long line of family, friends, former colleagues, and Ministry wizards who got up to speak, all singing the praises of and discussing the life of Harrison Potter. To my surprise, however, I learned that Sirius had declined to speak and that Remus was taking his place on Mrs. Potter's request. I could feel my heart pounding as he magnified his voice and I barely noticed Sirius squeeze my hand a little tighter.

"Mr. Potter was my best friend's father, but he was so much more than that," he began, clearing his throat slightly. "As many of you know, when my good friend Sirius Black ran away from home, Mr. Potter not only took him in, but treated him as his own child, as Mrs. Potter still does today. And without actually taking us in, my friend Peter and I were always welcome as part of the family.

"Mr. Potter has helped me in ways I could never express, and has encouraged me so many times that I could be up here all day telling you about it, but I'll try to be brief and tell you about the most recent time he reminded me of the most important things in life.

"Those of you who know me know I'm not the most self-confident bloke. You see, being poor and sickly when your best friends are the richest, best-looking, most talented boys at school isn't easy, so when I developed my first crush I kept it more to myself, not wanting to embarrass myself. Mr. Potter, though, he was one of those people who noticed things and one day when James and Sirius were out playing Quidditch he turned to me, handed me some chocolate and butterbeer and asked, 'Who is she?'

"I was so surprised," Remus continued when the knowing chuckles died down, "that I didn't even have time to be shy about it and her name just sort of fell out of my mouth. He could tell I was embarrassed so he spent an hour telling me stories of his own dating life at my age before asking me what I liked about her."

I tensed, wondering if he was possibly talking about me. I wanted to think he was talking about me, but he said his _first_ crush, hadn't he? That couldn't be me.

"I said, 'everything'."

There were more knowing chuckles and Remus waited for it to dissipate before continuing.

"He gave me the best advice anyone has ever given me. he said, 'Remus, if you can't face your fears, swallow your pride, and go after what you want no matter the obstacles the only changes in your life will be bad ones. If you ever want something good whether you think you deserve it or not, you've got to do something about it.' And he was right. he was always right.

"But he wasn't just right about Ali," Remus continued and I jumped a bit to hear my name. Sirius smirked a little at my reaction but Remus had continued talking. "The war is the same. Bad things have already happened. It's why we're here. But if we don't do something about it, if we don't make a stand, things can only get worse. I don't know about you, but I do not want to go to a lot more funerals for people I care about in the next few years, so we should do something about it."

He turned to the casket and said a bit softer, "Thank you, Mr. Potter, for all the great advice. I only wish you could have met her."

After the service, there were a lot of people neither of us knew coming up to Remus and I, congratulating us and thanking him for his inspiring speech and complimenting me. One very old man actually said to Remus, "She's quite a looker, son. You hold on to her."

Remus smiled genially and replied, "I don't intend to ever let go, sir."

He wrapped an arm around my waist, guiding me through the crowd, obviously embarrassed by all of the attention. When we got toward the food table Mrs. Potter had prepared, however, James approached us.

"So, Marren, you even managed to hijack my father's funeral. You must be so proud."

I wanted so badly to punch James in the face or even make a snide remark about his own announcement of his engagement during his speech, but instead I turned to Remus and said, "I'm tired, love. Let's go to bed for a bit."

James spluttered angrily, but Remus just kissed my forehead, said goodbye to James, and led me back into the house and up to his room where he carefully removed my dress robes.

"I love you," he whispered reverently as I helped him out of his dress robes.

"I think everybody knows now," I teased, kissing his lips gently before crawling into bed.

"I didn't mean to say your name," he admitted nervously. "I was a bit caught up in the moment. Sorry if I embarrassed you."

He slid into the bed beside me and I just smiled at him, kissing him eagerly to show him how completely fine I was with the whole thing, but I got caught up in the moment too, pressing my body against his.

"I thought you were tired," he murmured amused, against my lips as he rolled me over, growling low.

"I just wanted to get out of there," I sighed. I ran my fingers through his hair as he began to kiss and nibble on my neck.

Things had already changed so much, and I wondered who all had noticed. As I threw my head back I thought about the ever-growing pressure growing in our dysfunctional group, courtesy of whatever was going on between Lily and Cherry. It was sure to explode soon. I was amazed it hadn't yet, but it was a testament to how much Cherry loved Sirius.

Sirius...

He wasn't behaving at all like himself. Not sleeping with Cherry, ignoring her odd behavior willfully, and not standing up to James like he said he would when they started out... I couldn't recall him saying more than five words since we'd gotten to the Potter manor, and those had been short, sullen words. I was going to get to the bottom of it.

Once Remus and I had our fill of lying in bed together and I felt strong enough to walk normally, I dressed and wandered up the hall to Sirius's room. It was empty, so I searched the house until I found him in a study that most have belonged to Mr. Potter.

Sirius was sitting in a handsomely crafted ebony chair, staring down at the matching desk like it was telling him terrible news. I knocked on the open door and he started, looking up at me briefly before turning back to the desk.

"Can I come in?" I asked.

He shrugged and I sat down on the desk, swinging my legs. I nearly laughed, thinking of a time not so far in the past when he would have loved my doing that and said I was teasing him. Instead he just stared at the wood in front of him.

For a while we just sat there, not speaking, just taking in each other's company.

Finally, he said, "Ali, I've screwed everything up. It's all my fault."

I wondered what he was talking about and I felt a strong sense of deja vu, recalling our breakup.

Our breakup...

"Sirius, are you talking about Cherry?"

"I'm talking about everything," he moaned. "Cherry, you, everything. Even Mr. Potter's death."

"Sirius, that's crazy," I snapped. "You are _not_ responsible for his death-"

"It was my cousin!" Sirius roared. "Bellatrix was the one who killed Mr. Potter and she even sent me a note to brag about it, to tell me it was what he got for messing up the Black Family Heir. And Cherry wouldn't come because of James and I needed her. Ali, I'm ruining everything and I don't know what to do!"

"Oh," Sirius," I sighed, not knowing what else to say. I just hugged him, hoping that I could find some way to pick up the pieces of the explosion I was sure would happen. I couldn't abandon them, either of them, not when they both needed me.

But what could I do?


	32. Breaking Point

Being left at Hogwarts when everyone that I associated with had left was very depressing. I tried to distract myself from the rejection by finishing Sirius and I's Muggle Studies project but I finished it within a few hours, leaving me without any distraction. I did every assignment that was assigned to me days before it was due, just trying to keep myself from thinking about everything that had happened.

_"That bitch is not going anywhere near my father's funeral! He might be dead but you're not going to disrespect his memory by bringing a whore to his funeral!"_ I knew that Potter's words shouldn't have been so hurtful but it was. I'd been with Sirius for weeks at that point and Potter just wasn't changing his mind around me. He wasn't nearly as blatantly vicious as Evans but he definitely wasn't a member of my fan club. Actually, I think he was a member of the "Let's Make Cherry Clark Crash and Burn" club. If Sirius didn't value him so much then I might not have minded so much. If the most important thing a girlfriend could do was make her boyfriend's mates like her then having her boyfriend's mate/brother stand her was exponentially more important. The problem was that I wasn't going to probably ever make Potter like me. I could take the abuse, hold my tongue and let him run rampant over me but I was never going to be able to make him look at me like I wasn't something particularly disgusting stuck to the bottom of his shoe. I didn't know how much of that was Evans' influence but even if she wasn't a factor then he probably still wouldn't like me. He might have tolerated me more but that was about it. I just didn't understand why they were being like this.

It was true that Evans and I had been warring for all of eternity but things had changed. I changed my habits, cleaned up my act and I was just never going to meet her expectations. I had a better chance of making my parents accept me than her. My parents despised me because I despised their beliefs but Evans? Sure, I'd given her a hard time but so many things had changed. I'd given up drinking, drugs, skipping class and harassing her but it just wasn't good enough. Maybe that was the point. Maybe the point was that I was never going to be good enough for her to like me. She was never going to get over her prejudice against me and that meant that Sirius and I were never going to work out in the end. It was a sad truth but it was the truth nonetheless.

I needed to talk to Sirius about this. I needed to explain to him all that was happening and just try to make a clean break. I didn't know if a clean break was possible given all of the circumstances but I had to try. He and I weren't going to be able to be mates after this, mostly because it was going to make my heart feel like I was going to explode if I was next to him and I couldn't have him. I needed to put an end to this. After things calmed down and the grief of Mr. Potter's death was a little less potent, I was going to break up with him.

Just thinking about Sirius and I not being together was painful. I didn't know how I was going to manage to even say the words and tell him that I had to say goodbye. I had time to prepare for it but I wasn't sure that I was ever going to be truly prepared for what had to be done. I wished that things were different, that I didn't have to come to this. The circumstances weren't anything that I could change. I couldn't make Potter and Evans like me and I couldn't make them matter less to Sirius. I probably wouldn't if I could. He needed them, especially Potter. I could never ask him to choose between us so I was just going to have to bow out as gracefully as I could.

I spent the rest of the time that everyone was gone at the funeral to try and prepare myself as much as I could for everything that was going to have to happen. I tried to think of all the things that I was going to have to tell him to try to make him understand. I would show him all of Evans' Rules and I would use as many examples as I could of Potter and Evans' hatred towards him. I would tell him that I couldn't live like this anymore and that I loved him but I couldn't keep doing this to myself. Then I would walk away, probably to cry my eyes out and wallow like I was mourning the death of a person rather than a relationship. Finally, after I finished my crying and wallowing then I was going to make Evans' life hell for her rules. I was going to make one last appearance as the old Cherry Clark and I was going to use all my old techniques to make her regret ever ruining my life. And then, finally, I was going to throw myself into my NEWTs and try to survive the rest of the school year.

My plan seemed relatively foolproof but I knew that it probably wasn't going to work out as smoothly as I planned in real life. Maybe Evans would retaliate and I'd have to strike back or maybe Potter would make it his mission in life to make me regret getting involved with Sirius. I didn't know exactly what was going to happen but I wasn't worried. Once I told Sirius goodbye then the worst of it would be over. If Potter wanted a piece of me then he could try. It'd been weeks since I got into my last toe-to-toe with someone properly and I was itching to get back to being able to confront people.

The only thing that I knew for sure about this break up was that I wasn't going back to my old habits when it was over. No more Firewhiskey. No more pills. No more smoking. No more shagging at random. I couldn't relapse. It was going to be hard, especially since the pain of Sirius and I's breakup was going to be fresh, but I had to fight through it. I had my pride to think about it. Though it'd been battered and bruised during the past few weeks, I couldn't risk everyone seeing me as some sort of train wreck because of the breakup. Potter and Evans would take too much pleasure in seeing a breakup that they'd helped orchestrate destroy me. NEWTs were coming up too and I needed to be sober and alert for them anyways.

Preparing for the breakup wasn't the only thing that happened while everyone was gone to the funeral. Riley approached me one morning during breakfast. I was sitting alone and this was probably the only time that he could have come to me without Sirius being there to growl at him for being too close to me.

"Hi," he told me, somewhat uncomfortably as he took a seat across from me.

"Wotcher," I gave him a small smile before diverting my eyes back to the plate in front of me. I hadn't spoken to him since before the Gryffindor victory party that sparked this all. I wasn't necessarily sure that I knew what to say to him.

"So - Where's your chaperone?" he questioned, helping himself to a piece of toast.

"'Chaperone'?" I inquired curiously. "Which one?"

"Black," he answered gruffly, a bit of irritation in his voice. "I didn't think he liked to leave you alone for more than a few minutes at a time."

I ignored his angry tone, slathering marmalade along my toast, "He's at a funeral right now."

He looked surprised at that. I would have thought that everyone under the sun would know about Potter's dad's death. That was the kind of thing that the rumor mill was designed for. "I didn't know," his tone didn't soften and the anger was still evidently there. "Why aren't you with him then? You must not be too serious if he won't even take you to funerals with him."

I felt a spark of annoyance at his inference, "It's complicated. He did ask me to go but I couldn't. I don't see why it concerns you though. I didn't think you cared about Sirius, let alone who he takes to funerals."

"I don't care about Black," he informed me. "I care about you."

I sighed. I was hoping that this wasn't going to happen but the universe really didn't seem to like me very much lately. "Riley, I don't know what you thought you could accomplish by coming to me. I'm sorry about what happened between us but that doesn't mean anything."

"You're sorry that you slept with me or you're sorry that you've been ignoring me for the past few months?" he demanded.

"Both." It was true. I did regret almost everything that happened with him. "Most of all, I'm sorry that I apparently led you on. It was never my intention to but it apparently happened. I never wanted it to happen. I should have been more honest with you."

"Honest about what? That I was just holding a place for Black?" he shot back with a scoff.

"Yes." I'd never mentioned out-loud before that I'd used him but now it didn't matter. "I used you as a distraction from Sirius and I'm sorry."

"Why?" he questioned, his voice losing the anger and becoming softer with hurt. "Why would you do that to me?"

I sighed, pushing my cold eggs around my plate with my fork, "Because I thought you'd understand that I didn't want any strings attached. I was confused with everything that was going on with Sirius and he had a girlfriend and I was trying to keep it together. You and I had been friendly and I thought that you were probably one of the only people I knew that could handle just being friends. I was obviously wrong and I'm sorry about that. I know I should have come to you and told you what was really going on but I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry that things happened the way that they did but it doesn't change anything."

"So you're done using me now so you just don't have any room for me in your life?" he incredulously demanded, his temper flaring again. "My purpose is served so you can't be arsed with me?"

"That's not it," I told him, shaking my head. "Merlin, how did things get like this? It's not that I don't have room for you in my life. It's just - You're bad for me, Riley. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and I'm trying to get my life together. I can't do that with you around. I'm not the girl that I once was. I don't do the same things that I used to and I don't look at the world the same way anymore. I can't move on with you still in my life. I know that it sounds selfish but I need you to let me go. After Robin –" I shook my head again, this time to try to shake off the tears that always seemed to follow whenever I said her name. "We both just need you to let go. You can't let me drag you down like this and you have to let me be happy with Sirius. Just let go, alright? Do it for me but more importantly for yourself."

"And for me too," I heard a gruff voice that I immediately recognized as Sirius.

I looked up, surprised to see him so quickly. I'd figured that it'd at least be another day before he arrived. He had a stony expression on his face and I could just imagine all the thoughts going through his mind. Most of them probably involved him physically assaulting Riley. Thankfully he'd heard me telling Riley to let me go so I didn't think that he was likely to accuse me of cheating. At least, I hoped he didn't. That drama was the last thing that I needed.

Riley looked up at Sirius, giving him a cold glare. He nodded, removing himself from the table. He gave Sirius one last hateful look before stalking off, making me feel a mixture between guilt and relief.

Sirius took the seat that Riley had just occupied, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand, "He wasn't giving you too much trouble, was he?"

I shook my head, "No. He's just – Well, I don't know. I think he'll leave me alone from now on or at least I hope he does. Why are you back so early?"

"Why? Were you hoping that you could have a one-on-one with all of your ex-boyfriends before I got back?" he joked. His tone might have been joking but his eyes were accusatory.

I rolled my eyes, hoping that I could shrug this off and make him understand, "Haha. For your information, I didn't want to talk to him but he came to me. And I don't know if you could call him an 'ex-boyfriend'. He's more like an 'ex-fiasco'. Now don't try to distract me. How are you? Are you okay?"

"Better," he nodded. "The funeral was helpful, I think. It would have been better if you were there though."

I squeezed his hand consolingly, "I'm sorry I couldn't go. I didn't want to make James' head explode. I figured one funeral was more than enough."

"What about James' head exploding?" I heard the devil himself question as he and his Ginger Hellspawn arrived. He took a seat next to Sirius and the Hellspawn sat next to me. I was surprised that she would so willingly sit next to me when there were so many other open seats for her to choose from.

She gave me a sickening smile, reaching for the butter with her left hand. I only noticed that it was her left hand because it had a diamond that was almost blinding me on it. An engagement ring. It was almost as if she were trying to talk to me without words, telling me, "See? I'm not going anywhere." I wanted to reply "Except hell" but I didn't. Her engagement meant one thing: She was very comfortable in her position of power with Potter. It also meant that the end to Sirius and I's relationship was closer than I thought.

"Oh, Clark, I have those notes that I promised you," she informed me, digging into the pocket of her cloak. "Make sure you pay close attention to these ones, okay? McGonagall isn't going to be happy if you don't pay attention." She forced the parchment into my hand before returning her attention back to her breakfast.

I looked down at the parchment. I'd never asked her for notes, especially since she'd missed the past few Transfiguration lessons. It was a good cover-up for her handing me the newest additions to the Evans' Rules though.

_Rule 45. Wearing the color red is forbidden_

_Rule 46. The use of non-Latin-based words is forbidden_

_Rule 47. You may not speak more than fifty words each day_

_Rule 48. You may not use any words that contain more than four letters_

_Rule 49. You may not spend more than thirty minutes a day in the lavatory_

_Rule 50. The use of owl post is forbidden_

_Rule 51. You are not allowed to leave Gryffindor Tower unless going to meals or lessons_

_Rule 52. A drug test is mandatory every two weeks_

_Rule 53. Attending Hogsmeade visits is forbidden_

I sighed. The moment that I'd been dreading was finally here. This was finally my breaking point. I'd wanted to wait a while after the funeral until this happened but Evans was forcing my hand. "Sirius? Can I talk to you for a second?"

Evan glared at me as soon as I spoke, probably because some of my words have more than four letters or because some of them were bound to not be based in Latin. Who even cared what the origin of a word was, anyways? It was just another of her ridiculous rules that she made with no greater purpose than to make my life difficult.

"Of course. Lily, James," Sirius nodded his acknowledgement at the engaged couple. His almost cold attitude towards them made me wonder if he'd been this cold to them the whole time they were gone. Was it because of what Potter said about me? Was he mad that I couldn't go with him? Did this have to do with the engagement? Was it something completely different?

I followed him out of the Great Hall, wondering if maybe I'd been wrong about the whole situation. Maybe he really would have taken my side if he knew everything that was going on. Maybe, maybe not. The only way I was going to find out was by telling him what happened and see how he reacted.

I clenched his hand in mind, wanting to get as much as I could get of him in case that I had to let him go. I also wanted to give him as much support as I could about Mr. Potter's death before I demanded his attention on other matters. I felt a little selfish about bringing everything up now but I had to get it over with. I'd been putting this off for too long and there was no way that I could put it off any longer, despite the circumstances. Evans' new rules were just too unlivable.

We arrived at an empty classroom on the first floor within a few minutes, making me realize how many of Evans' Rules I was breaking. This really was it. I wasn't going to be able to change my mind now and go back to living under her thumb. I guess I was at what people call "the point of no return".

He sat on top of an empty desk and I stood in front of him, my arms tightly around his middle. I knew that this wasn't going to make anything any easier but I didn't care. I just needed to hold him.

"What's wrong?" he inquired worriedly, his thumb gingerly running along my jawline. "Did something happen while I was gone?"

I took a deep breath, trying to will myself to have the confidence to answer honestly, "This isn't working, Sirius."

"What – What are you talking about?" he questioned, his thumb freezing against me.

"I think you know what I'm talking about. I think you've been ignoring it but I think you know exactly what I'm talking about," I informed him, my voice struggling to stay even. "You're a lot of things but you've never been stupid. I think you've been just turning a blind eye to what's been going on."

"Lily." It was a short reply but it enforced the fact that I was right. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

"So you know what I'm talking about," I commented, my grasp on him not loosening. "You probably don't know the specifics but you've got the general gist. Fifty three rules. Fifty three rules that I have to obey so that Evans doesn't use her power over Potter to make us break up. It started with just ten rules but it's been growing ever since. The first few ones almost made sense. No drugs, no skipping class, no alcohol, etc. They've gotten worse. Do you know what one of her latest rules was? No using words that aren't Latin-based. What does that even have to do with anything? Maybe once upon a time I could have played it all off as Evans trying to protect your best interest. Having an alcoholic for a girlfriend wouldn't be good for you. Now, however, it's pretty clear that the only thing she's concerned with is making my life miserable."

"Cherry –" His voice was so soft that it almost sounded more like a breath than my name.

I ignored him, "I've been trying to put this off because I know that this is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know that this means that I'm letting Potter and Evans win, which hurts a bit. I also know that I can't survive like this anymore. Evans has been ordering me around since you and I started dating and I thought that I could handle losing you better if I tried to make the most of this. I thought that if I could have you for as long as I could then this would be easier. I was wrong. I should have told Evan to go to hell and walked away because this is a lot harder now than it would have been before."

"What's harder?" he questioned, his voice full of mixed emotions. "I don't understand."

I exhaled deeply, laying my head against his chest. This would be the last time that I'd have the opportunity to do this and that made it almost taste bittersweet. "I can't keep you. I can't have a psychotic bitch running my life. I can't live like I'm dead anymore. It's too hard. This is never going to get any better if I stay with you. Potter and Evans will never like me. Potter isn't going to disappear out of your life and the diamond on Evans' hand tells me that she's not disappearing out of Potter's life."

"Is that why you're doing this? Because of their engagement?" he questioned, a combination of shock and hurt in his voice. "Love, that doesn't change anything."

"That's my point, Sirius. It doesn't change anything because it's never going to change. Do you remember that day when they told you that they saw me with Riley? That day where you practically broke everything glass in the Common Room? They lied, love. Evans was punishing me for breaking one of her rules. I called her by her surname, which is breaking rule number even I think. They almost broke you and I up because I called her Evans. I can't rationalize with them and I can't make them like me so the only options I have left are to endure more of it or walk away. Trust me, if I could survive the first option then I would take it."

"So you're making me choose? You're making me choose between my best mate and the woman I love?" he incredulously demanded. "How can you ask me to make that decision?"

"I'm not," I pointed out calmly. "I can't ask you to choose and that's why I have to go. Besides, I think you've chosen whose side you were on when you decided to ignore the fact how miserable I was."

"You're blaming me? How could I know if you never told me?" His voice was rising quickly from indignation.

"Because I knew what you'd say," I replied honestly. "I knew that I told you what was happening then you'd take their side. I knew it then and I know it now. That's why I never told you. I knew that once I told you that you'd side with them and then I'd have to leave. I didn't tell you because I wanted to do everything in my power to make this work for as long as it could. It wasn't like I could say 'Oh well you don't mind your best mate and his girlfriend abusing me? Oh well that's fine. So you fancy a snog then?' It doesn't work like that, Sirius. I've held onto you as long as I can but I can't do it anymore so don't ask me to."

"But – But it's going to get better," he assured me almost hysterically. "It's going to get better. They just need to come around."

"When? When is it going to get better? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Graduation? Next year? When we're old and on our deathbeds? When exactly are they going to stop amusing themselves by making my life difficult, huh? That's exactly what they're doing. They're playing with me like some sort of toy. It's like they're trying to see how much they can push and pull until I tell them to go to hell. If you were wondering, this is the breaking point. I'm not playing anymore. I can't give you anything else and even if I could…" I trailed off, shaking my head as I unattached myself from him. "If I stay with you any longer then it's going to taint the way I feel about you. I'm struggling to still love you now and things are just going to get more and more toxic. I don't want to look back at my time with you with contempt. You're the honestly the only person that I've ever been in love with but that doesn't change the fact that being with you is killing me."

"Cherry, just – Just give it some time, alright? I promise you that it's going to get better. I promise that James and Lily will come around," he was practically begging by then.

I gave him a weak smile, feeling the tears beginning to build up. I reached up, giving him a faint kiss on the lips. I pulled away, leaving a growing smile on his face. "Goodbye, Sirius," I told him plainly.

His smile quickly disappeared, "What? No, Cherry, please!"

He scrambled to get to his feet as I started towards the door. I felt a lot like I did after our romp in the abandoned classroom on the sixth floor. I was struggling to hold back tears and I felt like someone had just crushed my ribs and squeezed my heart. If I was any older than I might have thought that I was having a heart attack.

"Cherry!" Sirius continued to call after me. "Cherry, wait! Please!"

I tried to ignore him, knowing that my willpower would be completely zapped if I had to have another conversation with him. Not with him looking so desperate, his gray eyes begging me to endure just a little while longer in my personal hell. I'd been avoiding his eyes for that exact reason. I knew that eye contact was going to make things harder than they already were.

I quickened my pace, trying to appear composed while making it to my dormitory as fast as possible. That was the only place that was safe from him. He'd probably have followed me into a girls' lavatory if I'd thought to go there. The dormitory was protected from him; there were charms in place to make sure that no male, him included, would get in.

Everyone seemed to be in Gryffindor Tower when I arrived. Ali and Remus were on the couch, talking softly amongst themselves and looking almost disgustingly adorable. Potter and Evans were waiting almost expectantly at the portrait hole. Evans had her arms crossed in front of her, her engagement ring still proudly displayed. Potter had a scowl on his face with his hands stuffed into his trouser pockets.

I approached Evans first, returning one of the sickeningly sweet smiles that she'd once given me, "Game's over, Evans. You don't have any power over me anymore so I won't be following any of your ridiculous rules. Oh and how should I put this? Sleep with one eye open. I'm going to be coming out for blood very, very soon."

Her expression quickly changed from stony to jostled, "I – Erm – I –"

My smile increased in size. Leaving her speechless was enough for me for now. I could have another go at her and made her sweat but right then I didn't feel like it. I just wanted to go upstairs and mourn the death of Sirius and I's relationship before he showed up.

I managed to walk across the Common Room and up the dormitory stairs with my composure still intact. I noticed right away that I was being followed but I knew that it wasn't Evans. She wasn't likely to confront me after I so blatantly threatened her. She was probably downstairs with Potter, scoffing and huffing over my nerve to say such things to her. That meant that it must have been Ali, the only person who even resembled an ally at the moment.

Once I reached the dormitory, I stiffly took a seat on my bed. I didn't know if she was coming as my mate or Evans'. She'd been Evans' friend for longer and she probably didn't take kindly to me threatening her.

Ali silently took a seat next to me. I waited for her to say something, for her to give me some sort of indication of what she was there for. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of silence, she spoke. "What happened?" There wasn't any accusation to her tone and there weren't any insults. It was just a two word question that made it sound like she was actually concerned about hearing both sides of the story.

I reached into my bedside drawer, taking out all of the old pieces of parchment that Evans had given me with her rules on them. I added the newest addition of rules from my pocket to the pile. I handed them to her without hesitation, "I hit my breaking point."

She looked at me in surprise before taking the pieces of parchment. She stayed quiet as she read them, not even letting out a gasp or a sigh at how ridiculous they were. She poured over each piece of parchment, thoroughly reading each word with polite interest. When she finished reading them, she handed them back to me. "I'm going to kill her."

I looked at her with a sense of relief. She was on my side, not Evans'. She chose my side over the side of the girl who'd been her best mate for years. I felt the sudden urge to hug her but I restrained myself. "No, you aren't. She ruined my relationship so I'm going to be the one to kill her," I decided to reply. "Or at least I'm going to make her life hell."

"I knew that something was going on but you wouldn't talk about it. What happened with Sirius? Did you tell him?" she inquired.

I nodded with a sigh, "Yeah. I broke up with him."

"What? Why?" Her expression nearly made me laugh. It was the kind that you'd actually expect from a girl's best mate when she heard the news. I suppose Ali really had become my new best mate.

I exhaled deeply, unsure how exactly to answer. "When Evans came to me right after Sirius and I got together, I knew that I wasn't going to last forever under her thumb. I thought that I should try to endure it as long as I could because once I told Sirius then he –" I sighed again, "Potter is Sirius' best mate. They're practically brothers. Evans is practically Potter's whole life. She was going to use her influence over Potter to make him use his influence over Sirius to make him break up with me if I broke any of her rules. I knew that I couldn't make Evans or Potter like me or even stand me. I'm never going to be able to make them look at me like anything other than the bug in their cereal. Potter's opinion is important to Sirius, though. If I told Sirius what happened then I knew he'd have to choose. He'd either have to tell Potter to get over himself or he'd have to tell me to suck it up. I knew that he was going to side with Potter. He's incredibly loyal, especially to his mates. I wanted to have him as long as I could and I couldn't have him after I confronted him."

"But you did? You did confront him, right?" she demanded, her blue eyes wide with curiosity and horror.

I nodded, "I told him what happened. I told him that I'd been trying to survive it as long as I could and that I couldn't do it anymore. I told him that I couldn't make him choose and that I was going to bow out as gracefully as I could. He – He begged me to give it more time but I told him that it wasn't going to matter. A millennia isn't going to change how Potter and Evans feel about me. A millennia isn't going to lessen Potter's grip on him. It was never going to get better so I told him goodbye."

She looked absolutely horrified at the thought, "I – Wow, you – I can't believe it. You didn't even give him a chance to choose you."

I let out a humorless laugh, trying to keep any hint of contempt out of my voice, "If he was going to choose me then he would have done it. He knew I was miserable. I couldn't tell him because then I'd have to give him up but he knew it. I think part of him was just hoping that I'd endure it longer."

She went silent before nodding, "I confronted him about it a while ago. You were so depressed and I tried to talk to him about doing something about it. He told me not to meddle and that everything was fine."

It hurt to hear her say that. It felt like the proof that he turned the other cheek when he saw me miserable made it worse. I nodded, "It doesn't matter now. What's done is done."

She gave me a sympathetic smile, "What are you going to do now?"

My plan hadn't changed. I was going to do the same thing I was going to do when I planned the breakup before but now I was just going to do it sooner. "First, I'm going to wallow. I'm going to probably cry a lot and eat my weight in chocolate while cursing the existence of men. Then I'm going to terrorize the hell out of Evans. Maybe I'll make her cry too for the hell of it. After that I'm going to fade into the crowd. I'm going to keep my head down, study my arse off, make the NEWTs my bitch and graduate. I don't think there's anything else I could do. Well, except go back into the habit of drowning my emotions with Firewhiskey but that's never done anyone any good."

"You're really not going to go back to him, are you?" she almost sounded sad when she said it. I didn't know if she was upset that I was upset or whether she just wanted Sirius and I together or both.

I shook my head, "I can't. I want to. It's like every molecule inside of me wants to go running back to him, yell 'April Fools!' about everything and just accept Evans' wrath but I can't. I've come too far to go back now. It'd be too counterproductive."

She nodded with a sad smile, "I understand. Wait, how do you even know what a 'molecule' is? You're a pureblood! What do you know about Muggle science?"

I laughed, though it hurt my chest, "I was really bored when everyone was gone. I spent most of the time in the library, trying to distract myself. It was actually kind of more pleasant than when everyone's here, minus the boredom and loneliness."

"Was it that horrible dating him when we were around?" she inquired curiously. "Were you that miserable?"

I nodded without a second thought, "He was amazing but the strings – Loving someone when their loved ones despise and reject you is hard. Actually, Robin probably would have killed me if she were alive to see me take all of Evans' shit. She probably tossed in her grave every time that I called Evans 'Lily'." I laughed at the thought, mentioning Robin for the first time without my heart feeling like it was going to explode with grief. I gave her a small smile, "Now I'm going to start wallowing now so it's going to be very depressing to be around. I suggest that you go back to your boyfriend. He'll probably be better company than I'm going to be."

"Are you sure? If you want me to stay then I will. I can understand if you don't want to be alone." The overly-selfless Hufflepuff I remembered from asking me to test her boyfriend's fidelity appeared. "I don't mind staying if you want me to."

I shook my head, "No, you go. I'll be fine on my own. I just need to mull some things over. Tell Remus 'hi' for me, okay? You know, if he doesn't hate me for threatening one of his best mates' girlfriends."

"He won't," she assured me, getting to her feet. "He'll understand." She gave me one last small smile before returning back to the Common Room, probably to the arms of her awaiting boyfriend.

I sighed, finally being alone to mull over my feelings now that Sirius and I were over. For the first time since Robin's death, I really regretted ever giving up drinking.


	33. Monster

_"You were my conscience, so solid, now you're like water and we started drowning... Call me a traitor. I'm just collecting your victims and they're getting stronger. Well, you've thought of strength and solutions... but you're gonna lose it."_

_ - Paramore, Monster_

After seeing for myself just how ridiculous Lily had been, I was fuming. I wasn't going to speak to Lily, but that didn't mean I couldn't exact my revenge to a small extent. I marched down to the common room like I promised Cherry, but I marched right up to Lily, smacked her hard across the face in front of everyone and ignored her indignant squawking and grabbed Remus's hand, dragging my smirking boyfriend out of the portrait hole.

When we made our way to the nearest deserted classroom he quickly sat on a desk and pulled me onto his lap, kissing my lips gently.

"What was that for?" I asked, bewildered.

"To keep you from pacing," he whispered, obviously reading my mind. "I shouldn't say this, but that was incredibly sexy."

"What?" I murmured, confused as he began placing kisses on my neck.

"Hitting Lily," he moaned. "I don't know what all this rage is about, but it's sexy."

"Remus," I sighed, "as much as I want to, we can't do this right now. We have a crisis."

"No," Remus said firmly. "No, the only crisis is that you have far too much clothing blocking me from my pursuit of your pleasure."

I shivered.

"Remus, having sex after a funeral is one thing. Having sex after Cherry and Sirius break up is something else entirely."

He laughed bitterly and said, "You know, I always knew being a Marauder meant unnatural closeness, but I'd not anticipated how bizarrely interconnected our sex lives would become."

"That's the problem," I groaned. "Lily had a list of rules for Cherry, conditions by which she didn't split Cherry and Sirius . Over fifty rules, Remus!"

"What were the rules?" Remus asked patiently.

"No detentions."

"Fair."

"No insulting people."

"Hypocritical, but not totally out of line."

"Has to be polite."

"Again, hypocritical, but..."

"No actively drawing negative attention to herself during class."

"Well, that explains a lot."

"No wearing her hair down during lessons."

"All right, admittedly harsh."

"No using words that aren't Latin-based."

"Okay, I see your point," Remus sighed. "But you said they broke up. So it seems like everything's settled. I mean, slapping Lily across the face was fitting, but that's the end of it."

"No," I cried. "It's not the end! Cherry is miserable and Sirius is miserable and they're probably both curled up in balls somewhere. And Remus, I'm really worried about Sirius. He's blaming himself for everything lately and I think he's going to take this especially hard. You remember last time they tried being apart. They need each other, Remus. They're only punishing themselves."

"But what are _you_ going to do about it?" Remus pressed. "They're not going to fall for being locked in a room this time. Let's face it, Ali, sometimes things just don't last. I mean, maybe it just wasn't going to last anyway."

I blinked at him.

"You're right,"," I said softly, although the anger was boiling within me. "These things don't often last. In fact, they usually don't. Like us, we probably won't last."

His head jerked to meet my eyes, his own amber eyes golden and wide with anxiety.

"No," he choked. "No, that's not true. You don't mean that."

I got off his lap, shaking my head already feeling sick.

"I feel like we're kidding ourselves, Remus," I lied. "I mean, there's a war on and you'll always be friends with James and Lily whether I'm speaking to them or not. It just can't work, in the long run."

I started to walk away, but Remus scrambled to his knees, hugging my legs tightly to his chest. I could feel tears falling from his eyes to the back of my calf.

"No," he said frantically. "No, Ali, please don't leave me. I'll never leave you. Forget the war, forget Lily and James. We'll leave the country. I'll never speak to them again. I'll do whatever you want, just don't do this. I love you! Ali, please."

I sighed heavily, my heart broken. He'd gotten the point and then some. Pushing it further would have been cruel to both of us.

"Remus," I whispered, sitting on the cold stone floor right where I was and wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm not going anywhere, darling. I love you. I'm just showing you how Sirius is feeling, how Cherry is feeling."

"No," Remus said, grasping me tightly to him like he thought I might disappear. "No, they can't even feel a fraction of this bad."

"But they do," I insisted, petting his hair soothingly as my vision blurred. "Remus, I need to do something. They need each other like you and I need each other."

Remus was smelling my hair, kissing my neck, and probably hardly paying attention to the words I was saying, but I figured he probably got the point.

I couldn't deny the attention he begged for at that point, especially after I had been so cruel, but once his demands were satisfied we cuddled in the corner of the classroom and began brainstorming how to put things back together again.

"I still say the key is to not force it," Remus sighed. "If you push too hard, it might just push them further apart. That's the last thing we want."

"I know," I muttered into his shoulder. "I just can't figure out where that line is. I don't want to under-do it, either."

Before we could discuss where the line might be, however, James Potter rushed through the door, cringing that we were probably nude under the blanket Remus had conjured, then shaking his head as if to refocus.

"Remus, Sirius needs you," James snapped. "He's huddled in a ball on his bed acting like a baby. I don't know what to do."

Remus sighed. He kissed the side of my head and said, "C'mon, love, let's work on Sirius first."

James growled, "I said you, not _her_. Every time she's involved things get worse."

Completely ignoring the fact that he had no clothes on, Remus leapt up and charged James, pressing him against the wall and punching him hard across the face. My eyes widened.

"You know what the problem is here?" Remus growled dangerously. "The problem is your girlfriend, or rather fiancée, making a big fuss about Cherry and Sirius. Cherry hit her limit, as I'm sure you're aware of and I'm sure Sirius isn't going to forgive either of you for ruining their relationship if Ali and I can't clean up this mess, so keep that in mind the next time one of you gets a plan against Cherry. I guarantee it's not worth the cost of your best friend. Now leave so Ali can get dressed."

James, obviously quite as stunned as I was, bumbled out of the room and Remus turned back to me.

"You punched him," I said.

"Yeah," Remus admitted.

"I hate to say this but that was incredibly sexy," I said breathlessly.

Remus grinned, making his way back to me and kneeling, nude, at my feet, leaning forward to kiss me.

"I'll keep that in mind," he murmured. "But as much as I'd like to act on that statement, we need to help Sirius."

"I know," I whined. "Help me dress."

It took well longer than it should have, but I didn't exactly mind. Remus made getting dressed just as fun as getting undressed. But Sirius needed us so as soon as we were dressed we rushed to his bedside where he truly was curled up in a ball, sobbing.

"She left me!" Sirius cried the moment we sat down. "Cherry left me and it hurts so badly! Make it stop hurting."

"You know whose fault this is, don't you?" I sighed. "If Cherry had been selfish about this and made you choose, what would you have done?"

Sirius blinked at me dejectedly, sniffling a few times before saying, "I don't know."

"Well, at least you didn't choose James flat out," I sighed. "That's something."

"If I ever had to choose," Remus said softly, "between anything and Ali, I'd choose Ali every time. But I just punched James, so maybe he's not as important to me as he is to you."

"You punched James?" Sirius muttered, bewildered.

"The point is," I said, "Cherry's devastated. I know that if we made her see how much you need each other, how miserable you both are, and prove she's a priority, of yours , even over James, I know we could get you back together."

"You think so?" Sirius said eagerly, sitting up a bit and hastily wiping the tears from his face.

"Absolutely," I assured him. "I have a question, though, that I need you to answer and it's sort of personal, but if the answer's good we can work with it."

Sirius winced and I knew he knew what I was talking about.

"Cherry told me," I continued, "that you weren't sleeping together, which, as you can imagine, I find odd. The other thing is, she didn't seem incredibly thrilled about it, so I suppose it was your decision. Why?"

Sirius sighed heavily, looking down at his hands before answering, "I guess I sort of got the idea that sex was what caused all the problems in the first place and I didn't want to lose her again, so I thought it was a way to show her how important she really is to me, not just how sexy I find her."

I decided that was something, and although it had been rather stupid of him, he'd meant well. But the rest of it was a disaster, and with an hour of talking to Remus and Sirius, I still had no idea where to begin.

"We'll keep thinking," I promised Sirius. "I'm not resting until you two are together again, Lily be damned. Don't worry."

But ideas were slow at coming. Several days later, I still didn't know what I was going to do. After all, Remus was right. Locking them in a room together wasn't going to work. There was too much hurt, and I'd already done it once.

Ashley and I were spending a particularly nice day on the grounds and I decided to enlist her advice-giving expertise as a kindred spirit. We'd flown around the lake for a while before tiring and we'd retired at some trees on the edge of the forest to talk and rest.

"So you know that Sirius and Cherry broke up," I said casually.

Her eyes lit up and she teased, "Now, Ali, no gossiping!"

I rolled my eyes, ripped a handful of grass, and tossed it at her lazily.

"I'm trying to get your help, not gossip." I chastised. "I can't seem to think of how to make them sit down together and talk. Last time I locked them in a room, but they won't fall for it twice."

"No," she agreed solemnly. "No, I don't suppose they..."

Ashley sat up a bit, frowning at some people in the distance.

"Quick, Ali," she hissed. "Slytherins. Into the tree before they see us."

With her broom in hand, Ashley quickly scrambled up a nearby tree as if it were something she'd been doing her whole life.

I, on the other hand tried clumsily to make my way up to the tree I had been leaning against, but the large band of Slytherin seventh years had spotted and approached me before I'd made any headway.

"Well, well," Mulciber said stupidly. I shivered a little, thinking of how he'd cursed Mary MacDonald a couple of years prior. "A little lost Hufflepuff, all on her own."

They hadn't seen Ashley, so at least that was something. As they rounded on me, out of the corner of my eye I saw Ashley flying away toward the castle and I hoped that if she was getting help that she be quick about it. Without her in a tree, I had no advantage.

"What makes you think I'm alone?" I bluffed boldly. They could see right through me, I knew, but if I could keep them distracted then they might not have time to do too much damage by the time Ashley reappeared with the help I was desperately hoping she was getting.

"Quit trying to look brave, Marren," Severus Snape spat. "Your half-breed boyfriend might be a Gryffindor, but senselessly reckless doesn't suit you."

So he knew Remus was a werewolf. Or maybe he was referring to Remus being a half-blood in the most derogatory way he could think of. Either way, I had the urge to punch him in the face for insulting Remus, but I wasn't stupid enough to think it would be at all a decent idea in the company I was surrounded by.

"So what's your plan then?" I asked, counting them quickly. "Seven to one can't really be your idea of a challenge."

"Of course not," one of the ugly girls sneered. "It's target practice."

Target practice. My favorite.

I was fast running out of ideas for distracting them, so when I was disarmed by Snape and Stunned by Mulciber, it probably would have felt like a relief of tension if I hadn't been rendered unconscious.

When I was revived, I found Sirius Black hovering over me, healing some wounds on my arm, Cherry pacing frantically nearby, and Ashley calmly levitating the unconscious bodies of the Slytherin attackers into a neat pile.

"What happened?" I groaned, sitting up and noticing that I was shaking.

"Cruciatus Curse," Cherry spat. "Bloody cowards, outnumbering someone seven to one and Stunning them before torturing them. It's disgusting."

"Well, I left something in the library," Ashley said abruptly. "See you guys later!"

She dashed off before anyone had a chance to react and I began to laugh hysterically when it occurred to me what she'd done.

"D'you think," Cherry said, watching me with fear and concern, "that she had her brains addled or something?"

"Nah," Sirius said, frowning at me. "They weren't going to pull that off by the time we got here. How do you feel, Ali?"

"Relieved," I said, grinning. "I've finally got you two here, alone, where you can talk things out. Remind me to thank Ashley later."

Cherry groaned, but she smiled a little and Sirius actually chuckled.

"Wow," Sirius, shaking his head. "If I didn't know you weren't crazy, I would think you planned the whole affair."

"The fact of the matter is," sighed, "you two have been fighting an uphill battle all the way, and it's only been made worse because of your ridiculous stubbornness. But you shouldn't give up, not now that everything's on the table and everyone's finally got the full story. If you're honest with each other you still have a chance because there's not a doubt in my mind that you love each other. I know that's not all you need, but if you're honest with each other it's a powerful starting place."

"What do you expect us to do, Ali?" Cherry snarled. "Just fall into each other's arms like none of it happened and pretend it's all okay?"

"Of course not," I said earnestly. "I expect you to _talk_ to each other. I expect you to lay it all out for each other, to fix what you can together and not commit to keep on that way moving forward. I obviously can't guarantee happiness, but it's better than no shot at all, right?"

They didn't say anything, just looked from me to each other. I knew they both wanted to try, and the only thing I could see getting their way at that point was their pride, which the both had more than their fair share of, but...

There was something else and I couldn't put my finger on what it was until Cherry raised her eyebrow at me.

"Oh!"

It clicked. They wanted me to leave before they started working on their issues.

"Right," I said firmly, standing steadily as I could. "I'll just... go to the hospital wing or something and leave you two to it."

As I stumbled back up to the castle I silently hoped it would work out all right.


	34. Level

I looked at Sirius uneasily after Ali left. I didn't know exactly what she expected us to fix. It wasn't like this was something to could be easily fixed with a kiss and an apology. This was extensive damage. It was kind of like when the foundation of a building is damaged then you can't just slather a coat of paint on it and call it good. That might make the damage less noticeable but it isn't going to stop the building from collapsing. It required extensive rebuilding to make it stable again. Sirius and I were the same in that sense. Our relationship was going to need to be rebuilt and I didn't know if he was willing to put in that much work and sacrifice enough for it.

"I'll see you around," I told him off-handedly before turning to return back to the castle.

"Is that just it?" he scoffed. "Are you just going to walk away? You're not even going to bother to try and talk this out?"

"What could we possibly say that would fix this?" I inquired dubiously. "A round of apologies isn't going to fix this."

"I know that!"

"Well then what could possibly be said that could make this whole disaster go away, huh?" I demanded hotly. "What magical words do you have that are going to make this all okay again?"

"I – I don't know yet. I just need you to level with me."

I snorted, "'Level with you'? How am I supposed to level with you when I'm so incredibly angry that I can't think straight? How am I supposed to rationalize through this when I'm just barely keeping myself from exploding?"

"Well if you're mad at me then just explode already! Just get it out all into the air so we can deal with this, Cherry!"

"I'm not just mad at you! I'm mad at everyone! I'm mad at you for turning a blind eye to this. I'm mad at Potter for making everything so painful. I'm mad at Ali for putting in this position. I'm mad at myself for letting Evans do this to me. Oh and don't even get me started on Evans. She's lucky that her head's still attached to her bloody body! So tell me, how am I supposed to have a rational conversation with you when it's all I can do to keep myself from becoming violent?" I snapped harshly.

"Fine, you want to be violent? Hit me. If that's what it takes for us to work this out then fine. Hit me all you need to."

I shook my head with a sigh, "I'm not going to hit you."

"Why not? If it's going to help us work this out then you should hit me," he insisted.

I rolled my eyes, "Sirius, I don't know why you suddenly think that violence is the answer but I'm not going to hit you. That won't solve anything."

"Fine then if you don't like that method then let's try something else." Suddenly I was being pinned against the trunk of a maple tree, my hands being firmly held above my head. His lips collided with mine as if he were trying to pour every ounce of passion we'd ever felt in our relationship into the kiss. My knees quickly become a gelatinous mess and my will power crumbled again. How did I ever delude myself into thinking that I could live the rest of my life without kisses like that?

He pulled his lips away moments later, luckily not letting go of my hands or my knees probably wouldn't be able to keep me standing on my own. "I'm not giving up on you," he informed me, his breath slightly ragged. "I don't care if you reject me a thousand times or if you flee the country to try to get away from me. I'm not going to give up. I'll follow you wherever for however long it takes. I don't care if I have to beg for your forgiveness for the rest of my life. I'm willing to do it. I'm not giving you up, okay? It's never going to happen. I'm going to get you back. I don't know when and I don't know how but I'm going to do it even if it takes the rest of my life."

I shook my head at him, "You don't get it, do you? You could apologize a thousand times and that would fix the real problem. Potter and Evans will still hate me and that's always going to affect things. I'll never be able to make them like me and I really don't fancy the idea of going back into the pits of hell. I don't want you to grovel for forgiveness. If you want this to work then we have to figure out a way to work around that."

"I'll fix it," he promised. "I'll tell James and Lily that the next time that they give you grief that they'll have me to deal with. I will personally make sure that this never happens again. If James even looks at you the wrong way then his arse is mine, alright? I can't make Lily stop arguing with you but –"

"I can handle Evans if we're on a level playing field," I assured him. "She and I have hated each other for years now and I don't expect that to change overnight. I just don't want her to lord over me anymore."

"I promise that she won't. I will make sure that she and James know that I'm not going to tolerate them treating you like a second class citizen anymore. I'm sorry that it's taken me this long to do something about it. I really did think that things were going to work out on their own and I'm sorry that I was so naïve about it. I never meant for you to suffer because of it. I'm going to make this up to you, okay?"

I sighed, "You know when you talk like that you make it really hard for me to stay mad at you."

He risked a small grin, "That's kind of the point, love."

I chuckled and nodded, "I suppose you're right. Okay fine. You get one more chance but this really is the last one. If you muck this one up then all the kissing and sincerity in the world isn't going to be able to save you."

His grin widened, "Thank you! You won't regret it!" He planted an excited kiss at my lips, causing me to nearly laugh at his enthusiasm.

"You're welcome. Now can you please stop pinning me down? My arms are starting to go numb," I told him, trying to hide my pleased smile.

"Um no," he replied simply. "I quite enjoy having you in this position."

My eyes nearly bugged out of my skull. Sirius hadn't spoken like that to me since before we started dating. In fact, he never really said anything that could possibly be translated into anything relatively sexual. He kept this loosely kid friendly in our relationship. Now the air felt heavy as if it were charged with electricity "Do you?" I managed to question.

He nodded, his mouth moving dangerously close to my unprotected neck. His lips danced feverishly along my collarbone, causing me to gasp for air from sheer surprise. My gasp quickly turned to a moan as he expertly began to move his mouth to the base of my neck, his teeth nipping carnally against the tender skin. His hands relinquished their hold over my arms, moving to my hips

My knees began to spasm underneath me, causing me to wrap my newly freed arms around his neck to steady myself. He suddenly pulled away from me and I immediately worried that his previous demand of celibacy was rising to the surface again. "What's wrong?" I inquired, worried that I already knew the answer.

"If we don't stop right here then I'm not going to make any promises that I'll be able to stop myself from shagging you right here," he told me with a little bit of a smirk. "I figured that you wouldn't want the entire castle talking about us having sex in broad daylight for everyone to see, would you?"

"Oh so you're just worried about my honor then? Well that's very considerate of you, especially since you're the one who seems to be eager to give me a reason to have a bad reputation," I retorted.

"Well perhaps it's only temporary. Maybe I intend to eventually make an honest woman out of you."

I snorted playfully, "Yeah right. Who says I'd let you?"

"Like you have a choice?" he scoffed, his eyes gleaming jokingly. "Now, let's get out of here before I really do shag you in front of everyone."

I sighed mockingly, "If I have to." To be honest, if he wasn't going to take me off somewhere to shag me then I most likely would have clubbed him over the head and dragged him off to have my way with him to punish him for being such a tease. He'd denied me sex long enough and I wasn't going to let him get away with doing it for any longer.

Sex with Sirius was better than I remembered. It probably had something to do with the fact that this time there wasn't any guilt involved. This time there was only adoration and desire. It was well worth the wait but I still would have much preferred that I hadn't had to wait so long.

"What changed your mind?" I questioned as we laid on a mattress that he'd Transfigured out of an old textbook that had been lying around. "Until today you've been almost determined to make us a celibate couple. What changed your mind?"

"I realized I've been an idiot," he replied, stroking thoughtlessly along my forearm. "I'd been so convinced that sex was the whole reason we got into this mess that I tried to keep it away. I figured we'd be better for it."

""This mess' being your ex-girlfriend using me to test your fidelity? If it is then I'm pretty sure that sex wasn't the reason that whole thing exploded. I'm pretty sure it happened because you used Ali to get Potter and Evans closer together," I pointed out honestly. "Besides, 'this mess' got both of us together so it couldn't have been too much of a complete disaster."

"That's very true," he agreed, kissing my forehead. "And I promise not to try to keep my hands off of you again."

"Oh really?" I inquired dubiously. "So you're just going to feel me up all the time? When we're in public or in class or in front of the professors?"

"Maybe," he nodded.

I rolled my eyes, "If you do then I might actually have to hit you. I might love you but you're going to have to keep your hands to yourself sometimes."

He groaned unhappily, "Fine but I won't enjoy it."

"You don't have to enjoy, you just have to do it," I informed him.

"Fine," he huffed childishly, crossing his arms in front of him. "But if I do this for you then you have to do something for me."

I raised an eyebrow at him, expecting his request to be perverted at the very least, "Do I?"

He nodded, "You have to give me the list of rules that Evans gave you."

"Why?" I questioned, dumbstruck by the innocence of his request. I was expecting something a little more sexual and a little less serious.

"Because I just need it, okay? Do you still have it?"

I nodded slowly, "Yeah but why –"

"Just don't worry about it," he assured me, ending my interrogation with a well-placed kiss on my jawline. "Just let it go, okay?"

I nodded, eager to drop the potentially painful in pursuits of a significantly more pleasurable one, "You know, you're going to have to make up for all those weeks that I slept alone because of your crazy theory."

"I intend to," he assured me.

"You'd better. It's going to take ages to make me forgive you for it," I informed him in a mockingly serious tone.

He gave me a wolfish grin before rolling playfully on top of me, "Well in that case I'd better get to it…"


	35. Promises

_"Yesterday is a promise that you've broken. Don't close your eyes... This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be?"_

_ -Switchfoot, This Is Your Life_

Things were going well as far as I could figure between Sirius and Cherry. Judging by their obvious sneaking off to snog and/or shag they'd sorted things out quite well, and Ashley and I congratulated each other on a job well done once Madam Pomfrey decided she had no choice but to buy the pathetic story that I'd fallen off my broom and was just shaken up.

Finally, I knew things were going well because Sirius and Remus sat Cherry and I down in a room in a remote part of the castle one afternoon, grins on their adorable faces. Cherry and I raised our eyebrows at each other. Whatever it was, the boys were _very_ excited about it.

"We have some things to tell you," Sirius said. "It's big news, so be prepared for exciting surprises."

"You're pregnant?" Cherry suggested dryly. I snorted.

"Very funny," Sirius sighed. "Remus, you should go first. I can hardly explain mine properly without yours."

Suddenly, it occurred to me what they were on about. They'd talked about it so long ago and so cryptically that I'd forgotten it completely with everything else that had come through our lives since then. I sat forward.

"Wait, James said you could tell _Cherry_?"

"Not exactly," Remus admitted.

"Tell me what?" Cherry asked, bored.

"We sort of tricked him," Sirius explained, waving off the issue. "Remus?"

"Right..." Remus muttered. "Erm, I'm a werewolf."

Cherry blinked, looked at me, back at Remus, back at me.

"Is he serious?" she asked.

"No, I am," Sirius said happily, but Cherry smacked him.

"Yeah," I said.

She blinked again.

"So you knew this? You willingly had sex with a werewolf?"

I flushed with building rage and said, "So?"

Cherry just shook her head, smiled, and said, "So I'm thinking I grossly underestimated you when we first met, sunshine."

I felt strangely proud of myself, turning back to Remus and Sirius with a barely concealed smile twitching at my lips. She turned to Remus and said, "Is that all for your part of show-and-tell, then? Or do you sprout an extra toe when you put your feet in water or something?"

Remus gave an uncomfortable chuckle.

"Ah, no, interesting as that sounds, lycanthropy is all I've got."

Cherry nodded and said sharply, "Whether you mean to or not, if you ever hurt Ali, I'm going to rip you into pieces and feed you to baby squirrels in the park. Just fair warning. I realized I never properly threatened you before and this seems like an appropriate time for throwing that out there."

Remus paled a bit and nodded frantically. "Of course. Sirius, I believe it's your turn."

"Right," Sirius said happily, as though Cherry hadn't said anything remotely troubling or concerning. "Pay close attention, both of you."

We nodded, watching.

One minute, he was standing in front of us, the next a large black dog was standing in his place. I blinked.

"Sirius?" I whispered. "Is that you?"

My question was basically answered when the dog put its paws up on Cherry's lap and began frantically licking her face.

"Oh, yeah," she said dryly, scratching him behind the ears. "Nobody else would dare assault my face like that, especially with a possibility of Sirius catching them at it."

The dog backed off and suddenly Sirius was standing before us once more.

"Sorry," he said in a completely unapologetic way. "The puppy in me sort of took over and was really excited to see you."

"I'll bet," Cherry said in a flirtatious tone that made Sirius make a sort of strangled moaning sound and Remus turn bright red.

"Wait, so you're a dog?" I asked, feeling that the conversation had gotten a bit away from the point. "When did this happen?"

"Well," Sirius chirped, "when we found out about Remus, we resolved to find a way to make things easier on him, so since we couldn't be around him in human form, we spent three years devoted to the study of becoming Animagi."

"You're speaking in plurals," I pointed out.

"Yeah," Sirius said, frowning slightly.

"Are you telling me," I continued, "that James and Peter do this too?"

"Well, yeah," Sirius said. "James is a stag and Peter's a rat."

"A rat?" Cherry said, raising her eyebrows dramatically. "Are you telling me that the little pervert turns into a small, easily hidden rodent?"

"Well, I guess if you look at it that way," Sirius muttered.

"We're not shagging without full check of the area for rats," Cherry spat.

"Oh, like he's any worse than Jasper!" Sirius snapped.

I raised my eyebrows at Remus, who just shrugged. Who the hell was Jasper?

"Except Jasper doesn't have a human brain!" Cherry hissed. "Indulge me, love. I keep Jasper away from you, you keep Peter away from me."

"I suppose that's only fair," Sirius muttered begrudgingly.

"So, Ali," Cherry said, suddenly changing the subject and her whole demeanor as she turned to me. "You're going quite well at ignoring Ginger Hellspawn and her Bespectacled Buffoon."

It was remarkable how quickly she reverted to form. Almost enviable. I sighed.

"Yeah, I'd say so. I haven't said a word to either one in ages. Poor Marlene just doesn't know what to do, so she's hiding from us."

"You mean she's hiding from Lily," Remus pointed out. "Lily's trying to force Marlene to take sides, so she's having Peter and I help hide her."

"That would explain her lack of presence in our dormitory," Cherry said with mild interest.

"When were you in your dormitory?" Sirius asked.

"I have to change clothes sometime," Cherry said dryly.

Sirius nodded as if to say that this was a decent point. He sat down and pulled her onto his lap as Remus sat down at my feet, kissing my knee tenderly before nuzzling his face against my leg.

"So how did you trick James?" I asked, scratching Remus's head, enjoying the feel of his hair on my fingers.

"Wow, hard to believe _I'm_ the dog," Sirius laughed, nodding at the way Remus and I were sitting. I scowled at him. "Anyway, Remus held a vote to tell you, saying that if we told you James could tell Lily, and he sort of tacked Cherry's name in right at the end of the vote when James wasn't paying attention. He was too busy trying to think of the most impressive way to tell Lily."

Cherry and I began to laugh hysterically at this. I wasn't sure what she was thinking, but I was almost sure that James though that turning into a giant, antlered woodland creature was pretty much a free pass to unlimited sex.

Actually, knowing the level of magic required for Animagus transformation and Lily's fetish for power, it might just work in his favor.

"You know," Cherry sighed, "if someone had told me at the beginning of this year that this group would be my best friends, I would have rolled my eyes and told them to lay off the weed. What a year."

"Yeah," I agreed as Remus kissed my knee again. "What a year."

She was right. I'd been scared of my own shadow and she'd been queen of the underground. Sirius had been reluctantly stuck in a relationship with me and Remus had been stuck watching and waiting for the other shoe to drop. There was just absolutely no way we should have been sitting in a room together, laughing and being _friends_, but there we were.

"So do I want to know what you two are doing to Lily and James?" I asked, sliding onto the floor and cuddling with Remus, who wrapped his arms around me.

Cherry shook her head, grinned, and said, "Just mind yourself, princess, and it'll all turn out right. Trust me, you want plausible deniability. Let it suffice that Lily Evans shall regret her behavior."

I smiled, shook my head, and snuggled a little closer to Remus.

"Well, she deserves what she gets," I sighed. "I just wish it hadn't come to this. I mean, you'd think that any other person would realize that if one of her friends is hiding from her and the other just isn't even acknowledging her presence, she'd figure out that maybe she needs to change her ways."

Remus and Sirius exchanged uncomfortable looks and Cherry frowned.

"What?" she asked.

"Well, I mean, things have just changed so much," Sirius sighed. "Some of it's great," he added, hugging her tightly, "but some of it's really tough."

"Like what?" I whispered.

"The Marauders," Remus explained solemnly. "We stared out as the best of friends, inseparable, envied, loyal, and always supporting each other. I'm disappointed at how fast everything fell apart."

"It's _not over_," Sirius insisted. "Things won't ever be the same, sure, and it's not going to be easy, but we needed to change anyway, and I think that even the King and Queen of Stubborn will give in when it's hit them the damage they've done and what they're giving up to have their way."

"I hope you're right," Remus whispered.

In spite of what Remus had said when he'd punched James about James meaning more to Sirius, I realized in that moment that it had been a sort of lie. James in particular might not have been as important to Remus, but the Marauders and what they stood for were so important. To someone who had spent almost his entire life hating himself, fearing what he became, and feeling undeserving of any good things, the Marauders had become the source of all the good he saw in himself, all the hope he saw for his own future. Without the friendship, loyalty, and unadulterated acceptance of the Marauders, I was sure Remus would never have been able to work up the courage to even befriend me, much less ask me out. As angry as I was with James, within the context of the Marauders he had obviously done a lot for Remus.

As I turned that thought over in my mind throughout the day, I began to question my decision to ignore James. If he was so important to Remus, if he had done so much for Remus and, inadvertently, me, then was I maybe being a bit hard on him?

Remus could tell that something was bothering me, and when he'd crawled into his bed with me and put up charms so that we were completely sealed off from the other boys he hugged me tightly and whispered, "What's wrong?"

I tried my best to explain the dilemma to him, and when I'd finished he nodded and said, "Darling, I love you, but you're being ridiculous."

I blinked up at him, stunned. Didn't he want his friendship back?

"Just because he's done nice things for me doesn't give him the right to mistreat Cherry or you or anyone else. It took me far too many years to figure that out, but watching him use and hurt you was the final straw." He placed a gentle kiss on my temple. "I want James as my friend, but only if he can learn to fix his faults. You're perfectly justified in ignoring him, and I hope you don't give up over something like this. You're doing the right thing, if only by making them uneasy, and I love when you stand up for things."

"Really?" I whispered, raising my eyebrows as he peeled off his shirt and crawled on top of me, kissing his way up my torso.

He nodded as he reached my collarbone and growled, "It's that loyal Hufflepuff in you that appeals to the chivalrous Gryffindor in me and turns me on completely."

I shivered as his hand raked through my hair, mussing it up and running his tongue along my collarbone.

"You taste delicious," he moaned.

We got so wild that we almost rolled off his bed at one point, which would have made all our protective charms utterly useless, but Merlin, it was worth the risk.

At the end of the night, though, we were laying placidly in his bed, completely tangled up in each other, sighing contentedly and kissing languidly.

"Is this the right thing?" I whispered sleepily. "Petty revenge?"

Remus sighed, hugging me a little tighter.

"I don't know, but there are more important questions of right or wrong, and you can't say it's undeserved."

Deciding he was right, I curled up in his strong, scarred arms and fell happily asleep.


	36. Pity

Part of me wished that I'd never talked about getting my revenge on Evans. Sure, she deserved it but part of me almost felt sorry for her. It was like she'd been knocked off her pedestal as she and her boyfriend lost most of their friends. Sure, it was their own damn fault but I still pitied them. How could two people be so incredibly stupid that they were willing to give up their own friends just because they refused to admit that they were wrong?

On the outside, both of them seemed to be fine. Evans still acted like a bossy Head Girl and Potter still acted like an arrogant git. On the inside, though, I knew that they were lonely. I'd planned a hilarious, publicly humiliating act of revenge for them but the closer I got to it, the less I wanted to do it. I was just tired of fighting them. This wasn't going to solve anything, it might just spark them to retaliate and I didn't have the energy for a full-out war, especially with one looming outside.

There had to have been a way to not completely lose face but not start a war either. There had to be a solution that didn't make me look like a push-over but it didn't cause anymore problems. I think that Remus and Sirius wanted this whole thing to blow over more than they were letting on. It's was complicated, though, because how willing can you be forgive and forget without risking it from happening again? How do you start over without acting like like you're letting them walk all over you?

I had a vague plan for what I had to do to make this somewhat go away. It was a shaky plan and it was just about as likely to blow up in my face as it was to work. If I knew Evans as much as I thought I did, though, then it was going to work. I just hoped that our years of fighting and annoying each other had given me a good enough understanding of her to pull this off.

The largest part was waiting. I had to wait until the timing was absolutely perfect. Evans and Potter had to be at their loneliest and particularly vulnerable. If they were lonely and vulnerable then they were more likely to take the bait. I just had to be patient until then, which wasn't exactly my strong suit. It was a very delicate operation, though, and it needed my utmost care.

I bade my time, watching for any sign that my opportunity was coming. It was a more tedious task than most of my other revenge attempts but it was also likely to be more long-lasting. This was going to stick with them longer than if I'd hung them up by their toes in the middle of the Great Hall or if I gave them a set of horns. That would only make them angry and I wanted to go beyond that. I was going to force them to be grateful towards me.

Revenge by gratitude was a risky business. There was no saying that it'd work. If I was right about it, though, then she was going to hate every minute of it. She loved hating me and being angry at me and acting like I ruined her life. It would have drove her crazy that I actually did something that she had to be appreciative for. If she wasn't mental from her owing me then the question of why I was being nice to her would definitely send her over the edge into the abyss of insanity. Unless I was wrong, which was a possibility. If I was wrong then my patience was wasted on this whole gamble. If I was right, though, then it could potentially drive her crazy for a very long time. It was worth the risk, however big.

My opportunity finally arose one afternoon when I was innocently strolling the dungeons. I wasn't even on the prowl for them. I was looking for Sirius, wondering if maybe he'd gotten sidetracked by a loudmouthed Slytherin that happened to rub him the wrong way. I hadn't expected to find them in a huddled mass on the dungeon floor, Evans looking like she'd just cried enough tears to fill the Amazon River. That was purely coincidental. Apparently losing one of her best mates to her enemy and having the other one hide from her was just taking its toll on her.

"What do you want?" she croaked, still managing to glare at me through her tear-stained eyes. "Come to gloat?"

I shook my head, not being able to think of a better opportunity than this, "No. Get up. We're going back to the Tower."

"What? No, why?" she shook her head in confusion.

"Because this has gone on long enough," I answered simply. "Let's go."

Potter and Evans looked at each other before looking back at me. I could practically hear their thoughts they were so obvious. They didn't know if they should trust me. They apparently thought that I was up to some sort of devious plot. They questioned my motives. They were actually all beautiful things. The more they didn't trust me, the more my revenge was going to be likely to be successful.

Slowly they managed to untangle themselves from each other, getting cautiously to their feet. I turned abruptly on my heels, setting off for Gryffindor Tower. This had been easier than I expected. I'd expected that they'd have protested following me, demanding to know what I had up my sleeves. Maybe they felt like they didn't have anything left to lose.

We trudged silently to the Tower, only speaking to say the password. I marched up to Ali, Remus and Sirius, who'd apparently showed up while I was searching for them. They were lounging on a sofa while Sirius and Remus played a game of chess. All three of them looked up at me in surprise as I approached with Evans and Potter behind me.

"Cher, babe, what are you doing?" Sirius questioned with a hint of alarm in his voice.

"Forgive them." I couldn't believe what I was saying but I manage to say it with relative believability.

"Pardon?" Ali practically choked on her own saliva. "Have you started drinking again?"

I shook my head, "No. Now forgive them."

"No!" Sirius scoffed. "Do you remember how they treated you? Do you remember what _he _called you? I'm not forgiving them."

I gave him a pointed look that loosely translated into "do what I tell you to or you're going to face my wrath". "Yes, you are. You all are. Ali, no more of this silent treatment. Remus, no more punching out Potter. Sirius, rein in the aggression, okay?"

"No!" Ali and Sirius exclaimed in unison.

"Yes," I repeated firmly.

"How can you seriously be saying this? Do you remember how they treated you? Over fifty rules! Latin-based words! All the things he called you! How can you just expect us to forgive them?" Ali demanded.

"Because I'm tired of this. Everything that's happened is over, okay? Just forget about it. We're wiping the slate clean. The rules never happened. The prejudice never happened. The mistreatment never happened. The argument never happened. Okay? Just let it all go."

"Why? Why are you doing this?" Evans managed to find her voice.

"Mercy," I answered easily.

Her eyes widened. Her pride didn't hear "mercy". Her pride heard "pity". I was pitying her and that was going to stay under her skin for a very long time.

"I'm not just going to forgive them," Sirius announced. He hadn't even been angry a week or two ago but once he decided he was mad, he didn't do it lightly.

I gave him another look that loosely translated into "would you like to be celibate for the rest of eternity?" Hopefully he was becoming more fluent in my looks since he and I started spending more time together.

"I suppose if they agree to treat you and Ali better, I'd forgive them," Remus conceded slowly.

Ali turned to him with a shocked expression, "What? How can you just forgive them after how they treated her?"

"Because it's what she wants, Ali. If that's what she thinks is best then I think we need to respect that," he replied honestly. "If she's not going to keep a grudge then neither am I and if Lily and James make an honest effort to treat the two of you better then I'm willing to forget this whole mess."

"I guess I agree," Sirius granted, deliberating the use of each word cautiously. "If they promise to respect Cherry and not try to drive her off then I might be able to overlook this whole thing."

Potter nodded almost eagerly, "We can do that." Apparently he was more concerned with getting his mates back than ruining my life, which was appreciated.

"Ali?" Evans questioned hopefully.

Ali crossed her arms in front of her, being astoundingly stubborn for a Hufflepuff, "I'm not just going to forgive you because you make false promises but –"

"They're not false promises!" Evans interjected.

"But," Ali continued, giving her a warning look for interrupting her, "I'm willing to give you a chance to work for it. If you can prove that you can treat Cherry properly like a human being then I'll forget this ever happened. If you can't, though, I'm taking this to my grave."

Evans nodded quickly, "I'll take what I can get!"

I almost smirked, feeling rather victorious and proud of myself. Evans now owed me for giving her an opportunity to reclaim her friendship with Ali and her pride was never going to swallow the fact that I, the apparent epitome of barbarianism and insensitivity, pitied her. Overall, this was a much less messy than public humiliation and I wasn't going to live the rest of my Hogwarts career in detention for it either. I think it was a general success. If I'd known that making her mind me was this easy then I never would've suffered through all her rules.

"So erm chess?" Potter oafishly spoke, testing the awkwardness of the standing tension in the room.

"Erm yeah, I was just kicking Moony's arse here," Sirius replied despite the discomfort of the situation.

"You wish," Remus scoffed with a determined look. "Your arse is totally mine."

"Did he do try that pawn trapping thing yet?" Potter questioned enthusiastically, studying the chessboard as the tension in the room began to melt.

I grinned, feeling victorious that I'd successfully achieved both of my objectives. Evans' pride was going to stay wounded for a while and all this drama was over.

Ali gave me a questioning look as Potter, Remus, and Sirius prattle on and on about chess strategies. I only shrugged innocently in reply before turning to Evans, "So how's studying for NEWTs going?"

Evans seemed relieved that gave her something to do other than stand around gawkily. "It's erm going pretty well I think," she replied quietly. "I think I'm almost ready for the Transfiguration exam but I'm nowhere near ready for the Charms one. The Potions one is supposed to be really hard too."

"You're practically a genius at Potions," Ali spoke up, finally breaking her silence. "I'm sure you'll be fine."

Evans practically lit up at the compliment, "Really? You think so? I don't know. I mean, NEWTs are supposed to be wicked hard. Do you think that –"

I stopped listening to their chat about what they expected from our upcoming NEWTs. I was too busy congratulating myself on a job well done. I'd even gotten Ali to willingly talk to Evans', a feat that'd seemed impossible before. Damn, I was good.


	37. Because You Live

"Because you live and breathe, because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help... 'Cause of you made it through every storm... I'm so glad I found an angel, someone who was there when all my hopes fell."

_ -Jesse McCartney, Because You Live_

N.E.W.T.s weren't as bad as I'd imagined.

They were about fifty times worse.

It was a plus in some ways that all my friends were finally being civil to each other, like we could all study together, if you could really consider anything to do with Lily and studying together as civil. It was more like joining an army with Lily as our unforgiving drill sergeant. Once James and Remus submitted to Lily's revising will, the rest of us really didn't have much choice in the matter, although Cherry and Ashley quietly planned dozens of un-enacted mutinies.

The truth was, in the end, we were probably better off for the strict revision schedule. I for one would have likely failed everything without it. Remus didn't believe me when I said that, but I knew it was true.

Peter had it the worst, actually. Between the pressure N.E.W.T.s presented by virtue of their very existence and the pressure Lily added to that, most of us were ready to break at one point or another, but Peter was getting at least three critical comments daily from the professors and I knew he'd been getting at least one letter a week from some over-zealous, probably well-meaning family member. If my family had written me at all as the N.E.W.T.s came closer, I might have snapped and sent a Howler.

Actually, I almost sent one to Peter's family on principle, but Remus caught me and made me destroy it. Apparently, Peter needs to fight his own battles.

"No," I snapped. "I've fought my own battles, and let me tell you, if someone else had volunteered to do mine I would have gladly let them."

"But fighting your battles has helped make you the wonderful, beautifully confident girl you've grown into this year," Remus pointed out. "It wouldn't have done any good for you to have let someone else do battle for you, as much as I would have liked to."

I hated sometimes that Remus was _always_ right.

But I could never hate him long.

After months and weeks and what felt more like lifetimes of revision, we took days and days of tests. Practical exams, theoretical exams... They were just like O.W.L.s except O.W.L.s had never made me want to jump off the Astronomy Tower or set fire to the examiner's toupee. I actually thought Lily was going to snap in the middle of the Transfiguration theoretical. I glanced over to see her muttering soundlessly at her quill. The examiner was look at her, too, but once he realized she wasn't cheating he paid her no mind.

Apparently signs of mental instability weren't troubling for him or his conscience in the slightest.

When it was all finally over, we just sort of sat on the lawn for a day or two, bleary-eyed, watching the fifth years goofing off and enjoying the sunshine.

I had barely noticed the existence of the sun, so I wasn't in much of a capacity to enjoy it.

After a while, though, we were able to understand that it was over, we had survived the N.E.W.T.s (technically), and...

And we were leaving Hogwarts.

"It's strange to think we're not coming back," James said softly, running his fingers through Lily's hair. "We've got _lives_ now."

"Does anyone even have a job lined up?" Ashley whispered.

"I do," Peter squeaked, to everyone's surprise. "I didn't want to count on N.E.W.T.s, so I got a job I could do with just my O.W.L.s. The apothecary's got me sorting ingredients three days a week and when they've got special or especially large shipments." He sighed. "It's not enough to support myself, but it's a job and I figure if I'm good about saving I can get my own place in a year or so. I might even get promoted, if I work really hard."

"That's great, Peter," I said honestly. Who would have thought Peter would have been the one of us with a job at the end of the year, with any plan at all?

Of course, nobody was mentioning the talks the Marauders, Lily, Marlene, Ashley, and Cherry had all had with Professor Dumbledore. I hadn't, but when Remus finally told me what they were over, I didn't feel bad about the lack of invite after all.

Professor Dumbledore, it seemed, was raising a private army, a secret society of sorts, to fight against You-Know-Who and his army of pureblood supremacists. I didn't know who would join and who wouldn't, but I had a feeling most of them would be fighting. Remus had all but said he would. I really hadn't had time to sort out my feelings about it.

"So Peter's still living with his parents for now," Sirius said. "What about you, Ali?"

"Ashley and I used the graduation money from our various relatives to get a flat," I sighed. "It's enough money to pay rent until N.E.W.T. results get back and we can get jobs. Remus has a flat in the same building."

Cherry raised her eyebrows.

"I thought you were going to stay with your ailing mother," she said, hinting at his condition.

"Well," he said, blushing as he held me tighter, "when there was an open flat in my price range in the building when I took the girls to look at theirs..."

"We get it, you want a place to shag Ali regularly," Sirius said with a bark of laughter.

Remus blushed more fiercely and said, "Well, I plan to visit home periodically, anyway."

"Right, good plan," Cherry sighed.

"What about you, Cherry?" Ashley asked, stretching out on the grass. "Parents? Because if you need a place, our flat's pretty big and we could always use someone else to split rent with."

"Ah, she's moving in at my place, actually," Sirius said proudly, kissing the side of her face. "But we're taking it slow."

Marlene snorted.

"I'm staying with my parents for now. My mother's paranoid, what with the war on."

We all nodded. It was understandable. Most parents were doing similar things, keeping their children as close to them as possible, imagining that made them safer somehow.

"Did your mother get that cottage she was looking at?" Remus asked James as he began absently braiding a strand of my hair. "The one in Godric's Hollow."

"Yeah, she did," James said proudly.

"Is she moving out of the manor?" I asked. In a way, it made sense. She was quite elderly, and it was a massive space for anyone to live in alone. But I would have expected her to be the type to want to be surrounded by the memories.

"Nah, she got it for us," James explained. "We're moving in after the wedding. Still doing Sunday brunch at the manor, though. You can all drop by for brunch any time, and Sirius and Cherry will probably be there just about every week."

"Excuse me?" Cherry snorted. "That's a terrible idea. She'd hate me."

"Don't be silly, she'll love you," Sirius exclaimed.

"Actually, she probably will," James admitted, grimacing slightly. "She'll like your 'spunk' and 'pluck' and all that. And Sirius adores you, and that's pretty much her only requirement, anyway."

"I don't know," Cherry sniffed skeptically.

"Relax," I sighed. "Remus and I will go quite a bit, so if it's looking ugly for some reason I'll find some way to pull attention off you."

Cherry grumbled something that I took as thanks.

"Oh, Cherry, Ashley, I've been meaning to ask a massive favor of the two of you," Lily said suddenly, sitting up in a sharp motion.

I raised my eyebrows. Being civil and upholding the peace was miles away from favors, in my book, but Cherry said nothing, so I held my tongue.

"You see, Mary's not going to be able to make the wedding because a family thing came up and my sister still isn't speaking to me, so I'm short a couple of bridesmaids..."

Ashley squealed excitedly.

"Oh Merlin, you want us in your wedding?" she gushed. "Oh, Lily I would be honored!"

Cherry narrowed her eyes a little, tilting her head, considering. It was no secret to anyone that Sirius was Best Man and I was Maid of Honor, so she'd really have to be a the wedding anyway. I was hoping she'd say yes so we could spend the preparation time together.

"You won't make me wear some terrible color?" Cherry asked.

"I was thinking blue," Lily said. "It doesn't clash with my hair, it flatters everyone, and it's absolutely stunning with Ali's eyes."

"That's true," Remus murmured, kissing my lips lightly.

"And I won't be humiliated at the hen do?" Cherry pressed.

"Of course not!" Marlene giggled. "That's all Lily. I was thinking of asking Benjy Fenwick to be a stripper."

"Not going to happen," James, Sirius, and Remus all said firmly.

I petted Remus gently and said, "Relax, darling. Marlene wants Benjy. Nobody else even cares about him."

"No, it's really not going to happen," Peter pointed out. "Benjy's mum wouldn't let him out that late without a request from Dumbledore or the Minister. So unless you want a stripper that leaves before seven in the evening, you're out of luck."

"Well..."

"No, Marlene," Lily sighed. "Just as the boy on a date for Merlin's sake!"

Marlene sniffed, indignant about the suggestion that she might make the first move with a boy.

The rest of us just laughed and, eventually, Marlene joined in. It felt good to laugh again. I couldn't remember when I'd last laughed, just that it hadn't been on Lily's revising agenda, so it had to have been before that began. The one thing was the though in the back of my mind that the laughs we were sharing could be numbered, especially if they all fought. Even if they didn't, most adults didn't laugh much anymore. The war was making everyone more somber, and we were about to join those ranks.

The final days of our seventh year went by much too fast, working on wedding plans, thinking about the future, and still trying to hold on to the last vestiges of our childhood. Dumbledore gave a parting speech for our class, giving us words of wisdom and encouragement that just impressed on me that we were never coming back. It wasn't that I wasn't excited, but I would miss Hogwarts, and I didn't want to go into the war.

That final Hogwarts Express journey was long, painful... Remus and I patrolled the corridors of the train one last time, his hand in mine.

"You've been quiet the last couple of days," Remus whispered as we looked the other way from a third year boy buying dungbombs off an older student. They were allowed to have a bit of fun, and Filch wasn't around to give them hell over it. "Is something bothering you?"

I shook my head, but the words that poured out of my mouth were out of my control, it seemed.

"No, just a lot on my mind, wedding and whatnot. I have no idea what I'm going to do if my N.E.W.T.s aren't good enough for creature healing and my parents reminded me in a letter the other day that it's so dangerous outside Hogwarts right now."

Remus sighed, leading me into an empty compartment and sitting me down on his lap.

"Remus, are you going to fight?" I whispered, hugging his neck firmly.

"I have to, Ali," he answered soothingly, petting my hair. "There are things with my condition, places I can go that nobody else could dare think of heading. I can't promise it won't be dangerous, but I can promise not to take unnecessary risks. Is that all right?"

"No," I whispered. He opened his mouth to continue to justify and bargain, but I placed my fingers on his lips gently to silence him. "But I understand it's important. I don't want you to ever leave my side, but I can't be selfish."

It hurt to give my blessing, but it was important and the look of relief in his eyes at my understanding made it worth the lie I would have to live.

"I love you," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his neck again.

"I love you, too," he sighed, pressing his lips against mine. The kiss began tender and gentle, but it became quickly heated and passionate. I allowed him to lay me back on the seat, kissing me down the neck and moaning as I ran my fingers down his back.

When I realized that his hands were well under my skirt and that the window was fogging up I came to my senses and panted, "We should probably be heading back. They're going to think we've been shagging."

"Or we could actually shag," Remus said playfully, his fingers continuing to float up my thighs.

"Remus," I whined, "we'll have plenty of time once we move into your flat to do whatever you want."

"Is that a promise?" he whispered huskily, sending a shiver down my spine.

"Absolutely," I whispered against his lips.

He sighed heavily.

"Fine," he conceded, helping me to my feet. He straightened out my hair, gave me another quick peck on the helps, and said, "Off we go."

The rest of the ride back was peaceful, in a way. I didn't think about what we were leaving or what was ahead, but simply enjoyed the company of the people who had grown to mean so much to me, who had been through so much with me, all over some rumors and an unlikely alliance.

As the wild countryside slowly melted into more cultivated, civilized scenery, then into the city of London, I grasped Remus's hand tightly. Maybe I knew nothing of what was to come, but that's the excitement of the thing, isn't it? My crazy seventh year had taught me that.

**A/N: So, this is a final sign-off of **_**javalon14**_** here, presenting the final chapter of **_**Maybe I Know**_**. I hope you've enjoyed this story as much as Evan and I have, and I'm pleased to announce that we are going to start right away on adapting this into an original novel (taking out ALL references to Rowling's great work) and we'll keep you guys updated on the progress of that. I'll be posting about it regularly on my writing blog, **_**CharlotteBlackwood dot wordpress dot com**_**. I am ALSO pleased to announce that starting right away we will be officially embarking on our next great collaboration piece. Check out my page for **_**Love is a Battlefield**_**, coming in the next day or two, co-authored by myself, **_**xyellowconverse**_**, **_**Freakin-Little**_**, and **_**Missing Triforce**_**. Strap yourselves in for some abundant Weasley/OC pairing, so kooky characters, and lots of the usual fun and awesomeness you've come to love about **_**Maybe I Know**_** in a different setting! I hope you'll all join us on this new quest, and I hope you enjoy it as much as we already are.**

** -J**


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